Goodbye Secrets (The Lost & Found Series book #2) (37 page)

“Why is that funny?” I grab his chin and shake his face lightly.

“I’m always amazed when we do something for the ‘first’ time. It really does feel that way, like we’re teenagers awkwardly experimenting with each other. It’s sweet, but pretty funny. We did make it up to my room that day, but only got as far as getting our shirts off.” He starts laughing again. “You said to me while I was biting at your nipple, ‘McNeil ... I can’t believe we’re doing this!’ Like it was our first time ... well, I guess it was for you, huh, Lucy? Then you said, ‘Ray, why aren’t you announcing that you’re on second base?’ God, you crack me up, babe!” He chuckles.

“Well you’re always announcing when I come in from left field, like a sportscaster!” I laugh with him.

“I said, ‘I’m waiting to announce the home run.’ You said, ‘Oh yeah, McNeil? You think you’re gonna get a home run?’ I stopped and looked up at you. I said, ‘I have you in my life, baby ... I’ve already won the World Series.’”

I lean forward and kiss him.

“That was so sweet, Ray. Only you could make sports talk romantic.”

“You said something like that that day. We got back into a groove then, as if on cue, Annie got home from school and yelled up the stairs to let me know. We were rushing around like a couple of teenagers trying not to get caught. We didn’t even realize how late it had gotten. Needless to say, I was very disappointed. But Annie was so excited to find you there. She immediately started reporting her day to you—something that’s like pulling teeth when it’s me asking. You sat right down and took her book bag so you could see her school folder and go over her homework. It was like you were her mom and did this every day.” Ray is getting a bit teary-eyed—a rare occurrence. He’s much more of a “let it roll off of his back” kind of guy. I know I’m the cause of his uncharacteristic behavior ... I feel bad.

“Well, I mean, I didn’t give birth to her, but she definitely feels like a second daughter to me. I have been helping you with her for the past five years. She comes over after school a lot. She’s a wonderful girl, Ray. You’ve done a great job. You should be proud of yourself.”

“
We’ve
done a great job,” he corrects me, patting my bum. “Becca, I’m sorry I haven’t been as carefree and natural with Morgan over the years. I try to take notice, but I’m usually too late. Annie notices and reminds me, which, I guess, means Morgan notices,” he says, unsure.

“Oh yeah, she’s noticed big time. It doesn’t make her feel very good. You don’t make her feel special at all. You act as if she’s just Annie’s friend and it’s your turn for carpool.” I sit up and swing my legs around to face forward. “Then you lie to me! I ask you how Morgan did, and you say
good
, but I found out that you never ask about Morgan at all! You know, Ray, you always talk about Annie not having a mother and how I’ve really been there for her. You would think that would push you to be more of a father figure to Morgan. She’s had the opposite problem of Annie, but you never seem to be sensitive to that! I know our own child is our priority and first focus, but goddamn it, Ray! I never let Annie feel like she’s not top priority with me!” I stand up and do the walking around now.

“You’re right, Becs. I’m really sorry. I do love Morgan like she’s mine, though. I’ve missed her. She’s so much like you, Becca. She has your quick wit and sarcasm. She’s so smart and creative. She’s a wonderful friend to Annie, and a loving, genuine little girl.” He walks toward me.

“No, don’t touch me!” I back away from him.

“Becca, I’m sorry! At the end of the day, I’m a guy! We’re programmed differently! I don’t think to do the things you do.” He runs his hand through his hair.

“Grayson does! Since day one he has made her feel important, loved, and special.” I shrug my shoulders and smirk, knowing I’ve blown his theory out of the water.

“Grayson doesn’t have any other children to think of!” he yells. “I’m all Annie has—she is my top priority!”

“If that’s how I thought and acted, Annie and I wouldn’t be so attached to each other! By the way, McNeil, you should make up your mind. Is it that Annie only has you, or is it that Annie has both of us? You sure keep flip-flopping on that!” I get in his face. Ray charges, backing me up to the wall. His left hand crooks around my neck and his right grasps my hip. We’re nose to nose.

