Drowning to Breathe (7 page)

“You know I’d never purposefully put you at risk,” I murmured into the soft skin, and I wrapped her arm around my neck so I could get closer.

All the possible consequences and scenarios I’d allowed my own needs and wants to obscure. But I guess I wasn’t coming close to thinking of it as a
consequence
. But instead something good and pure—a kind of gift I never thought I wanted until all of a sudden
it
was there—something profound inside me aching to be filled with every part of Shea.

“I would have stopped you if I was worried. If I didn’t trust you,” she whispered. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me.”

“You put so much faith in me.”

“Yes,” she said simply.

Affection tightened my chest.

“We’re going to figure this out,” I promised. “We’re going to send Jennings straight to hell and then I’m gonna pack you and Kallie up and take you around the world. We’re going to show Kallie all of it, and you and I are gonna make love in every country we step foot in. And at night? I’m going to be singing about it…about what you do to me and how you make me feel.”

I knew I was dreaming, doing what I could to fill Shea with hope for an escape from this hell.

Eyes shimmering, she choked over the emotion in her throat. Still, she played right along. “It seems like Kallie and I might cramp your style.”

I grinned at her, needing to lift her spirit. Our chins touched as I smiled at my girl. “Got a new style, baby.”

Shea tightened her hold. “Is that so? And what is this world you’re going to be singing about me to going to say?”

“I’m sure they’re going to be saying all kinds of things. But I don’t give a shit, Shea.” My tone grew serious. “Tomorrow they’re gonna know what you and Kallie mean to me. They’re going to know I will be fighting for you both, and I won’t be backing down.”

“I’m so scared, Baz,” Shea quietly admitted as her mouth quivered with another round of sorrow.

“I know, baby. I’m scared, too.”

Yeah, I wanted to fill Shea with hope. But I figured honesty mattered, too.

“I can’t believe he has her.” She said it so softly, I barely heard her. Misery seemed to steal her breath. “What kind of a monster would come in and rip a little girl from her home? I think somewhere inside me, I had hoped he had changed.”

All the questions I wanted to ask Shea about how she was tied to Martin Jennings bubbled to the surface, forced up by the seething anger burning in my veins at the thought of the two of them together.

I started slow, a little bit of awe weaving into my words. “You’re Delaney Rhoads.”

“No.” The word flew free with vehemence. “Martin Jennings made Delaney Rhoads. I never wanted to be her, Sebastian. Yes, I love to sing…love to play…but never at the cost of being
her
. I’ve spent so much time pretending she didn’t exist. Please believe me. I never meant it to hurt you. But I’ve never told
anyone
about it. Charlie and April are the only ones who know because they helped me through that time. All of us have pretended she didn’t exist…that Martin didn’t exist…since the moment I returned to Savannah.”

Shea hesitated, then continued, “You can imagine now why finding out who you were affected me so much. I’d had that lifestyle and I wanted as far away from it as possible. But in the end, what I really wanted was you.”

She gave me a wobbly smile. “Wanted you to love me and hold me, and all of a sudden none of that other stuff mattered. All that mattered was you. I was ready to let you in, the first person I’d
ever
told the truth to. The first person I
trusted
. I wanted you to know it…to share it with me…to understand, because I was pretty sure there was no other person in the world who would understand it better than you.”

Her face pinched. “But you ran…and…and you broke me. I’ve never hurt more than that night until…”

She trailed off. It was as if I could hear what she thought. Her daughter’s sweet voice echoing through my mind, mixing with the brutal agony of her cries as she’d begged for her mommy when Martin ripped her away so violently.

Begging for someone to save her when we’d been completely helpless. Hands tied. Knowing using them would only make it worse.

“Until tonight,” I finished for her.

“Until tonight,” she agreed. “I knew before we went public, you had to know, and I was ready. Tonight…what we shared…”

Meeting my eye, she reached out and brushed trembling fingertips down my jaw. My eyes dropped closed as I let myself lean into the promise of her touch.

