Deeper (11 page)

“Knight…” I don’t know what to say. I want to tidy his hair, caress his cheek, anything to comfort him, to wipe that look away. It’s a look that is silently screaming.

He stiffens, as if he can sense my pity. Then he stands. “I need to get out of here. Wanna do something?”

My feet ache. We’re both getting off a long shift. I should say no, go to bed, get some rest and get off my feet. But it’s fun being with Knight. I’ve been wondering when or if we’ll hang out, like he said at the party. I’d like to get to know him better, just as a friend. I have a feeling we can understand each other better than anyone else, if we give it time.

“Sure. Where d’you want to go?” I ask, standing and opening the office door for him. He follows me and we walk into the break room and open our lockers. Awkward silence wins over as we both pull our stuff out and shove it into our bags. Like we’ve both realized we really are leaving together for the first time. I suppose it’s a little backwards, and we should have done this before making out, but oh well.

“How about mini golf?”

My head bobs back in shock. “Mini golf?”

“Yeah.” He slings his backpack over his shoulder. He’s wearing faded jeans and a tee shirt, but still looks like a model.

“Give me a sec.” I jump into the restroom and change into a tee shirt and tighter jeans. Not dressy by any means but not trying to disguise my shape like I do when I’m supervising the deck. I don’t need trouble then. I kind of want a little trouble now.

I come out, and his eyes roam over me before he gives me an appreciative smile. It makes him look less tired, and I’m grateful for that. “Shall we?”

He opens the door. “We shall.”

“Do you have a favorite mini golf place or something? Your go-to for dates?” Oh no, I’ve called it a date.

He looks over at me, cocks his head. “Not really. This is my first date in a long time.”

We pull up in front of a mini golf place that’s open late at night and I wonder at his judgment. It’s run down and pretty trashy looking. At least it’s well lit, by old looking lamps that just illuminate the worn greens and run-down structures.

“So, what do you think?”

I exhale through my nose. “Kind of a dump.”

He laughs and puts an arm around me as we walk in. “Yeah I know. I grew up around here though. It’s one of my home places.”

His arm around me feels warm and protective. Am I giving him the wrong idea by allowing it around me? I’m not sure what is between us. We’ve kissed, can’t seem to stop kissing, but we’re also coworkers, and there’s also the issue of all of the things we can’t be.

I leave his arm around me because it seems to deter the shady clientele around us. Mostly teens in beat up clothing with chains hanging from their jeans.

“Worried, princess?”

“Never.”

He removes his arm to pay, and we go to pick our clubs. I grab a nice red one and Knight laughs and takes it and switches it with a blue one, saying I’ve grabbed the wrong size. How was I supposed to know? I’ve never played, not that I’m going to tell him that.

I move towards the green everyone is playing indoors, but he waves me toward a door leading outside. When I get out there, there’s another set of holes lit up by outdoor lights, and no one else is around. Cool night air sweeps over me as I take in the scene. It’s almost a little magic, what the moonlight does to the greens and fixtures.

There’s even a little castle resting on a hill around the middle of the course, and from far away, it looks like something right out of sleeping beauty. Out here, the old structures look nostalgic, rather than ragged.

Knight sets his ball down on the green, but instead of hitting it, stands up and puts his club across his shoulders, holding it there with both hands, displaying his arm muscles in a distracting way. I hope he doesn’t do that while we’re playing.

I won’t be able to hit anything if he does. I never knew I could feel this way about a boy. Maybe I’m just a good girl infatuated with my first “bad boy”. But maybe it’s more than that.

“So, since I brought you here to get to know you better, I thought we’d make it a game.” He grins playfully and bites his lip.

“Isn’t golf already a game?” I lower my club and test it out with a few swings.

“I mean another game.” He comes closer, towering over me with his perfect arms, perfect pecs, perfect face. “With different stakes.”

“What kind of stakes?” I back up a little, because his body does something to me when he’s too close.

“Whoever gets the lowest strokes on the hole gets to ask the other a question and they have to tell the truth.”

I hesitate. I might be terrible at this game. On top of that, we both have so many secrets that this could easily go wrong. But he wants to know more about me, and that warms me somehow. He keeps making me more aware of myself. He’s making me realize how much I’ve been missing.

