Give Me a Reason (26 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

“You did what!”

“You heard.”

“You kissed Toni?”

“That’s what I said.”

“When did this happen?”

“Abby, I really need you to pay attention here. I told you,
last night.”

“I’m not talking about
when
you kissed her. I’m talking about…” Abby stopped for a moment, trying to find
the words. “I’m talking about when you started playing for the other team,
because the last time I checked, you were
hetero
sexual.”

“Oh.”

“Laura, I’m serious. What the hell were you thinking? The
woman is damaged enough without you deciding it was time to experiment!”

“I
wasn’t
experimenting!”

“No?”

“No,” Laura said. Sinking to the sofa, she put her head in
her hands. “Oh, Abby, what am I going to do?”

Abby had graduated first in her class, evidenced by the
degrees and certificates hanging on her office wall. She had given lectures,
treated the rich and famous, and had even written articles for various medical
publications, but as she replayed the dozens of conversations she had had with
Laura over the past several months, Abby Parker came to the conclusion that she
was a daft cow. “Oh, my God, you’re in love with her?”

Appearing as if she was bobbing for apples, Laura nodded
several times before finally peeking through her fingers. “Yes, and I think I
ruined it.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Oh, Abby, I moved too fast. She wasn’t ready. How could I
have been so bloody stupid!” Laura shouted as she got to her feet and paced
around the room. “Why the fuck didn’t I just leave her be? I mean, she’s had
moods before, and they’ve always passed, but I pushed her. I went too fast and
now she hates me. She fucking hates me!”

“Laura, calm down.”

“I am calm!”

“No, you’re not, and I can’t help you if you don’t slow down
and start making some sense. Now sit back down and tell me what happened.”

Throwing herself onto the sofa, Laura picked up her wine,
tucked her legs under her and glared at Abby. “There—you satisfied?”

Fighting the urge to laugh, Abby picked up her own glass,
taking a sip as she settled into the corner of the sofa and looked at her
exasperated friend. Thinking for a moment, she said, “Okay, so last night
something happened and you kissed Toni. Yes?”

“Oh, so you
were
paying
attention,” Laura snarled. “It’s about bloody time.”

“You
are
in a mood, aren’t
you?”

Realizing she was taking her frustrations out on Abby, Laura
frowned. “I’m sorry. That was totally uncalled for.”

“Apology accepted,” Abby said with a smile. “Now, what
exactly happened last night?”

“I told you. I kissed—”

“Not that part. I’m talking about
before
the kiss.”

“Oh.”

“You said that Toni was having a bad day, right?”

“Not at first,” Laura said, unfolding her legs. “When we left
Scotland, she was fine. She was quiet during the drive, but she’s always like
that. When we got home, we both unpacked, had some dinner, and then we just sat
around and talked.”

“About what?”

“I told her that my mother wanted us to come back at
Christmas and spend a few weeks with her.”

“Does your mother know?”

“I wasn’t lying, Abby. My mother is the one who extended the
invitation.”

Abby tried not to laugh, but promptly failed. Quickly
collecting herself, she said, “Laura, does your mother know about your
feelings
for Toni?”

“Oh...oh, yeah, she knows. We had a long talk one night, and
she seems okay with it.”

“All right, so you were chatting about returning to Scotland
for Christmas, and then what?”

Thinking for a moment, Laura said, “She asked me if I would
go without her, and I told her that it all depended on what her reason was for
staying home alone. That’s when she got angry.”

“Why?”

“From the start, she’s always asked me why I do the things I
do for her, and I always say—”

“Give me a reason?”

About to take a sip of wine, Laura stopped before her lips
touched the glass. “How in the world did you know that?”

“Because you’ve used that same line on me a hundred times.”

“Oh.”

“It’s okay, Laura. It’s part of who you are, and I love it,
but by the sounds of Toni’s reaction, she doesn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh, Abby, she got so angry and started rattling off all
these questions. Why did I do this and why did I do that, and then she said
things were getting muddled. When I asked her what she meant, she said she
needed to work it out on her own.”

