Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (3 page)

What if your child is angry at you? Your child says s/he tried to tell you but you didn’t listen. What if s/he is right? There are many ways not to hear. Can you remember a time when your child started talking about his sexuality and you changed the subject or you said nothing and he never brought it up again? Maybe she began talking about a special friend and you made a joke or said something that shut her down. If so, her anger now is a shield. Your child doesn’t want to be disappointed again. Guilt serves one purpose: it motivates us to change course. Once the course is changed, continued guilt is unhelpful. You can diffuse your son or daughter’s anger by acknowledging past mistakes and by displaying a fearless alacrity for honest and candid discussions about homosexuality.

Maybe your child is not the angry one; maybe you’re angry with her, because you feel disappointed. Disappointment is tied to expectations. Without expectations, there would be no disappointment. There are times when I fantasize about my son’s future. In my mind’s eye, I picture him as a man. He is kind and confident. He stands with his shoulders back and his head held high. And why not? He can do just about anything. In my mind, one minute he is collecting his diploma and the next he is performing at a concert. When he’s not succeeding at work, he is home with his spouse and his baby. Yes, I can see him clearly, his brown eyes fixed on the cooing baby resting in the crook of his arm.

Is it right for me to tell my son about my dreams for him? Isn’t that intrusive and overbearing? Doesn’t it impose undo pressure on him? I have had a life full of choices and, for the most part, I’ve had the luxury to make them freely. My son deserves the same. On the other hand, a parent cannot lead without setting a course. While I will never tell my child what profession to choose, I will instill in him the
expectation that he will go to college. While I will not tell him to have children, I do comment, as he rocks his baby doll, that he shows signs of being a good daddy. As my son enters early adulthood, he will begin to evaluate the course upon which his parents have set him. As he matures, he will decide if that course is right for him. When that time comes, the most important thing I can do is recognize where I end and where he begins and to keep my dreams out of his way.

Respecting your teen or adult child’s life decisions isn’t always easy, particularly if you fear that the decisions will cost him or her, one way or another. You may fear that life as a gay man or woman will offer less than life as a heterosexual. Many parents of gay children worry that their children will be cut off from a litany of opportunities, including the wonders of marriage and of raising children. There was a time when these fears were warranted, but now there are more options. If s/he chooses, your child can marry and be a parent. There are several states that protect gay marriage and respect the adoption rights of gay citizens.

If you take away only one truth from this book, make it this one: The greatest barriers to happiness that your son or daughter will face will be self-imposed.

IF YOU ARE CONSERVATIVE

Parents who are socially, politically and religiously conservative will usually have a more difficult time accepting and coping with a child coming out as gay.

       
•  Shock: Homosexuality was never an option.

       
•  Disappointment: Is my child doing something immoral?

       
•  Guilt: I must have done something wrong as a parent.

       
•  Shame: My child and I will be ostracized.

       
•  Fear: I don’t want my child to lose his/her relationship with God.

       
•  Anger: I think homosexuality is a choice and this choice hurts me.

If, while out for a walk, you turn around and see a truck grille bearing down on you, your brain rushes a message to all corners of your body telling it to fight or flee. Almost instantaneously, your heart
begins pumping harder, your breath quickens, your muscles tense. If the threat is a truck, these physiological changes will enhance your chance of jumping clear of disaster. Unfortunately, your brain reacts to all perceived threats in the same manner, even though all threats are not alike. A severe emotional shock can set in motion the very same physiological reactions as facing an oncoming vehicle. When that happens, a person reacts defensively.

If you believe that being gay is abnormal, a perversion or a sin, it was most likely a terrible shock to hear your child say that s/he is gay. It might have felt as if you’d been sucker punched. It might have seemed as if, in a very real way, the life of your child was under threat. At times like this, parents don’t think; they react. If you reacted with a fight posture, you may have said something you later thought was unkind or even cruel. You might have attacked homosexuals and, in doing so, attacked your child. If your reaction was to flee, you might have changed the subject, been dismissive or literally fled from the room. Given your beliefs about homosexuality, your reactions were normal. It’s what the body does. But what is normal isn’t always what is best. The brain does not always perceive the world accurately.

You need time to evaluate your perceptions. You need to find a way to cool down, to slow down. Get out of the defensive mode and into the thinking mode. Stop reacting and start responding. Regardless of your beliefs about homosexuality, acting defensively at this moment will drive a wedge between you and your child. If you regret your first reaction to your child’s disclosure of his or her sexual orientation, tell your child that you are sorry, that you were shocked and that you need time to think. Tell your son or daughter that you won’t run away again and that you’ll work it out together.

Meanwhile, you owe it to your child to learn more about homosexuality. Given your beliefs, it is unlikely that you have close friends who are gay. Limited exposure to gays has left you to rely solely on stereotypes. You need to get beyond stereotypes. Learning more about the LGBTQ community may not change your fundamental beliefs about the nature of homosexuality, but it may result in reducing or eliminating some of your fears.

I am openly gay at my place of work, but most clients who are referred to me for therapy are unaware of my sexual orientation and my position on homosexuality. Unless told otherwise, most people assume I’m heterosexual. As a result, I hear a lot of unfiltered thoughts
and feelings about homosexuals. There was a time in my life when some of the things I heard upset me, even rendered me ineffective as a therapist due to my own defensive reactions, but I am in a different place now. I’m not without feelings, but I am less likely to let someone else’s opinion define me. Ultimately, you want your child to be resilient to homophobic remarks and to have a healthy self-esteem. Even if you are against homosexuality, you can probably agree that healthy decisions can’t be made in a context of fear or self-loathing. Only when self-esteem is intact is a person able to make sound, sensible decisions that promote success and health.