I’ll give him his questions. It’s been a long time since anyone asked any relevant ones.

“Fine.”

“And if I get a hole in one, I get to kiss you.” He leans down, his face close to mine, arms still on the club over his shoulders.

I shiver. “What do I get for a hole in one?”

“You get to kiss me.” He says it like he’s awarding the best prize in the world. Maybe he is.

“Hmm…” I put my hand to my chin and pretend to consider it. I do something I haven’t done in a long time, and pretend to stroke my imaginary beard. I used to be much quirkier. All of that stopped when William died.

“You have a beard?”

“Naw, just like to pretend I can stroke it when I’m thinking. You know, guys do it a lot when they are thinking, so I do too.” It always made people laugh before. That seems like a distant memory.

He bends over laughing, then stands. “Rain, you’re so weird sometimes.”

“I don’t think I’m that weird.” I move his ball out of the way and set mine down for the first hole. Been a while since I got called weird. I kind of like it. It makes things feel normal again. “Maybe a little different.”

“Way different.”

I make a lopsided whack that somehow sends the ball clattering around a corner and towards the hole. Maybe two more strokes to get it in. “Why?”

“One.” He sets his ball down. “You don’t have sex.” He hits it smoothly, all of his muscles working in a beautiful line, and it passes mine. “Two, you don’t drink. Three, you stroke your beard, even though you don’t have one. Four, you take bets on something even when you’re sure to lose.” He makes a mock swing with his club that looks just like mine, and I laugh.

“Well, maybe you’ll throw a couple of holes for me? Besides, I’m flattered you want to know about me.”

“Who wouldn’t? You’re an interesting person. Your turn, by the way. My ball is closer, but I’m just going to alternate with you.”

I frown, start to aim, and he sighs and drops his club. He comes over to me and puts his arms around me to grasp the club. It’s the oldest trick in the book to touch a girl, but I think he’s actually trying to teach me. Even so, when he wraps his arms around mine, I can feel the solid muscle of his arms, his chest pressing into my back. He’s so large and I just want to lean back into him and draw his arms around me. If only. Moments like this make me hate myself more than ever for what I did last summer.

He moves my arms with my club and swiftly strokes the ball into the hole. My first hole in two.

I smile and he grabs his club, sinks his ball, and sits on the bench before the next hole. It’s a gorgeous night, the stars are barely visible, but the clouds do interesting things as they cross in thin waves over the moon and cast shadows on the course.

“I’ll let you ask the first question, since that might be the only time you tie me.” He sits back, puts his arm along the back of the bench, around me but not around me. I lean back as well. It’s nice to just be with someone. I haven’t let myself do anything like this in so long.

So this was what I missed freshman year, when I stayed in studying while the others went out with boys. Night air, getting to know someone, and just that incredible feeling of not being alone anymore. The excitement of something new starting, while you still have all of the fantasies about where it can go and who that other person might be.

I need to think of a question. “Alright, favorite food.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“I don’t want to ask you anything you wouldn’t want to tell me on your own.”

“Spaghetti.”

“Boring.” I stand and head for the next hole. He doesn’t move. I turn back to see he’s watching me, just sitting there and staring as I move. It feels oddly hot to just be stared at like that, to be the focus of his intense eyes, the night silent around us.

“Your turn to go first,” I say.

He waves a hand.

“Fair is fair.”

He nods, stands, strides over, puts the ball down, glares at the hole for a moment, then swings. The ball goes smoothly up the hill in a straight line, into a little cup that takes it out of sight and spits it out on a lower level, straight into the hole.

He turns to me, biting the inside of his cheek in a way that highlights his cheekbones. “Hole in one.”

My stomach starts fluttering. I shouldn’t have agreed to any bets.

He walks over to me, his club in his hand. When he gets to me, he puts it around me, uses it to cage me against him, looks down at me, lowers his head, and slowly, achingly slowly, lowers his lips to mine. Now that I know the fire that his lips cause when they meet mine, it’s harder to wait.

