Certainty (15 page)

He made me tell him about the darkest futures I’d seen, which turned out to be a mistake.

He was too creeped out to sleep that night. It probably didn’t help that one of the people going to prison lived only two blocks away. I couldn’t even tell him what they would be in prison for, so naturally he thought the worst.

That was the last time we hung out. It was too weird for him and I think he needed to believe it all wasn’t true. It was easier to believe I was crazy.

I spent another year in California before my dad was transferred, and it was a lonely year. I had other friends, but I didn’t try to confide my secret to anyone else.

Things got better after Marti found me sitting alone at lunch and asked to borrow some lunch money. We’d been friends ever since.

I don’t know why I was so tempted to tell MacKenzie. Nothing good could come of me telling her.

I stared at my poster of a giant Oahu wave curling around a tiny surfer. I’d never surfed anything that intense, but I understood the addiction. It was exhilarating to ride such a destructive force and survive it—with style, if possible. Surfing was the only thing that had ever eclipsed all the junk I knew about the future but I didn’t have that anymore. I was on my own.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

MacKenzie

I lay under the covers, curled up in the warmth and waiting for my alarm clock to go off. I thought of Derek, sleeping on his back in his hospital bed, his body straight and waiting. Did he dream? I dreamt all night that I was sitting by his bed and he was talking to me in his sleep.

I couldn’t understand what he said - just that they were words. In the morning I rolled my face into my pillow to shut away the dream. I needed to get up.

The hot water of the shower took away some of my anxiety and I relaxed, trying to imagine what Derek would have said to me. I honestly couldn’t think of anything and it drove me crazy. Maybe that’s why my subconscious didn’t bother with words I could understand—no part of me, even deep down, could know what he was feeling right now.

The sun was just coming up when I said good-bye to my mom and walked out into the cold morning. I wore my fuzzy striped gloves and a thick sweat-shirt and boots. I wasn’t in the mood to be cold.

A single window was lit in the blue Victorian as I walked by. I didn’t  knock at his door because I didn’t want to be pushy. I’d barely stepped past his front walkway when the door opened and he jumped off the porch and ran to me.

“Hey,” he said, his eyes searching mine. He was wearing dark jeans and a black sweat-shirt, the cord of his necklace falling under the neckline.

“Hey.”

“How’s Derek?”

I brushed back a stray strand of hair that had blown into my eyes. “He’s okay.”

He watched me and I smiled before looking down at the ground. I was going to be all right today, I could tell.

Back in school, I sank gratefully into a mindless routine. I needed the familiarity of my teachers, the classrooms, the smell of the cafeteria and the way my locker wouldn’t open unless I did the combination lock twice.

Wanting to make my next visit with Derek more interesting, I found Jason during lunch and asked if I could sit with him. He and Derek had been friends for a long time. Mom had talked to his mom to make sure he was okay—she said he was going to send a card around the football team for Derek.

Jason’s short for a guy but really muscular, with dark, short cropped hair. He wears shorts even when it snows. He pulled out a chair for me and moved his lunch tray over.

I sat next to him, though I didn’t have my lunch. I wished I were prettier. A little charm might make this easier. Not that I wanted Derek’s little freshmen friends to drool over me. Yes, I did. Focus.

“Hey, I visit Derek and I thought he’d want to know how his friends were doing—you know, to give me something to talk about.”

“Is he awake?” Jason’s eyes lit up.

“No,” I explained quickly, hating to disappoint him. “We try to talk to him even though he might not be able to hear us. It sounds dumb, but it might help.”

“It’s not dumb,” Jason said. “Anything I can do to help, I will. You can tell him that I’m not flunking German any more. I finally turned in that project he and I were working on. We got a solid 83 on it.”

I didn’t remember the project, so it might have been one Derek worked on at school.

“Hey, that’s like an A for him,” I said. “He’ll be thrilled.”

I vaguely knew the other guys at the table and although it was hard, I plunged in and talked to them, too. “So you guys are on the team?” I asked.

A big guy wearing a black t-shirt with a skull on it was the first to volunteer information. “Yeah. You can tell him that Terry says hi.”

“And I said hi. My name is Paul.” A smaller kid with freckles and hair down to his shoulders answered next. After half the table answered, I realized I wasn’t going to memorize all their names. I asked if I could borrow a pen and wrote their names on my palm. “Thanks, guys.”

When I got back to my regular lunch table I showed the names to Ren. He examined my palm and gave me a strange look. “If they had a pen they probably had paper, too.”

“Yeah, but I would lose a piece of paper.”

Noriko swallowed a bit of homemade sushi and agreed. “She would.”

Crystal looked at the names. “Hey, I know all of them, even though they’re freshmen. They’re nice.”

Her hair was tied back in a sleek knot and she was wearing a shirt that didn’t show her bra today. She almost looked sophisticated, but her thong peeped out of her jeans.

I pulled her shirt down over her jeans. “Crack kills.”

She turned around to look at her derrière. “I’m not showing any crack.”

“Ok, thong kills.”

She stuck her tongue out at me. “No one noticed but you, pervert.”

Noah looked up from his lunch, staring at her pointedly, his green eyes sharp. “Incorrect.”

She turned to Ren who developed a sudden interest in his cheesy fries, his dark hair hiding his eyes as he looked down.

Ryan wasn’t that suave. He glanced down at her pants and then back to his calculator. “I saw it.”

She blushed. “I thought my shirt was longer.”

“Nope.” Noah said, shaking his head at her.

She was really red now so Noriko started talking about the dance.  I realized I might not be going—I didn’t have a dress. Plus I didn’t want to bother my parents about it right now.

“I might not go, guys, hope you don’t mind. My family is has a lot going on,” I said, glancing at Steve to see if he was offended. He frowned, looking up from his calculator. “You can’t? But I already have a suit.”

