For the Best (15 page)

“Mostly my time was spent schlepping
food.”

“You got to travel. You road tripped. You
met people.”

“Well I did pick up this crazy hitchhiker in
Colorado. We spent a month in a cheap hotel until I found him
cooking meth in the bathtub.”

“Funny.”

“I’m not joking,” she stated with a serious
face.

“Doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change my love
for you.” The words just came out but I couldn’t take them back.
Saying it felt right.

She smiled. “That is not an original
feeling.” She leaned close and gave me a kiss. Sweet lips pursed.
Mouth closed. “I love you too, for what it is worth.”

Tanner

We began the Trail of the Cedars to
Avalanche Lake on planks of boardwalk over thawing moist ground
that connected with paved spots. Then we broke to the right going
over a dirt trail that climbed over rocks and tree roots. Like the
trails namesake,
Cedars
straddled both
sides. Climbing higher we came to a bit of a clearing where we
could hear and then look over the edge at the roar of Avalanche
Creek. As the water churned in the gorge below a mist rose and
mixed with lush greens that made me think of Hanna reading Trev
stories of fairies in wooded glens.

At the summit, we stepped from the path and
trees to emerge at another turquoise lake’s waters. I wasn’t one
for ten cent words but majestic felt right. The unseen glacier and
mountain runoff fell thousands of feet from the peaks above
creating waterfalls cascading into the lake.

Hanna rested on a fallen tree whitewashed
and ghostly lying on the shore and removed her
hiking boots
. I followed her lead, even sticking my
feet into the frigid water.

I wanted to revisit our college conversation
but decided to let it rest. I had four more weeks to convince her.
“Kali’s parents are at the lodge. She told me she was spending the
night with them being pampered.”

“I know.”

“She said I should spend the night with
you.”

“She probably should have consulted me
first.”

“So you want to be alone?”

“No.”

Her quick reply boosted my confidence.
“But….”

“Nothing is going to happen, Tanner.” She
shuffled her feet back to dry land but kept picking up small rocks
and studying them.

“I didn’t expect it too.”

The wind caught her
loose
hair
sending a curtain of brown over her face distorting her
expression from my view. “I have to leave for work by six
tomorrow.”

“Rising early doesn’t bother me.” Every
blockade she was going to come up with I already knew what words
I’d use to deflect.

She went back to the log and sat. “Don’t
make me regret this.”

Watching the sun reflect off her hazel eyes,
I knew I would have to keep myself in check or I’d ruin
everything.

Hanna

We had been laughing, having a good time
when he suddenly became preoccupied looking through my books. He
picked up one and started reading the back cover.

The title was
Mating in Captivity
. It
suggested that becoming too familiar with each other doesn’t help
keep the spark alive in long term relationships or marriage. “I
read that to try to figure out what went wrong with my parents. You
know so I don’t fall into that same trap.”

Tanner sighed. “What went wrong was your
dad.”

“Well, yeah but what made him that way. Was
it a loss of desire for my mom?”

He shrugged. “Your mom was beautiful, kind
and fun. She was a different shade of you. I wouldn’t gross
yourself out by thinking too hard about what went on in their
bedroom.”

“The book suggests that couples spend more
time apart hanging out with friends or developing new interests.
That way you have a chance to miss each other or get curious about
each other’s lives.”

He was staring at me. “Your dad was always
on the road Hanna. They did all those things.”

“Well, I think there is some truth to the
theory. Look at what distance has done for us.”

Startled, he froze. He reached out and took
me by the shoulders. “Hanna...”

Interrupting, I didn’t let him say what he
intended, “It’s okay. I get it.”

“No you don’t. I hooked up with those girls
because I was a dick. Not because of anything you did or didn’t
do.”

I shrugged.

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Dwelling on the bad.”

I stiffened.

“I’m done pretending.”

“I didn’t realize you were,” I retorted.

“Hug me.”

I complied.

