Certainty (16 page)

Burke snored loudly during the movie, even when Mr. Leitner called his name as a warning. When the lights came on Burke’s head was in his arms. He jerked up and a line of drool went from his lip to his arm. He wiped his mouth off and actually seemed embarrassed. That was surprising. I didn’t think anything could faze him. Maybe he only liked making people laugh at him when he did it on purpose.

That night as I sat alone next to Derek’s bed in the hospital, I talked about the guys at his lunch table and that Jason wanted to visit him. He lay there, serene and asleep as I babbled. I held his hand, just to feel his pulse beating. His bruises were fainter now. It was odd to think that his body was healing while he slept. I hoped his mind was healing, too.

I told him about the girls’ Homecoming dresses, Ren being a surfer…and that Burke drooled in his sleep.

I was able to talk to him for a little longer this time, so I felt better. When Mom and Dad came back into the room from the cafeteria with James, I added, “There will be a pop quiz tomorrow, to make sure you are listening.”

By Friday I was shamelessly eavesdropping on conversations all day at school and at the lunch table I insisted that everyone tell me every scrap of gossip they could.

Friday was also the first day I saw Kyle in homeroom. I came in, breathless and chilled from the walk to school with Ren. I sat down in front of him and dropped my backpack on the floor. I grabbed my wind-knotted hair and twisted it up, looking back at him. He was wearing a rumpled, blue plaid shirt over a white t-shirt.

Kyle's eyes met mine and although he didn’t say anything, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t ignore me if I talked to him.

“Hey. Where have you been?” I asked, as if nothing had happened. I didn’t know how else to begin.

“Sick,” he said, smiling politely. There were shadows under his eyes and he was paler than usual.

“Oh, sorry,” I said.

“How is Derek?” He said in a low, tired voice, looking around him. Was he worried people were talking about him and the accident? There was just the usual group of girls talking loudly in the corner and one guy falling asleep in the front of the class.

“He’s doing okay. I see him every day after school.”

He dropped his eyes and tapped his pencil on his notebook. “I’m really sorry about what happened.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He winced and the polite smile came back. “Yeah. How are you holding up? I heard you had a break down.”

“It was just a bad day. Everything is okay.”

His eyes watered and he looked away from me. All the pretense of the two of us having nothing more serious than homeroom to endure disappeared. People were talking all around us and Mr. Parker said to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.

As I repeated the pledge all I could think about was what I could say to Kyle. My attempt to be reassuring seemed to bounce off him, like he could hear my words but he couldn’t feel them.

When the announcements were over I turned around and reached for his hand. If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. I wasn’t in the habit of touching guys, unless it was pretending to beat up my brothers. I was kind of violating his space, but I didn’t know how else to reach him.  His fingers curled hesitantly around mine. They were cold.

“Come see Derek this afternoon. I’ll be there at four o’clock. Okay?” I said.

He nodded and then it was time to go to classes. As he walked past me he slid his hand on my arm, but he didn’t look at me. It was like part of him wanted to be comforted, but he didn’t want to admit it.

After my first class I walked to Spanish, looking for a familiar dark-haired, lean figure in the halls. He found me first, coming up from behind and stealing my books from under my arm again.

“Hey,” he said, smiling down at me.

I tried to think of something witty to say, but I couldn’t. I was just glad he was there. I didn’t know why, but he just made everything okay.

When I got home after school my mom drove James and I to the hospital to visit Derek. “How is he today?” I asked her. James looked up from his DS, blinking at the hair in his eyes and listening to us.

“He’s still holding steady. The doctors did another EEG, which looks good. He’s healthy even though he’s not awake.”

“That’s good news, right?” I asked.

“Yes—the better news is that he’s been responding to voices and touch tests. He doesn’t have severe brain damage.”

James didn’t go back to his DS right away, as if he were thinking about what Mom had said. I wondered if he knew what an EEG was. That would be an odd thing for an nine-year old to know.

My talk with Derek was good—I’d found out Terry almost got in a fight because someone was pushing Paul and the coach got a flat tire on the way to work so he was late for school. One of the cheerleaders sprained her ankle and had to b
e carried to the nurse by some
guy.

At five o’clock Kyle still wasn’t at the hospital. Dad told me it might be hard for him to see Derek. “It’s got to be tough.”

I decided to go out to the main entrance of the hospital because I was tired of waiting. Maybe it was a bad idea to push him.

I stepped out of the elevator and walked around the information desk where three older ladies were talking with each other. It sounded like they were complaining about a supervisor or a coworker. One of them glanced up at me but didn’t want to leave her conversation to ask what I wanted.

The front lobby had high glass windows and couches scattered around on a carpet that matched. There were a few big plants next to the couches. I felt like I was in a library and needed to whisper. Other than the three older ladies, there weren’t very many people there;  only a few people were sitting on the couches. Suddenly I realized one of them was Kyle.

His head was bowed in his hands, his elbows on his knees. He was by himself, just sitting there, like he was waiting. I walked over to him.

“Kyle?”

He looked up and surprise flickered in his eyes. “Oh, hi. I was…thinking.”

I hesitated for a moment and then said, “Come on up. I’ll show you where his room is.”

He glanced around the waiting room. “Are your parents here?”

“Yeah. They’re in Derek’s room.”