Crystal smacked him lightly on the head, keeping her shirt down with one hand. “Steve! You are so insensitive.”

He rubbed his bowl cut. “I am?”

“Relax, everyone. “ Ren interjected, and I could see he found Steve’s obliviousness amusing. “We can still all go.”

I waved my hand at them. “Take lots of pictures for me.”

Crystal opened up her phone. “Here’s one already. This is my dress.”

In the picture she was standing in a dressing room wearing a red halter-top dress that screamed “Check Out My Rack!” and an innocent, pleased smile. “It has butterflies right here,” she said, pointing to the hem of the dress. No one was going to see the butterflies.

“Very pretty,” I said. “I love the color.”

She passed the phone around and Noah looked at it and threw Ren a discreet look. Ren ignored him and told Crystal, “You look great. Who are you going with?”

“A guy I worked with over the summer. He’s really nice.” She scrolled through the pictures on her phone and handed it around to us. A thin guy with greasy hair and small eyes leered back. A small, wispy goatee clung to his chin and a cigarette hung from his lips.

“He’s cute, Crystal,” I said, trying to find something nice to say.

She smiled. “I know. Can you believe he asked me?”

Noah sighed and cleaned up his tray. “Crystal, I don’t know why think you’re lucky when some guy goes out with you. You always act like you’ve won the lottery or something.”

Crystal stared at him like he had suddenly sprouted an extra head.

He picked up Katie’s tray. “I’ll take this. Are you ready to go?”

“Almost,” she said, and took out her phone. “Here’s my dress. Noriko, show us yours again.”

I stared at Katie’s picture. She was breathtaking…in the black and white dress I had seen in the mall before Derek’s accident. My mom was right—it was sophisticated and elegant. Katie would be amazing.

“I love it,” I said.

“I was going to pick a pink one, but when I sent the pictures to Noah he liked this one better,” Katie said.

Huh. Noah had taste. Who knew.

Noriko’s dress was on a hanger, so I wasn’t sure what it would be like. It was a simple, pale pink satin dress that somehow managed to look expensive, even on the hanger. “I can’t wait to see what you look like in it,” I told her.

Noah leaned over Katie’s head to looked at Noriko’s picture. “That’s nice, Noriko.”

She smiled at the picture on her phone, pleased. “Thank you.”

Katie put her phone away and she and Noah left for class together. As they walked away Noah bent his head to hers and said something in her ear. They laughed, their foreheads touching. I’d been so preoccupied with my own world I’d forgotten that Katie’s love life was…well, she had one.

Ren grabbed the back of my chair, sliding me away from the table and interrupting my thoughts.

“Time to go. Bye guys, see you later.”

Crystal and Noriko were already getting up to leave, Crystal carefully keeping her shirt pulled down, stretching the neckline down until her bra showed. Apparently no one makes shirts that can cover her up on the top and bottom. Steve waved from his calculator. “Later.”

We left the cafeteria, following the tide of bodies through the halls.

“Thanks for caring about my punctuality,” I said to Ren.

He slid his hand under my books and stole them from me.

“You know what I like about you?” he said, his eyes bright and teasing, his mouth twisted in a half-smile.

“What?” I kind of hoped he would say “everything”.

“You can use the word ‘punctuality’.”

“Oh, that. I stayed up all night practicing to impress you.”

He laughed. “It worked. Too bad you have to write on yourself to remember names.” He held my hand and turned my ink-written palm upwards.

I clenched my fingers into a fist so he couldn’t read it. He stared at me, grinning, while his thumb slid across my palm and under my fingers, easily prying them open.
             

“It’s only eight names,” he said, laughing.

“Like you could remember eight names.” I said, relaxing my fingers and he put his hand around mine. He guided me through the moving horde, making a path for us.

“I could,” he said, and my heart jumped. I loved his confidence.

I let go of his hand and held up my inky palm. “Okay, go ahead.”

He glanced at the names and I closed my hand as quickly as I could, smirking at him.

Shaking his head and smiling, he said, “Jeff, David, Paul, Terry, David B., Mike, Benji and Colin.”

“That’s amazing.”

“I know.”

So he was nice, strong, and smart. And all I had was punctuality.

Two guys were shoving each other and one of them bumped into me. I hit the lockers but I didn’t fall over, which would have been embarrassing.

“Hey!” Ren said, and put his hand on my arm to steady me.

“Sorry!” one of them yelled as they ran down the hall, laughing.

He sighed, watching them as they disappeared. “Dumb and dumber.” He slid his hand down my arm, which tickled terribly and I couldn’t help laughing out loud.

“That tickles,” I explained, blushing.

“You’re like a minefield.” He touched my forehead. “Are you ticklish there?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Oh, yeah. I have a ticklish forehead.”

My elbow was next, followed by other safe, non-interesting body parts like my chin and my shoulder until I poked him in the stomach. He jumped back, smiling.

“I’m not ticklish.”

Since there is nothing more awkward than trying to tickle someone who isn’t ticklish, I let it slide. “Nice six pack.”

He patted his stomach. “It was better when I could surf.”

Surprised, I asked, “You surf?”

“Yup.”

“That makes you hot, you know.”

“You think?” He enjoyed being called hot, I could tell. We reached my biology class and he handed me my books.

“I’ll see you after school. Jeff, David, Paul, Terry, David B., Mike, Benji and Colin.”

My eyes widened and he gave a small smile before walking away. Sitting in the dark while Mr. Leitner showed us a movie, I contemplated how Ren was crazy amazing. Now he was a surfer. Or, I just discovered he was. He could have flaunted the fact that he was a surfer by talking about it, but he hadn’t. He didn’t feel the need to be noticed. He really was sure of himself. Oh save me, how could I not love everything about him?