Give Me a Reason (24 page)

“Little did she know,” Laura said under her breath.

Stubbing out her cigarette, Eleanor said, “Yes, I always
wondered what would have happened if she’d found out that her girls had lost
their cherries at sixteen.”

“Coronary comes to mind,” Laura said with a laugh. “Oh,
speaking of Nancy, I guess I should try to schedule a day trip. Stop over and
say hello.”

“Well, if you do, you go alone.”

“I thought you liked her.”

“I do!” Eleanor said, her voice raising an octave. “But
Dorothy just had her second, and if I know Nancy, she’ll be prancing around
spouting accolades about her glorious grandchildren, and there’s only so much
of that I can take before wanting to gag.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t given you any grandchildren yet. I know
you want them,” Laura said, looking back toward the meadow.

“Yes, I do, but
I
must
apologize for always giving you such a hard time about it. Nancy just has a way
of rubbing it in my face at times,” Eleanor said, shifting in her seat. “But
you have lots of time to have children, and luckily in this day and age, there
are lots of ways for that to happen. Aren’t there?”

Watching the sunset and in awe of the colors stretching
across the sky, Laura was barely listening to what was being said, so a few
seconds passed before Eleanor’s words sunk in. Slowly turning to face her
mother, Laura whispered, “What...what did you say?”

Taking her daughter’s hand, Eleanor gave it a squeeze. “Does
she know that you’re in love with her?”

Laura’s jaw dropped open, and a dozen lame denials ran
through her mind. Their love had always been unconditional, but she couldn’t
help but think that this truth could destroy her relationship with the only
parent she knew.

Seeing her daughter’s jaw begin to quiver, Eleanor shook her
head. “There’s no need to get upset, Laura. I’m fairly certain that lesbianism
doesn’t fall under the heading of a dreaded disease. All it means is that I’ll
never have to worry about the toilet seat being left up when you two come to
visit.”

Laura’s eyes flew open, and whatever fears she had were
quickly eradicated by her confusion. Staring at her mother like the woman had
just grown another head Laura picked up the cigarettes and quickly lit one.

“I thought
you
quit ages
ago?”

“Yeah, well that was before
I
dropped a bombshell, and
you
didn’t even
blink,” Laura said, taking a deep drag of her smoke.

“Technically, I was the one who dropped the bombshell,”
Eleanor said, snagging the cigarette from Laura’s hand and stomping it out.

“Who
are
you?” Laura said,
backing away slightly as she looked at the woman. “I mean, you’re taking this
awfully well.”

“How else should I take it?” Eleanor asked. “It’s not like
you haven’t given me months to come to terms with it.”

“Months?”

“Oh, sweetheart, go back and read the emails you’ve sent to
me since Toni came into your life. It was almost as if you were asking for my
approval without saying the words. You’d go on and on about how much you liked
having her around and how much joy you felt when she’d take another step. You
were positively bursting with pride...and with love. You were with that Duane
character for over two years, and you never once spoke about him like that.”

“I just wanted you to see her how I see her. I wanted you to
like her.”

“I do, Laura,” Eleanor said softly. “She’s intelligent,
articulate and attractive, but I get a feeling that she’s also clueless as to
how you feel about her, or am I wrong?”

“No, she has no idea.”

“Can I ask why you haven’t told her?”

“I don’t know that I can.”

“Laura, if you care for this woman as much as I think you do,
you need to tell her.”

“How can I do that, Mum? She’s so afraid of being hurt
and…and of being touched.”

Raising an eyebrow, Eleanor said, “Well, you’d definitely
have to get past
that
, now wouldn’t you?”

Laura didn’t need a mirror to know her cheeks were now fire
engine red. Burying her head in her hands, she mumbled, “I can’t believe you
just said that.”

“Like I said, I’ve had lots of time to think about it,”
Eleanor said, grinning at Laura’s reaction.

“You’re really okay with this, aren’t you?” Laura said,
looking up.

Eleanor leaned back on the bench and let out a sigh. “To tell
you the truth, at first I was very upset. I mean, it’s rather shocking when you
realize that the one person in the world you thought you knew better than
anyone, you didn’t know at all.”

“Mum, I’m still me,” Laura said, leaning closer. “I haven’t
changed. I just fell in love.”

