Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (11 page)

It’s easy to understand why perpetrators of
sexual abuse feel guilty or ashamed. They willfully violated
another human being. They went against the morals and standards
that most of us hold dear. They placed themselves and their own
selfish needs above all other considerations. Certainly, their
actions caused lifelong suffering for the ones they abused. Their
shame and guilt are logical.

But why would we blame ourselves? I believe
it is because we suffer from low self-esteem. Some of us may have
felt good about ourselves before we were abused. But over time, our
self-esteem was transformed into self-loathing.

People with low self-esteem blame themselves
for whatever bad things happen in their lives. When good things
happen to them, they give credit to someone else or to
circumstances beyond their control. People with low self-esteem
take all of the blame but none of the credit.

When we truly believe in our self-worth, we
do not blame ourselves for the behavior of others. Instead, we
allow them to take responsibility for their own actions. In this
way, a person with high self-esteem sees the world more clearly
than a person with low self-esteem.

A person with high self-esteem might say, “I
was sexually abused as a child because my father was an alcoholic.
He was very cruel. There was nothing I could do to prevent his
abuse. I am a good person, despite what he did to me.”

This person sees her abuse in a clear way.
She assigns blame where it is due, and understands that being
sexually abused cannot affect her basic worth as a person.

In contrast, a person with low self-esteem
might say, “I was sexually abused as a child because I wasn’t good
enough. If only I had been a better son, maybe my mother wouldn’t
have raped me. I’m a worthless piece of garbage.”

This second person sees his abuse in a
twisted, emotional way. He unfairly assumes responsibility for the
actions of his abuser.

One of the paradoxes of sexual abuse is that
we need healthy self-esteem in order to heal. Yet the longer and
more severely we are abused, the lower our self-esteem can fall. As
a result, those of us who were sexually abused the worst may have
the hardest time developing enough self-esteem to overcome the pain
of our past.

Some of us were hurt so badly that we lost
touch with reality. We stopped seeing ourselves or our lives
objectively and began to substitute “emotional reasoning.” Some of
the thinking errors that result from emotional reasoning include
the following:

1. “I feel bad, therefore I am bad.”

2. “I was sexually abused, therefore I
deserve to be sexually abused.”

3. “I was not loved by my abuser, therefore I
do not deserve to be loved by anyone.”

4. “I was treated like a bad person,
therefore I am a bad person.”

5. “I was told that the abuse was my fault,
therefore the abuse was my fault.”

6. “I had bad relationships in the past, so I
will have bad relationships in the future.”

7. “I was emotionally abused, therefore I
deserve to be emotionally abused.”

8. “I was hurt, therefore I deserve to be
hurt.”

Emotional reasoning is circular logic; it
makes no sense. As human beings, we try to define truth by learning
from our experiences. We observe what happens to us and arrive at
certain conclusions. Sometimes those conclusions are correct, and
other times they are completely wrong.

“I grew up in a poor family, so I’m a loser.
I was sexually abused as a child, so all I’m good for is sex. My
parents never loved me, so I am unlovable. I never had a good life,
so I will always be miserable.”

Beliefs like this are the product of past
experience. They are the result of associations and perceived
connections. Some of us can think all day long without engaging in
a single, logical, rational thought.

We do not always see our past, present, or
future clearly. Instead, we remember the trauma and react with
emotion. When we are extremely emotional, our thoughts may begin to
serve our emotions.

If our emotion is depression, we imagine all
the reasons we should feel depressed. If our emotion is fear, we
dwell on whatever things may go wrong in our lives. If our emotion
is shame, we try to come up with logical explanations for why we
should feel ashamed. If our emotion is guilt, we invent reasons to
blame ourselves for the abuse.

Low self-esteem and emotional reasoning
reinforce one another. It’s important to remember that our
observations can often lead to the wrong conclusions.

Yes, we were sexually abused. No, we don’t
deserve to be abused. No one deserves to be sexually abused.

Yes, we were not loved by our abusers, but we
still deserve love. For goodness sake, everyone deserves love!

We were told that the abuse was our fault,
but the only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.

We were treated as if we were bad children,
but what is a bad child? Isn’t every child capable of goodness and
love?

We had destructive relationships, but we can
still create healthy ones in our lives today. We deserve loving,
supportive, and trustworthy parents, partners, and friends.

We were emotionally abused, but we still
deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Our self-esteem is in need of repair. It’s
time to release our fear. As we liberate ourselves from the pain
and trauma of our past, we free our minds from the insanity of
emotional reasoning. We start to realize that we do not need to
shame ourselves. We begin to realize our true worth.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Shame About Who I Am

In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse
and believed the lies my abusers told me. They wanted to make me
feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.

At some point I began to believe their lies.
I became trapped in a dismal world of self-condemnation. Over time,
I started to “shame” and “guilt” myself.

My abusers worked very hard to convince me
that the abuse was my fault. They told me that I was a bad child
and they forced me to do things that were against my will. Over
time, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feel
ashamed and guilty for all the aberrant sexual acts they forced me
to perform.

