Effortless (43 page)

I sighed and looked down. “I know…I’m just saying that there’s
more to Kellan’s story than you know.”

“Like what?” he whispered.

I looked up at him but shook my head. “It’s not for me to say,
I’m sorry.”

Denny nodded, his eyes looking a little sad as he realized just
how close Kellan and I really were. “Well then, maybe I’m wrong.”
Exhaling, he shook his head. “But if you think he’s cheating on
you, Kiera…then he probably is.”

I felt another tear drop down my cheek and Denny brushed it off.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. I nodded and he added, “Did you tell
Kellan about me being back in town?”

Sighing, I shook my head and stared over at the card table. A
vase full of bright red roses dressed up the space, the week-old
bouquet still in its full glory. Kellan’s anniversary present to
me. He’d had them delivered to Pete’s, but I hadn’t been feeling
well and had gone home early. I hadn’t gotten them until the
following night. We’d missed each other on the celebration of our
year together, and it felt horribly symbolic.

Denny leaned over to meet my eye. “Why didn’t you tell him? And
don’t tell me that it was because you were sparing his feelings.
That may be part of it, but what’s the real reason you didn’t tell
him?”

I stared at Denny, wishing I could just walk away from this
painful conversation. Knowing I couldn’t, I shrugged and whispered,
“He’s hiding something from me, and if he was going to hide
something from me…then I wanted to hide something from him.”

A sob escaped me as I admitted that, and Denny wrapped his arms
around me, finally. I held him close as my tears of fear and
frustration took me over. Hating myself, for feeling what I felt,
for admitting it to Denny, I took a brief moment to completely fall
apart. Denny only held me, not commenting as he rubbed my back. I
could only imagine that he was thanking fate that his new
relationship wasn’t so complicated.

When I could breathe again, Denny released me and freshened up
our tea. Moving to sit on the couch, I told him everything I
worried about—the fans, the exotic record rep that could probably
pose for all of the major fashion magazines, the weird texts and
phone calls that Kellan hid from me, the fact that Kellan knew I
was holding something back…and he let it go, because he didn’t want
to talk about what he was holding back.

Denny listened, not really commenting on Kellan’s behavior. He
also didn’t try to dissuade my fears by giving me false hope. Once
he heard all of the facts, he never once told me it was nothing, or
it would be okay, or I was overreacting. He only listened and
nodded, and I suddenly realized why people gave each other
unfounded reassurance. Not hearing, “It’s probably nothing,” from
the person you were divulging your fears to, made those fears seem
completely warranted, even if you didn’t have enough proof to back
them up.

When I was done, and I had nothing more to say, Denny picked at
a seam in the couch, maybe wondering what to say as well. I watched
him, feeling empty and tired inside. Then he spotted something and
leaned into the ugly, orange sofa. Using both hands, he pried
something out of a hole in the fabric, a hole I barely registered
anymore.

When he pulled out a piece of paper, my heart stubbornly skipped
a beat. It was one last love note from Kellan, a remnant of the
game he’d left for me when he first went away, what felt like a
lifetime ago now.

Denny opened it while my eyes watered. He read over it for a
moment before he handed it to me. In a soft voice, he said, “I
think this was meant for you.”

Hands shaking, I reached out for the paper. Blinking away the
water forming in my eyes so I could read it, I held my breath.

I hid this one in the hopes that you would find it long
after I’m gone. I hope you find this months from now, when I’m
still out there, on the road, away from you. I can’t imagine what
the time apart has done to us. I’m hoping we’re closer. I’m hoping
we’re more in love than ever. I’m hoping that when I come back,
you’ll move in with me. In all honesty, I’m hoping that when I come
back you’ll agree to marry me someday. Because that’s what I want,
what I dream about. You, mine, for the rest of my life. I hope you
feel the same…because I don’t know what I would do without you. I
love you so much. But, if for some reason we’re not closer, if
something has gotten between us, please, I’m begging you…don’t give
up on me. Stay. Stay with me. Work it out with me. Just don’t leave
me…please.

