Exhale (18 page)

Derek’s hand slid across my thigh beneath the table. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“I think Kyle would be happy to know that we were all sitting around laughing at his expense like always,” Derek whispered, a sideways grin hanging loosely on his face.

“Me too,” I agreed, finally peeling my eyes away from the bracelet.

“I was worried, you know, that everyone would look at me today and only see him just like at the service, but this turned out to be pretty nice.” He gave my thigh a squeeze.

“Yeah, it has.”

“Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” Tim said as he stood up and tapped his fork against his glass of ice water. “I don’t know if this is the right time to say this, or even how to begin because…well,” he paused and glanced down at Derek’s mom. “We haven’t had to announce anything like this in quite a while. So, I’m just going to come right out and say it… Darlene and I are going to have another baby. We’re pregnant.”

Congratulations and clapping burst through the room. I sat there frozen, my stomach twisted into knots. Life had truly moved on, the Connor’s new baby was proof of that. Derek’s hand clamped down on my thigh with too much pressure. He had this funny-looking smile on his face, but I could see right through it. This was the last thing he had been expecting to hear, ever. I covered his hand with mine, and forced my lips into a smile they didn’t want to make because it felt wrong to openly be upset about something Derek’s parents were obviously so ecstatic about, as I continued eating.

“I can’t believe they’re having another kid so soon,” Derek said, his hands clasped together in front of him as we sat on the picnic table in my backyard. “It just—I don’t know…” he trailed off.

“Say it…say whatever it is you’re thinking,” I coaxed him, afraid that he would block me out again and that we would never be able to get back to where we were—that good place—just before dinner.

“I know they didn’t plan this…I do, it’s just that Kyle has only been gone for five months. It’s like they’re starting over, like they’re erasing what happened with this new beginning or something,” he muttered.

I could see where he would think that, but I knew that wasn’t his parents’ intentions. It couldn’t be. They would never purposely erase Kyle.

“Maybe it would be better if I just dropped out of school and left. I’ll be turning eighteen in a couple of weeks anyway. That way, I won’t be around to remind them at all of what they’ve lost. They can have the fresh start in peace that they must be craving,” he said, staring through my kitchen window at our mingling family members with their smiling faces.

“No. You need to stay. You know that’s not how they feel,” I insisted.

His gaze shifted to me, his eyes hard and penetrating. “My blood is boiling right now and they’re happy…something is wrong with that. I shouldn’t feel angry right now, I should be happy just like everyone else, but I’m not. I’m not, Katie.” His eyes glazed over and my chest squeezed with emotion.

I swallowed hard before I spoke, my mind racing with things to make this situation better, to comfort him. “It’s okay, everyone deals with things differently.”

His features grew taut, like he was struggling to build the wall he’d been hiding behind for so long now, back up. Desperation flashed in his eyes as they swelled with tears when he was unable to.

“I miss him. I miss him so damn much,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly.

“I know, I do too.”

“I still think about that night. It haunts me in my dreams.” He paused, his head dropping into his hands. “If I had just—I still think that if…” he choked on his words, causing tears to flow from my eyes.

“Don’t, don’t think like that. You’ve got to let it go. It wasn’t your fault,” I cried, my own words echoing through my mind as memories of that night rose to the surface again, the heavy guilt smothering me once more.

Derek’s body shook with silent sobs beside me. I reached out and pulled him to me. He laid his head in my lap and I ran my fingers through his dark hair as he cried.

“It’s not fair…Kyle should be here. He should,” Derek insisted through spasms of pent-up emotions and heart-wrenching sobs. “But, he’s not…”

I closed my eyes as I continued to stroke his hair, my chest becoming so incredibly constricted that I couldn’t breathe as the tears spilled from my eyes faster.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

I stood in front of my mirror, brushing my hair while wondering how Derek held up last night. We hadn’t talked all day today. I’d sent him a few messages and got no response, so I hadn’t pressed my luck by trying to call. He finally sent me a message about thirty minutes ago saying that he would pick me up so we could ride together to Brody’s house. I smoothed my shirt out with my hands and applied another layer of Chapstick before heading to the living room to sit in a recliner and wait.

My house was still packed. The guys were all lying around lazily in the living room watching football, still stuffed from last night’s dinner, while the women were sitting at the dining room table talking and flipping through holiday magazines. Ashley sat in the floor playing with Sarah and her My Little Ponies. She’d turned out to be a better babysitter than me.

Derek came through the front door without knocking. He was dressed in dark jeans, a plain heather-grey shirt, and a black jacket. Dark circles had formed overnight beneath his eyes and I wondered how much sleep he had actually gotten.

“You ready?” he asked. His lips twisted into the ghost of a smile, but it didn’t erase the hardness that swirled within his eyes.

I wondered if he knew what Brody was planning or if he was still just trying to piece himself back together from his parents’ announcement last night.

“Yeah,” I stood. “We’ll see you guys later,” I said to everyone as we headed out the door.

* * * *

Brody’s house was amazing. It was actually his parents’ summer home, but when his mom left him and his dad when Brody was eleven, his dad decided to sell the house that they’d lived at in Atlanta, Georgia, and downsize by moving here to Dansburke.

We pulled up to the yellow cottage-like house that had the ocean for a backyard, and parked beside Missy’s black Civic. The entire ride over had been comfortable, but silent. Derek had placed his hand on my thigh while he drove and some low-key music filled the Jeep with noise, holding off the eerie silence that could have easily smothered us. I wanted to ask how he was handling the news of his parents having another baby and if he had talked to them, but couldn’t seem to figure out how to breach the subject. When he cut the engine, I decided to just go ahead and ask.

