Chasing After Infinity (25 page)

"Stop," I start, "
stop
it!"

I don't know how I became like this--feeble and filled with so much fear that I'm trembling.

"Stop it,"
he mimics me in a girlish tone.

I run to the other side of the washroom, past the sinks. He chases after me and I keep on darting back and forth, getting away. All I have to do is maintain a distance between us-- the distance will be enough.

"Run all you want but we're going to be stuck here for the lunch period," he says.

Trying to steady my voice, I say "What did I ever do to you?"

"Oh, you did everything, all right," he sneers.

As I'm trying to
get away, get away get away
, his hand grabs my shirt, making the fabric tear. I feel panic rise in my throat.

"Get away from me!" I scream, trying to kick out at him.

"Getting feisty, huh?" He bends down and his hot breath is in front of me.

I turn my head and close my eyes.
For one last chance.
"Help, someone help!" I scream again--shrill and screechy with raw fear.
"Help!
Please--"

He bunches the material in his hands. "You ruined me," he hisses in my ear, "this
time,
I'm going to ruin you."

My legs feel like liquid and I give. He pushes me and I collide against the dirty tiles, back first. A slow ache is spreading from my back
to my arm sockets. "Help, someone!" I scream again and my voice almost breaks. "Adrian, help! Adrian!"

"Calling for
Huntington, again?" Graham pushes his face into mine. "Well, sorry sweetheart, he can't come this time."

I
knee
him--
aiming for his groin. He yelps and the pressure of his body holding me down ceases for a second so I try rolling away, but before I even manage to move, he's there again and he glares down at me. His eyes are dark with fury.

He begins to rip the buttons from my shirt and I try squirming away but his hands are there, tearing the shirt away, leaving me shivering.

Then I hear something.
A pound on the door.

And hope wears into my hazed eyes.

"
Yo
, it's locked!" I hear someone yell to someone else from behind the door. "I need to go to the bathroom like shit!"

I try to scream "Help!" but Graham claps his hand over my mouth. I try to bite his palm.

"Someone's in here!" He yells back, laughing. "Yeah, we're about to get
real
busy in here."

So this was how it's going to play out.

No. No.

Gasping, I push with all my strength, trying to get him off with my legs but he's not budging.

"We're going to get real busy in here," he repeats into my ear, his breath making rolls of disgust tumble through me.

***

ADRIAN

"You're so tense," Lauren says, edging up close to me, our chairs nearly touching as she rubs her fingers through my neck, letting her fingertips graze my hair. The table keeps on talking as if she's not there and I barely have the irritability to push her off me as I continue eating. Ever since the incident that happened weeks ago, she's recovered and thinks that we're back together. "Your muscles are like, so tense."

Her legs dangle next to mine as she slides one foot up my leg. I wipe my mouth on a napkin and discreetly move myself away.

Valerie stifles a snort as she raises an eyebrow to me as if to say,
What
is up with that girl?

I look around the table. Ryerson is talking to an Asian girl, her laughing and flipping her hair, him leaning to whisper something in her ear and that sends an annoyed feeling through my head. I thought he was after
Avena
.

Then I'm reminded of her. I survey the cafeteria and see no sign of her hair and usual scowl. Where is she?

"Adrian," Lauren whines in my ear and my attention is diverted.

***

AVENA

"You like this, don't you, you little whore?"

He's touching me and I have to get him off me. He's pinned me to the wet floor and I'm gasping underneath him as he compresses his lips over mine hard. I can barely breathe with his tongue in my mouth. I try to kick him off but he rips open my shirt, baring my shoulders and he trails his wet mouth to my
shoulderblades
, biting them. His hand is under my shirt and he groans hotly in my ear.

I'm still yelling, "Help" but it's died down to whimpers. His body is pressed tightly into mine and there's no air in my
airpipe
, just this numb choked feeling in my throat. He's burying his head into my hair as he kisses up, leaving a cold trail.

He pushes me into the tiles, on top of me as his mouth runs over my neck, his other hand feeling along my thigh, wildly feeling every part of me.
His hot breath on the back of me as he pushes against me, moaning.

I twist against him as he finds my zipper and I keep on chanting my mantra of "No, no, no...."

No, this can't be happening. This
can't
can't
be happening.

I reach out and grip the side of the sink, reaching for the dispenser. Squinting, I stretch my fingers. Come on....

Then I've got it. In a smooth motion, I bring the dispenser down on his head-right over his skull.

It's not much but he yelps loudly, letting go of me for a half-second and I use that moment to roll away from him.

