Goodbye Secrets (The Lost & Found Series book #2) (35 page)

“Well, anyway ... there he was, looking to dig! Only, he didn’t realize you were within earshot. Neither of us did. You basically came up to me like we were shopping together and asked me if I was ready to go,” he says with a laugh. “Oh, the look at that asshole’s face as we sauntered up to the register was priceless.”

“Yeah I remember. You were all over me the whole time in line, all touchy-feely.” I imitate him with the wiggly fingers.

“There’s just something about you, babe ... makes a man want to touch and feel you.” His hand travels from my knee up my inner thigh.

“Stop right there, McNeil!” I tap his hand.

“I tried to get touchy-feely with you outside as well. I really had my hopes up that night. It felt so good to kiss you again.” He kisses my cheek.

“I felt bad for leading you on, but I didn’t like what Will was saying to you and I didn’t like how he was getting toward me.” I notice how small my hands are in Ray’s.

“I was just glad that you were willing to let me back into your life. Even though I had to promise not to pressure you and that we were strictly friends. I missed you—I would’ve walked across hot coals for you. I still would.” He spins his empty water bottle around on the coffee table. I stop him.

“So, what’s next?” The atmosphere has changed somewhat in the room. We’re getting close to the end of all my forgotten memories. I’m pretty sure he’s wondering what is going to happen once we’re done here.

“We stayed at the inn for Christmas. I had my own room, but I didn’t stay in it.” Ray stands up and starts stretching. He lowers the heat on the fireplace.
Nervous energy.

“Feel like a jog, Ray?” He’s not a jogger, but that’s what he does when he gets like this.

“Yeah, babe, I do.” He smiles sheepishly. I know him. He loves that I know him. “Do you remember waking up next to me Christmas Day?” He sits back down. My eyes scan the room. Apparently, that’s supposed to help me retrieve this memory. Not working! I look down at the chocolate-brown Berber office carpet. Hmm.

“No, what happened?” I glance over.

“Um, nothing, actually. You woke up and asked me what I was doing in your bed. After you unraveled yourself from my death grip, of course.”

“Why were you in there?” I ask.

“The truth, or the reason I told you?” He chuckles.

“Both.”

“I told you I wasn’t comfortable in the other bed and after a few hours I gave up and joined you. The real reason should be obvious, babe.” He taps my nose with his finger and pecks my lips.

“I guess it is. Did I flip out?”

“No.” His eyes widen.

“That’s weird. Was I, as you like to call it,
on
?”

I head to the bathroom in the office and pray it’s set up. Ahh, yes! My bladder and I are grateful.

“I can hear you!” I shout.

“No, you weren’t
on
. You were kind of like,
whatever
,” he yells. I wash my hands and wipe them on my shirt.
I prayed for running water, not towels.

“So, next?” I come out to find him sprawled on the couch again. His jeans are a faded medium blue, relaxed in the legs. They sit low on his waist. I can see his happy trail peeking out from between his shirt and waistband. His arms are beneath his head, biceps accentuated under the short-sleeve blue T-shirt he’s wearing. God, he’s fucking hot! I have such a strong desire to snuggle up to him (amongst other things ... ahem).

“Admiring the masterpiece?” he teases.
Ugh! You have no idea!
These hormones are driving me crazy!

“Always.” I sit on the edge.

“Lay with me, baby.” He stretches his arm out for me to rest on. I decide I should rest—being pregnant and all. I lay down. His hand immediately caresses my belly. Why does he keep touching me there? Does he know? Can he tell? “Theme song?”

“No.” I sigh and count the number of recessed lights.

“Running out of songs, baby?” His hand slowly heads toward my breast.

“Stop.” I grab his hand.

“Or what, baby? What are you going to do?” He gives me a playful smile.

“Probably enjoy it, then get pissed about it.” I close my eyes in defeat and let go of his hand. He slides it back down to my stomach. “Next, please.” I sigh, a bit disappointed.

“It was New Year’s Eve. I was in a pretty shitty mood. Annie and I came over for Chinese, and we went around the table and said our New Year’s resolutions, as usual. Mine was to have more fun. I decided to start that night!”

“Carl called you,” I interrupt.

“Yes. Go ahead, then. I’ll lie here contemplating all the different ways to turn you on with my touch—aggravating the piss out of you.” He smirks and walks his fingers up my side. I can’t help laughing.

“Hey, babe,
Carl just called me. Can you watch Annie?” he asked as I poured popcorn into a big bowl for all of us to snack on. The girls were waiting in the lounge for us to watch a movie before watching the ball drop.

“Why? What’s the matter? Is he okay?” I was worried. Carl wouldn’t pull Ray away from us on New Year’s Eve unless something had happened.

“No. I want to meet him for drinks. Brooke is at the pub asking for me, so I kinda want to see her, too.” He tilts his head and winces a bit, seemingly unsure.

“Brooke who?” Oh no! A flicker of jealousy stirred in me.

“Actually, I don’t know her last name. I only met her a few weeks ago. She’s home from college, visiting her parents. Will you watch Annie for me?” He put his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.

“College, Ray? Aren’t you a little too old for her?” I snapped, my voice more forceful than I intended.

“She’s legal, she’s fucking cute as hell, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get some. That’s all I care about right now. I have needs, Becca. Unless you want to meet them, baby, I will go somewhere else.” He backed me up to the counter. “Well? Do you want to meet them? Or should I go?” We were nose to nose, and I felt my breath catch. His hands held my hips. I wanted to tell him to stay. I would meet his needs.