“NOT like that!” he barked as I loosely
embraced him. He clutched me harder. “Tight and pressed like you
used to.” I put some muscle into it. “Now kiss me.”

I laughed pulling back. “I don’t think
so.”

“Then I’ll kiss you.” He did. “I’m going to
keep doing it.” He brushed his lips across mine multiple times. He
brought his hands up to my face, met my eyes and suddenly I felt
weak kneed. Another kiss, this one leaving me hungry for more.

“Aaah, there is what I wanted, that is what
I missed,” he murmured.

“What?” I whispered.

“When you are really into it if I end the
kiss - you touch your lips to mine one last time.”

“What else do you miss?”

“How your hair feels brushing my body as we
make love, that shudder you make as you come.”

I gulped. Desire linked us closer. “I know
you think I’m hard like a stone but I’m not. Right now I’d like to
lose my self-control. I’d like to lapse back to being lovers even
if just for the night.”

His lips hotly claimed mine. His hands
pressed my hips into his. “Hanna, I want you so bad.” His mouth
heated my ear and he picked me up without breaking the contact.

He lowered me onto the bed and the old
springs creaked in protest. He knew my body and I knew his but we
were different…I was different. I let go of the hurts and let
myself love him once again.

Tanner

Waterton, Alberta was a short drive north to
the Canadian side of the park. I joked about waiting on cattle
crossing the highway. “If that happened back in Florida you’d have
a bunch of cranky New England snowbirds laying on their horns until
a stampede progressed.”

We made it through customs with no problems
and finally the brown prairie grasses gave way to the jagged,
snowcapped mountains and deep blue chain of lakes in Waterton. We
stopped at the visitor’s center, located a trail called Bear’s Hump
that Hanna’s ranger friend recommended and then straight ascended
with such a hamstring burn for a mile that I questioned my
youth.

At the top, we stood on the smooth faced
granite and like most of the hikes she had convinced me to take I
appreciated the view.

She sat cross legged at the edge taking
pictures. “Remember all those Ansel Adams’ posters in the art
classroom?” Her voice hinted at something.

I nodded.

“I know he had the best equipment, waited
for the perfect lighting, and perfected each shot but it isn’t the
same. I mean if you hadn’t experienced seeing the mountains live
with all the variations of color, and dimensions would you
understand?”

“It’s a feeling, more than a vision.”

Her eyes lit up. “Exactly.”

I was talking about her as much as the land.
I wanted to say it, but I held back thinking it would come off
hokie. So many times all summer I wanted to freeze the moment. I
kneeled down and snapped a cell pic of a speckled brown chipmunk
sneaking up on her hand like a scene from
Snow White
. She
got up and found a flat rise in the ledge where she balanced her
camera pressing the self-timer. She ran back to me laughing and
scooted between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her and in three
blinks of the flashing red light we were captured.

Retrieving the camera she reviewed the
shots. “What do you think?” She turned the digital image for my
approval.

“I think it’s perfect.” I pulled her close
for a kiss and whispered, “I love you.”

She echoed it back, “I love you. I love you
more now than all our yesterdays.”

“Is that good or bad.”

“Definitely good.” She laughed.

We descended at a tentative jog trying to
stay surefooted over jutting rocks and gnarled tree roots.
Bypassing the car we trekked across the highway to this cool old
lodge called Prince William Hotel. The wind was so brutal it could
have swept Hanna off the bluff and after taking in the somewhat
stuffy old world interior we gave in to the call of hunger.

We drove into town for linner, Hanna’s term
for lunch dinner combo. Short of Kalispell this had been my closest
destination to what I would have actually called a town.

Two chicken wraps and a pot pie later we
accessed the free computer usage at the café we dined and both
networked for a bit like normal. She typed a lot and mentioned
Della several times although I got the impression she contacted
other friends as well.

I sent my roommate a pic of me and Hanna on
the trail. He instant messaged.

Dude, hot does not describe her. Tell me
you’ve convinced her to return to the swamp.

Still working on it. How would you feel
about a third roommate?