My bones cracking, I jump up to my feet and run away from him. He unsteadily stands and tries to grab me but I step away and quickly reach the door.

Just as he lunges for me, I slam the door on him and lock it behind me.

Unsteadily, I slide down the length of the door, gasping and sobbing as I hear him pounding on the door behind me and swearing.

What just happened couldn't have been real.

I put my head into my hands and sobs tear through me.

***

ADRIAN

When I hear it, I have a bad feeling tasted in my mouth. I was passing through to the halls when I heard it.

"
Yo
, there's s
ome girl crying in the washroom upstairs," Josh
Kitsby
said to another senior. He was shaking his head. "I swear
,
she's just like lying there and crying. You've got to go see it."

An acrid taste in my mouth, I shake Lauren from me and she mewls in protest. "Hey, where are you going?"

I ignore her and taking the steps in the stairs, I quickly head to the eastern wing. Rounding the bend, that's where I see her.

She's huddled on the ground, her face smeared with stained tears, eyes squeezed shut. Holding her arms tightly around herself as she sobs-
-giant sobs that rattle her suddenly tiny frame. At first, I don't understand. Then I see the prints of hands on her wrist and her shirt is torn down its seams.

And I feel like someone's ripping me apart.

I cross over to her and she's still closing her eyes, saying things over and over. Then I hear her words as she sobs over and over again, "Stop
stop
stop
stop
."

Kneeling beside her, I try to place my hand on her shoulder but she lashes out at me.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieks.

"
Shh
," I say, holding her close as another shake goes through her body. "It's okay. It's okay." I close my eyes, feeling as though there's something in me that I can't control. She shudders and finally stops resisting me, her tears soaking my shirt as she digs her face into my shirt. I hold her tighter, rocking her back and forth.

"Who did this?" My voice is soft, steady.

Avena
shakes her head, staying silent.

"Who?"
I demand quieter.

She still doesn't speak.

I grab her chin and force her to look into my eyes where I hold her gaze. "It's Adrian. You know you can trust me. Please."

Then after a moment of silence, she speaks up. "Graham," she says, her voice hoarse, "they pushed me inside and
he
..."

Michaels. I should've known better than to leave her alone.

"Is he still in there?" I nod my head towards the door. She closes her eyes.

I feel like there's a reddened haze in front of my eyes as I open the door. Michaels is leaning against the floor, looking like he'd passed out. His eyes open as I approach.

A curl is on his mouth. "The almighty has arrived."

I'm in no mood to play. I've always known he had a grudge against me ever since last year when his girlfriend at that time had pounced on me but I didn't know he'd take it this far.

"Did you touch her?" I say.

He opens his mouth and closes it. "I touched every inch of her body," Michaels says, taunting me. That's dangerous. I tense as I consider breaking every single bone in his body. "She liked it rough, alright, was pretty much begging me for
it
--"

Then I
move
. I grab him by the front of his shirt and throw him onto the sink, shattering the glass
dipensers
. He tries to crawl back up again but I'm faster and I lash out at him, smashing his face with my fist as he groans.

"You care about her, don't you?" He yells as blood drips down onto his shirt. "I thought you could care less if I played around with one of your leftover scraps!"

"Shut up," I say through my teeth, anger pumping through me like venom. I punch him again in the face, making his head whip to the side as he grips his jaw in pain. "Stay away from her. Am I making myself clear?"

I'm clutching him by his collar and he's wheezing. When his face turns pink, I let go.

I throw him to the ground as I release my hold. I leave him groaning there.

***

AVENA

It feels like numbness. Like I've ran out of tears, like I'm gasping for air out in space. It hurts. I'm a wreck. I look up to see Adrian closing the door behind him and gently wiping a wet strand of hair from my cheeks. There's a cut on his lip and something dark and savage in his thunder green eyes, his dark hair rumpled,
face
pale.

"Did he hurt you?" I say into his shirt, my
words muffled as he drops down beside me and holds
me to him again.

He snorts. "Not more than I've done to him."

"Where were you?" I whisper, tears sticking to his shirt, my cheeks wet, my voice as quiet as a hushed whisper. "Where were you when I needed you?"

He says nothing, holding me tighter.

He had come just a bit too late.

I close my eyes, letting the rhythm of his rocking back and forth comfort me like the feel of his arms around me. The words slip out. "I hate him I hate him I hate him." I bunch up Adrian's shirt as I sob into it.

He lets me cry it out and I don't even look up to the onlookers that stop to glance at us. I don't care.