It’s much quieter than our other kisses, just a light whisper of soft lips over mine in the moonlight. He pulls away long before I’m ready to. He runs his hands over my arms to warm me in the night air, and I wish I could stay here forever. It’s like a fairy tale, and I don’t belong here.

I look up into his eyes, which are dark blue, reflecting the night around us, and I know. Knight could hurt me. The thought settles like a rock in my stomach.

He grins and releases me, and walks to the next hole. I can’t believe that’s all he wants from me. Guys always want more. He sits on another bench and waits for me to take my shot. We’re only a few holes from the castle.

“Knight, what do you want from me?”

His smile disappears and he turns to me, confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean what do you want from me? We’re hanging out, you kiss me, we work together. What is this?”

He rests his club on his lap and lays his hands over it. “I don’t know. But you know, I’m the one who gets a question. Not only did I get a hole in one, but I win the stroke count too.”

I start to protest, but he puts up a large hand to stop me. “Nope, you didn’t specify I couldn’t have both rewards.”

“Fine.” I fold my arms.

“What happened to make you hate sex?”

“I don’t hate sex.” That was easy.

“Then why no sex?”

“That’s two questions.”

He stands, puts down his ball at the next hole, and smoothly glides the ball into another hole in one. He turns to me with a smirk. “I’ll trade my kiss for two questions.”

This boy is so dangerous. “Fine.”

He stands in front of me, blocking out the moonlight. “Why no sex?”

“Why do you care?”

“When you stroke better, you get to ask the questions.”

I blush at the double entendre. “Fine. Because I made a promise.”

He frowns down at me. “A promise?”

“Is that your second question?”

“No.” He rests his hands on his club and thinks for a moment. “Here’s my question. What else can’t you do?”

“I can’t fall in love.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“That’s a third question.”

“Do I need to get another hole in one?”

So unfair. “No. I won’t and I can’t. Fall in love.”

He sits next to me. “Not a very fun life, then. Awfully strict limitations for someone so young. Can you really live like that?”

I’m starting to wonder the same. At the same time I don’t know how to escape the walls I put around myself. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” he says.

“What do you want from me, Knight?”

He sits forward, tenting his fingers and moving them forward and back. “Honestly? I don’t know, Rain. I haven’t wanted anything from anyone in a long time. I don’t know what it is. Ever since I saw you at the bonfire. I just want to be with you. Something about you…It’s been a while since I could trust someone. Somehow, I think I can trust you.”

“Trust me?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. That sounds stupid. I’m not good with words. I just feel connected to you. Besides, I have fun with you. Isn’t that enough?”

I nod. It’ll have to be. I can’t give him more than that. I stand, ready to golf again, and groan. “Man, my legs hurt. Can we just call it a night?”

He laughs and joins me. Gives me a quick hug and rubs my back, and releases me. “I’m glad you said so, I didn’t want to be the one to wuss out. My feet hurt like hell.”

“Mine too.” I laugh.

“Occupational hazard.” He swings his club over his shoulder and leads the way back to the entrance. It’s good that I have my feet as an excuse. I feel like I could spend the whole night talking with this interesting person. I guess this is what chemistry feels like. William and I never had that.

The thought triggers a memory.

Wind whips through my hair as we stand at the top of the Sidewinder. It’s sixty feet high, a large, wide slide that makes a steep U-shape. You sit in a tube and ride down the front, through a shallow stream of water in the center meant to slow you, then up the other side, where you hit a shallow guard rail and then come back down.

We’re doing something different today. I’m not comfortable with it, but my supervisor says we all have to get on. We’re doing a chain. William looks at me with happy eyes, a light sky blue in the sunlight. He doesn’t look as nervous as I feel, but I can see minor stress lines around his eyes if I look closely, I think.

“I’m not sure we should do this,” I say.

“Oh come on,” Matt, one of our supervisors, says. “If Kristy and the others could make it on a three tube vertical sandwich, we’ll be fine. Worst that could happen is we split up.”

Most of us nod. Kristy gets in a single tube, gets on the platform, and moves so that the next double tube can be loaded. Cool, unexpected wind whips across my face, and I pull my hair up and tighten my ponytail. William puts his arm around me. “So Rain, you’re single, I’m single. Let’s make a go of this.”