Her voice was a soft rasp. “I knew you would forgive me for keeping this from you. I knew you would accept me because I knew you’d always seen me the same way I see you. We see
this
.”

Pulling back, she placed her hand over her heart, like she was begging me to understand our hearts were the only things that mattered.

I hooked a finger under her chin, lifting her face to me. The words grated from my throat. “How’s it possible to love someone so fucking much and not know the first thing about their past?”

No doubt it sounded like a concession.

Like surrender.

Because neither of us were immune to
this
, this strange connection that billowed between us. What tied us together when neither of us knew the paths that had brought us to this place.

This place where it was
us
.

“Remember when I told you I didn’t even know you but you felt like one of the most significant people to have ever come into my life?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Maybe there was a reason neither of us could let this go.”

I moved to hold that sweet face between my hands. “I’d do anything for you, Shea. Give up anything…” My hold tightened in emphasis. “Give up
everything
if it means we get that little girl back.”

I finally let myself ask one question that’d been nagging me. “Why’d you quit?”

Shea paled, and she spoke softly. Sadly. “My entire childhood was spent priming me for one singular goal. I spent my days in endless lessons and chasing countless auditions. My momma was going to make me a
star
.”

Sarcasm dripped from the word.

“That’s the only thing she wanted. The only thing she could see. It got to the point where I knew she didn’t care how she made that happen, just as long as it did. All those years, my mother had worked her magic with manipulative words, getting me in front of anyone in the industry who would give me the time of day.”

She winced. “When Martin came into our lives, she allowed him to take over everything. Including me. He…he…”

If it were possible, her voice got rougher, dipped into fear. “He controlled everything.”

She wavered. Like she needed to decide how much she should say. How much I could tolerate.

“Let’s just say Kallie didn’t fit into that picture. So I ran.”

Guess the girl knew I couldn’t tolerate much. Just that bit of history hit me with yet another urge to jump from this bed and hunt the fucker down. That urge was almost irresistible.

She shook her head like she was shaking off the memories then tipped her chin back up to focus on me. “How did you get messed up with him?”

I almost laughed. It was definitely a
mess
.

I played with a few strands of her hair. “I knew the second I met Martin Jennings he was nothin’ but a snake, but at the time, none of us cared. The only thing that mattered to the guys and me was
Sunder
making it big. We didn’t give a shit about how we made that happen. Anthony had hooked us up, asked him to come check us out at a bar we were playing at. Jennings made us big promises we were quick to jump on. It became clear real fast the guy had his fingers dipped in all kinds of illegal shit—”

With that tidbit of information, her bottom lip trembled. More fucking worry added to this unbearable torment. With my thumb, I smoothed it out, hating dragging all this out into the open. Ripping Shea’s wounds open wider. But we didn’t have a whole lot of options.

Not if we were going to start being honest with each other.

No more secrets and lies.

“But it wasn’t so far off base from what my crew had going down, so I didn’t exactly think we had any right to judge. Even though I’d gotten clean, it didn’t mean the rest of the guys had. You know what I mean?”

Shea nodded like it hurt.

“It all came to a head a few months ago when Austin overdosed. There was no question in my mind Jennings somehow had a hand in it. I saw him coming out of our tour bus that night. But Austin wouldn’t fess up, so I’d gone to Jennings’s place and confronted him. While he never admitted involvement, he basically told me my brother was nothing but a punk and the world would be a better place without him in it. I lost it, Shea. Fucking lost it and now he looks like the good guy who was attacked by some deranged delinquent out for blood.”

I pressed on with my explanation, doing all I could not to spit the words. “We were supposed to come to some kind of bullshit terms. My attorneys thought I could pay off the asshole, he would dismiss the charges, and I’d get a lesser sentence…fines and community service or some shit like that. But the bastard hates me as much as I hate him. Things escalated at the mediation we had last week and there was no keeping my hands off him. He warned me I’d regret fucking with him.”

At the time, I’d wanted to laugh in his face and just beg him to bring it on, that any consequence I had to pay would be well worth it.

