Drowning to Breathe (5 page)

Feeling like I might crawl out of my skin, I turned my back on the disappointment rolling off the three of them, because they
didn’t know
, didn’t know how fucking bad this hurt or the lengths I’d go in order to protect Shea and Kallie.

I escaped out the glass-paned doors leading onto the deck.

Outside, the night was thick. Humidity clung to the sky in the wake of the storm that rolled away like the receding tide. It’d left the slightest chill. A dampness that sunk down to my bones.

My boots thudded on the wooden planks as I marched down toward the sea.

Drawn.

Lights glowed from the windows of the house behind me. Two stories were lit up like a torch, casting the beach in darkness.

I inched down the smooth sand where the tide had been pulled out to sea. I wanted to shout and rant and rave about how fucking unfair this world was.

Always stealing the
good
.

Blotting out the beauty and light when the vile was allowed to run rampant.

I stretched my arms out to my sides and let
his
presence crawl over me.

Julian.

He was always there, waiting for me.

I closed my eyes and let the unending regret consume me.

I froze when I sensed the presence behind me, and I slowly turned to find the lone figure hugging his knees to his chest. He was hunched over, obscured from the stretch of lights from the house where he sat at the base of a dune.

Lost to the dark.

“Austin,” I whispered. The sound was eaten up by the wind. I edged toward him, somehow cautious, hating the fact I’d had little time to take care of my baby brother over the last couple of days.

In the texts I shared with Lyrik after what had gone down with the paparazzi and those fucking repulsive pictures, he promised everything was cool. Said they had Austin covered.

Yeah, the guys were family.

But I wasn’t sure that could make up for my absence.

Only I could understand what kind of brutal blow the incident here on the beach with Kallie had been to Austin.

The memories it’d evoked.

He was back to covering his head with that goddamned hoodie.

Fuck, I hated it. Hated that he continued to hide from the past just the same as he allowed it to eat him alive.

I had the urge to shake him.

To tell him again
it was not your fault
.

I didn’t. Instead, I slumped down beside him. I pushed out a breath and scrubbed a hand down my face.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, digging his fingers into the sand where they dangled between his knees.

I gazed out over the sea. “You know when you think things are finally coming together…that you know you’ve finally touched on something good? Hurts that much worse when it’s ripped from your fingers.”

Eyes peered intently at me from the side.

“Knew I was going to bring her down, Austin. The first night I saw her?”

My heart sped with the memory—the energy that’d surrounded her—the need to get lost in all her sweet and soft enough to make me lose my mind.

He just watched, waiting for me to explain.

“Thought she had to be the most gorgeous girl I’d ever seen. There was something about her I couldn’t shake…not a damn thing I could do to stay away from her, even though I knew when I went back to that bar I was gonna end up hurting her.”

Confusion wound through his tone. “Thought you two had it all worked out? That’s why we came back here, right?”

I raked the back of my hand over my mouth, unable to contain the bitterness breaking free. “I’ve been fooling myself it ever could. Since we came back from L.A., I thought if I let all those walls down…let her in…everything would be okay. That somehow we could make it when my life was nothin’ but a disaster. But these last two days? It was like they were a warning I couldn’t keep up the charade and everything was going to fall apart. That I was still
pretending
.”

I blew a strained breath toward the sky, before I cut my attention to my baby brother. “She lied to me, Austin. Kallie’s father isn’t dead. Martin Jennings is her father.”

Quickly, I filled him in on the events of the night, every wicked word bleeding from my mouth.

With each one, Austin’s distress seemed to increase. He jumped to his feet and gripped his shaggy brown hair. “What? Shea is Delaney Rhoads?”

I was surprised he even knew the name, considering he would have only been thirteen when Kallie was born.

He paced the sand, back and forth in front of me, like a partner to the wind. More upset than I ever expected him to be.

He turned his grey stare back to me, his face twisted up in confusion. More disappointment. “So you just walked away? Left her there to deal with all this shit on her own?”

“The shit
I
caused, Austin. She wouldn’t be dealing with this right now if it wasn’t for me.”

“The shit you caused?” Incredulously, he snorted. “Everything you do is to get someone else out of trouble. If this is anyone’s fault, it’s mine.”

“Not your fault,” I grated.

I’d told him what felt like a million times.

When was he ever going to start believing it?

“You know what, Baz? You act like you’re the only person around here strong enough to shoulder any blame. You go around protecting and protecting and protecting until it’s
suffocating
. You won’t even let me take responsibility for what
I did
.” Twice, he struck his fist against his chest to punctuate it.

I winced with the bite of his words.

Then he softened, remorse seeming to seep through. “And you know how much it means to me. All you’ve done. What you’ve given up. You became my entire world. My mom, my dad, my brother, and my
best friend
. You made sure I ate when Mom couldn’t get out of bed, put yourself in Dad’s line of fire to protect me. Fucking hauled me around, this little kid thinking he was on top of the world because his big brother allowed him to tag along.”

“That was the worst mistake I ever made.” My rough voice clashed with the air. “Dragging you into all that.”

“Really? Where do you think I’d be right now if you hadn’t gotten me out of that house? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t still be breathing.”

Pain clenched my heart. “I did it all wrong.”

“You were a kid, too. You think I don’t know you were doing the best you could?”

Disgusted, he shook his head. “We’ve had a whole lot of bad in our lives.”