If you disapprove of homosexuality, your child has probably hidden his or her sexuality for some time. S/he may have withheld this from you out of fear of being disowned by you or of losing your love and respect. As your son or daughter, your child may share many of your values including the belief that homosexuality is not acceptable. If this is the case, then your child has probably tried his or her best to ignore or rebuke his or her sexual feelings in the hope that s/he could make them go away. Telling you now is an act of courage and a leap of faith. No adolescent or young man or woman wants to discuss sexuality with his or her parents. It is a time when children usually start defining adult boundaries with parents and privacy with regard to sexual behavior usually tops the list. To start a conversation with you about his or her sexuality is, at the very least, uncomfortable. Knowing how you feel about homosexuality may provoke in your child a sense of exquisite vulnerability.

It is very important that you remember that your child’s identity is vastly larger than the aspect of his or her personality that is sexual orientation. If s/he has been hiding that s/he is gay, s/he may have lost that perspective. Shame grows in silence and it grows out of proportion, trumping all positive and uplifting thoughts. When a closeted gay child is well liked by his or her peers, s/he may privately think,
If they knew I was gay, they wouldn’t like me
. When s/he is selected for an honor, s/he may think,
If they knew I was gay, there is no way they’d be giving me this award
. In this way, a child’s self-esteem is slowly eroded and s/he experiences life and any accomplishments as a series of lies. For these reasons, it is important that your child come to grips with his or her sexual orientation by talking openly about his or her feelings, beliefs and values. Your child needs to discover that people will
continue to want his or her friendship and that s/he can succeed, regardless of his or her sexual orientation.

If your child believes that s/he cannot suppress his or her homosexual feelings while also believing that life, as a homosexual, is untenable, s/he may be in danger of self-harm. Remember, your child has likely struggled with his or her sexual orientation for some time before telling you. S/he waited, perhaps hoping it was a phase. S/he ignored it, maybe hoping it would go away. Your child may have a great deal of unexpressed guilt and self-disgust, because s/he deems him or herself weak, sick or unclean. It is important that you not reinforce those feelings. Whether you believe that homosexuality is a behavior to control or a trait to suppress doesn’t really matter at this moment. Right now, the emotional health and safety of your child ought to be the first priority.

Coming out is a vulnerable time; so much so that some gay children consider suicide.
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You must help your child recognize that sexual orientation is only one aspect of self and does not define him or her any more than any other singular quality. Any emotional or religious conflicts that your child or you might have about sexual orientation must be kept in the right context and in the right perspective. Challenging your child’s sexual orientation or, worse, giving ultimatums, is a poor first response. Your first response needs to de-escalate the situation emotionally. It should buoy self-esteem and reinforce your connection. It should keep your child talking. Don’t let your beliefs stop you from listening. Most importantly, be sure you communicate that, whatever happens in regard to sexual orientation, you will never withdraw your love.

S
ome things well-meaning folks say to and around LGBTQS are better left unsaid. In this chapter we will discuss several statements you or others may feel inclined to say or perhaps have already said to your gay child and how they can be hurtful to your child.

       
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“Why now? You weren’t gay before!”

                  
Many LGBTQs say they “always” knew that they were different. They can point to early memories of same-sex attraction and feelings that might not have been fully understood or voiced but were, nonetheless, undeniable. For others, self-awareness trickles into consciousness. It is a puzzle, the result of which is withheld from the puzzler until the final piece is pushed into place.

                  
There are many factors that influence when a gay person comes out to him or herself. Some of these factors are external, such as whether or not the individual’s family, peers, school, church, etc., promote discussion of sexuality and are open to homosexuality. Other factors are internal, such as the individual’s comfort with sexuality in general, the time of onset of sexual feelings and the intensity of the person’s sexual feelings.

                  
As with heterosexuals, some homosexuals are early bloomers while others are late bloomers. In the case of bisexuality, there is a socially acceptable means of meeting relationship needs that may reduce the urgency to act on or even acknowledge same-sex attractions.

       
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“I don’t agree with it.”

                  
This might be followed by back-stepping or a softening of position, such as stating that “it’s between you and God.” Signaling disapproval at the onset of the conversation precludes the dialog from continuing productively. Refrain from offering your opinion about homosexuality before hearing what your child has to say. While this is good advice for most parent-child discussions, it is especially true when the child brings up something of a sensitive nature. By listening and not reacting, you will have a better chance of offering advice that accurately targets your child’s needs. More importantly, listening demonstrates that you will not shut down and turn away.

       
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“I don’t care if you’re gay; I love you anyway” or
“Don’t worry. I still love you.”

                  
When I came out, I heard these kinds of remarks a lot. It felt to me as if something was given and then taken away. Though seemingly supportive, this response implies that the gay person doesn’t warrant love, but the friend or family member offers it “anyway” or “still.” If your child is in the midst of a struggle with shame, s/he won’t hear the love in your words. Your child will only hear hesitation and judgment. Instead of saying, “I love you anyway,” stick with the tried and true, “I love you.”

       
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“Why did you feel you needed to tell me?”

                  
Why do we talk about hopes, dreams and fears with those we love and those who love us? We do so because disclosure is an important aspect of intimacy and connection. If we are to be authentic and truly present in a relationship then it is necessary to disclose who we are and what matters to us. Your child told you the truth about who s/he really is
and s/he did so, perhaps, with some degree of fear about how you would react. Your child took this difficult step because, though hard to do, it was still harder for him or her to lie, conceal and keep distant from you. Your son or daughter couldn’t bear to continue the farce. S/he couldn’t keep wearing a mask, not with you. Your child needed to tell you that s/he was gay because s/he loves you. That’s a very good reason and you can count it as evidence of the parent-child bond that you helped to create.