Fitting The Pieces (The Riverdale Series Book 3) (8 page)

           
Cara
bolted up as the image of Luke filling her, bombarded her dreams. Her breathing
was ragged as she sat upright in the bed. No way did that happen. She shook her
head and took in a deep breath. Her head was all fucked up. None of that
happened. She threw her legs over the side of the bed and stood up. She did not
have sex with Luke. She paced the room as she combed her fingers through her
hair. Then why was she dreaming she had? Why did it all seem so real? If she
allowed herself to delve deeper she could describe his taste and how his arms
felt wrapped around her.

           
She
glanced over at the phone. She could call him. He would clear this all up and
tell her it never happened. Hearing him say it would shut down her brain once
and for all. She nodded, deciding that was exactly what she had to do. She bit
her lip as she grabbed the phone, hesitating.
 
What exactly was she going to say to him? ‘Hey Luke it’s me Cara. I’ve
been dreaming we had sex. Can you just tell me that never happened? Okay,
Thanks.’ She cringed. Drugs are evil.

           
She
sighed heavily and quickly dialed his number, desperate to end the marathon her
brain was running.

           
“Hello?”
Luke answered on the third ring. There was a lot of noise coming out through
his end and then suddenly it disappeared and she figured he stepped away from
wherever he was. “Hello?” He repeated.

           
“It’s
Cara.” She said in a hurry.

           
“Hey,
everything okay?” He asked. She could hear the concern in his voice and she
closed her eyes for a moment, reeling at how deep his voice actually was.

           
“Yes…
no… I don’t know.” She stuttered and dropped her head helplessly into the palm
of her free hand. “Luke, this is going to sound crazy and maybe I am crazy, but
I keep getting these flashbacks and they are just so real. I can’t run from
them.” She rambled nervously.

           
“Whoa…
slow down.” Luke said calmly. “What flashbacks?”

           
“Did
you and I have sex?” She blurted out the question. She let go of the breath she
was holding and waited for him to laugh, because the idea was absurd, the
question even more absurd. Nothing. He said nothing. “Luke?” Oh God, he
probably hung up on her.

           
“I’m
here.” He said hoarsely.

           
“Please
just tell me I’m crazy and that I’m having hallucinations again. I promise I
won’t bother you again.” She mumbled desperately.

           
“Yes.”
He whispered.

           
She
froze for a moment. “Yes, I’m crazy or yes, we had sex?”

 
*
 
*
 
*
 
*
 
*

           
Luke
leaned against one of the cars that was parked in the parking lot of Lanza
Automotive and ran his fingers roughly through his hair. He thought she’d never
remember. He convinced himself that he alone would live with the memories of
that night.
 
He’d never uttered a word of
the night he had her, the night he took what wasn’t his. Now she remembered,
and was asking him if it was true. He could lie and tell her it never happened,
but he knew that wasn’t fair.

           
He
was scared to tell her the truth. She was so fragile. He battled his conscience
until he heard her broken voice, begging him for answers.

           
“Luke?
Please?”

           
“We
had sex, Cara.” He said hoarsely.

           
“Oh
my God.” She shrieked.

           
Desperate
to ease her he quickly tried to reel her in. “It was one time and it…” He
closed his eyes. “It didn’t mean anything.” He lied and as the words escaped
him his fist crashed with the hood of the car he was leaning on.

           
“When?”
She asked angrily. He could tell she was crying. He heard her sniffle through
her sobs to get the one word out.

           
“August.”
He said automated. “Cara, listen, we were both drunk and it, well, it just
happened.”

           
“It
didn’t just happen!!” She hollered into the phone. “I brought you into the
office and I undressed for you!” Even though she was yelling at him her voice
was broken and laced with sobs. “How come you never told me?”

           
“It
was a mistake that we both made. You didn’t remember and I thought I could try
to forget too. It’d be like it never happened and you wouldn’t have to suffer
anymore grief.”
 
The only problem with
his plan was that he couldn’t forget and the more he tried the more he didn’t
want to. “I’m sorry.”

           
She
never answered him and simply hung up on him. As much as he hated the way that
went down a part of him was thankful that she finally remembered the night that
had been etched into his soul.

Dear
Jake,

I
had group therapy today and I survived. Yay! Go me! I know I’m a dork, don’t
laugh at me. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was
heartbreaking, but it was different than what I expected. No one judged anyone.
There was just a silent understanding amongst everyone. Everyone has a story, a
path that led them to the circle, and when they have the nerve to share,
everyone just listens.