That didn’t seem to comfort him but the only way he was going to feel better about Derek was to see him and talk to us. I was hoping, anyway. He looked so scared.

We stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hall to the Critical Care Unit. I waved to the nurses on the way to Derek’s room without explaining Kyle. They knew our family and weren’t too strict with the visiting rules.

Kyle stepped into the room. Mom and James were gone, probably to the hospital cafeteria, so it was just Derek and my Dad. First Kyle’s eyes went to Derek lying on the bed, his gaze following the IV lines and the machines next to his bed. When he saw my Dad he froze.

I wished I could tell him not to be afraid, but I didn’t need to. Dad stood up and put his hand out, his big hand closing over Kyle’s.

“Hi, Kyle. Thanks for coming.”

Kyle shook his hand and some of the fear left his eyes. “How are you?”

“We’re fine. How have you been?”

“Good,” Kyle responded with the polite smile from homeroom. He put his hands in his pockets, watching Derek. “How is he?”

“He’s doing pretty well, we think.”

Mom and James came in the room and Kyle turned, stepping backwards to give them more space in the small room. My mom hadn’t worn makeup since Derek’s accident, and her hair was pulled back into a clip. She doesn’t look bad without makeup because she’s naturally pretty, although she seemed more fragile lately. She looked up at Kyle and held out her hand.

“Kyle, it’s nice to meet you. How are you?”
             
He shook her hand too, giving the polite smile. “Good.”

She wanted to say more, I could tell. I think all of us wanted to comfort him somehow.

Except for James, who stared. Maybe he was too young to understand or have empathy. Or he was too concerned for Derek to worry about Kyle.

To fill the quiet I started talking. “I gave Derek all the gossip I could think of. In case he’s listening.”

Kyle nodded. “I’ve heard that’s a good thing to do.”

“I even told him about Homecoming, even though I know he didn’t care about the dance. He’ll miss being in the game, though.” Why did I say that? I shouldn’t talk about what Derek can’t do—that isn’t helping! It was too late.

Kyle dropped his eyes to the floor. “Yeah, he should be there.”

Dad looked at my Mom for a moment and then said, “Kyle, I know you don’t know us, but we want you to know that we understand, and this wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.”

Kyle smiled politely, and then his face crumbled. “I’m so sorry.”

My mom wrapped her arms around him and he hugged her back, tears spilling down his face. She rubbed his back, the way she did when she hugged us.

“Things just happen. It’s going to be okay.”

My dad put an arm around both of them as Kyle let out his grief.

I hoped as hard as I could that Kyle would know my parents cared about him. 

Kyle wiped his eyes and my parents let him go.

“It’s going to be all right,” my Dad said, his big hand still on Kyle’s shoulder.

Usually crying makes you feel better, but the look on Kyle’s face wasn’t relief. It was simply drained. The tears were gone but the anguish was still there.

“Thanks for coming to see him,” Mom said. Her eyes were sparkling with tears, and her smile was stiff because she was trying not to cry. She wasn’t emotional for Derek, though. She was sorry for Kyle.

He nodded at her and gave us the plastic smile that didn’t hide anything. I walked with him out to the hallway, but I could have been invisible. He was silent, and I could almost hear him thinking.

At the entrance to the hospital he stopped. “Your parents are really nice.”

“Thanks. I’m glad you came.”

He nodded and went to walk away, but I couldn’t let him leave without trying one more time to reach him. “Kyle?”

He turned around, his eyes still pained.

“Don’t be sad for us. We’re going to be okay.” It sounded stupid the moment I said it, but he didn’t laugh at me.

He reached down and hugged me, tight. “Don’t worry about me. Save it for Derek.”

He walked away and out into the parking lot. He didn’t look back, his head bent against the wind. It was cold out and I shivered. He looked so alone.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Ren

My conversations with friends online were starting to include both coasts. Noriko came online in the middle of a conversation with Marti.

Noriko:
Hi Ren

Me:
Hi whats up?

Noriko:
My older brother can drive us to the dance, if you want

Me: I
s he going?

Noriko:Y
es. He has a date with Stephanie.

Me:
cool. If he doesn’t mind. Steve can meet us at my house

Noriko:
That’s what I was thinking

Me:
Tell him thanks

Noriko:
I will. How is MacKenzie?

Me:
Okay, I think.

Noriko:
its so sad about Derek

Me:
I know.

Noriko:
I’m glad she has you right now

I stopped typing. I couldn’t be sure I was much help.

I wrote back to Noriko:
I’m not her only friend—she has you

Noriko:
thanks. You’re still important, though.

Me:
thanks.

I’d forgotten about Marti.

Marti:
r u dead?

Me:
yes

Marti:
I’ll be back this Sunday. Cam made the wqs. Were so stoked for him.

Me:
that’s awesome. Tell him congrats for me

Marti:
I will

Marti and Cam were following their future lives as smoothly as they rode the waves.

Noriko:
It’s too bad she can’t come to the dance.

Me:
Yeah. She’s got a lot going on right now, though.

Noriko:
I hope Derek gets better

Me:
I know.

Noriko:
Sayonara. gtg.

Me:
Sayonara

Noriko’s future was a little vague for me. She was going to live in New York and come back here and get married, I think. Sometimes I couldn’t see very much but at least I could see something.