Now I knew that debt was too steep.

Not if Kallie was the cost.

Guess I’d thought I couldn’t hate him more until I saw that pompous ass driving off with her. Stealing that baby girl from her mother.

From her home.

From me.

“He was after revenge tonight,” I confessed. The words were so choppy they vibrated in my chest.

“On both of us,” Shea said.

“That douchebag is nothing but a narcissist. Can’t believe he’d use a little girl as retaliation. Fuck him,” I gritted out, my rage threatening to boil.

Shea blinked slowly, like she didn’t want to hear her own words. “He’s a sociopath.” Her voice grew desperately quiet. “A psychopath.”

I pushed up onto my elbow so I could see her better, and Shea rolled onto her back. Her face pinched up in pain as if fighting whatever she was feeling inside.

“Tell me.” I couldn’t stop the same earlier demand from leaving my mouth.

“I’m not ready.”

This was what was haunting me most. What was written all over Shea. Her outright fear of the man I hated most and the possibilities of what had put it there.

“Know you told me you weren’t ready to give me details, but, baby…just…just tell me one thing. Did he hurt you?”

Everything shook—my spirit and my body and my words.

She squeezed her eyes closed. A thousand shadows played across her features. A horror of memories. A nightmare that had been her past.

I saw all of it there, marring that gorgeous face.

The rage I’d been fighting took hold.

My hands curled into fists as I watched tears seep free at the corners of her eyes. They raced into her hair.

Shea nodded tight, as if it could block what should never have to be remembered.

Or maybe she was just passing them on to me. Because my mind seethed with them. With the idea of Jennings hurting my girl.

I’d seen it.

Witnessed it.

The malice in his eyes.

The greed fed by something vile.

An unknown fury slammed me.

I’d kill him. If he hurt either one of them again, I’d kill him. This time there’d be no one there to stop me.

Slowly, Shea opened to me, staring up at me while I stared down at her. I felt as if I were coming unhinged, coming apart, torn between bolting from this bed and tracking Jennings down and forcing myself to stay here with her wrapped in my arms.

I knew if I succumbed to the first, it would be the end of me and Shea. I’d lose her forever because there wasn’t enough money in the world to keep them from locking me up and throwing away the goddamned key.

Every part of me rejected that idea while all of those same pieces knew any sacrifice would be worth keeping them safe.

Shea fluttered her fingertips over the scar cut deep into my ribs.

Another battle I’d fought for my family.

A lash I’d been happy to take.

In her touch, I felt as if she were tying herself to me. Telling me to stay. The girl saw right through me to that place where the truth of who I really was reigned. She knew what I’d be willing to do.

What I was capable of.

She was keeping something from me not because she wanted to hide it. But because she wanted to protect me.

Observant eyes searched mine with both hope and dread, as they trailed down to where the memory of Julian had been permanently etched onto my side.

“We’re so much alike, Sebastian. You just wear all your scars here. On the outside.”

I shivered, so fucking transparent beneath the weight of her gaze.

She tugged at my hand and placed my palm flat over the quickened beat of her heart. “While I keep all of mine here.”

My spirit thrashed, and I sank down lower, whispering a hair’s breadth from that soft, soft mouth. “One day, I need you to show me. All of it.”

“I know,” she breathed.

Slowly, she rolled to her side, and I curled around her back. Shea nestled her head into the crook of my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around her. Covering her. Protecting her.

“Hold onto me,” I demanded.

“Don’t let me go.”

“Never.”

Silence enveloped us, the darkness alive with our turmoil.

There’d be no sleep tonight.

When Shea began to quietly sing, I clutched her to me.

I strained to make out the words that passed languidly between her lips, a tickle to my ears, something like heaven and honey and all things sweet.

So, so sweet.

My heart clenched as I swam in the power of the words.

She was singing
Lullaby
by The Dixie Chicks.

I only knew it because my mom had loved the record it was on. She had listened to it constantly before everything had gone to shit—before my family had lost it all.