Certainty (13 page)

"You can tell me anything. It doesn't matter what it is. I'll believe you."

He put his hand on the scarf right above mine, but he didn't touch my hand. His fingers were long and thin, and there was a scar on his third finger, a white line. He was staring down at our hands, his lashes as dark as his hair, shiny and black. 

"You don't know what I’m going to tell you. It could be insane."

"My life is already pretty insane. You couldn't make it any worse."

I didn't know why, but that was the wrong thing to say. He unwrapped my hand from his scarf and laced his fingers through mine.

"I will never make it worse for you."

I was distracted by the way his fingers fit over my hand, protective and warm. "What did you want to tell me?"

He turned my hand over and ran his thumb over my palm, sending shivers through my hand. I could feel the blood rush to my face, but I didn't move.

"Can I tell you later?"  he asked me softly. Even though he asked me to wait, his eyes were cool and confident, as if he knew my answer.

"Yes." I felt delicious and idiotic all at the same time. Stupid hormones.

He kept his fingers around mine and picked up his skateboard as we walked together. I didn't know what he was thinking.

I was thinking,
he's holding my hand!
 
             

He was probably thinking about chemistry equations or deep, dark secrets that he couldn't tell me.

When we got to the school parking lot he still held my hand. I was shocked. He was walking into school holding my hand for the entire world to see. I wasn't even the prettiest girl in school. As soon as he found someone prettier he probably wouldn't hold my hand anymore.

A cheerleader walked by in her uniform. In my opinion, she was hot. He might be rethinking his options. But now he was stuck with me, at least until we got in the building. He could change his mind by homeroom.

We stopped at his locker and he caressed my palm one last time before letting go of my hand, turning what was left of my brain into mush. "I'll see you in Spanish, okay?"

I bit my lip to keep from smiling. "Okay."

I turned away and then realized I was walking in the wrong direction. Was he watching me? I would have to walk down the stairs and then back up again to my homeroom. I bumped into Katie downstairs.

Her eyes went wide and she hugged me. "Oh, MacKenzie! I'm so sorry about Derek." Her curly hair was twisted up in a hair band with some strands falling on her neck. It was her "bad hair day" look but it was pretty on her.

I hugged her back, trying to collect my thoughts. I hadn't seen her since Friday, or texted her. "I'm sorry I didn't write you back. It's been kind of strange."

She let go. "Oh no! Don't be sorry. I understand. Ren told me about the accident and that Derek's in a coma. Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. My mom and dad are staying with him at the hospital right now. We're hoping he comes out of it. We don't know when, though."

I knew there was so much more to say, but I was still thinking about Ren. What was wrong with me? Were all the cells in my brain going to take a vacation every time he decided to touch me?

"My mom said the accident was in the paper. "

I was jolted out of my fog. "What did it say?"

"That there was an accident on Main Street and a boy was in critical condition. It didn't give Derek’s name or Kyle's, though."

"That's good. Kyle was upset about it."

"Are your parents mad at him?"

"What?" I was shocked. "No! Of course not. They know it was an accident. They aren't mad or anything like that. That's crazy."

She sighed. "I figured they weren't, but some people might be."

"No way my parents are like that. They just want Kyle to be all right."

"I'm glad. Can anyone visit Derek?"

"I don't know. I'm going to see him tonight."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

The truth is I was afraid to see Derek in a coma. I didn't want to see him with his eyes closed and unaware that we were there. Tears welled up in my eyes and I swallowed. Why is it when someone is kind it makes me feel worse? "Katie you are so sweet."

"I know it isn't the same, but when my grandmother went into the nursing home I was afraid to visit her."

I had forgotten her grandmother went into a nursing home a year ago. Or maybe I didn't realize it was so important to her. Katie was so much sweeter than I could ever be.

"No, I'll be all right. Thanks, though."

She hugged me again. "Hey, that's what friends are for."

We separated for homeroom but her kindness left me feeling weak and wanting to cry. I sat in homeroom for almost the whole time before I realized Kyle wasn't there. Was he sick? I'd have to ask Noah. What if he was absent because he felt bad about Derek? Or maybe he was avoiding homeroom because I was there? Hopefully he didn't know Derek was in a coma.

That hope was short-lived. Everyone seemed to know. Wherever I went it seemed like people were staring at me. I read a study that proved you can't feel people staring at you but I think the researchers were on crack. I could feel it. Sometimes I would catch someone looking at me and we would look away at the same time.

None of my teachers called on me, letting me sit in the class like a potted plant, observing all the humans around me.

Spanish was a welcome relief. My heart jumped when I saw Ren walking down the hall towards me. I remembered how his fingers closed around mine and wondered again what it was that he couldn't tell me. What did he mean he knew things about people? Like he was psychic? I wasn't sure I believed in that stuff.

He smiled at me and I would have believed he was an alien from outer space. A really good-looking alien.

"Hey," he said, searching my eyes.

I smiled. "Hey."

"Are you okay?"

For a split second I wanted to say I wasn’t, but I didn’t. "Yep."

Noah and Maddy came in and I caught Noah's gaze. To my surprise Noah walked over to us and sat in an empty desk next to me, folding up his long legs as he sat down. "Katie told me about Derek. I'm sorry."

His voice was soft and sincere, his eyes staring into mine, and I remembered how beautiful his eyes were--that light sea-green. This was the Noah I first admired when he moved in last year.

"Thanks, Noah. " I wanted to add a positive note, like Derek was getting better, but I couldn't.

"Hang in there.”