I
learned so much in one session. These people are my peers. They are just as
broken as me. They aren’t evil people they are just victims of circumstance.
They are weak and lack self-control. Just like me.

Can
I tell you something? I’m not sure, but I don’t think your death broke me. I
think you dying was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was damaged
when you met me. You were just the one person who had the ability to hold me
together. You were my glue.

There
is something else I have to tell you. Drugs are evil. Evil, I tell you. Since I
left my therapy sessions I’ve been hallucinating. I feel like I’m back in the
seventh layer of hell, detoxing. I guess it’s a side effect. They aren’t giving
me any more medication to help the withdrawals so maybe that’s it.

I’m
going to try to sleep, hopefully they will go away.

Love
always and forever,

Cara

Dear
Jake,

Oh
my god. I am so sorry.

I
hate myself.

I’m
sorry.

I’m
sorry.

Dear
Jake,

I
can picture the hurt in your eyes, the disappointment in your face, and I can
hear your heart breaking, because well that’s exactly how I feel. Saying I’m
sorry won’t be nearly enough. I am ashamed of my actions.

I
am a horrible person. The only way I can rationalize what I did is by telling
myself that I was just trying to erase the pain of losing you. It doesn’t
excuse using Luke to do it. Please don’t be mad at him. If anyone is to blame,
it’s me. I took advantage of him, knowing he was hurting as much as I. Maybe I
wanted him to know I was using him, I’m not even sure. Maybe I wanted him to
feel like I used him, maybe I thought I’d get rid of his constant presence.

I
don’t deserve him looking out for me, just like I never deserved you. You were
the only person who made things better in my life and I completely took
advantage of that, just like I took advantage of Luke’s concern for my well-being.

I
don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I’m trying to figure out
the person I am, and the more I discover the more I don’t like. I just want you
to know what happened between Luke and I didn’t mean anything.

Part
of my recovery is making amends with the people I’ve hurt while being an
addict. I can’t make amends with you because you are not here physically. But I
know you are with me in spirit and I want you to know I promise to make things
right. I promise to change the ugliness in my life. I want to be a better
person Jake.

I
Love you. Only You.

Love
always and forever,

Cara

           
New
York was beautiful all year round, but there were certain times when New York
was magical. Most New Yorkers would say it was Christmas time, but there were
some who would say Post Season Baseball in the Bronx was magic. Joe Lanza was
one of those people. He was a die-hard Yankee fan and when his future
son-in-law picked him up for the game, he was decked out in pinstripes from
head to toe. He even traded in his usual black dress slacks for a pair of navy
pinstripe ones. He had on his Derek Jeter jersey and wore the number two on his
back proudly.

           
Nick
ushered Joe through the stadium, listening while he hummed ‘Take Me Out To The
Ball Game’, making a mental note to buy the man a box of Cracker Jack’s. They
had great seats right above the dugout. Joe wouldn’t even need to use the
binoculars that hung around his neck. He slapped Nick on the back.

           
“You
did good, boy! These seats are perfect!” Joe said as he smiled broadly taking
in the view of the ball field. The stadium was alive and the fans boisterous.
The crowd chanted “Let’s Go Yankees” as the starting line-up was announced. The
two men sat back in their seats and took it all in. Nick glanced over at Joe
and smiled, happy to see the man enjoying himself and then he looked over at
the empty seat beside him. He wondered if Luke would even show. The last week
he had been unbearable.
 
He didn’t know
what it was that was eating away at his friend, but he hated seeing him this
way. He was cold and disconnected from everyone. The only time he seemed to be
himself was when he was around Ava, never allowing her to see whatever it was
that was tormenting him.

           
“I
remember the first time I took Luke and Jake to a baseball game.” Joe said,
sounding a bit nostalgic, causing Nick to turn his attention from the empty
seat beside him. “Luke was amazed by the stadium and all the players. I
remember he brought his catcher’s mitt with him, hoping to catch a foul ball.”
Joe smiled and then his smile turned into a slight chuckle. “My boy, Jake,
well, he was amazed by the concession stands.”

           
Nick
laughed as Joe reminisced. “He must’ve been in his glory.”

           
“Oh
yeah, they both were, just in different ways.” He sighed softly and then patted
Nick’s shoulder. “I’m going to go grab us a couple of hot dogs.” He said as he
rose to his feet. “Maybe by the time I get back that son of mine will grace us
with his presence.”

           
Nick
nodded slightly watching Joe make his way through the row of seats to the
aisle. He sighed and watched him disappear from his vision, feeling for the man
who had lost his son and was on the brink of losing his other one. Not in
death, but in spirit.

