Drunk With Blood (27 page)

2 Kings 23.20

Estimated Number Killed:100

Priests of the high places

Josiah was the king of religious intolerance. He “put down” the priests that burned incense to the sun, moon, planets, and stars.

He put down the idolatrous priests ... that burned incense unto Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven. 2 Kings 23.5

He burned the Asherah pole (the “grove” in the KJV) and spread the ashes on the graves of the children.

And he brought out the grove …and burned it … and stamped it small to powder, and cast the powder thereof upon the graves of the children of the people. 23.6

He destroyed the houses of the temple homosexuals.

He brake down the houses of the sodomites, that were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove. 23.7

And he executed the priests and burned human bones upon their altars.

He slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them 23.20

This was all in accordance with the prophecy of “the man of God from Judah.”

There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD ... and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar thus saith the LORD; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee. 1 Kings 13.1-2

(The Bible doesn’t say how many priests were killed by Josiah. I’ll guess 100.)

1 Chronicles 5.20-22

Estimated Number Killed: 50,000

Hagarites

First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you’re probably the first person who ever has.

But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there’s another one of God’s killings, one that I’d missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the “These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz…”

So anyway, here’s the story. I’m sorry it’s so boring.

It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.

The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18

All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.

They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19

While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.

And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20

And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is “of God,” killing people is a piece of cake.

For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22

All that was left was to collect the booty.

They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21

Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.

But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It’s a shame that God doesn’t tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I’d think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.

2 Chronicles 13.15-17

Number Killed: 500,000

Israelite soldiers

Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I’m not sure what the point was in this case, but that’s beside the point, whatever it might have been.

Here’s what happened.

There was a war between King Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 “chosen men” and Jeroboam had 800,000 “mighty men of valor.”

Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13.3

Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)

Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?

…

And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 13.4-12

When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam’s mighty men attacked from behind.

But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 13.13

But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.

When Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 13.14-15a

And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.

As the men of Judah shouted … God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 13.15b-17

But it was all for a good cause. I’m just not sure what the cause was.

2 Chronicles 13.20

Number Killed: 1

Jeroboam

After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers (
118
), he killed their leader, King Jeroboam.

Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20

You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.

Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD .... thou hast ... done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9

(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)

God had already killed Jeroboam’s son (
88
), and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family (
89
).

I’m not sure why. I guess it’s all a part of God’s family values.

This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I’ve decided to order God’s killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It’s hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.

2 Chronicles 14.12-13

Number Killed: 1,000,000

Ethiopians

In the killing before last (
118
), God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter of 2 Chronicles, God killed a million Ethiopians.

God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord by destroying the temples of other gods and forbidding their worship.

Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14.2-3

And he drove homosexuals out of the land.

And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15.12

So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah while Asa was king, you know which side God was on.

There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14.9

All Asa had to do was ask.

Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 14.11

And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.

So the LORD smote the Ethiopians ... they were destroyed before the LORD. 14.12-13

It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible. [And according to McEvedy and Jones (p.230), it would have killed five times the entire Ethiopian population at the time.]