Consolation (Consolation Duet #1) (5 page)

Liam turns and eyes me cautiously. “Let’s pretend you didn’t call me old and fat in the same minute.”

“Pretend away . . .” I trail off and saunter into the kitchen. Before I reach the door, I glance over my shoulder to see his reaction. He stands there stunned with his mouth agape. I grin and proceed forward, leaving him there.

“I’ll show you fat,” I hear him say under his breath as the door swings closed.

I stare at the countertops across the kitchen. The trace of a smile lingers on my lips when a part of me starts to hurt. The part that thinks it’s too early to feel okay again. Shouldn’t I hurt and be sad? It’s only been six months. Then there’s the other side of me that says
It’s been six months already
. . .
live.
Aaron wouldn’t want me to be alone. He wouldn’t want me to be sad all the time.

“You got any coffee?” Liam asks as he yawns, walking into the kitchen.

“Do you know who you’re asking?” I say laughing. I get the things out and pour him a cup. “I’m a single mom. Coffee is my drug of choice.”

“Thanks.” He lifts the cup and practically chugs it. “I’m gonna head out and work on the car again. There are still a few things I need to fix before it’ll sell.”

Liam inclines back, not breaking his gaze. I look at him, really take a second to look. His eyes always have a gleam to them . . . a little sexy and a little mischief brew behind them. The three-day-old beard he always wears makes him appear rugged and tough. Of course his body screams danger, but he’s not overly in your face about it. He knows he’s sexy, but he’s relaxed.

“Okay, I’m gonna take a walk down to the beach while she’s still asleep.” I walk over and place my hand on his shoulder and grab the baby monitor. “Thank you, Liam. I appreciate everything.”

His hand covers mine. “Anything you need, I’m here.” He pats my hand and I walk away with a soft smile, thinking about how it feels having him around.

I put away the coffee mug sitting on the counter. Opening the cabinet, I see Aaron’s favorite cup. The one I gave him on our last anniversary, it says: No one loves you like me. The past hits me full force.

“Aaron, stop!” I giggle as he grabs my waist and throws me down in the sand in front of our house.

“Say ‘uncle’.” He tickles me as I squirm beneath him.

I giggle and try to get out from under him, even though I know it’ll never happen. “If you love me, you’ll stop.”

Immediately his hands leave my sides and he places them beside my head. “No one will ever love you as much as I do.”

My hand glides up his arm and I press it against his cheek. “No woman will ever love you as much as I do.”

“No woman will ever get close.”

“Better not.”

He rolls to the side and pulls me against his chest. I rest here and relax into his embrace. “Do you ever think about what you’d do if I was gone?”

His question startles me. “Sometimes.” It’s been three years of him being in the teams and I’d be lying if I told him I didn’t think about it. He’s deployed almost every six months, and each time, they get harder and harder. I want my husband, but I understand his duty. It’s difficult to love someone and know they might not come home, but the idea of not loving him is unimaginable. I was built for this life—not every woman can be a military wife, but even fewer can handle being a SEAL wife. You have to love deeper, stand stronger, but know that at any moment bonds can break. We fight like everyone else, but Aaron and I want this. We’ve seen so many friends go through infidelity and divorce, but we keep our love on course. He leaves in three days and I’m soaking up as much time with him as I can.

“I’d want you to love again, Lee,” Aaron says as he kisses the top of my head. “Promise me that if something happens to me you’ll find someone else.”

I don’t want to promise. I don’t even want to think of the possibility, so I stay quiet.

Aaron bristles and forces me to sit up. Turning to look at him I see his eyes harden. He’s not going to back down. “Promise me.”

“Nothing’s going to happen, so my promise isn’t needed. Besides would you really want someone else sleeping in our bed? I don’t.”

“I need to know you’ll be loved. I need to know if I’m gone, you’ll have someone to protect you.”

His words both warm me and infuriate me. “I don’t need protection.”