           
It
wasn’t fair to these people to endure anymore loss.
 
First Jake dies and leaves everyone with a
gaping hole in their hearts and then Cara nearly kills herself. Now it seems
Luke was on the verge of his own breakdown. It was no wonder any of them were
still standing. Alright, so maybe he was being a tad bit dramatic, but
 
Nick decided he wasn’t going to let Luke
spiral out of control, not on his watch. He’d tell him it was time to man the
fuck up and snap out of it. He was about to grab his phone when he felt someone
sit beside him. He glanced up and saw Luke sitting with a solemn expression on
his face.

           
“Nice
of you to make it.” Nick said flatly.

           
“Don’t
start with me.” Luke warned as he fingered the brim of his Yankee cap, tugging
it further down onto his head.

           
“It’s
good to see you are your usual pleasant self.” Nick said sarcastically. Luke
remained silent and kept his eyes trained on the field in front of him. “I
swear to Christ, you ruin this night for your old man and I’ll make your life
miserable.”

           
“You
could try, but it won’t make much of a difference.” Luke mumbled.

           
Nick
stared at him for a moment, trying his hardest to figure out what the hell his
problem was.

           
“Luke,
you made it!!” Joe said joyfully carrying a cardboard tray full of hot dogs.

           
Luke
lifted his head and looked at his father, offering him a half of a smile.
“Yeah, just in time too, they’re about to throw the first pitch.”

           
Joe
sat down and handed out the hot dogs as he made himself comfortable. Nick
handed Luke a hot dog and he shook his head. Nick leaned into his friend and
whispered harshly. “Eat the fucking hot dog.”

           
Luke
grabbed the hot dog Nick offered him and bit down with a vengeance and turned
his attention back to the field.

*
 
*
 
*
 
*
 
*

           
The
first two innings consisted of Joe taking pictures with his phone of the
players as they made their way back to the dugout while Nick tried to include
Luke in pointless conversation. Luke remained silent, not paying much attention
to the game, but instead staring down at his phone hoping it would ring. He
hadn’t heard from Cara in almost a week. Not since he told her that they had
sex and she hung up on him. He had no idea if she was okay or what she was
thinking and it had just about wrecked him.

           
He
feared he set her back in her recovery by confessing the truth about their
night together. He had to stop himself from driving to Pennsylvania to check on
her. He knew he was acting irrational and yet he couldn’t control himself. He
sat watching a playoff game, that under normal circumstances, he would’ve been
in his glory. Instead, he sat there wishing she’d call him. He felt as if he
was suffocating despite the fact that he was in a wide open stadium. He took a
deep breath and eyed his escape route. He stole a glance towards his father and
Nick. They jumped up along with the rest of the crowd as Jeter’s bat sent the
ball out of the park. Perfect time to escape, they wouldn’t even realize he was
gone, except Nick turned towards him and ruined his whole plan.

           
“Did
you see that?!” He shouted over the roar of the stadium.

           
Luke
stood up and leaned into Nick. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He shouted over
the noise.

           
“Jeter!
Jeter! Jeter!” Chants broke out around them as Nick stared at him
incredulously.

           
“Are
you kidding me? This is history in the making!” Nick shouted as Joe stood on
top of his seat with the guy beside him chanting happily.

           
Luke
glanced at his father watching as he began to kick his legs with his new buddy,
like they were members of the Radio City Rockettes. He diverted his eyes back
towards Nick.

           
“Take
care of him.” Luke said before turning around and making his way through the
row of people jumping up and down elated.

           
Nick
looked back towards Joe. “I’ll be right back!” He shouted and Joe waved him
off, signaling Nick to do what he had to do. Nick shuffled through the crowd,
following Luke to the best of his ability.

           
By
the time Luke made it inside the stadium he could hear the roar of the crowd
explode again. He glanced up at the TV and saw that another homerun was scored
in the Yankees favor.

           
“Luke!”
Nick called as he made his way inside of the stadium.

           
Luke
rolled his eyes and slowly turned around to face him. “Man, go back out there,
you’re missing the game.”

           
“You
know what? I don’t give a fuck!” Nick said his patience fleeing him. “You
ruined the night anyway with your bullshit. I don’t know what the fuck your
problem is but get a grip!”

           
Something
inside Luke snapped and he unleashed everything he was harboring. “You want to
know what my problem is? I was supposed to be the one person who could save my
brother’s life.” He shouted, not giving a damn that they were in a public place
or that anyone could hear his turmoil. “He wasn’t supposed to die!” He pulled
off his baseball cap and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I’m a shit
brother. He’s dead months now and I haven’t visited his grave once! Not once!”

