Certainty (14 page)

"Thank you," I said and slid off his back. He hoisted the backpacks up on his shoulders, gazing down at me, inspecting the damage, I guess.

"You’re welcome. Although the truth is, you cry kind of pretty. You didn't need to hide."

I tucked my hair behind my ears. "I doubt that."

He took my hand and we started walking, though I was too tired for conversation. My brain felt numb. I didn't want to think about anything, I just wanted to sleep. I tripped over a crack in the sidewalk and laughed weakly.

"Maybe I should carry you again," he said, one eyebrow raised.

"Actually, I didn't think you were that strong. I'm impressed.”

"Me, too."

I laughed and I could tell he liked it. He was getting easier for me to read. When we got to the house before mine I stopped and took my backpack from him. I combed out my hair with my fingers and took a deep breath. I didn’t feel as shaky anymore.

“Thank you for hiding me. That was knight in shining armor material.”

He shook his head at me, though I could see he was pleased. “Not really. Let me know how Derek is doing.”

As I stepped inside the house I wished I could erase the day. The sympathy and curiosity from strangers and friends, the wobbly crying…but if I did that then I wouldn’t know the feel of Ren’s arms around me, or the sound of his heartbeat. I would have to take it all together.

My day wasn’t over yet, unfortunately. This afternoon we would go see Derek, and I hoped he would wake up. It was so hard to wait.

Ren

I thought about MacKenzie all the time. This morning when I held her hand it wasn’t my idea. It was what I knew my future self would do. When I caressed her palm, it was because we would touch that way, someday. Her face flushed a little and I was unprepared for the jump of electricity that rushed through me. I would have to be careful with that.

I couldn’t be sure how much of the future could be changed. Like everyone else, I had a future self, and I could see pieces of who I would become. Not everything, enough to drive me crazy wondering how it would all happen. But when I was with her, my view of the future was much stronger and closer to the present. Normally I only see very far ahead—I’m not even sure of the exact number of years but it must be around ten to twenty. I can’t see the end of this year, month or even week. It’s like instead of glasses or contacts I have a telescope.

But MacKenzie throws my sight all out of focus. All day I was aware that she was struggling. I knew she would break down, and I didn’t intend to let her go through it alone.

I was glad she let me hold her when she cried—at least I could do that much. She was small in my arms, her blond head only going up to the middle of my chest. She held onto my shirt while I wrapped my arms around her. I kept my head down close to hers, shielding her from the people that walked by and stared.

I wanted to tell her Derek would wake up. I could ease her fears that her brother wouldn’t wake, but I would also have to tell her that the Derek she once knew was gone forever. I almost told her this morning, but I couldn’t.

So many people think knowing the future would make life easy, but for now it was making things harder.

CHAPTER TWELVE

MacKenzie

The elevator bumped to a stop and I stepped out with Dad and James into the hallway. Signs led us to the Intensive Care Unit with helpful arrows and messages about visiting hours. We opened the double doors to ICU and Dad led us to Derek’s room. Nurses in pastel scrubs either ignored us or gave polite smiles as we walked past.

The rooms were all quiet as we walked by, except for the sounds of machines beeping or low voices. Dad opened the door to Derek’s room and James and I followed him carefully, as if our footsteps might cause Derek pain.

Mom was sitting beside Derek, reading a book, her head bent over the pages and one hand on her chin. She looked up and smiled at us when we walked in. Somehow I thought she was going to be sad while she sat with Derek all this time, but she just seemed like she was waiting for a bus or something.

Derek was lying on the bed, his wrist still taped with IVs and a monitor beside his bed. His eyes were closed and his bruises were beginning to lighten. His hands were half-curled and relaxed, lying at his sides. He didn’t look like he was in a coma, he looked like he was sleeping. I was even afraid to speak in case I woke him.

James sat down next to Mom and stared at Derek, not even unzipping his red sweat-shirt. I noticed that his nails were short and bitten down.

“How was school today?” Mom asked, like it was any other day.

I would have to fib a little. “Fine. The usual. Burke was sent to the office again. He just got back from being suspended. I’m not sure how long he’s going to last.”

Her eyes brightened. “What did he do this time?”

“He brought a digital whoopee cushion to class and used it on Stephanie. She knew it was Burke and told him, but Burke says he never…breaks wind.”

James snickered and then covered his mouth, glancing over at Dad.

“He says the Discovery Channel is doing a special on him. So Mr. L sent him to the office for saying ‘fart’, which I’m not even sure is a swear word.”

“Well, Burke isn’t going to make it to his senior year if he keeps this up,” Mom said.

“I think you’re more worried about him than he is,” I said.

She laughed. “Maybe.”

I was more relaxed after the Burke anecdote and sat down on the other side of Derek.

“I’ve heard you should talk to people in comas because they can hear you,” I said.

“Oh, we do,” Dad said, going over to Derek’s bed and putting a big hand on Derek’s forehead. “Hey Big Guy, the kids are here. We’re just getting the gossip from school.”

“That isn’t really gossip,” I said, apologetically. I would have to remember to find out more about Derek’s friends when I was in school instead of moping around like a damsel in distress. In fact, I hadn’t paid attention to anything today. Did they announce the winners of the “Most Likely To” categories for yearbook? Now I didn’t have anything to talk about. Except maybe Ren and I was definitely keeping that to myself.