Stoked

“What are you smiling about?” she leaned
over and asked.

“My roommate thinks you are very
attractive.” I winked and noticed her closed expression.

“Do I know him?”

“No. You’d like him.” I reached for her hand
and held it. “I noticed a lot of hotels on this strip had
vacancies.”

“Did you now?”

“Would you be interested in sharing a decent
shower for the first time in months and taking advantage of high
rent privacy?” I raised my eyebrows up and down teasing.

“Are you suggesting some afternoon
delights?”

“I’m suggesting using up every hour alone
with you behind a locked door with enough insulation to allow for
audible reckless abandon.” I put my mouth on hers smiling as our
lips met.

“I like that suggestion.”

I left her in the car, didn’t bother to
bargain, and laid down a credit card at the registration desk.

The room wasn’t plush. I wished it had been
less motel and more hotel but Hanna quickly threw off the
comforter, turning down the sheets. I laughed, more turned on that
she wanted me as much as I her.

I pulled the curtains closing out the
daylight. Sunshine peeked out from the hem reminding me of the
early hour.

She took my t-shirt bunching up the fabric
until she pushed it up my chest where I pulled it off quickly. She
slowed down, hesitated on taking off her own clothes. Finally, she
stood nude in front of me in sacrifice for pleasure. Lifting her I
took her to bed.

Sleepily, I watched Hanna get up and tiptoe
to the shower. We’d made love over and over. I couldn’t get enough
of her. The way she moved against me washed my mind in the euphoria
taking her drugged used to stir. Guiltily, I remembered.

I stumbled into her bedroom stoned and
horny.

“Tanner?” She sat up confused by my
presence. I watched in lost focus as the sheets fell away from
her.

I didn’t give her a chance. I pounced
knowing she wouldn’t say no.

Stimulants and little blue pills kept me up.
I was so angry - mostly at myself. For sitting around a party with
a bunch of guys who joked about wanting to fuck my girlfriend while
I laughed acceptingly like it was a compliment that they coveted
Hanna. Eventually, I endured and came for her, taking out my misery
on her. I was a side effect, an erection lasting more than a few
hours. I only stopped when she began crying.

I returned to the present and went to find
her in the shower. Climbing in, I lathered her with soap and washed
her hair keeping her under the warm water’s spray vowing I’d never
hurt her again.

Tanner

On Iceberg Lake Trail, the melancholy
sadness of summer coming to an end hit me hard as we took our final
hike in the park. Long and strenuous, we trekked silently as I
carried her mother’s remains. The climb, the morning chill, the
threat of claws, nothing distracted me from the grief of losing
her.

We emerged at the beautiful alpine lake
hemmed-in by sheer cliff walls. Even in late August the icebergs
floated in the blue waters. Soaking in the magnitude of saying
goodbye to each other as well as her mother was killing me. Frozen
water breaking echoed as we watched one fairly large iceberg calve
and roll over, triggering a significant splash and ripple across
the lake. It seemed like a sign that the time had come.

She smiled up at the sky, but her body
language belied her pain. Standing at my back, she unzipped my pack
and removed the urn. I watched as she unscrewed the lid and shook
the ashes into the wind. Caught in restless air, they drifted like
smoke, quickly dissipated. Nothing remained.

I thought back to the night after the
funeral. I tried to comfort her that night but her sobs were
frightening, keening moans of loss. I went to the medicine cabinet
down in the kitchen and found some valium. I was never even sure if
she knew I gave her two with a cup of green tea hoping to soothe
her. Then I took a couple for myself. I should have endured better,
been stronger for her.

This time I was. I slipped my hand down her
arm until I was grasping hers, hoping my touch would give her
strength and comfort. A sob broke from her and my heart ached.
Relinquishing her hand, I wrapped my arms around her from behind
resting my chin in the divot of her collar bone holding her as her
tears subsided.

The waters flow seemed to become louder. The
lake floor was shrouded in morning mist. The thundering sound of
nature and the breathtaking view calmed her.