I love you, always, Kellan

After Denny left, I went to bed with that note clutched in my
fingers. I knew Kellan had written it back in the fall, before
things had shifted between us, but it did comfort me. He’d known,
even back then, that something might possibly distance us while he
was on the road. He’d known, and begged me in advance not to leave
him. And I didn’t want to. I wanted him. I wanted the life he’d
mapped out on paper. I just wanted to trust him too.

My phone rang by my bed early the next morning. Still clutching
the letter in my slow-to-respond-fingers, I fumbled with the noisy
contraption, managing to hit the answer button just before it
switched to voicemail.

A warm voice filled my ear. “Happy Anniversary.”

I smiled and rolled onto my back, imagining the dark blue eyes
that accompanied the voice.  “You don’t have to keep telling
me that every time you call, Kellan.”

He sighed, the soft sound almost overshadowed by the squeak of a
mattress compressing. “I know, but I still feel really bad that I
missed it, that I couldn’t fly out to you. A year together is a big
deal, and I really wanted to see you…but stuff kept coming up…”

I bit my lip. He’d said before that it was things for the new
record that had come up. Just when he’d thought he’d get away, the
record label would come at him with a new form he had to sign or
some amendment to the contract. They also wanted to formally
approve every song before they’d consent to having it recorded.
Kellan wasn’t thrilled with the fact that a corporation had final
say over his music, but making an album was expensive, and the
studio had to make sure they were getting the best bang for their
buck. Fiscally it made sense, but it also made the process of
getting ready to record that much more complicated. Especially
since they wanted all of the songs signed off on before the group
came out to L.A. in May. That didn’t give Kellan and the guys a
whole lot of time.

I understood all of that…but I’d really wanted to spend my
anniversary with my boyfriend, not a bottle of Nyquil. “You had
good reason, Kellan, I understand. Besides, I was pretty sick
anyway, and you did send me flowers.”

I smiled, thinking of them in the other room, but Kellan sighed
again. “Yeah, flowers you didn’t get on time. I’m really sorry
about that. I was sure I’d find you at Pete’s on a Saturday
night.”

Now I sighed. “It’s okay, Kellan, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is to me, Kiera. I’m really sorry it’s turned out this way.
I’ll make it up to you…someday…I promise.”

Shifting to my side, I laid my head on my arm. A moment of
silence passed between Kellan and I. A moment that began to fill
with tension, as I thought of all the blocks there were between us,
physical ones and emotional ones. Squeezing my hand holding the
paper, I whispered, “I found your letter last night, the one in the
couch.”

Silence, then a mattress squeaking as he adjusted his position
as well. “Oh…and?”

I heard the uncertainty in his voice, like he thought maybe he’d
gone too far, openly admitting that he wanted to marry me. Maybe he
thought I didn’t want that for us. Maybe he thought I was still
hoping to marry Denny one day, since that had been our unofficial
plan. “You really see that future for us?”

“Yeah, I do, Kiera…all the time. Do…do you?”

“Yeah.” Remembering the fears I’d confessed to Denny last night,
fears that Denny had solidified in me by his silence, a thought
began to override my answer. With my head screaming at me,
if
you think he’s cheating on you, Kiera, then he probably is,
I
quickly added, “Maybe…someday.”

As Kellan absorbed my seemingly lukewarm answer, the awkward
silence on the line grew even bigger. Hating the tension that was
forming in my stomach, I whispered, “I miss you.”

His response came in a rush. “I miss you too. I know we saw each
other a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn’t enough, not nearly
enough… I really miss you.”

Hearing the melancholy in his voice, I scrunched my brows and
bit my lip. “Kellan? You…okay?”

My heart started beating faster as I waited for his answer. Even
though he only paused for a few seconds, it seemed like an
eternity. “Yeah…just exhausted. I never realized how…taxing this
would be. Always on the road, always away from home, always having
to deal with…people. I know it’s early for you and you probably
want to go back to sleep, but could you stay on the line for a bit?
I’m feeling… I just want to listen to you breathe for a while.”

