Give Me a Reason (28 page)

“You tired?” Laura asked as Toni guided her to the bed. “Me,
too.”

“Good, so we’ll both get some sleep. Okay?”

“Okay!” Laura said as she sat on the edge of the bed and
patted the mattress. “You first.”

“My bed’s downstairs.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Laura purred.

“You need to lie down and get some sleep.”

“But I’m lonely,” Laura said, adding a pout for good measure.
“Stay with me. Please?”

Running her fingers through her hair, Toni sighed. “Sure.
I’ll stay until you fall asleep. How’s that?”

“Good!” Laura said, falling into her pillow. Looking up at
Toni, a lopsided smile appeared on Laura’s face. “Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“Take off my clothes.”

Laura’s words acted like a sucker punch and Toni’s lungs
emptied in a whoosh. The little black dress was tight, hugging every inch of
Laura’s torso. It was definitely not designed as sleepwear, but the thought of
assisting Laura in its removal made Toni’s heart pound in her chest.

“It’s already wrinkled. Just go so sleep.”

“Fine, I’ll do it myself,” Laura said as she sat up and
struggled to find the zip.

With a shrug, Toni walked to the door, but when she heard a
resounding thud, she turned around to see Laura sitting on the floor in a heap.

“Christ, are you all right?” she asked, rushing over.

“I hurt my bum,” Laura said with a long face.

“You’re a pain in the arse. Do you know that?” Toni said,
helping Laura get to her feet.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause I know you love me.”

Pushing those words from her mind, Toni spun Laura around by
the shoulders. Making short work of the zipper, Toni tried her best not to look
at what lay beneath the black jersey. She failed.

Against the onyx fabric, Laura’s skin looked like Chinese
porcelain, smooth, flawless and priceless, and it was all Toni could do not to
reach out and touch it. Holding her breath, Toni pushed the dress to the floor,
revealing undergarments of silk and spandex. Matching the color of the dress,
Laura’s bra was strapless, and as if she had been reading Toni’s mind, Laura
turned around...and Toni’s lungs emptied.

Contoured spandex covered in satin and edged in lace covered
Laura’s breasts, but just barely, and the underwire lifted the creamy mounds as
if they were an offering. Unconsciously licking her lips, Toni looked past the
ivory swells to the matching bikini briefs, and her heart skipped a beat at the
sight of the lace garter holding up nylons the color of charcoal.

“Like what you see?”

Brought back to reality by Laura’s voice, Toni’s head snapped
up and when she realized Laura had been watching her, her face turned scarlet.
Taking a deep breath, as she slowly exhaled she cleared her mind of things not
allowed and concentrated on the reality of things that were. Motioning toward
the bed, Toni said, “Climb in, and I’ll cover you up.”

“But I still have clothes on,” Laura said coyly, watching
intently to see Toni’s reaction. Even in a drunken stupor, when Laura saw the
look on Toni’s face, her inebriated playfulness disappeared.

Inwardly, Toni groaned as her center came to life, but within
seconds, her want was replaced by rage. Her eyes narrowed, and pointing at the
bed she growled, “Stop fucking around, Laura. You’re drunk and you need to
sober up, and I need to get some sleep. Knock this shit off and get into that
fucking bed
now
!”

Without another word, Laura climbed under the sheets, and as
Toni covered her, Laura whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Closing her eyes for a second to push back the tears, Toni
said softly, “So am I.”

Toni waited until Laura fell asleep before going back
downstairs. Hearing the kettle whistle, she went to the kitchen and made
herself a cup of tea before going in search of the other drunken woman in the
house. Noticing that the lounge was empty, but her bedroom door was ajar, Toni
peeked inside and saw Abby passed out on the bed.