“I know, sweetheart, but you fell in love with a woman, and I
wasn’t prepared for that. I walked around in a daze for a while, and then on
one of the many nights when I couldn’t sleep, I came down here to have a talk
with God. Oh, you should have heard me, challenging him to tell me what I did
wrong. To give me a sign, so I’d understand what mistake I made in raising you,
and then a wave of shame swept over me that took my breath away.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve always thought of myself as someone without prejudice,
but there I was practically yelling at God to give me a reason, as if your love
for Toni was somehow wrong...and it’s not. I’ll be the first to admit that my
dreams for you didn’t include a woman as a partner, but if this is what you
want and Toni is
who
you want, then that’s
good enough for me. All that matters to me is that you’re happy. You’re my
daughter and I love you more than life itself, and if I never get
grandchildren, so be it.”

“I don’t know if Toni even likes children.”

“Perhaps you should ask her.”

“Oh, Mum, what am I going to do?” Laura moaned, again burying
her face in her hands. “If I tell her about how I feel, it may be too much for
her to handle. If I don’t, I’m lying by omission, and I promised her that I’d
never lie to her.”

“From what you’ve told me, you know Toni fairly well, so
you’ll know when the time’s right, and until then, I guess you’ll just have to
continue to be her friend and let God take care of the rest.”

“Do you really think God approves of this? I mean, a lot of
people think it’s wrong.”

“Do you think it’s wrong?”

“No, I don’t,” Laura said, straightening her backbone.

“Neither do I and I’d like to think, since God created all of
us…neither does he.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Where are you taking me?” Toni called out as she came to a
stop and looked up the hill.

Laura stopped and turned around. “It’s just a little
farther.”

“You said that hours ago,” Toni said, unbuttoning her coat to
pull her smokes from the inner pocket.

“It was twenty minutes ago, so stop exaggerating, put those
cigarettes away and get your arse up here,” Laura shouted as she turned and
trotted to the crest.

Glancing at the pack in her hand and then at the steep slope
in front of her, Toni dropped the cigarettes back in her pocket, took a deep
breath and began her ascent.

After having spent the last two days shopping and
sightseeing, earlier that morning when Eleanor headed back to the city to meet
a client, Laura and Toni decided to stay behind. After finishing their
breakfast, they grabbed their coats and headed out the back door. Neither
feeling the need to rush, they casually walked through the garden and past the
stand of trees, occasionally pausing to admire the view. The autumn air was
crisp, and breath could be seen, and even though the forecast called for rain
for the rest of the week, today the sun was shining brightly. Aware of the
seasons of Scotland, Laura had on her brown suede bomber jacket, worn to a
softness that money could not buy, and Toni walked the fields wearing the leather
coat she had purchased two days earlier at a store named Barley’s.

Housed in an old brick building off of a side street in
Stirling, Barley’s had been in business for over a hundred years, selling to
the locals the warmest wools and leathers needed to survive when the winter
winds began to blow. When they had entered the well-known tourist attraction,
Laura wasn’t surprised at the overcrowded conditions, and immediately grabbing
Toni’s hand, she guided her to the back of the store where racks stood filled
with leather coats of every length and design. Although unnerved by the throng
of people roaming about, flanked by Laura and Eleanor, Toni’s anxieties
eventually calmed, and within an hour, they had walked out of Barley’s with her
wearing a thigh-length black leather coat.

“It’s about time,” Laura said, placing her hands on her hips
as Toni finished her climb.

Unbuttoning her coat to allow the breeze to cool her body,
Toni was about to reply when she noticed her surroundings and her eyes opened
wide. Before her, overflowing with greenery, heather and tall wisps of tan
grass were the rolling hills and meadows of Carron Bridge. A short stone wall,
as old as the castles that filled the country, separated one field from the
next, and a narrow river flowed over rock beds as it lazily wound its way
through the countryside. As Toni gazed out over the scenery, she smiled to
herself. All that was missing was the sound of bagpipes.

“This is amazing,” Toni said.

“I thought you’d like it,” Laura said, looking up at her.
“When Mum bought the house, I came up to help her move, and one day we went for
a walk and found this place. We ended up spending half the day here just
enjoying the view.”

“It’s marvelous.”

Hearing Laura move away, Toni turned and said, “I’d like to stay
here for a bit, if that’s all right with you?”

“I was just going to pull up a rock and sit down. Care to
join me?” Laura said, pointing to a large boulder protruding from the ground.

Pleased that they didn’t have to leave, Toni went over and
sat down next to Laura, smiling as she felt the warmth radiating from the
smooth stone beneath her. In unison, their eyes returned to the picturesque
landscape, and they watched as the grass swayed in the gentle breeze.