Why did everyone make me want to cry? I blinked and smiled, which was probably hideously fake but it was the best I could do. "I will. Thanks for asking about him."

"And Kyle..." he stopped, watching me carefully. I knew he wasn't sure how my family felt about Kyle. "..I know he's really sorry."

I didn't try to smile because I didn't want to fake anything about my answer. He needed to know I was saying the truth. "We know he is. My parents hope he's okay."

He nodded and for a moment I saw a spark that was almost approval, maybe admiration. For once he wasn't contemptuous and I wasn't defensive. There were more important matters between us now.

At lunch Noriko gave me an origami frog made out of a foil gum wrapper. It was tiny but the edges were crisp and precise. "It's for luck," she said.

I thanked her and promised to give it to Derek. Ryan managed to mutter out a "Sorry about your brother" and he even met my eyes for 2.3 seconds. That was pretty amazing, for him.

Crystal gave me a hug and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. She was the only one all day who'd cried for Derek.

Not everyone was acting like a Hallmark card commercial, though. In biology Burke was too busy trying out a digital whoopee cushion. The first victim was Stephanie, which was unfortunate. She's planning to go to Harvard, and she does everything perfectly. Unless she's bending over to pick up a piece of paper. Then apparently she has a serious intestinal problem that should require medical attention.

She turned a bright shade of pink and turned to Burke, a few rows next to her. "I know it was you!"

Burke looked offended. "I haven't farted. Ever. It's a medical phenomenon. The Discovery Channel is doing a special on me. They are putting a device up my..."

"Burke!" Mr. Leitner barked. "To the office."

"For what?" Burke said, throwing his hands up.

"For foul language!"

"You mean fart? Because I didn't even get to say the other one."

Mr. Leitner pointed to the door, his lean features almost in a scowl. "Go. Now."

Burke sighed. "Okay, but Stephanie's the one who is going to kill everyone."

"Burke!"

Burke put his hand on the door and opened it. "I'm going to close the door when I leave. All that stuff is going to be sealed in here now. I'll tell the nurse on my way to the office just in case. "

Mr. Leitner rolled his eyes and tried to get back to the lesson

As usual, even though Burke was banished he managed to echo in my head along with all the other thoughts competing for my attention. I vacillated all day between Derek and Ren and and Kyle and Burke's Discovery Channel special. Maybe my poor head was just trying to find some relief in a completely, random, unimportant event. Or I was losing my mind. Burke would pop in my head at unexpected moments and I would start giggling. Even when I was walking by myself in the halls. And then I would feel like crying at the same time. It was a weird day.

Ren met me at my locker at the end of school, leaning against the lockers as I got my books out and put them in my backpack. Maybe it was my imagination but he seemed to be watching me more intently than usual.

I closed my locker but before I could grab my backpack he picked it up, swinging it over his other shoulder so he had two backpacks.

"Oh, you don't have to do that," I said.

"Whatever," he answered and grasped my hand in his, pulling me forward.

He still wanted to hold my hand? He’d had all day to check out other options.

"I think I'm overtired."   I said as we navigated through the going-home crowd.

He looked back at me, and I was half-afraid he would think I was psycho. "You've got a lot to think about. It's okay not to be heroic."

A tear trickled down my face and I wiped it away quickly. I started to say I wasn't heroic but then my thin layer of calm broke. My throat choked off any words and the tears came so fast I couldn't stop them. I yanked my sweat-shirt hood over my head to hide my face. I hadn't cried since the mall, why now? This was a terrible time to break down and there was nothing I could do.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ren drop the backpacks. He pulled me into his chest and I stumbled against him. I wanted to stop crying and I didn't want him to let go. The tears came down faster than I could wipe them away and my whole body was shaking. It hurt so much.

I wanted Derek back and I wanted my mom and dad to stop looking so scared. I wished Saturday had never happened. But no one could take that away—we were all caught in it and we couldn’t change it. I breathed in and tried to push the pain away.

I gradually became aware of Ren’s arms around me and the feel of his body holding me tight.

He smelled like laundry detergent and some kind of guy deodorant. I could feel the buttons of his shirt against my cheek and his chest rising and falling as I cried. I didn't move, my forehead still against his chest as I dried my eyes. My mascara was probably running down my face and I didn't want to look up.

He spoke into my ear so no one else could hear. "Are you okay?"

"No,” I said into his chest, my voice thick and breaking. “Girls can't cry in public. It makes a big eyeliner disaster."

"Let me see."

"No."

He stepped away from me and bent his knees so he was eye to eye with me. I couldn't look at him at first but when I did he had a crooked smile that made me smile back.

"How bad is it?" I asked.

“You look fine. Really."

I pulled my hood farther over my face. "I don't want anyone to see me like this."

“Hmmmm.” I could barely see him since my hood was covering my eyes. He was thoughtful for a moment then he lifted my hood up. “Get on my back.”

"What?" I asked, peeking out at him.

"Get on my back and you can hide all the way home."

I hesitated. “I weigh 115.”

“Congratulations. Let’s go.”

I went to pull my backpack on my shoulders and he tugged it off. "I can handle the backpacks and you."

He gave me a 1-2-3 count and I jumped up on his back. He picked up our backpacks and started walking, his hands under my knees and my arms around his neck. I tucked my head into his neck. I could feel his arms tighten with the effort, but he didn't cry out for mercy or anything. It surprised me that he could hold my weight and the backpacks--he's taller than I am but he’s not beasty like a football player.

I hid against the back of his neck all the way through the parking lot, my cheek pressed to the warmth of his skin. I could tell when we were out of the parking lot and across the street so I lifted my head.