“Well, I guess I know where I’m sleeping,” Toni grumbled.
After covering Abby with the quilt and grabbing her book from the nightstand,
Toni returned to the lounge, plopping down on the sofa with a sigh. Taking a
sip of tea, she opened the paperback in hopes that the words would erase
memories of a gorgeous body, marred by the love bite of another, and when that
didn’t work…she turned off the lights, settled into the cushions and cried
herself to sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Standing on the back porch of Laura’s house under a small
overhang, Toni smoked her cigarette and looked out over the garden filled with
weeds and dried leaves. Sometime during the night, the rain began, and with the
temperature dropping, signaling that autumn was here to stay, Toni’s plans to
clean and rake would have to wait. Having always lived in flats, she had never
had the need to garden, or even to learn, but books were starting to lose their
effect, and if the printed page could no longer lull her to sleep, then
exhaustion would. It had to. Last night was the first night in years when a
nightmare filled with the fractured images of men, belts and pain had found its
way to her, and she awoke covered in sweat and gasping for air.

In Thornbridge, and even in Sutton Hall, Toni had listened as
others awoke from their sleep, screaming at the images their minds created, but
literature had always protected Toni. Remembering the lines from a sonnet, the
dialogue from a play or the passages in a novel, she would fill her mind and
sleep peacefully, but that was before she met Laura. Last night, lying in the
darkness, Toni tried to concentrate on words written by authors long since
gone, but memories of a kiss had invaded her thoughts and her body. The most
basic of needs refused to lie dormant any longer, and when sleep finally came,
Toni’s mind conjured up images of gentle caresses and soft words, but then they
morphed into a nightmare filled with schisms of pain and splashes of red.

Emptying her lungs of the smoke that remained, Toni stubbed
out her cigarette and went back inside just as Abby came into the kitchen. For
a second, Toni allowed her eyes to meet Abby’s, but then she lowered hers,
walked to the counter and refilled her coffee. The night before, her fear
hadn’t taken hold. Two drunken women were hardly frightening, but a new day had
dawned, and not only was there a stranger in the house, the stranger was a
psychologist. Toni’s palms were sweating and her heart thumped hard in her
chest, but she wanted answers that only this woman could provide. Holding her
head high, she drew a slow, steady breath. “There’s coffee, if you want some,”
she said over her shoulder.

“I’d kill for some,” Abby said, slumping into a chair.

Toni filled another mug. Seeing the coffee ripple in the cup,
she steadied her hand before she turned around and held it out. “Personally, I
wouldn’t recommend that,” she said, keeping her voice low for fear it would
crack.

“Oh,” Abby said, her eyes widening as she took the mug. “Sorry.
I didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

“Of course, you didn’t.”

After taking a sip of coffee, Abby said, “I’m also sorry
about last night. It seems I took your bed without asking.”

“Not a problem. I’ve slept on the couch before.”

Toni’s expression remained blank, but Abby could feel her
anxiety. It filled the room, drowning out the noise of appliances, and even the
clock on the wall seemed to quiet its tick when Abby looked up at it. Realizing
that it was later than she had thought, she asked, “Is Laura awake?”

Leaning against the counter, Toni stared back at the woman in
the rumpled dress with the crooked sequined belt. “No. I doubt she’ll be down
before noon.”

“Understandable,” Abby said. “She did have quite a bit to
drink last night.”

Crossing her arms, Toni said, “You know, I think it’s pretty
irresponsible of you to let her get that pissed, what with you being her
best
friend and all. I would have thought you’d have
tried to slow her down.”

“You obviously don’t know what Laura’s like when she’s trying
to pretend that she’s happy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Pausing for a moment, Abby Parker considered the woman
leaning against the counter. Over the years, Laura had dated lots of handsome
men, but none of them could hold a candle to the slim, raven-haired woman
standing before her. Others may not have been able to see past the beauty of
this woman, but Abby could. Behind the soulful eyes, and masked by high
cheekbones and feminine curves, an intelligence lurked. While Toni’s question
was seemingly innocent, Abby knew better. “I don’t really need to answer that.
Do I?”

Sizing up her opponent, Toni shook her head. “No, you don’t.”

“You know, you’re not what I imagined,” Abby said, placing
her mug on the table.

With a snort, Toni walked over, yanked out a chair and sat
down. Keeping her hands under the table so Abby couldn’t see them shaking, Toni
tried to hide her fear with arrogance. Glaring back at the woman, she said, “Is
that so? Let me guess. Laura filled you in on all the gory details, and you
thought I’d be some sort of monster?”