Who did Derek like? Would Jason know?

I remembered Noriko’s frog and pulled it out my pocket. “Noriko made an origami frog for you—she says it’s for luck. She made it out of a gum wrapper.”

Mom examined it. “That’s very clever.”

James held it in his palm, staring at it eye to eye, blinking at the hair that fell in his eyes.

“Why do frogs mean good luck?” he asked, not taking his gaze from the paper frog.

“I don’t know,” I said. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask.

Mom got up and stretched, putting her book down on the table next to Derek’s bed. “Does anyone want dinner? I’m hungry.”

“I can stay with Derek,” I offered. That way I could talk to him without feeling ridiculous.

James was pleased by the idea of the cafeteria and he and Dad went with Mom to check out the hospital food selection. When the door closed the room became quiet, and I sat there watching Derek. I couldn’t see him breathing but I guess he was. I didn’t usually talk to people who were sleeping. It felt strange.

“Hey Derek,” I started, and my voice sounded whispery. He would have laughed at me. I cleared my throat. “Everybody at school knows about you. You’re kind of famous. I think you’d like it. When you wake up you can give out autographs.”

I paused because I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I didn’t think he was listening at all. But what if he was? What would he want to hear? He lay, bruised and silent, probably unaware that I was there.

I leaned in closer to him, just in case the walls were thin.

“I really want you to wake up. It isn’t going to be right until you come back.” I reached out and touched his arm. He felt warm and awake. He shouldn’t be lying here at all.

“And you’re missing football practice.”

Wow. That was all I could think of?  Nobody would wake up for that. “Anyway, wake up soon.”

That was the worst pep talk a coma patient ever had. I hope Mom and Dad were better at this than I was. I waited in the silent room, chanting in my head, “derekwakeup, derekwakeup…”. My fervent voodoo magic didn’t do anything, however. He lay still on the white bed, deep in the sleep that kept him away from us.

Mom came home with us. She and Dad sat together in the front of his Explorer, but even though we were all in the car it still felt like we weren’t together. Derek took up so much space, not only in the car but in our lives. It was dark outside, the headlights of cars flashing by as I watched them pass. What if I had to get used to life without him? I took up chanting again, just in case it might work.

Ren

Marti was online, which was amazing considering he was in Puerto Escondido, Mexico right now. His brother was surfing in the World Series qualifiers and his family was using this event as a vacation.

Marti: Ren!

Me: Hi how is your brother doing?

Marti: He passed four rounds today. The waves out here are sssiiiickkk!!

Me: Same here.

Marti: HAHAHAHAHA! dude. your in dalawere.

Me: Delaware. I learned how to spel it.

Marti: when are you comin out hre?

Me: ummm, I just got here. I don’t know.

Marti: you would love p escon.

Me: I know.

Talking to him made it worse to be out here sometimes. Marti would pretty much live a dream life--surf all over the world and marry a surfer/model.

surfgrl11 came online. It was good to see Liz.

surfgrl11: hi!

Me: Hi! whats up?

surfgrl11: waiting for you to come back. LOL!

Me: miss you guys.

surfgrl11: You better. whats it like out there?

Me: interesting.

surfgrl11: any girls?

Me: no way. but there is this dude in my Algebra class…

surfgrl111: hahaha! riiiight.

Me: no really. he’s hot.

surfgrl111: …

surfgrl11: go for it then

Me: I can’t date myself

surfgrl111: LOL! You haven’t changed.

Me: Did you see Marti online?

surfgrl111: yep

Me: he likes you

surfgrl111: omg, will you stop!!

Me: j/k. He’s in love with da OCEAN.

surfgrl111: uuuuhh yeah

Liz and her only brother were going to die in a car accident her senior year. I always wondered why I wouldn’t be there to stop it, and when my dad got the job transfer I knew.

It was too hard keeping it all to myself, so I did tell one person. My best friend, Chase. Besides, his future was safe. He was going to be an ad executive with a bass fishing hobby, get married, have three kids and a dog. It was as bright a future as I could hope for him. His reaction was low-key. First he wanted to know what he was going to be like, so I told him, then he wanted to know mine.

It was late at night in his basement and there was only one piece of pizza left. Neither of us wanted it. The TV was on an old movie we had seen before and we hanging out on the two old couches.

I told him all I knew about my future was that I’m going to college and I’m going to work in something that lets me travel for a while. I don’t know about surfing but that will definitely be in there if I have any say about it.

He asked me exactly how I knew the future, like if it was a vision or what.

“It’s like a ghost, only it’s what people will be like in the future, not like, a dead person. I can see what they will be when they’re older.”

“Does this happen with everyone you see?” Chase didn’t believe in ghosts, psychic or whatever so I was surprised he was this interested. Or that he believed me.

“Yes. I can tune out some of it when I’m in a crowd.”

Chase narrowed his eyes and I could tell something was going through his twisted head. “What about people that murder and steal? Can you see that?”

“I see where it takes them—like prison or something. But I don’t see them actually doing it.”

“That would be disturbed.”

I agreed. I really had met people that were going to prison. It was hard to act normal, especially if I knew what the crime was. It also gave me nightmares. The question about whether or not I could change the future hadn’t been answered yet. Was I responsible if I knew? If I met someone with a dark future I usually had to tune out the ability for a few days because I couldn’t take it. I tuned it out for a month once but that was exhausting.