His words echoed like my own.
Have so much shit, Shea.

“And now you finally have something
good.
I don’t care who she is or what lies she told you, it doesn’t mean what brought you back here in the first place counts any less. She
needs
you. Fuck…she
needs
you, Baz.”

Hurt wound through me. Gutting. I ground my teeth.

He tilted his head, looking at me. Discerning eyes speared me in the shadows, the kid far more mature than I’d ever given him credit for.

Always watching.

“The way Shea looks at you? One day…one day I want someone to look at me like that. And guess what, you look at her the exact same way. And you’re really going to let
that
go because of an asshole like Jennings? You’ve fought for everyone your entire life, and now you’re going to step down—bow out—when you finally have something worth fighting for? Fight for
her
.”

“Austin.” I wanted to beg him to stop.

He just continued right on. “My entire life, I’ve looked up to you. Thought you
knew
everything. Even when
I
gave up, I somehow knew you were going to be there to save me. But if you think giving up on that girl is what’s right, then you’re a fool.”

He gazed back out over the sea, gentle waves lapping at the shore. The haze of clouds had begun to dissipate. A scatter of stars bled through.

He turned his face to the sky, before he glanced at me from over his shoulder. “I saw something better in you.”

Then he turned and left me there.

I dropped my face into my hands, rubbing my palms up over my head, too many voices clattering inside.

I saw something better in you.

I saw something better in you.

I saw…you…

I see you.

I see you.

I see you.

Shea had seen more in me than I could ever have imagined. Something better than I ever hoped I could be.

And it rushed me.

That sweet, soft girl.

Because the truth was?

I saw her, too.

MY HEART SLAMMED AROUND
in my chest and my sight narrowed on one singular goal.

Her.

It felt like a lifetime to get to her house, and there was nothing stopping me now. Unlocking her front door, I charged up the stairs. I didn’t pause at her bedroom door. I threw it open. I needed to get to her.

With her back to me, Shea was curled around a pillow on the center of her bed. She startled with the sudden intrusion and jerked up to sitting. Caramel eyes blinked at me through the dim light, confusion and hurt and sorrow.

Motionless, I stood in the doorway as the silence hovered over all our uncertainties.

On all the questions.

But Shea was right.

None of that mattered.

And
this
was enough.

“Shea.” My voice broke on her name.

I took a step inside and latched the door shut behind me.

Shea’s chin quivered, and she lifted it because I knew this girl wanted to be brave. I knew she was playing through a million scenarios. Mentally going through all the ways I was going to let her go. How I was going to let her down. I knew the words she expected to spill from my mouth because for too long I’d been a coward and a fool, thinking sacrifice was the only way to make this right.

Because every time I turned around, I lost someone I loved.

Not this time.

I swallowed hard. “You want to know what I see when I look at you?”

When the intensity in my voice hit her, Shea choked out a tiny sob.

I took one step closer as I began to speak. “I see someone who’s so fucking sweet and kind that every time I look at her it just about knocks me from my feet, because I’ve had so much bad in my life I don’t know how to stand in her presence. I see someone who I know I don’t deserve, so every time I turn around, I’m runnin’ scared because I’m terrified of ruining everything she is.”

Slowly, I approached her, and she watched me in the shadows. Her hands trembled in her lap as I neared.

“I see someone who deserves the greatest kind of joy.”

Another step closer, and Shea crept toward the side of the bed. She drew a single leg up to her chest. Clinging to it as if it could protect her from any more pain. Everything she felt and wanted and feared was exposed in the expression on her face.

I stopped at the edge of the bed and dropped to my knees.

A small cry escaped her mouth.

Reaching out, I gripped her face in my hands, my fingers burrowing in soft, soft hair.

“I see someone, who even though there’s not a chance in this world I could ever be good enough to have her…good enough to hold her…that’s all I want to do. I see someone I want to protect and love and fight for.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks. She edged even closer and let her legs slip over the side.

I settled myself between her knees and met the storm in her eyes.

“I see beauty and light.”

Those eyes flashed, and emotion crushed my ribs. This girl had me twisted up in every way possible.

Shea gasped when I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to me. I shifted so I sat on the floor with my back propped against the bed.

Shea was straddling my lap.

Warmth enveloped me. Her heart was pounding, all tucked up against me, right where she belonged.

Her skin felt so soft. Mine lit on fire.

She searched my face and I kept on.

“I see the most fucking gorgeous girl I’ve ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes on.” My voice dropped as I leaned up so I could brush my mouth across her ear. “The pleasure to
touch
.”

A shiver rolled through her, and I gathered one of her hands between us, threading our fingers. I studied them as I struggled to form the words.

I lifted my gaze and spoke with the most honesty I’d ever allowed myself.

“When I look at you, I see a future I never thought existed, Shea.”

Everything went serious. My mind and my heart and my words. “I see my
wife
. I see the mother of my kids. I see all the shit I never wanted until I met you. I see everything I thought impossible.”

The corner of that perfect mouth trembled, and she watched me with hope. Hope that up until this moment, I’d continually tried to crush.

But this girl just kept bringing it back to life.

Refusing to let it go.

Her fingers were still woven with mine, and I brought the back of her hand to my mouth, as if I could seal my declaration with a kiss.

A promise.

She put her weight on her knees on either side of me. She rose up.

Hovering.

Her hands found their way into my hair. Gently she sifted her fingers through it.