“So, did you talk to your parents about everything last night?” My heart hammered in my stomach as I said the words, I didn’t want to ruin the night before it had even begun.

He nodded, but didn’t look at me. “Yeah.”

“And?” I prompted in a soft tone, hoping he would give me a little more than that, but not wanting to press the issue too hard.

“I feel better.”

I pinched my lips together. How was I supposed to be there for him—to be his friend or anything more—if he wasn’t going to let me in? “So…what did you say? Did you tell them how you felt about the new baby?”

His fingers squeezed and released the steering wheel repeatedly. “Everything’s fine. I was being stupid and childish. The new baby will be a good thing for them. It will give them a reason to keep going.”

My lips parted as my eyebrows drew together in concern. It was crystal clear to me what he was doing—how his words had been more to convince himself than me. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling right now, but I knew him, and I knew that once he saw his sibling’s little face, he’d be just as happy as his parents were.

“Can we just go inside now?” he asked, his eyes pleading with me not to ask any more questions.

“Sure.”

We walked around to the lower portion of the house where the basement door was located in the back. The ocean waves had picked up and the sound of them rushing to the shore and mingling with the music coming from Brody’s basement was familiar, but not in a good way. It was too reminiscent of that night and I wondered how it would affect Derek. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye as we started up a little pathway to the slightly ajar basement door; his face was blank, void of any emotion and all. I slid my hand into his. It was as close as I could get to him at the moment. The door opened all the way before we could reach it and Brody stepped out carrying a large cardboard box in his arms.

“Oh, hey guys. Head on inside, I’m just setting this out here so Missy will leave it alone. The anticipation is killing her,” Brody said, an ear-to-ear grin stretching across his face.

Derek laughed. It rumbled through him and vibrated his hand in mine, making me smile. “Missy doesn’t like surprises? Go figure.”

“Katie, you made it!” Missy shouted when she spotted me through the open door. I took note of how classic she looked—her blonde ringlets glossy and perfectly placed, her makeup neutral, the champagne-colored top she wore modestly fitting and exposing virtually no amount of skin. She topped the outfit off with black leggings and a cute pair of boots. I had never seen her dressed so normal before.

Being with Brody was changing her, but from the looks of it, it was for the best.

“Yeah, we made it,” I said as Derek and I stepped through the door and around her.

“We’re just waiting on Eric and Ray now. I think they’re each bringing someone with them, too.  Our group is finally growing,” Missy said, oblivious to the fact that we were here to honor the death of one of our friends, and at the same time, escape from our circus-like families and eat something other than turkey and green bean casserole.

“There are sodas, wings, all kinds of chips and dips…hell, there’s even a fruit tray. Help yourself to whatever,” Brody said as he closed the basement door behind him. “As soon as the guys get here, I’ll let you all in on my Kyle memorial special.” He winked.

Derek’s hand tensed in mine.  He pulled away and walked to the food table. “I’m gonna get a soda, you want anything?”

“Nah, I’m all right,” I answered, picking at my fingernails, my insides suddenly twisting.

“What’s up with you guys?” Missy whispered as she sauntered over to where I stood. “I noticed you two were holding hands when you walked in.” She raised an eyebrow and gave me a pointed look.  I realized then that I hadn’t told her about the kiss in my kitchen or about Derek hanging out in my room when I’d been sick.

“Yeah,” I smiled. “We talked a lot over the last few days and I think we’re finally where we should be...again.”

“Has he kissed you?”

“Yep.”

“Well it’s about damn time,” she said, placing her hand on her hips.

I glanced across the room at Derek. He stood to the side of the pool table with a couple of the other guys, watching as Brody racked up the balls and laughing at something someone said as he took another sip of his soda.

“Yeah, I know,” I smirked, feeling my cheeks heat with color.

“All right you guys, here’s the last of the food,” Mr. Perini said as he sat another tray of food beside all the others. “Derek, it’s good to see you here, son.” He walked over to Derek and slapped him on the back. “I hope you like what Brody has planned for tonight. He went through a lot of trouble and I can’t say that I approve of exactly what he’s doing, but…Kyle was a good kid, so I couldn’t tell Brody no when he wanted to place the order with my credit card.”

“Thanks…I think,” Derek said, the edges of his lips twisting into a forced smile.

“All right, Dad, head on back upstairs before you blow the surprise for everyone,” Brody insisted, making a shooing motion after his father. “Let’s turn up some music and get this party started!” He pulled a remote out from inside his pocket and cranked the music up as his dad zipped back up the stairs.

An hour passed. Eric and Ray had finally shown up with their girlfriends for the night. Once Brody was sure that his dad wasn’t going to come back downstairs anytime soon, he reached behind the couch and pulled out a brand new bottle of the Bacardi Gold—Kyle’s favorite.

“All right, so this is how it’s going to work…as you all know, this shit was Kyle’s favorite shot.” He held the bottle up for all of us to see and then grabbed an empty wooden bowl from on an end table. “Everyone reach in your pockets for your keys please. We’re only doin’ one shot, but ain’t nobody leavin’ right after.”

Brody walked around to each of us until the bowl was filled with everyone’s keys. Ten shots were laid out. Each one filled to the rim.

“Everyone can grab a shot and step outside with me,” Brody instructed. We all did as we were told, each of us eager to find out what he had planned.

Brody had us form a semicircle around the cardboard box Derek and I had seen him carry out earlier.  I walked slowly, careful not to spill the amber liquid on myself. Derek was at my right and Missy on my left. As I glanced back and forth between the two, taking in how completely opposite their expressions were—Derek’s face solemn and his lips pressed together firmly, Missy’s face excited with a wide grin that crinkled the edges of her eyes—I felt mixed feelings of my own about this night.