“Natalie,” he says tenderly. “I know you’re strong, babe. I know you don’t need to be protected, but I need this. I need to know you’ll find someone to be there.”

“I really don’t want to talk about this.”

He pulls me back across his chest. “I know, but I don’t want to leave without it.”

“Then don’t leave.”

The laugh escapes his chest as we both know it’s funny because it’s not his choice and he surely would never skip out.

“Fine,” I say reluctantly. “I promise.” Hoping it’s the one promise I can break.

A tear falls and the need to leave this house makes it impossible to breathe. I rush out of my chair and head out onto the deck. I wish I could forget it all. He would talk about valor and courage, he would tell me how he always hoped when he died it would be for something. It feels like it was all for nothing.

I start to walk down the beach as the water rushes up and covers my toes. The wind blows and I close my eyes and feel it wash over me. I stand in the wake of the waves and try to feel him.

“Aaron, I miss you,” I whisper into the wind. “I hate that you left me. I wish you could see what each day is like for me. Our daughter is growing so big. I need you. She needs you.” More tears fall upon my cheek as I pray to my husband. “You made me make these promises. Promises I can’t keep.”

“Hey,” a deep, thick voice calls gently from behind me. “Lee . . . you okay?”

I turn and Liam steps closer. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply as I wipe under my eyes.

He walks closer, blocking the sun behind him. “I saw you run out and then you didn’t answer me when I called out to you.”

My guard is down and I’m vulnerable. I know he can see it all. “I’m fi—”

“Don’t say ‘fine.’ You’re not fine. You’re crying and you’ve never been a liar so don’t be one now. Come here,” he says as he steps forward with arms open.

I walk toward him and slam into his chest as his arms wrap around me like a vise. The mix of emotions comes crashing around me and I sob in his arms. “Why did he have to go? Why couldn’t he just stay home? I hate this. I’m so alone. I want him home,” I cry out as my fingers grip his shirt and hold on. “I need him so much! I miss him so much it hurts to breathe!” I pull Liam close as I lose it. “God! It’s not fair!”

“No, it’s not,” he says as he rubs his hand up and down my back.

“But he left and now I live every day wishing he didn’t get on that damn plane. He was out! He wasn’t supposed to die!” My legs start to crumble but Liam keeps me up.

“You’re so strong, Lee.” I look up and his eyes say so much. “Don’t downplay how hard this is.”

His words envelope me and I know it’s true. I’m strong, but there are parts of me that aren’t. I never want to know pain like this again. I’ve built a fortress around myself because I have to protect my daughter and myself. I realize where I am, in his arms, crying in the ocean. “I’m a mess. I’m so sorry.”

“Natalie, goddammit, stop saying you’re fucking sorry. Have you cried at all since he died? Have you let yourself grieve at all?”

I step back and he grabs my wrist. My eyes stay downcast as I try to muster any strength I have left. “Yes, I grieved.” I glance at him and draw in a deep cleansing breath. “What good does crying do? He’s dead. He won’t ever come home. I have a daughter, a house, a mortgage, and a shit ton of other things to worry about.” The words rush out uncontrollably. “You get to go on your missions and escape the hell that slaps me in the face every day. I’m alone, Liam. He left and all I have is a folded up flag and a lifetime of heartache. So, yeah, I grieve.”

Liam releases my arms and steps out of the waves. “You think missions are an escape? We all remember the men we’ve lost when we go out there. We look around and know the plane could be one body less. That it actually
is
a body less. I know the chances and I live for this. I hate that you have a flag on your mantel and would give anything to trade places with him. What the fuck do I leave behind?”

I take a step toward him and close my eyes. I know how they all feel about each other. They trust each other more than a husband and wife. To Aaron, his teammates were whether he lived or died. So many nights we spent talking about how he would take a bullet for any of them. I remember being so angry and yelling about how stupid he was. How he was willing to die for one of them and how that would affect me. He would kiss me and tell me it was the way it was.

“I think Aaron would’ve wanted it this way.”