Listening to the sound of the water as it rippled over the
stones in the riverbed, Toni filled her lungs to their fullest with the fresh
air. Glancing at Laura for a second, she whispered, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

Pausing for a moment, Toni picked up a blade of grass,
rolling it in her fingers as she thought about the words she wanted to say.
“Where do I start?” she said quietly. “For bandaging my arm and not taking no
for an answer. For being patient when most would have probably walked away, for
giving me a place to stay where I feel safe...and for bringing me here. I’d
forgotten that places like this exist outside the pages of a book.”

“You’re quite welcome,” Laura said, the sun paling in
comparison to the glow on her face.

Looking in Laura’s direction, Toni said, “You look a lot like
your mum. You’ve got her eyes.”

“Yeah, but I don’t have her height. Damn it!”

Grinning, Toni asked, “Can I ask where your father is?”

“He preferred fishing over family. They got divorced before I
was two.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“No need to be. Mum and I did just fine.”

“So you never see him?”

“Sometimes I do. When I go to visit his sister, Nancy, a lot
of times he’s over there for dinner, so we chat.”

“Must be awkward.”

“No, not really, just different,” Laura said with a shrug. “I
mean, I know he’s my father, but it feels more like he’s an uncle or just a
friend of the family. When I was a kid, I thought I had done something wrong
because he didn’t want anything to do with me, but my mum explained that there
are just some people not cut out to be parents, and he was one of them. I
didn’t really buy it, but I wasn’t about to argue, and then a few years ago I
ran into him at my cousin’s house. It was the first time we’d actually really
sat down and talked. He asked about my job and how I was doing. It was nice,
but then the kids woke up from their nap, and he became this bumbling, nervous
man. He was
so
out of his element, and that’s
when I realized that my mum was spot on. He just doesn’t like kids.”

“Do you? Like kids, I mean.”

“Yes, I do. How about you?”

“They’re okay, I guess,” Toni said, turning her attention
back to the meadow.

“What’s wrong?”

“I suppose now you want to know all about my family”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

Shaking her head, Toni laughed. “When has
that
ever stopped you?”

When Laura didn’t answer, Toni turned and found green eyes
smiling back at her, and as much as she tried, Toni couldn’t help but return
the look. “I’ll never in my life understand how you can get me to talk about
things that I really don’t want to talk about,” she said. “It truly is aggravating.”

“I prefer to think of it as a gift,” Laura said, her cheeks
turning rosy as she tried to suppress a laugh.

Fumbling in her pocket for her cigarettes, Toni said, “There
really isn’t that much to talk about, actually. My parents were rather
well-off, so I grew up with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth. We lived
in Surrey in a pretentious Tudor home surrounded by acres of gardens, tennis
courts and stables, and my education was very formal and
very
expensive. It was the ideal life, until I came
home from university to tell them I was gay.”

“I take it that didn’t go so well?”

“My father was shocked. My mother was mortified and my
sister…my sister was appalled. It wasn’t long after that when my dad pulled me
aside to inform me that I was to keep my depravity to myself and never bring
the subject up again. My mother turned to drink, trying to drown her shame in
vodka and my sister decided she’d shag anything in trousers just to prove she
wasn’t like me. Three people who I thought I knew, and I loved with all my
heart, turned into strangers.

“I went back to college, naively thinking they’d change or
adapt or at least try to understand, but that didn’t happen. I’m not even sure
if it was intentional or just a knee-jerk reaction, but the next time I went home,
it felt like I wasn’t welcome there any longer. The staff smiled and said good
morning, showing me more common courtesy than my own family, all of whom seemed
to have disappeared behind their bedroom doors. I sat alone in a dining room
large enough for twenty eating my breakfast and trying not to cry. They were my
family and I loved them, but what they wanted from me, I couldn’t give them. I
couldn’t take back the truth. So, the next morning I left without even saying
goodbye, and they never called to ask why. I went through the rest of my years
at school like an orphan. They never called or sent a letter...not even a
birthday card, but as they say, life goes on, and I had a good one until it all
went to shit...and they still didn’t call. During my remand, the trial, the
prisons...they never once tried to contact me. Toward the end of my second year
in Thornbridge, my father died from an aneurysm, and if it hadn’t been for
Krista seeing it in the newspaper, I’d never have known.”

“I’m so sorry,” Laura said placing her hand on Toni’s knee.
“I don’t know what else to say.”

“Well, that’s a first.” Stubbing out her cigarette, Toni
stood and offered her hand to Laura. “How about we continue our walk and talk
about something else? This is a great day, and I don’t want to ruin it. Okay?”

Taking Toni’s hand, Laura got up and gestured toward the
meadow. “Lead the way.”