“Actually, that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“No?”

“No. What I meant was, with what Laura’s told me about your
fear of strangers, I’m surprised you’re speaking to me right now. That’s all.”

Abby wasn’t the only one surprised, and if it wasn’t for the
fact Toni still wanted answers, she would have run from the room. Deep inside
she could feel her panic growing, but her need to know the truth kept her glued
to the chair. Toni wanted to know who had put the mark on Laura’s neck. Was
this
best
friend more than just that, or had
it been a stranger, someone who held Laura close while they danced in a smoky
pub, his mouth pressed hard against her skin, leaving behind a bruise as if to
claim her as his own?

Remembering the gruesome love bite, Toni dug deep. Leaning
back in her chair, she sneered at Abby. “What’s your point, or do shrinks only
ask
questions and never
answer
any?”

Abby had always prided herself on her patience and
compassion, two required elements for her line of work; however, the need for a
bath, toothpaste and headache tablets had got in the way, not to mention the
belt she was wearing. While the broad sequined-edged sash was fashionable,
after spending a night with it wrapped around her waist, it had become an
annoyance. Without thinking, she got to her feet, yanked it off and tossed it
on the table. Narrowing her eyes, Abby said, “Well, I can’t speak for
all
the psychologists, but this one has no problem
answering questions! What would you like to know?”

With her hands on her hips, Abby waited for an answer, but it
only took a few seconds before she realized she wouldn’t be getting one. Her
mouth dropped open, and she watched in stunned silence as Toni’s Thornbridge
persona returned.

Assuming the position of a prisoner on the verge of being
reprimanded, Toni straightened her spine, bowed her head, and as the color
drained from her face, she placed both hands on the table, palms down.

“Shit,” Abby said, reaching over to push the belt off the
table. Quickly kneeling by Toni’s side, Abby’s tone turned soothing and soft.
“Toni, it’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you. I promise.”

They were words offered for comfort, an assurance that all
would be okay, but between the belt and her words, Abby had unwittingly
transported Toni back to hell, and the result was painful to see.

As if Toni had been wearing the twin masks of theater, she
had hidden behind the first, confident and strong, but words meant to soothe
had ripped it away, revealing the tragedy that lay underneath. Abby watched in
horror as Toni’s face changed to one filled with terror, her entire body
starting to shake as she struggled to take her next breath.

“Shit,” Abby said. Jumping up, she ran in the direction of
the junk drawer.

***

“I can find something stronger, if you’d like,” Abby said,
placing a cup of tea in front of Toni.

Shaking her head, Toni wrapped her hands around the cup and
brought it to her mouth. Slowly sipping the steaming Assam, it wasn’t until she
heard Abby pull out a chair that she looked up. Pausing for only a second, Toni
said, “I suppose now’s the time when you’re going to slide me your business
card and suggest that I ring you up for an appointment. Yes?”

“No, actually I was thinking about giving you the names of a
few books you might want to read.”

“Books?”

“Yes. Both of the authors survived rather traumatic events,
and the books deal with how they learned to trust again, and to live in a world
that terrifies them.” Seeing the confused look on Toni’s face, Abby said, “Don’t
get me wrong. I do think you could benefit from some counseling, at least to
help you manage those panic attacks of yours, but soliciting patients whilst
fighting a hangover and wearing a dress I’ve slept in just doesn’t seem
professional to me. If you know what I mean?”

A hint of mirth found its way to Toni’s eyes. “We have
painkillers, if you’d like some.”

“I’d kill...um...that would be lovely. Yes.”

Retrieving the over-the-counter medication from a cabinet,
Toni handed the container to Abby, and by the time Toni returned to her chair,
Abby had already popped two white tablets into her mouth.

Quickly washing them down with warm tea, Abby capped the
bottle and placed it on the table. “Thanks.”

“I should be the one thanking you…for helping me.”

“My pleasure,” Abby said softly. “Do you mind if I ask what
brought on the attack?”

“Panic.”