“That’s a question only you can answer, baby. Does she have both of us?” He runs his lips over mine—teasing me. “Well, baby? Us?” he asks again.

“Was that our last memory?” I ignore his question.

“No ... there’s one more. Answer me, Becca, please.” His lips caress the corner of my mouth and move across my jawline. He massages my bum purposefully with his free hand.

“I want my last memory.” I try to remain calm.

“And I want my answer!” he yells in my face.

“Forget it ... don’t tell me. It’s time to leave.” I sigh.
I’ve had enough.

“No ... it was that weekend.” He sighs, defeated. “My parents took both of the girls to the Cape with them. They’ve done that the past few years.” He looks into my eyes to see if I recollect. I nod. “I asked you to come over to hang out. I could see that your switch was not going to be flipped naturally, so ... ” he pauses, taking in a deep breath. “I slipped you the other half of the pill. We made love all night. I didn’t bother redressing us.”

“Did I flip out?” I stare into the storm.

“That’s an understatement. You woke up panicked. I pretended to still be asleep. You kept saying ‘Shit, shit, shit!’ under your breath and holding your head. You looked around for something to wear, but could only reach my T-shirt. You threw it on, got up, and grabbed your clothes. ‘You look cute in my shirt, baby,’ I said, trying to calm you down. You went all doe-eyed on me. ‘Come back to bed.’ I held my hand out to you. You ignored me and ran into the bathroom. I heard you start the shower, so I decided to join you. I was done with all of the pretending shit. Come on, baby.” He grabs my hand and leads me back to the couch. I sit forward, not allowing him to pull me to him.

“Okay, so, I went in and walked into the shower behind you. You were crying. ‘Becs, come on, baby. Why are you crying?’ I rubbed your back. You jumped. ‘Get out! I don’t even remember what happened!’ you yelled. I said, ‘Baby, we made love ... like, all night. Why are you so upset?’ This time, you screamed at me. ‘I don’t remember it and you didn’t even use protection, Ray! What the hell is the matter with you?’ I told you I never use it with you because you’re on the Pill. You said you stopped the Pill two months earlier. Then, I guess after you thought about what I said, you went wild. Hitting me and cursing me out.”

“What was I saying?”

“Well, you accused me of getting you drunk and taking advantage of you. You had no memory of any time we’ve ever had sex. So, of course, I laid into you ... and not in the way I like to lay into you, baby.” He chuckles and taps my left arm with the back of his hand. I don’t bite. I’m still pissed about our whole Morgan conversation, and the fact that he used ecstasy on me twice.

“You got out and dressed. I followed you all the way outside, naming all of the times we’d been together. You got into your truck, but it wouldn’t start. We tried jumping it, but the battery was completely dead. So I drove you home. I didn’t want you to go. I wanted to work everything out. You just screamed at me the whole way. It was nasty, and we didn’t talk again until the day I came here and met Grayson. When his secretary called and asked me about your property, I thought it was odd. I was nervous that something was wrong, that you had to sell or that you were going to move. I don’t know. I was all over the place. That’s why I went rushing right to you. Then I saw that you two were together, and I don’t know how I was able to keep myself from falling apart right then and there. Maybe the years of pretending with you paid off. I had to leave the office, though. I couldn’t bear watching you kiss him. That’s why I interrupted.” He rests his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.

“Ray ... I am truly sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I wish I could make it all better.”

“You can, baby. Tell me it wasn’t all for nothing. Tell me I didn’t throw away five years of my life. You love me, Becs. We have a family. I want to grow that family with you.” He grabs my hand.

“Ray, I can’t be with you. I’m marrying Grayson ... if he’ll still have me. I’m ... I’m having Grayson’s baby,” I finally spit out.

