Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (4 page)

       
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“Don’t tell your father (grandparent, aunt, etc.).
It’ll kill him.”

                  
One doesn’t injure, maim or destroy another person by disclosing that s/he is gay. Bigotry coupled with a lack of differentiation (the recognition of boundaries in familial relationships) might cause a person to overreact severely to another person’s life decisions and that stress can lead to illness, but this is not the fault of the person disclosing his or her sexual identity. Love does not confer permission to control another’s life. If you are afraid that your son or daughter’s decision to come out will shock or deeply upset an emotionally fragile person in your family, do not ask your child to lie. Instead, try to prepare the individual to receive such information and support your child in delivering the news. Then help the shocked individual process the information. Consider sharing this book or seeing a professional counselor with him or her.

                  
Emotional fragility can be used as a form of manipulation. Threatening to commit suicide if someone does or does not do something is an extreme form of this. Not all emotionally fragile people are manipulative. Emotionally fragile people who are not controlling by nature are unlikely to overreact to information about a child’s sexual orientation. If the individual is physically fragile, it is best to wait until s/he is out of medical crisis. When seriously sick, one’s energy is best directed toward getting well. Even important conversations can usually wait. Your child has the right to lead a peaceful, open and happy life, regardless of whom it upsets.

       
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“I don’t want you to burn in hell.”

                  
People who say this may think they are saving a soul, when in fact they are wounding one. If you are considering telling your child that homosexuals go to hell, please reconsider. If your child is young and vulnerable, such a statement from you may kindle a shame that consumes him or her.

                  
As a practicing psychologist, I’ve heard and seen the effects of such a curse. In an attempt to avoid damnation, gays marry, remain lonely and celibate or attempt suicide. Sometimes they live dual lives, such as entering heterosexual marriages and engaging in same-sex affairs. Each of these “solutions” is terribly flawed. If you or your child holds a hell-fire view of homosexuality, I strongly suggest exposure to other religions that offer different spiritual perspectives. Many religions, even those which disagree with homosexuality, do not think being gay is a fast track to hell.

       
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“That’s so gay.” “You’re gay.” “You fag.” “You look like a fairy.”

                  
Sadly, the pejoratives “that’s gay” and “you’re gay” seem in vogue with adolescents today, though this seems at odds with the growing trend of acceptance of homosexuality, especially among young people. When gay children hear references to their sexual orientation used as insulting banter, it’s disheartening. I suspect most teens who talk like this never give much thought as to what they are saying and how it might affect the gay adolescents among them. If you hear such language used in your church or school, demand that the adults in charge (teachers, principals, clergy) do something about it.

       
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“Did somebody do this to you (e.g., were you seduced, sexually abused)?”

                  
The scientific community has come to no clear agreement as to the causes of homosexuality. Most experts suspect that sexual orientation is determined by multiple causes, both nature and nurture. This is true for most complex aspects of personality. There is no evidence to suggest that early abuse causes homosexuality, regardless of the abuser’s gender. No single factor, such as childhood sexual abuse, causes someone who is inclined toward heterosexuality to become gay.
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Sara’s Story

Twenty-three-year-old Sara has been openly gay for several years. When she came home from college, she told her parents that she had been seeing a psychologist. She revealed to them that a boyfriend in high school raped her. She asked them, “Do you think I’m gay because I was raped?”

There was only one urgent matter here: the rape. Sara shouldered this pain alone for years. I encourage all parents to take a “no rush” approach in regard to any decision about sexual orientation. First, Sara’s parents needed to communicate to their daughter that rape is never the fault of the victim and that she need not hide what happened to her. Second, the parents needed to support Sara’s efforts to come to closure. Talking it through with them and with her psychologist may have been enough, but some women feel a need to take action. While it was likely too late to press charges, there might have been something she could do, such as writing a letter to the rapist. (Safety is a prime concern in any contact with an abuser. A professional counselor or psychologist knows how to assess the risk associated with confrontation.)

I’ve treated many people who suffered abuse and never has a heterosexual client asked if early sexual trauma caused him or her to be straight. Pathologizing homosexuality has led LGBTQs to pick through their pasts looking for a cause for their homosexuality. For those who’ve been sexually abused, there can be a strong temptation to “blame” their sexual orientation on the abuse.

While there is no sufficient body of evidence that can tell us if there is a relationship between sexual abuse and sexual orientation, for either men or women, logic goes against a one-to-one relationship such as described in Sara’s case. About one in four women experience abuse at some point in their lives and the vast majority of perpetrators are male. If abuse causes homosexuality by driving women away from men, there should be many more homosexual women than are observed in the population.

However, people’s experiences do play a role in shaping them. Bad sexual experiences can influence how a person feels about future sexual experiences. For instance, a woman with a history of sexual trauma will sometimes experience emotional distress or pain with intercourse, even within a loving and healthy relationship. Here, the impact of abuse on sexuality is clear. It is much murkier when one tries to infer causality between sexual abuse and sexual orientation. It’s possible that sexual abuse, in some people, results in a willingness to explore same-sex relationships. I’ve worked with abused women
whose bitterness toward men played roles in their curiosity and exploration of same-sex relationships. In these cases, abuse is a factor in sexual behavior, but sexual behavior is not always an indication of sexual orientation. People have sex for all kinds of reasons and not always because of genuine desire.