“And you didn’t let her.”

“No, I guess I didn’t,” Laura said with a sigh. “I kept
pushing her and she finally said that she realized that she’d never be the
person she once was. When I asked her why, she said it was because...it was
because that person was dead.”

“I see.”

“Oh, Abby, she looked so sad. So, so sad, and I thought...I
thought she was going to slip away, disappear back into her books and close all
the doors that had finally opened, and I didn’t want to lose her. I wanted her
to know that she wasn’t dead, that she was loved...so I kissed her.”

“Did she kiss you back?” Noticing that Laura instantly
blushed, Abby grinned. “Laura, I’m not a sex therapist so you can skip the gory
details. Just tell me what she did.”

“She didn’t
do
anything. She
didn’t pull away, and for a second or two, I thought things, well I thought
things might go further, but then she backed off and got really, really angry.
I tried to apologize, but she wouldn’t listen, and then she ran to her room and
slammed the door.”

“And you haven’t spoken since last night?”

“We had a brief exchange this morning, but it didn’t go very
well,” Laura said, rubbing the bridge of her nose.

“What happened?”

“I thought maybe I should try to apologize again, but I
barely got started before she began screaming. She told me if I ever tried it
again, she’d quit her job and move away. Then she just stormed out of the
house.”

“Really,” Abby said pensively. “That’s interesting.”

“What do you mean?”

Taking a sip of wine, Abby got her thoughts in order. “Our
relationship, you and I, we’re close friends, wouldn’t you agree?”

“The best. You know that.”

“Okay, and taking away the fact that you’re in love with
Toni, would you say she falls under the same heading?”

“Sure. Why?”

“Laura, in all the years you and I have known each other,
we’ve had our share of disagreements, but neither of us has ever seen the need
to give the other an ultimatum. Between friends, especially close friends,
there’s an honor, if you will. You tell me you don’t like something, and I
accept it and move on because I care about you, and I value our friendship. I
don’t need to threaten you. I just need to ask, because I trust you, and you
trust me.”

“So, what’s your point?”

“I think Toni’s in love with you.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“Abby, are you on drugs? Have you heard a single word I’ve
said? She was furious!”

“Yes, but not at you,” Abby said. Drinking what was left of
her wine, Abby set the glass aside. “You said it yourself. At first, she didn’t
pull away when you kissed her. I don’t know about you, but if someone tries to
kiss me, and I don’t want them to, I don’t just stand there and let it happen.
That tells me she has feelings for you.”

“Then why did she get so bloody angry?”

“Probably the same reason she gave you those ultimatums. She
doesn’t want it to happen again.”

“She doesn’t want to be loved?”

“Probably more along the lines that she doesn’t think she has
anything to give to a relationship being the way she is, and if she could ever
get past that, you’re still left with the scars.”

“Oh, that’s bollocks! I don’t care about the bloody scars!”

“Of course you don’t, but
she
does. Laura, you keep forgetting that Toni has very little, if any, self-worth.
Sure, she’s a fantastic teacher, and she knows that, but as far as being in a
relationship—no way. She looks in the mirror and sees nothing but those marks,
and most likely remembers every bloody detail. And as hard as she might try,
she simply can’t imagine ever being with anyone who can look past them or
accept all of her eccentricities.”

“I can.”

“Sweetheart, I’m sure you can, but I’m not Toni.”

“Well then, what do I do?”

“First, I need to ask you something, and I want you to wait
until I’m finished before answering. All right?”

“Okay?” Laura said cautiously.

“In my profession, or should I say, in the medical
profession, there is a lot of care and nurturing that goes along with the job.
Because of that, it’s not unheard of that a doctor falls for their patient or
vice versa, and whilst you’re not a doctor and Toni is not your patient, your
relationship has quite a few similarities to that of a doctor and patient.”