Sympathy for him rushing through me, I wished I could put my
arms around him, squeeze him tight…kiss him. “I don’t have anywhere
to be but right here with you, Kellan.”

I heard rustling sounds as he exhaled contently. “Good, I love
you, Kiera. It seems like forever since I’ve held you, since I’ve
made love to you.”

I flushed a little, then remembered it had been a
while…Christmas Eve to be exact. “It
has
been forever,
Kellan.” Hoping and praying that my last time had also been
Kellan’s last time, I swallowed. In the silence I heard another
squeak of a mattress. “Where are you?” I asked, ice prickling my
skin that maybe he was calling from a hotel room…and not his.

He let out a sensual noise of contentment. “On the bus, in the
back bedroom. All the guys are gone, so I snagged Griffin’s bed.”
He laughed a little. “I just couldn’t spend another moment in that
tiny bunk.”

Picturing him somewhere that Griffin did…Griffin-type things in,
I grimaced. Then, picturing him sleepily sprawled out on a bed, I
smiled. A rush of desire tingled me and I whispered, “So…you’re
alone? Completely alone?”

“Yeah…why?”

Dropping his letter to my bed, I covered my eyes with my hands.
God, I could not ask him to be intimate with me over the phone, I
just couldn’t. But, we were getting farther and farther apart…I
felt it. And maybe a moment of reconnection was exactly what we
needed right now.

Flaming hot to the touch in my embarrassment, I squeaked out, “I
want to… Will you…?”

As my throat dried up and speech became impossible, Kellan
quietly asked, “What, Kiera?”

Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I shifted onto my back and
pretended that I was Anna. She’d have no problems asking Griffin to
have sex over the phone. Oh, God, I really wished I hadn’t just had
that thought. Sighing at myself, I forced the words to come out. “I
feel like we’re drifting, Kellan, and I just want to feel closer to
you. I—”

Kellan cut me off. “I’m sorry, Kiera. I feel like that’s my
fault. I just…I…I should… We should talk about… God, this is
hard…”

My eyes watering, I shook my head. No, I didn’t want him to
break my heart right now. I wanted him to make me feel better. I
wanted him to make me feel like we were completely in sync,
completely in love, and completely devoted to each other. I wanted
to feel worshipped again, even if it was just for this one
moment.

“No, don’t, Kellan. I don’t want to talk right now. I just want
you to make me feel good…”

His end went silent, then, “Kiera, are you asking me to… do you
want me to make love to you?”

I groaned a little as his words went straight through my body. I
knew that I was using sex as a diversion, like he sometimes did. I
knew that I was sidestepping our issues, and I also knew if I
pushed right now, really pushed, I could probably get him to be
honest with me. But…I wasn’t ready to hear his sins. And it had
been so long and I missed him…so much. If we could just
pretend…

“Yes,” I whispered, my voice husky. “Make me feel it,
Kellan…make me feel like your wife…”

“Oh, God, Kiera…I want you so much…”

I ran my hand over my body, over the places he liked to touch.
My breath quicker, I whispered, “I don’t know what to do,
Kellan.”

He groaned in my ear, the sound sending a jolting ache right
through me. Keeping my eyes tightly closed, I found that I could
easily imagine that my hand was his. Especially with his voice in
my ear, guiding me. “Take your shirt off, baby. I need to run my
tongue over those beautiful breasts…”

It was a half an hour later before he finally let me have the
explosion my body had been craving. He’d kept me on the edge,
tantalizing me by telling me exactly where to go, what to touch.
And he always said
he
was doing it, so I didn’t feel
stupid or self conscious. Although, I stopped caring about that
about five minutes into it. Really, I stopped caring about that
when he started touching himself. And his voice when he came… God,
it was still ringing in my ears.

Panting into the phone, it took me a minute to register that he
was talking to me. “Hey, you still there?”

He chuckled a little bit and I felt that embarrassment start to
slide back in. I pushed it away though. “Yeah, sorry.” I laughed a
little too. “I got a little distracted there.”