Liam looks up and our eyes lock. I see the man he is. The man who would’ve taken his place but can’t, so he’s here—for me. Every day, Liam is here. He helps me, makes me laugh and smile. Cares for us.

“He would’ve what?” he asks confused. His hands clench, and I step forward and give him some of the comfort he’s given me.

“Wanted to die like this. To feel like it was for something or someone. If Mark or Jackson would’ve gone on that mission, he would’ve hated himself. Wishing he could’ve taken their place. He always wanted to go down in a blaze of glory. To die for a reason. I don’t know what the damn reason is though.”

“Me either. I would’ve gladly changed places with him. He had you and Aarabelle to live for.” Liam’s hand grabs mine and he pulls me close. “Are you gonna be okay?”

I do have Aarabelle and I have my entire life ahead of me. I deserve to be happy and it’s time I started to live like it.

I look up and give a tiny nod, “I think I will be.”

“I think you will too.”

“Knock, knock,” I hear Reanell call as she opens my door.

“What’s up, my love?” I ask, my voice radiating with delight.

“You’re awful perky this morning,” she looks at me skeptically.

I’m starting a new outlook from this day forward. I can continue to be sad and mopey or I can remember Aaron as the man he was. The husband, sailor, and hero, not the martyr I’ve made him. I go back to work in a few weeks, I have a great support system. It’s time to start taking baby steps.

“Well, who wouldn’t smile at your beautiful face?” I ask sweetly.

“Could it be the sex-on-a-stick outside shirtless fixing the shed?” She looks out the window as she moans. “God, men like him aren’t real. They’re sent to toy with us.”

Looking behind her, I suppress a groan. She’ll take that as something it’s not. But seriously, holy shit. His back is taut and the muscles ripple as he lifts the two-by-four and then nails it into place. His arms flex and I gawk. He wipes his brow as the sweat trickles down his face and I fight the urge to keep looking. I turn my head but my eyes stay glued to him.

Reanell clears her throat and stares at me with her brow raised. “Well, well, well. What do we have here?”

“Nothing. What?” I pretend to sound confused at what she saw.

“Right. Nothing at all.”

“Nope. Nothing to see here.”

She looks back out the window. “There’s plenty to see my friend. Plenty indeed.”

I need to flip the attention. “Did anyone ever tell you you’re a horny housewife who needs a job?”

“A few times. Mason appreciates that I can shop without buying.”

I laugh and slap her arm. “Yeah, it’s about the only thing you don’t buy.”

She looks away and snorts. “Accurate. I’m also not buying your diversion. I saw you eating him alive.”

“No, I’m not even ready to go there. Let’s change the subject, okay?”

“No, not until you admit he’s hot.”

“Why does it matter if I think he’s hot?” I scoff.

Rea smiles and puts her hands on her hips. “Admit it.”

“Fine, I won’t deny it. He’s hot.”

“I knew you thought so,” she smirks.

I roll my eyes and smother the desire to choke her.

“Besides, if you did deny it, I would be worried,” she laughs. “How about while Aarabelle’s sleeping, we can do some stuff around here?”

I look at the mantel and my heart falters. I can feel him everywhere and I’m not ready to lose that. Already I’ve lost so much. Just pulling into my drive without his car there will be one more reminder. Loss and anger are at war in me. I’m mad at everyone and everything, but then I have to go on day by day. I don’t get to sulk and be sad because there’s a tiny baby that we made together. I close my eyes and think of him.

“Sure,” the word falls out.

We spend the next few hours cleaning papers and things around the house. I’m sweating and huffing from carrying all the boxes up and down the stairs. It’s been a long day and I look like hell but feel a little lighter. We’ve got things organized, and as much as I want to stop, I also want to keep going. I worry the strength I’ve harnessed will be lost tomorrow.

Before I can tell Rea my plan to keep on, she looks over and frowns. “I need to get home. Mason wants dinner early and I want a new purse.”