Noticing Laura was about to interrupt, Abby held up her
finger to stop her. “With that being said, I need you to assure me that you’re
not trying to develop an intimate relationship with her simply because you
think by showing her that sort of affection it will make her, for the lack of
another word...better.”

“I’m not,” Laura answered quickly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Studying her friend, Abby said, “Convince me.”

Laura took a sip of wine and then placed her glass on the
table. Turning to Abby, she said, “You see her as damaged...broken, but I see
her as a survivor. She managed to get through something we can’t even begin to
fathom. I’m not blind, Abby, I know Toni has issues...and I don’t care.

“It doesn’t matter to me if Toni can’t go shopping by
herself, because all that means is that we’ll get to spend more time together
than most. I don’t care that she prefers intimate restaurants over loud,
crowded pubs, because that way I’ll never miss a word she says. If she can
never find the courage to order her own food in a restaurant, that just means
when we’re old and gray, I’ll be able to make sure she’s eating properly. And
not opening doors to strangers? Well, in this day and age, I think that’s
pretty smart. Don’t you?” Pausing for a moment, Laura said quietly, “You ask me
if I’m trying to make her better, and I wonder what you mean, because to
me...to me, she’s perfect.”

Staring back at Laura, goose bumps appeared on Abby’s arms.
“Wow.”

“You believe me now?” Laura whispered.

“Yes, I do.”

“So, what do I do?”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing you
can
do, Laura. It takes two people to make a
relationship, and even though I’m convinced Toni has feelings for you, she may
never be able to act on them.”

“That’s not what I wanted to hear.”

“I know, and I’m sorry, but as your friend, I’m not going to
lie to you. If you want Toni in your life, you’re going to have to settle for
friendship, because that’s all she may ever be able to give you.”

“So I just pretend it didn’t happen?”

“Basically, yes. She’s probably not going to be very
talkative for a while, so when you get home, if I were you, I’d just go about
doing the usual things and not say anything. When she’s ready to talk, she
will.”

“Well, that won’t be difficult, since she’s not home.”

“Oh, that’s right, you said she stormed out. Do you have any
idea where she went?”

“Yeah, Kris sent me a text. Toni showed up at her place.”

“It sounds like you weren’t the only one who needed to talk.”

***

“She did what?”

“You heard me.”

“Laura kissed you?”

“Yes.”

“On the lips?”

Exasperated, Toni said, “Would you like me to draw you a
picture?”

“Can you?” Krista asked with a gleam in her eye.

“Oh, bloody great! My world is falling apart, and
you’re
making jokes!”

“From where I’m sitting, it looks to me like your world is
improving by leaps and bounds.”

“Are you daft?”

“No, I’m not, and I’m not blind either.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hello? Toni, I may not be allowed to touch, but I can still
look, and Laura’s a fox.”

“Oh, get real, Krista.”

“You don’t think she’s attractive?”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Well, perhaps you need to explain, because I seriously don’t
see what the problem is.”

“You don’t?

“No,” Kris said, shaking her head. “Laura’s a fox. She likes
you, and you like her—”

“I
like
her as a
friend
!”

“Is that so?”

“Yes.”

“Bollocks.”

“Krista—”

“Toni, you saying that you like Laura
only
as a friend is like me saying I like chocolate
only
on occasion.”

Narrowing her eyes, Toni said, “You love chocolate. You’d eat
it all the time if you could.”

Tilting her head, Kris wiggled her eyebrows and waited for
Toni to catch up.

“I am
not
in love with
Laura MacLeod
!” Toni shouted. Jumping off the sofa,
she headed to the door. “I’m leaving. I don’t even know why I wasted my time
with you.”

Running after her, Krista grabbed Toni’s hand and pulled her
back. “Because I’m your best friend, that’s why, and you’ve never been able to
lie to me, so stop trying. Now, get your arse back on that sofa and talk to
me.”

Taking a deep breath, Toni let it out slowly as she returned
to the couch. Sinking into its cushions, she looked over at Krista and when she
saw the woman’s obnoxiously large smirk, she blurted, “What?”