           
Nick
took a step towards Luke. “Man, you’ve had your hands full. You have been
taking care of Cara. You don’t think Jake would be grateful for that? That he
wouldn’t understand you’ve been busy?”

           
Luke
laughed at him. “Right. He’d be grateful.” The absurdity of the Nick’s
statement was almost hilarious to Luke. “Tell me something? You think Jake
would be grateful that I screwed his fiancée? His body was barely cold and I
took advantage of her. I did such a good job taking care of her that she nearly
killed herself in a car accident because she became a drug addict, on my
watch!!!” He observed Nick closely, waiting for him to show some sort of
reaction. “Did you hear what I said? I had sex with Cara after my brother died!
And then when she didn’t remember because she was too strung out on drugs, I
lied and I hid it from her. I pretended like it never fucking happened, like,
that night wasn’t something I agonized over every night since! And when I say
agonized I don’t mean that it pained me so much to do it, but that it pained me
that I couldn’t do it again or that she didn’t remember.” Luke turned his gaze
away from his friend, unable to look at him anymore.

           
Nick
didn’t know what to say. He usually could read Luke like a book and know how to
handle anything he tossed his way. If it was just Luke grieving the loss of his
brother and the fact that the bone marrow transplant didn’t work, Nick could
probably handle that. He could probably pull Luke out of whatever black hole he
was crawling into, but this guilt over Cara was unchartered territory. Nick
didn’t dare say that he knew how to maneuver a Jake and Cara situation, but a
Luke and Cara situation? Well, fuck he knew jack shit about that.

           
Luke
blew out a deep breath and turned back to face Nick. “I’m sorry about tonight.
Cara remembered last week and thought her mind was playing tricks on her. When
I told her it was true and that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just a
mistake, she hung up on me and I haven’t heard from her since.” He tugged his
baseball cap back onto his head and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I can’t be
here.” He shook his head. “My head is just not in it.”

           
“Can
you call the rehab?” Nick asked as he cupped the back of his neck. He was
struggling to find some way to ease his friend.

           
“No,
she can only call out.” Luke said and then he narrowed his eyes towards Nick.
“You can’t tell Sam. No one else can know what happened between me and Cara.”

           
“I
won’t say anything.” He paused for a moment. “Luke, you’re not responsible for
what happened to Jake. The transplant worked it was his body that was just too
weak and battered from the chemo. You couldn’t control that and you shouldn’t
beat yourself up over that. As far as this shit with Cara goes. It was one
time. You both were grieving and well, fuck, grief makes you do some crazy
shit.”

           
“The
thing is I’m pretty sure I’d do it again.” He shook his head and mumbled what a
piece of shit he was.

           
“She’ll
call. She’s working through a lot of shit, man.” As the words came out of
Nick’s mouth, he couldn’t believe he was giving Luke, a Cara pep talk, talk
about a cluster fuck.

 
          
“Don’t waste your breath on me, I’m a
lost cause.” Luke said and nodded towards the stadium.
 
“You better go back out there. Thanks for
hearing me out.” He turned around and before Nick could protest or offer him
any more encouraging words that he didn’t deserve he walked away.

*
 
*
 
*
 
*
 
*

           
Cara sat down on one of the sofas
that surrounded Lakeview’s rec room. The last few days she had become more
immersed in the activities that the facility had to offer. She didn’t want to
be locked away in her room, secluded from everyone anymore. She nudged Collin
with her elbow.

           
“Hey,
what’s the score?” She asked him while he kept his eyes glued to the TV. She
had taken to the young kid and was happy to see him starting to evolve. Gone
was the shaky boy that looked too frail to stand. The young man beside her
looked eager to take on whatever lay ahead of him.

           
“Did
you see that? The Yankees had the lead by three! They just blew it!” He said
exasperated. Cara turned her head and looked at the TV, watching one of the
players from the opposing team round the bases. She knew enough about baseball
to know that the guy just hit a grand slam and cleared the bases. She looked up
at the scoreboard in the top corner of the screen. The Yankees were losing by
two. She leaned back against the cushions of the couch and wrapped her arms
around herself as she watched the players cheer at home base. Her mind wandered
to Luke and she pictured him hunched over grabbing the rim of his baseball hat
as he stared at the TV angrily. She covered her mouth with her hand when the
giggle erupted from her lips. The broody Lanza was probably having a small fit
right now.