“I don’t know where I’m going.”

Squeezing Toni’s hand, Laura said, “That’s okay. Together
we’ll find our way.”

***

Eleanor arrived home late in the afternoon and immediately
informed Laura and Toni she was taking them out to dinner. After suggesting
they wear the new clothes they had bought for each other in Stirling, as the
two women disappeared up the stairs, Eleanor sauntered to her room. Repairing
her makeup in front of the bathroom mirror, she began to snicker.

While Toni seemed to prefer casual clothes for herself, when
her assignment had been to buy something for Laura, casual seemed to be the
last
thing on her mind. Surprising Eleanor, she had
skipped over simple cardigans and strode past shelves filled with cashmeres
until she ended up amongst racks filled with silk blouses. Pushing aside the
whites and the beiges, Toni stopped at the reds, and carefully inspecting each,
she finally held up one to get Eleanor’s opinion. Delighted by the blouse Toni
had chosen, Eleanor promptly led her to the register. There was no reason to
look any longer.

After touching up her makeup, Eleanor returned to the kitchen
to make some tea while she was waiting for Toni and Laura, but before the water
had a chance to boil, she heard someone come down the stairs. Turning as Toni
walked in, Eleanor said, “Oh my, don’t you look lovely.”

The compliment bringing more than a hint of red to her face,
Toni ran her hands down the sleeves of the top Laura bought for her. Made of
soft jersey, the gathered knit hugged her torso like a glove, flattering every
curve along the way, and the diagonally crossed neckline plunged lower than
anything Toni had worn in years. Smoky blue in color, it complemented Toni’s
straight-legged black trousers and knee-high polished boots perfectly.

“Thanks, but can I ask you a favor?”

“Of course, dear.”

“There’s a tag in the back that’s bothering me, but I don’t
have any scissors.”

“No worries,” Eleanor said, pulling a pair from a drawer.
“Turn around and let me take care of that.”

Toni turned, and Eleanor busied herself cutting off the
manufacturer’s label, hesitating for a split-second when a few of Toni’s scars
came into view. Her eyes clouded over with tears, but blinking them away,
Eleanor finished the task at hand and patted Toni on the shoulder. “There you
go, dear. All gone.”

“Thanks,” Toni said, rubbing her neck.

“Can I make an observation?” Eleanor asked as she returned
the scissors to the drawer.

“Sure.”

“You’re quite a lovely woman, and I was wondering why you
never seem to wear any makeup. I mean, you don’t need to. Lots of women don’t,
but with those cheekbones of yours and that black hair, a bit of highlighting
would be simply marvelous.”

“I...I used to wear some,” Toni said, a quick frown crossing
her face. “To tell you the truth, I almost bought some the other day, but
things got a bit hectic, and I didn’t want to bother you or Laura with it.”

“It wouldn’t have been a bother.”

Hanging her head, Toni said softly, “I feel stupid having to
ask for help all the time.”

“From what I’ve observed these past few days, Toni, you are
anything but stupid. It takes a special person—a
strong
person—to know their limitations, and from what Laura’s told me, you’ve made
great strides in the past several months. Rome wasn’t built in a day, young
lady, and you need to remember that!”

Warmed by her words, Toni looked up. “I’ll try.”

Thinking for a moment, Eleanor reached over and took Toni’s
hand. “Come with me. I’ve got an idea.”

Following the woman through the house, a minute later Toni
was standing in Eleanor’s bedroom while the woman rummaged through a cabinet.
Pulling out a small wicker basket, she handed it to Toni. “I’ve got a friend
who sells cosmetics, and she’s forever giving me free samples. Why don’t you
take a look in there, and I’ll go make us some tea?”

Before Toni had a chance to answer, Eleanor kissed her on the
cheek, and as she walked from the room, she said, “And take your time, dear. If
there’s one thing you’re probably well aware of living with my daughter, it’s
that Laura always runs late.”

***

Standing in front of the cheval glass in the corner of her
room, Laura gazed at her reflection as she fastened the last button of her new
top. The blouse wasn’t what she had expected, and it was more than Laura could
have hoped for. The red silk shimmered in the light, and strategically placed
darts snugged the fabric just enough to make a difference, making a simple
blouse anything but. Feminine, soft and definitely sexy, the front dipped low,
held closed by three oversized brass buttons, and the long sleeves were loose
and flowing. Thankful that she had brought along a skirt, she pulled up the
zip, fastened the gold buckle of her belt and then smiled at the result.
Zipping up her black boots, Laura glanced once more in the mirror before
heading downstairs.