I asked Sara if she was satisfied emotionally and sexually in her relationships with women. When she answered yes, I was disinclined to think of these relationships as a reaction to her rape. I also inquired about her experiences with men and about her sexual fantasies and attractions. In my experience, people know to whom they’re attracted, even if they are fearful of the objects of their attraction. If Sara were attracted to men (which would not discount her attraction to women), then she would be, at some level, aware of this attraction. I cautioned Sara against pathologizing relationships that bring her joy and I advised her to trust her feelings of attraction and follow where they lead.

       
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“We don’t have heterosexual pride day. Why do we have to have gay pride day?”

                  
Every day is heterosexual pride day. The entitlements of heterosexuality are so ubiquitous they are seen as natural and go unappreciated. Proms celebrate a king and queen and not a king and king. Towel sets are printed “his” and “hers” not “hers” and “hers.” Magazines depict attractive heterosexual couples. Movies about gay relationships are rarely seen in mainstream outlets and most LGBTQs will never see a gay couple reflected in a magazine in the dentist’s waiting room. In some work settings, acknowledgement of a same-sex partner could endanger promotion. In most towns and cities, heterosexual couples walk the streets arm in arm without fear while it is an act of pure courage for a gay couple to hold hands. Heterosexual relationships are exalted every day, everywhere. When the same is true for gay relationships, there will be no need for a gay pride day or parade.

       
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“It was just a joke. Nobody meant anything by it.”

                  
Not every LGBTQ handles gay “jokes” in the same manner. Some people choose to ignore them. For others, the context might determine whether they confront the jokers or let them pass unchallenged. I suspect that the stage of the gay
individual’s identity development as well as his or her personality and temperament play a role in how the person responds. For instance, an LGBTQ individual in the Identity Pride stage may be more likely to express anger than one in Identity Comparison who might treat the joke as a non-issue or even laugh at it. (Stages of sexual identity development are discussed in
chapter 17
.)

                  
When gays react negatively to gay jokes, it may be difficult for heterosexuals to empathize. LGBTQs who confront anti-gay comments can be seen as overreacting. By virtue of their readiness to interrupt a pleasant conversation with complaints of gay bashing, they may be seen as self-indulgent.

                  
Gay jokes register differently with LGBTQs than with heterosexuals. In general, heterosexuals are more likely to make allowances, such as assuming that a joke was made without conscious intent to harm, which may be true. They see the comment in the context of their whole impression of the joke maker, forgiving, perhaps, this one sour note in an otherwise pleasant song. Conversely, LGBTQs tend to hear a gay joke if it’s whispered in a crowded room. When they hear one, they are less likely to care about intent. They feel personally put down, which is essentially accurate.

                  
This difference in perceptions and reactions is understandable. Heterosexuals do not experience ridicule about their sexual orientation and so they are naturally not defensive on the subject. There is no wound and, therefore, no need to guard that wound. There is no pain and, therefore, no need to remain vigilant so as to preempt the next blow. Because they are not fighting a war against discrimination, heterosexuals are not likely to understand how a small act of degradation can feel like lost ground.

                  
As a parent, it is important for you to know that gay jokes hurt people. They push closeted gays further into dark corners and add to the already heavy burden for those who struggle with self-acceptance. I think of gay jokes as the proverbial straws dumped on the camel’s back. When I hear one, I fear that for someone in the room it will prove to be the last straw.

                  
There is no easy way to close the rift in perception between sexual minorities and heterosexuals. I look forward to the day when mockery of LGBTQs is viewed as socially repugnant. Until that day comes, there are always bridges that can allow passage from one world view to another. Stand up for your child by interrupting gay jokes that occur in your presence. Listen to your child’s insights and perceptions. By valuing his or her experience, you build the bridge that maintains your connection.

M
aybe you don’t want to say the wrong thing, but you aren’t sure what to say. In my opinion, the most important words you can say to your gay child are: “I love you.” This is the fastest way to allay any fear of rejection. The second most important thing you can say is: “I’m proud of you.” This dismisses any assumption of parental disappointment. The third most important thing to say is: “I’m glad you told me.” This conveys that you are not going to crumble and that you can handle this news.

If you are baffled or unglued by your child’s disclosure of his or her sexual orientation, I suggest that you refrain, at least initially, from sharing those feelings. Instead, focus on your child’s feelings. Ask, “Was it hard for you tell me?” “How long have you been struggling with telling me?” “What do you need from me?” If your child looks sad, ask about the sadness. If your son or daughter looks angry, ask what s/he is angry about. There are many ways to feel about coming out, including relief and happiness. Try not to make any assumptions about how your child feels about being gay. Staying focused on your child allows you to gather more information from him or her while collecting your own feelings.

When your child is more at ease with his or her sexuality and decision to come out to you, you can admit that you’re confused
or scared as long as you own your feelings. Owning your feelings is acknowledging that how you feel may not be how everybody feels or how your child feels. Your child probably already knows if you have a negative view of homosexuality, so don’t be afraid to admit that you were taught to think of homosexuality as a sin (or whatever you were taught) and that you feel unsettled by the news that s/he is gay. Follow this with more reassurance that you are not going anywhere. You might try: “You’re going to have to teach me about this. I need to learn more about homosexuality.”

Don’t rush in with advice. This is probably new terrain for you. When faced with new terrain, it’s a good idea to step back and observe before forging ahead. You can look on the Web site of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) to see if they have a local chapter near you. Through PFLAG, you can meet other parents who are making the adjustment to having a gay child. You can also meet parents who are completely at ease with their children’s sexual orientations. It’s a good idea to find varied and reliable sources to read as well. If your child offers you something specific to read, read it. S/he needs to know that you want to understand things from his or her perspective. Your child will appreciate that you’re willing and want to take this journey together.