Finding You (By You #3) (20 page)

It wasn't that he didn't trust her--he did. She made her feelings known, and he didn't doubt them in the slightest. But he did doubt himself.

She tells you anything you want to know, but you can't even come clean with her.

He clenched his eyes shut, taking deep breaths to center himself. But they didn't help. They didn't keep those poisonous thoughts from creeping into his head.

You don't deserve her.

He slammed his hand into the desk again. It wasn't the first time he'd had those thoughts. They'd been nagging him ever since their first date. He was falling for her so hard that he couldn't stand the thought of what she might do when she found out the truth about him--when she found out what he'd done. He'd lived the last few years trying to keep that part of his past buried away somewhere safe. He'd told her only the barest part of it, only just hinted at what had
really
happened. But it was everything he
hadn't
said that was important. It was those parts that she needed to know. It was those parts that he knew would drive her away from him.

He'd never had to share those parts with anyone, before. Sure, some people knew. Becca knew. His parents knew. The District Attorney had his suspicions. But there were few others. He and his parents had kept it that way to keep him safe. They'd said it was for his own good, and he agreed.

But Sarah was different.

He wanted to let her into his life. He wanted her to accept him for who he was. He didn't want to keep
anything
from her. But he knew she could never know the truth and still be with him. Sarah was too good of a person, too beautiful. She could have any guy she wanted, so why would she want to settle for a guy like him--a guy who'd done what he'd done?

He'd told Becca that he would come clean, that he would be honest with her. But with every night that slipped by, it got harder and harder. He was having fun with her--pure, honest fun. He couldn't remember the last time he was even half as happy as Sarah made him. Every night he told himself he was going to tell her, and every night came and went faster than he wanted.
Just one more night, then I'll tell her
. How many times had he told himself that lie?

And now tonight was another night he wouldn't tell her. Not with Huck trying to get back in the picture--or whatever he was trying to do. He and Sarah had history, and there was no way Jeremy was going to risk driving her back into the arms of that asshole.

No, he'd have to pick a different night to talk to her, a different night to ruin his life. Until then, he could at least enjoy her company, even if it was for only a little while longer.

Thankfully, Sarah wasn't stuck at the hospital for very long after that. The doctors eventually got around to Huck, and after giving him a thorough check up, decided that he would be fine with some rest.

When they'd made it back to campus, things had been a little awkward between them. But he didn't try to push her any further. Overall, Sarah was pretty satisfied with how they left things. Maybe they were on track to being friends again, and no matter how much of an asshole he'd been, she knew that would be a good outcome.

After changing and grabbing some of her things, she headed over to Jeremy's dorm. It wasn't a long walk, and the late afternoon weather was pleasantly cool. She had to stop herself from skipping the whole way. She'd been waiting to see him all day, and she was downright giddy now that she was getting her chance. She was going to jumps straight into his arms and give him the biggest, deepest kiss she'd ever given him.

But when she knocked on his door, and he answered it, she could tell right away that something wasn't right.

"Hey there," he said, with a soft smile.

"Hey, handsome," she said.

He was wearing a white, sleeveless shirt that showed off his muscular arms, and he had on blue gym shorts. His face was glistening with beads of sweat, and his shirt was damp in the center of his chest and along the neckline.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?" she asked.

He shook his head and waved her in.

"Just needed to go for a run to clear my head, is all."
 

"That looks like quite a run," she said.

He grabbed a water bottle from his desk and took a long pull from it before turning back to her.

"Made it all the way around campus in just under twenty minutes."

Her jaw dropped. "You mean around the entire campus? That's a really long run."

He nodded. "About three miles."

"You must be exhausted," she said. She scooted his desk chair out and pointed at it. "Sit down and rest."

He shook his head. "Gotta shower, real quick. Do you mind waiting for me?"

A grin spread across her face, mostly because of the thoughts her imagination was conjuring up of him in the shower.

"There's nowhere I'd rather be," she said.

"I'll be quick," he promised.

He leaned forward and gave her a quick, wet peck on the forehead. What a tease--she wanted so much more than that.

After he vanished off to the shower, she decided to try and do something productive with the few minutes of free time she had. She had been working on a paper before she'd been interrupted with the whole Huck situation, so she hadn't been able to get everything done that she wanted before hanging out with Jeremy.

Pulling out a binder and notepad full of all the notes she'd been keeping, she decided it was high time that she do a little organization so she could actually find stuff when she needed to see it. She went about moving papers from her spiral notebook into the binder, all organized under different-colored tabs to keep track of everything. It wasn't long before she realized she needed a three-hole punch, and she started rummaging around on Jeremy's desk, looking for one. Surely he had one, every college student had one, it was just that hers was back in her dorm.

Sarah pulled open the top drawer on the desk, and saw an assortment of pens, pencils and markers in it. There were a multitude of colors, and she concluded that he had better sense than most boys--if he actually used them, that is. The drawer below that one was significantly deeper, meant for keeping papers and folders, and she was surprised to see that it wasn't empty. There were folders and binders stuffed in there, but it was what was lying on top of the binders that caught her off guard.

A picture frame of a girl with dark brown hair and a big smile sat on top. A chill ran up Sarah's spine as she pulled the picture out of the drawer and looked at it. She didn't need to ask who the girl was, there was only one possible option.

Dani
.

The girl looked like she was about Sarah's age. She had a bright smile, and she looked like the kind of girl that Sarah might want to hang out with. It was a good picture, and she looked so happy in it.

The door clicked as the lock opened, and Jeremy came in with a wad of clothes in one hand, and a towel wrapped around his waist. Sarah jumped at his sudden appearance, dropping the picture back into the drawer, quickly.