“Go,” is what I said instead.

“What?” He seemed to have lost his breath.

“You heard me.” I looked down to the black and white tiled floor.

“You want me to go and fuck somebody else?” he asked angrily.

“I don’t want you to fuck me!” I was mad as hell. Mostly because I knew I was lying.

“I have fucked you—more times than I can count!” Oh, he was pissed!

“Get off of me,” I hissed.

“Make me.” He smirked before he grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth. I tried to push him away, but he pinned my arms. “Tell me you want me.” His request stirred something deep inside me. That, and the way he nipped and kissed down my neck and back up again. “Tell me this is still mine,” he whispered in my ear as he let go of my arm and ran his hand underneath the band of my PJs—directly between my legs. He caressed me there purposefully. “Tell me it’s mine,” he said again. His fingers circled my opening then darted in. “Oh, baby, I think I found my answer.”

I felt so many things in that moment. I couldn’t quite sort them out. Betrayal. Hurt. Disgust. Confusion. Familiarity. Want. Need. I laid my head on my free hand that rested in defeat on his shoulder and cried.

“Come for me, baby,” Ray commanded. “Come on.” He worked harder. I wasn’t even close. It felt all wrong. I felt violated.

“Please stop, please.” I raised my head to look into his eyes. He leaned forward to kiss me. I pulled my head back. He stared into my eyes—stormy ocean to emerald sea. I felt my chin quivering. Slowly he pulled his fingers out and his hand away.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, baby.” He hugged me. I just stood there. “Please forgive me.” He held me at arm’s length.

“They’re waiting for their popcorn.” I felt numb, melancholy. I wiped away my tears, pushed Ray to the side, and grabbed the bowl of popcorn. When I walked out to bring it to them, Hazel was sitting with them.

“What’s wrong, Becca? Were you crying?” Hazel asked quietly near my ear. She took my arm.

“No. Don’t come too close, Hazel, I just got sick.” I lied because I wanted a good reason to just be able to go to bed.

“Oh no! Do you think it was the food?” she asked. I just shook my head. “Okay, sweetie. Go on, I’ll take care of the girls.” She rubbed my arm.

“Girls, I’m going to say good night, but I can’t kiss you—I just got sick.” I glanced at Ray. He diverted his eyes, looking ashamed. The girls complained a little, but then started the movie. That was my cue to exit stage left and up the stairs.

“Becs ... baby.” Ray sighed behind me. I turned around to look at him.

“I want nothing to do with you. It’s over! Our friendship is over! Don’t use the girls for leverage, either. Find someone else to take Annie after school. I’m done!” My voice shook and my tears fell, but I was as stern as I could be.

“Whatever—see you tomorrow, baby.” He smirked, turned, and left.

“Ray, you asshole!” I elbow him.

“Well, this asshole sat outside your door for two hours listening to you cry and dying to go in to make it all better. God, I felt like a selfish pig. That was so not me. But I was mad. I couldn’t even read your body language. I just wanted you to give in.” He traces my jawline with his index finger.

“Did I forget? Duh ... never mind.” I laugh and turn to him. He raises his head to look down into my eyes, then palms my cheek.

“I am sorry I behaved that way, baby. I don’t like when I do anything that hurts you.” He softly pecks my lips and nudges my nose with his. I move closer to encourage another kiss.

“I’m sorry, too. Next please.”
I try to steady my breath.

“Valentine’s Day. You had the flu, then pneumonia.”

“Ray, I remember that. You took care of me the whole time. Surely we didn’t have sex then?” I turn my head to him.

“No. I hated that you were so sick, but I love the memory. It wasn’t like the riding accident. There were no pain pills. There was no wine. There was just me and you, and you needed me. You gave into that need. I don’t know how to describe it, but you allowed yourself to be comfortable with me. It was a glimpse of ... real. There was no flipping out over intimate moments. I slept in bed with you every night and you woke to me being there. No flipping out. Kisses didn’t get a ‘Ray, don’t’—not that I was trying to make out with you or anything
.
” His index finger slides gently over my lips. I kiss it.

“I remember how much better I felt with you there. You were so good to me, Ray. You didn’t take any of my shit, either. You were the only one who could get me to eat. You made sure we did everything Dr. Peto said. It was cute. You were cute. You let me fall asleep against your chest every night because I couldn’t get the right angle with pillows. I know your back was killing you after a few days.” I turn on my side toward him, then run my left hand through his hair. I kiss his forehead, each of his eyelids, and his nose. “I wish I had loved you better ... I should have,” I say softly before I collect his lips.

“Make up for it now, baby. Come back to me.” He holds my chin.

“Is
Star Trek
next?” I ask.

“Yes!” he snaps, and lets go.

“Then my birthday?” He nods. “Then ... what?” I rest my head on his arm again.

“I wanted to see Patricia with you, but you didn’t want me to go. We fought about it, but I couldn’t get through to you without explaining what was going on. I had already tried that several times. So, um ...” He rubs his face.

“What?” I ask with a smidge of irritation. He is taking too long.

“So I made an appointment for myself.”

“Why?” I give him my award-winning look of confusion ... well, it should be, anyway.

“Becca, for the most part, we’ve been together for five years. That’s a long time to put up with what I’ve been putting up with.”

“Yeah, but with HIPPA laws ... and those aside, you’re not my husband. She couldn’t discuss me with you unless I signed a release.”

“Becs, I know that! And I
should
be your husband!”

I don’t blame him for his irritation—I wouldn’t have been this calm.