He purred in my ear—a delicious sound. “Yes, I know. God that
was incredible, Kiera…you were incredible.”

Not feeling like I’d really done anything special, I murmured,
“Are you sure that was okay? That was definitely a first for
me…”

He sighed and laughed. “Uh, considering I haven’t come that hard
on my own in a long time…yeah, that was perfect. And…a first for
me, too.”

That startled me so much, I sat up in bed. “You’ve never had
phone sex before?”

I flushed at asking him that so bluntly, but he only chuckled at
my response. “No…why do you sound so surprised?”

I sucked on my lip, remembering the heated words he’d used to
stoke my body, remembering him urging me to do whatever felt good.
At the time, it had all seemed so natural coming out of his mouth
that I’d have believed he got paid professionally to do it. He
probably could. I guess being an overly sexual person did have its
bright spots.

“Because you were amazing…”

“Amazing, reall—?” He cut off what he’d been about to say and
instead swore.

I bunched my brows. “Kellan? Everything alright?”

Sounding like he was moving in a hurry, he murmured, “Yeah, it’s
just…the guys came back. I have to go…clean up. Sorry.”

A flood of heat rushed to my cheeks, picturing what he probably
looked like right now. I wrapped the blankets around my bare body,
feeling embarrassed at just the thought of being walked in on in
that position. “Oh, okay, I love you.”

Chuckling, he told me he loved me too, then hung up the phone. I
set it down on my nightstand and stretched out under my covers,
remembering him moaning my name. For the time being, I felt
completely content and relaxed, and I hoped that it would last.

It surprisingly lasted for a while. I felt on cloud nine as I
floated throughout my days. Cheyenne noticed it, asking me if it
had anything to do with the rose that I was twirling in my fingers
during poetry class. I smiled and nodded at the perky woman. I had
no idea how Kellan had managed to pull it off, but every day since
our heated moment on the phone, I’d been approached by complete
strangers and handed a single red rose. Sometimes it happened here
at school, sometimes at work. Once at Starbucks. It was almost like
Kellan wanted to make sure that he didn’t miss me again.

It was only the Wednesday after our phone call, and I already
had a vase of fourteen at home. If he kept up at this pace, I’d
have to buy more vases. And I’d probably have to move out. My
sister was being a bear lately and rolled her eyes at every
romantic gesture Kellan made. She’d even snipped that the flowers
were making the apartment stink. Really? How is that even
possible?

I tried not to gloat about it, since she seemed pretty irritated
at Griffin’s lack of…everything, but I hoped her mood improved
soon. Maybe if it didn’t, I’d go shack up with Denny?

He’d finally found a place to live and it was…impressive. It was
a house in a secluded residential area on Queen Anne hill. The
places up there were pretty nice, and Denny had an amazing view of
the city. My jaw dropped when he’d shown me around.

After class today, I was going to go help him pick out
furniture. He had a pretty good eye when it came to decorating,
since it sort of went hand-in-hand with marketing, and I think he
just invited me along to make sure I was okay.

He hadn’t said anything about my mood improvement since the
night I’d cried in his arms, the night he’d found Kellan’s love
letter, but Denny watched me like a hawk, waiting for me to
breakdown again. I felt bad that I’d caved in front of him,
admitted my fears to him, so I think I overcompensated my
joyfulness around him, probably making it seem disingenuous. As a
result, he called me a lot and invited me out a lot.

I didn’t mind. I enjoyed spending time with Denny…I always
had.

As winter quarter was ending, today was the last day of my
poetry class. I gave Cheyenne a hug and thanked her for helping me
through it. I was sure I’d never have gotten through the flowery
language without her help.

“No problem, Kiera. Maybe for our last quarter, we can still get
together and study over coffee?” 

Knowing my spring quarter was equally just as challenging as
this last one had been, I exhaled with a long sigh. “Yeah,
definitely.” As I waved goodbye to the boisterous blonde, she gave
me a warm smile. It was an overly warm smile and it made me frown.
The smile had seemed…a little too fond.