Jeremy froze in front of the door after it shut. Water was still dripping down his cheek, but he didn't seem to notice it. His eyes were locked on Sarah, and it was obvious that he had seen exactly what she was doing.

He looked between her and the still open drawer, and her stomach lurched and felt like it was going to drop straight out her backside.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to go snooping," she said, frantically. Jeez, but he'd taken a fast shower. Hadn't he just left? "I was just looking for a hole puncher. I didn't know that was in there..."

Her voice trailed off, hoping he would say something, hoping he wasn't upset with her. Jeremy's brow pinched together, and he pointed at the top shelf of the desk, above Sarah's head. She looked up, and saw the edge of a metallic, gray hole puncher resting on the shelf.

She let out a pained sigh, shaking her head.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

But, Jeremy didn't say anything while he set his clothes in the hamper next to the closet. He walked back over to her and pulled the picture frame out of the drawer, giving it a long look before turning back to her.

"I can't bring myself to get rid of this one," he said, his voice soft. "I got rid of all the others, but I can't let this one go."

Sarah frowned. "Why would you want to get rid of them? There's no shame in keeping her memory around--that's what pictures are for."

The corners of his eyes tensed, and he clenched his jaw. He put the picture back in the drawer and closed it.

"Sometimes I try to forget it's even there," he said.

"Why would you want to forget it's there? I'm sure she would be happy knowing that you still think about her, that you still care about her."

He gave her a long look, then nodded.

"That's what I hope," he said.

She gave him a weak smile and walked over to him. The fresh smell from the shower clung to him, and his body was warm and wet when she wrapped her arms around him. She nuzzled her head against his chest, and didn't even pretend to imagine what he was going through--what he went through every day of his life. Sarah wasn't sure what she'd do if Jeremy were suddenly killed, and she still had only known him for a short while. She didn't even like Huck that much right then, but she knew she'd be devastated if anything were to happen to him. The way she'd freaked out earlier was proof of that.

When she pulled away from him, there was still hardness in his face. The corner of his mouth twitched in what she thought was an attempt at a smile that didn't quite make it all the way there.

"What are you thinking about right now?" she asked.

His crystal blue eyes looked her up and down, quickly, and he shook his head.

"Nothing important."

She studied him for a second, but didn't press the issue. She hated feeling like there was something he was keeping from her. Didn't he know she was there for him? She wanted to be included in his life, wanted him to be able to open up to her about anything that was bothering him. If there was something wrong, she wanted to help him make it better.

Finally, he broke away from her and started putting his clothes back on.

"How'd everything turn out at the hospital?" he asked, while slipping his arms through a shirt. "Everything alright with Huck?"

"Yeah, the doctors said he'll be fine. Billie got him good with a taser out of nowhere. I've never seen someone twitch like that, before." She shook her head, remembering it. "It was terrifying."

Jeremy nodded. "Yeah, I saw a demonstration once. They can be pretty ugly."

Sarah watched as he finished getting dressed. He didn't look up at her the whole time, didn't say anything to her. Had she done something wrong? Was he pissed at her about something?

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

"You seem...agitated."

He froze, and his eyes met hers for a second. Then he shook his head. "Nope, everything's fine."

Sarah winced. She knew he was lying, she just wished she knew why.

"Is this about Huck?" He shot her another surprised look. His wide eyes searching her face. "Because, if it is, you really don't have anything to worry about. There's nothing going on between he and I. It's like I already told you, I have absolutely no interest in him."

Jeremy nodded once, and slipped into his jeans. He was buttoning them up when Sarah walked over and grabbed his hand. She didn't want him dismissing what she said. She needed to know that he heard her, that he understood her.

"I'm serious, Jeremy. I don't have
any
feelings for him."

His features softened as they looked at each other, and he let out a soft breath.

"I know it's probably none of my business," he began, "but what was he doing over at your place?"

"No, it
is
your business. I would ask the same thing if I found out that you had a girl over here." She rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. "He showed up out of the blue wanting to talk. I think he's having second thoughts about everything that happened. It kind of sounded like things haven't been going his way, lately, but I didn't care to find out what was going on."

"What about you? You're not having second thoughts, are you?"

She gave his hand a light squeeze and shook her head. "I'm with the exact person I want to be with. You don't have a single thing to be worried about."

Jeremy's frown broke for the first time, but he just shrugged a shoulder.

"It's just...I know there's a lot of history between you two. I would understand if you were having second thoughts--even if you didn't want to admit them to me."

"I'm not. I couldn't be further from having second thoughts about him. After everything he did to me, I wouldn't want to be with him even if I wasn't crazy about another guy." She slid her hand up his arm, giving him the warmest smile possible. "And I
am
crazy about another guy."

Finally, he smiled, and she felt some of the tension loosen in her chest.

"I'm sorry if I seem like some jealous guy. I just...I understand what it's like to care about someone and then have them disappear from your life."

Jeremy took a deep breath and looked at the ground. Sarah's eyes went blurry as she watched him, as she felt just a little bit of the pain he must deal with everyday. She didn't know how he did it.

"It's not the same thing at all. Huck cheated on me--
he
betrayed
me
--and I'll never forget that. He chose to do that to me. Dani was..." She shook her head. "That was different."

She couldn't bring herself to actually say that Dani had been taken away from him. She didn't even know the girl, but the thought of it still nearly crushed her. Jeremy was too good a guy to have to endure that pain. He was too sweet and caring to have someone he loved taken away from him, even if that meant that Sarah would never have met him in the first place.

Jeremy hooked his hand around her waist and pulled her tight to him. Their eyes met again, and she felt like she could fall into them.