Smiling, Abby said, “What I meant was, if it was because I
took off my belt, I can assure you I didn’t mean to upset you. That blasted
thing was just uncomfortable.”

“It wasn’t just that,” Toni said, pausing for a moment. “The
screws would always say ‘no one’s going to hurt you’...and then they’d beat the
shit out of me. Between that and the belt...I didn’t stand a chance.”

“Oh, God, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know,” Toni said quietly.

Toni was right. Abby didn’t know Toni’s triggers. All she
knew were the bits and pieces Laura had told her over the past few months...but
therapy starts with bits and pieces. “Can I ask you a question?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On whether you’re going to charge me or not?”

Grinning, Abby said, “It’s on the house. I promise.”

“Then go ahead.”

“Did you suffer from panic attacks before you went to
prison?”

“Never,” Toni said, staring at the cup in her hands. “The
first time was just after I got out. Krista wasn’t home, and all of a sudden it
felt like everything was closing in on me, like this massive weight was
pressing down on me. I thought I was having a heart attack, but a short time
later I...I woke up on the floor.”

“Are they always as bad as the one today?”

Toni breathed deep, letting the air out slowly as she tried
to decide whether to answer. Until this moment, she had never had the desire to
talk to a professional about her problems, but a few minutes earlier, Abby had
knelt by her side, calmly talking her back from a panic attack. Looking across
the table at the woman in the wrinkled dress and smeared makeup, Abby didn’t
look the part of a doctor. She looked like a friend, and if there was one thing
Toni knew she needed, it was friends.

“Some are worse than others,” Toni said quietly.

“And this one? How’d you rate this one on a scale from one to
ten?”

“I don’t know, maybe a seven or an eight.”

Stunned, Abby said, “But you almost passed out.”

“Yeah, well, when I pass out, those are tens.”

“You say that as if it’s nothing, but I would think something
like that would be terrifying.”

“It is, but I don’t have as many as I used to, and they’re
not nearly as bad. Laura helps a lot.”

“How so?”

“She has a way of being able to calm me down by just talking
to me, like you did, but she still carries a paper sack in her handbag just in
case that doesn’t work.”

“Well, I’ll be honest with you. I’m trained to talk someone
through one of those, but after what Laura told me about you, my first reaction
was to get a paper bag, but I couldn’t find any.”

“Laura put them in the pantry.”

“Now you tell me,” Abby said with a laugh.

Toni managed a tight-lipped smile and then lowered her gaze,
mindlessly running her finger along the edge of her teacup. “If I...if I told
you what happened to me, could you...could you help me? Could you make the
attacks go away?”

“You mean, if I saw you as a patient?”

“Yes.”

“It wouldn’t happen overnight, Toni, but yes, I think in time
they’d go away, or at the very least, you’d learn how to handle them better.”

“Oh.”

“Is that what you’d like to do? Become a patient of mine?”

“I don’t know,” Toni said, staring at the cup in her hand. “I
have trouble going places.”

“I’m sure we could figure out a way.”

Fidgeting in her chair, Toni said, “Um...if it’s all...if
it’s all the same to you, I’ll...I’ll need to think about it.”

Hearing anxiety creep into Toni’s voice, Abby said, “Look,
why don’t we just play it by ear, shall we? If you decide you’d like to talk to
me, Laura’s got my number. Okay?”

“Thanks, but I...I wouldn’t want Laura to know.”

“Can I ask why?”

“I...I don’t want her to get the wrong idea, and think that
this would somehow change things between us.”

“Don’t you want things to change?”

“No, of course not. Laura’s my friend and I’d never want that
to change.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Laura told me she kissed
you, and you kissed her back.”

“I did not!” Toni said, glaring at Abby. “That’s bollocks!
She caught me by surprise, and it just took me a minute to get things sorted. I
think of Laura as a friend and
only
a friend.”

A knowing grin spread across Abby’s face. “Nice try, but the
lady doth protest too much, methinks.” The indignant look Toni gave her in
return only added to Abby’s amusement, and fighting the urge to laugh, she
said, “Oh please, don’t even think about telling me I’m wrong.”