“Becca, you are having my baby. Not Grayson’s.” Ray sighs.

“No, Ray. It’s not yours. I’m only eight weeks.” I turn to him. He shakes his head in disagreement. Maybe it’s just plain denial. He rubs his face and stands up. I get up as well. “I’m moving to California,” I add.

“No, you are not! You are
mine
—he can’t have you!” he says through his teeth.

“I’m really sorry.” I try to hug him, feeling tears sting my eyes.

“You didn’t know, baby. It’s not your fault. But you know now. Here, I’ve been working on this for a while. I was up all night finishing it.” He goes over to his coat and pulls out a DVD.

“What’s on here?” I grab it and look at him sideways.

“You’ll see, baby. I hope ... I hope you’ll really see. I love you, Becca.” He kisses my forehead, then grabs my coat and helps me into it. I slide the DVD into my pocket. Ray fists the two zippered sides of my coat and pulls me to him. I don’t fight. I give him the best good-bye kiss I can muster.

“Theme song—‘A Drop in the Ocean’ by Ron Pope,” Ray says quietly. He turns the fireplace off, then takes my hand and opens the door. It’s chilly in the rest of the building. We walk past the scaffolding and plastic sheets. “Are you going to tell him what went on in there?” he asks as he opens the door to the outside.

“Yes, I am.”

“
Everything?
”

“Yes, Ray, everything.”

“He’ll leave you ... then what? You’ll call me? You know, Becca, I just went down memory lane too. I think five years is way more than anybody would put up with. I should be the
only
choice—not the second! You have a lot to think about, babe.” I can hear in his voice that he’s trying not to be angry.

It’s an odd situation. I have this deep, long, loving history with Ray that, until today, I had no recollection of. The past three months I have been building this amazing, crazy, and complicated relationship with Grayson. I’m out of my mind in love with him, and obviously, I’ve been mentally present for the whole experience. I do have a lot to think about.

I have not been myself for three months now. For seven years, I had no concrete relationship—at least, not one I was aware of. The moment I step into one, awkward from being out of practice, insecure about my past, and faced with the whirlwind that is Grayson James, I get hit with Ray and my past, both forgotten and unforgotten. I can’t help but wonder what the hell happened to me. I got swallowed up by this huge shitstorm I did not ask for. Suddenly, I’ve lost my identity as Ashland’s “Sweetheart.” Now I’m indecisive, irrational, impulsive, and an emotional mess. I want to go back into my bubble ... but that bubble, that self-protective covering, is a lot of the reason I’ve gone wild.

It’s like going on a diet. Then, one day, there it is right in front of you—that deliciously rich, sweet, baked goodness that won’t take no for an answer. You say,
Oh, I’ll just cheat a little,
but you’ve deprived yourself for so long that you eat the whole piece plus two more, wash it down with chips and dip, and, since you’ve already done a number, you shrug and drink a large glass of chocolate milk or soda.
Tomorrow I will go back on my diet,
you think. But, alas,
tomorrow
doesn’t arrive for another six months and thirty pounds—fifteen pounds past the fifteen pounds you lost depriving yourself in the first place. Vicious cycle! Apparently, sex is like chocolate cake ... or, to me, Tiramisu. I’ve gained two men, a baby, and title of town whore, at least in my mind!

The worst part is that I’ve been hurting these two amazing, wonderful men. No, this is not me! Maybe I’m just not meant to have my happy ending. I don’t deserve the love of either of them.

Ray and I approach the door of The Mad Scrapper. I look at my phone. Lunchtime. I honestly felt like we were gone longer than three hours.

“Becs, I can’t let you go. I’m in love with you. I believe in you. I know you are going to wake up and figure this all out. You’ll come to me, baby. I know you will. I will wait. I’ll pick Annie up tomorrow.” He touches my cheek and grazes my lips lightly with his. “I love you so much, baby ... please.”

A sob escapes my throat as I turn away and run into the store.