When you are told over and over again that
you are a bad person, you begin to believe it. Shame and guilt
becomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem.

At some point I reached the conclusion that
there must be some terrible defect in my character or personality
that had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled at
inventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused.

But I am not to blame for what happened. I
did not deserve their abuse. I am a precious, wonderful child of
God. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated with
respect.

Most adults never sexually abuse a child.
When they get angry, they express their anger in a healthy way
without abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline their
children with respect.

What is it that my abusers wanted? I believe
that all abusers are looking for someone to hurt with their anger.
I was small and defenseless. They believed they could abuse me
without consequence.

A couple of years ago, I married a woman who
kept telling me I deserved her abuse. She criticized me on a daily
basis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial reasons. She tried
to justify her abuse by claiming that I was “always messing things
up.”

This was the first time in my adult life I
had been criticized or abused in this way. Had I suddenly become a
worthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy,
loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that I
was the kind of person she could abuse? Did she see the victim in
me, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I left the moment I
realized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone change
it. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Shame About What I’ve Done

I feel ashamed when I hurt myself or someone
else, because I know deep inside that abusive behavior is
wrong.

I smoked cigarettes for over ten years, and
when I quit, I experienced deep feelings of shame and guilt. I
finally realized how much I had hurt my body and my
self-esteem.

Shame feels like a heavy blanket pressing
down on top of me. It’s important to work through my shameful
feelings. The first step is to stop blaming myself for the abuse.
This shame does not belong to me. I need to come to my senses and
give this shame back to my abusers.

The second step is to stop acting in ways
that will make me feel ashamed. I cannot get past feelings of shame
if I keep hurting myself with drugs and alcohol. I cannot get past
feelings of shame if I keep acting out sexually addictive
behaviors. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I stay in abusive
relationships.

It is not realistic to believe that I can
change all of these self-destructive patterns overnight. But by
continuing to work on myself, I will overcome them all in time.
Eventually, I will feel proud of my actions, my choices, and the
direction of my life.

Process
Questions

What have I felt guilty or ashamed about? Do
I still carry any feelings of shame and guilt?

How does it feel to carry this shame and
guilt? (Has it held me back, damaged my self-esteem, prevented me
from developing healthy relationships, or fueled my
addictions?)

What can I do to release these feelings of
shame and guilt? If my shame or guilt comes from my own behaviors,
what can I do differently from now on?

What will it take to forgive myself for the
negative behaviors of my past?

How much of this shame and guilt do I need
to give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready to
give it back?

Chapter 12
–
Depression

“Why do you stay in prison when the door is
so wide open?”

-Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Depression has been described as a
combination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realize
there is no way to change our past. We will never be able to go
back and erase what happened to us.

Sometimes we feel depressed because we are
still in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused,
or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexual
abuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal.

Unfortunately, we do not always express our
feelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotage
ourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses to
anger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel.

We move towards resolution when we allow
ourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understanding
that the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying to
change our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and to
experience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a
sign of strength.

Sometimes our feelings of depression can
become crippling. There have been times in my life when I had a
hard time getting out of bed. I lost weight, lost interest in life,
isolated myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and slept late into the
morning. When depression becomes extreme, a condition described by
the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)
as Major Depression, it is important to be willing to try
medication.

My own depression was genetic in nature, but
enhanced by circumstances. My grandmother on my mother’s side
suffered from depression and took antidepressants for the second
half of her life. I often felt depressed as a child for no apparent
reason, and I wrote a lot of violent, morbid poetry. I felt
resistant to taking medication for the first 34 years of my life
because I didn’t want to believe that I was crazy. Taking pills to
change my brain chemistry would be admitting there was something
wrong with me.

My stubborn resistance to medication
treatment was illogical and self-destructive. When I went to
graduate school, I learned about the physiology of the brain and
the reasons why antidepressants work. I finally concluded that if
my depression was genetic in nature, it was a physical problem. And
a physical problem demands a physical solution. For me, thinking
positive was never enough. My attempts to improve my outlook on
life certainly helped, but the aching in my head never went
away.

I finally decided to try an SSRI (Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) five years ago. It is one of the
newer antidepressant medications, and I experience no side effects.
I can tell you that this medication changed my life.

In the past, my emotional response to the
trauma of sexual abuse had turned my genetic depression into a
living nightmare. I suffered for many years before giving
medication treatment a chance.

Before antidepressants, my life had moved
from one depression to the next. I can attest to the fact that this
is no way to live. Stubbornness and fear prevented me from making
rational decisions about treating my depression. My attitude is
very different now. I have more authority in recommending
antidepressants to my clients, because I take them myself.

Antidepressants do not make you happy. They
are not addictive, and they do not get you high. But they do help
balance your brain chemistry so that when you wake up in the
morning, you can have an even chance of feeling happy or depressed,
depending on your circumstances.