"I'd never let you go," he says into my hair. "I'd never let you get hurt like this again."

And then he's stolen my defenses, my life, my heart all over again and as if my senses have returned, I'm no longer numb and the pain flows over me.

He presses his lips to my forehead, stopping the flow of tears and this time, we both don't have the strength to push each other away.

chapter
twenty-one

AVENA

I don’t go to school the next day.
Or the next.
I tell my dad that I’m sick with the flu and I stay home the entire time, taking Tylenol pills and lying in bed, watching the clouds float past the window. I close my eyes
and succumb to the darkness.

By the time I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel empty; void of any emotions that had once kept me going. My chest aches with a throb, and my stomach is queasy. My head is airy and numbed. For a few minutes, I peacefully lie there, surrounded by simple unfeelingness until everything from before snakes cracks through my armour and tears the wall apart. The familiar feeling of nausea creeps up and I sit up, the world tilting at an angle before resuming.
I pull aside my curtains and outside, I see a sprinkle of stars and clear night sky. The night, before, making me feel alone, now makes me feel slightly better. The idea of a never-ending expanse of vast blackness is melancholic. The idea that there are thousands of others up at this time, looking through the same window and feeling the same thing—the same
gutwrenching
emotion—is comforting.
Slipping the covers away, I slide on a jacket as I’d fallen asleep in my clothes and I put on my shoes. Moping and wasting away like this isn’t going to help. I take a deep breath and try to alleviate the heavy feeling in me.
I creep silently downstairs and as I’m about to go another step, my phone rings. I don’t have to pick it up to know that it’s from Adrian, he’s called me earlier today and yesterday and I still don’t have the courage to talk to him. I don’t know why I’m avoiding him like this—maybe I can’t face it, or the emotion that I’m being strangled with gets stronger
everytime
I think of him. I don’t realize I’m clenching a fist until I relax.
To the beach.
It’s my salvation.
I want to feel the salty wind hitting my skin, the feeling of being swept under the waves, the diminishing pain.
Starting up the engine, I hit the gas, peeling rubber, trying to clear my head. It’s only inevitable that I return to the one place I know best.
***
ADRIAN
My insomnia is taking over me tonight. It’s what has been keeping me up all night as I lean against the bedframe, exhaling and turning my head towards the starry night. I hold the end of a cigarette between my fingers, stubbing it out.
Where is she? It’s like she’d disappeared without a trace.
Having not gone to school in almost a week.
She wouldn’t do something drastic like this. I stare at the screen of my phone and exhales sharply.
I push the button and hold it to my ear, the familiar ringing sounding. It rings five times before a voice comes on
.
“Ave—” I start but am cut off
.
“The person that you’re calling is not available right now,” the mechanic voice intones, “please leave a message and they will get back to you.”
I groan and blow out a smoke ring. “Where the hell are you? Monkey, you better pick up right about now—“
Frustrated, I throw the phone down to the bed where the screen goes to black. She can’t keep hiding like this. Besides, Michaels’s already fled. For days, we've been driving him to the wall like the coward he really is, moving in on him like a pack of wolves. He's going low under the radar these days, slinking around like a shadow.
I remember this morning when we had cornered him in the halls as he was going to the lab.
Michaels saw us and immediately veered around to go around.
"Not so fast." I blocked his exit.
Ryerson advanced on him as his eyes darted to me.
Michaels tugged his hood and mumbled something
.
“You think making a girl cry is funny?”
“I just wanted to scare her,” he said, lifting his decisive eyes. “So what are you going to do about it?”
Ryerson made a move toward him but I fisted the front of Michaels’s
shirt, slamming him against the lockers. “Do you really want to know?” I leaned down so that my eyes met his. “Didn’t I already teach you or do you want me to repeat it again?”
I pushed him harder against the locker, cutting off his airways as his face steadily turned pale. From behind me, I heard, “Huntington…”
I released him and Michaels fell to his knees, spluttering and coughing. He massaged his neck. "What do you want me to do?" His voice croaked out.
There's a pause. "Get out."
An almost imperceptible nod.
I grabbed the front of his shirt, jerking him up
.
“
Smart move.”
Then we let him go. And by the next day, there was no sign of him.
It was what I do. Intimidate people into doing things my way. And of all people who refused me, it had to be
Avena
.
I close my eyes and lean my head against the windowpane.
It was raining outside. Light plops of rain slide down the pane like a summer drizzle. It reminds me of the time we were stuck in her car as a thunderstorm raged on at the beach.
And suddenly, I know where she is.
***
AVENA