Heart of Glass (15 page)

“
Look at him. He’s ignored
me for three days and now he’s talking to other girls. I’m his
girlfriend.”

“
You wouldn’t think so from
the way he’s behaving.”

I glowered. This wasn’t
right. I had invited Ben to the bay; he shouldn’t be talking to
those girls. I could feel the jealousy spreading through my body,
infecting my rational mind, as I watched Ben toying with his new
friends, his body language oozing charm as only he
could.

“
That’s it!”

I sprang off my towel like a
psychopathic Medusa, my hair flying around my face, already set in
a tempestuous rage. Storming to the little group, I stopped in
front of him, hands on hips, my anger a bubbling cauldron waiting
to explode. And what did he do? He smirked.

“
I want to talk to you,” I
said.

“
I can’t talk now, Bella.
I’m busy. Maybe later.”

“
No. Not later, now,” I
demanded, grabbing his hand and pulling him behind the cottage
towards his tent.

Alone, I pounced on him,
eyes flashing. “How could you do that? If you want to break up why
didn’t you just say so?”

There was that smirk again,
that smug ‘I-know-something-you-don’t-know’ smirk. “I didn’t say
anything about breaking up. I was only talking. They’re nice girls.
Why? Are you jealous, Pussycat?”

“
No. I’m angry. You did it
on purpose to make me mad.”

“
Possibly. You look so cute
when you’re angry, perhaps I should do it more often.”

“
It’s not a joke, don’t
make fun of me.” And before I realised, my hand had made contact
with Ben’s cheek in a stinging slap. “God, I despise
you.”

Ben put his hand to his
cheek. It looked like it hurt. My hand was certainly tingling with
pain. He stepped towards me, bridging the gap between us. Using his
chest, he edged me towards his tent, his gaze taking my anger and
consuming it.

“
You have no idea how much
I want you right now,” he said. “Now get inside before I spank your
pretty little bottom for hurting me like that.”

“
No. I won’t go anywhere
with you. I hate you.”

“
Show me how much you hate
me. Hit me again if it makes you feel better.”

We reached the tent door and
holding my wrists, he pushed me through. Fuelled by my anger, he
grabbed my wrists and pulled me to him, his lips bruising mine. “Do
you still hate me?”

“
Yes, now let me
go.”

“
Not until you say you love
me.”

“
No. Let me go.”

He twisted my arms,
pinioning them behind my body, trapping me. “It was a game. I
wanted to show you how it feels when you play games with
me.”

“
I still hate
you.”

He laughed and put my hand
to his erection. “Come on. Do it. It’s only oral sex.”

Excited, I kissed him hard
as his hands raced over my body, fumbling to undo my top. There was
something to be said for fighting and making up.

***

The gritty sand of the beach
stretched for ten kilometres to the north, ending in high cliffs
peaked by a lighthouse, which was no longer manned, thanks to
modern technology. In all the years I’d stayed at the bay, I’d had
never been there. Why would I bother getting all puffed and sweaty
without a good reason? Ben was a good reason. With the sun beaming
down on the starkness of the cliffs and the white caps below
dancing on the rocks, the lighthouse looked the perfect place for
an adventure, a day exploring the countryside, or so Ben had told
Mum before we set out.

We packed a few supplies and
set off early on our bikes with our destination sitting on the
horizon. It should have been an easy ride along the coast, but with
the wheels splashing water on our legs as we rode through the
shallows, I soon began to wish the journey were over. The wind had
whipped my hair into some sort of bird’s nest creation on top of my
head. Grains of sand had lodged themselves in the damp spot on my
chest and I was almost ready to start up a whine when Ben turned
his bike towards a track between the sand dunes.

“
Where’re you
going?”

“
Up this way,” he
gestured.

After a minute or so, we
came to a wire boundary fence, on the other side was a field
covered in knee length grass and wild flowers, an oasis of colour
in a sea of sand. Throwing my bike to the ground, I scaled the
fence and fell into the grass, my dishevelled appearance forgotten.
“How did you find this place? It’s glorious.”

“
I stumbled across it when
I went for a run yesterday morning. I knew you’d like
it.”

Feeling around my scalp and
combing my hair with my fingers, I tried to make myself
presentable. I opened my backpack and grabbed some water, hoping at
least to diffuse the colour in my cheeks but the damage was already
done. I looked like a ragdoll.

Putting his bag on the
ground, Ben pulled out the cassette player and turned it on. Then
he lay beside me and stroked my hair to the mellowness Neil
Young.

“
It’s gonna take a lotta
love, to change the way things are….” he hummed, plucking
wildflowers from around him, and tucking them into the matted
strands behind my ear and around my forehead, creating a fairy
garland to frame my face.

“
You look like a goddess,”
he said, kissing each of my eyelids in turn.

I lay motionless, enjoying
the sensation his closeness created. His touch was so
tender.

“
Bella?”

“
Mmm?”

“
I want to do it with you
here, in the grass with the flowers in your hair and the sun
shining on us.”

Carried away by the romance
of the moment and the love I saw in his eyes, I had to admit that I
was tempted. I loved him; I wanted to be with him. But I remained
uncertain, afraid. “I don’t know.”

Ben put his hand gently on
my back, caressing my skin. “You don’t have to be scared. It’ll be
perfect.”

Rolling into his back, he
pulled me on top of him. My arms wound around his neck. I could
feel his heart pounding beneath me, and the hardness of him
pressing into my belly through my shorts.

“
I’ve waited so long.
Please. I want you so much it hurts.”

“
I don’t know,” I
replied.

Among the mist of grasses, I
felt the lyrics wash over me as Ben’s hands wound through my hair
and tickled my skin. Lips and tongue tantalising, I pulled his
t-shirt over his head, smothering his chest with kisses; his frame
was strong and muscular, tanned by the sun. He was so hard to
resist. Six months ago, I would have balked at his naked chest, and
there I was openly engaging in the most erotic forms of
torment.

“
Please,” he begged
again.

Looking into his eyes, I
nodded.

At last, I lay naked beneath
him, my only adornment the flowers in my hair. I watched, subdued
as Ben slipped his shorts off, and rolling over he took a condom
from the backpack. Then he lay down beside me.
“Nervous?”

I nodded and he nuzzled
against me, whispering words of yearning and affection, calming my
fears. His body covered mine and he parted my legs as he continued
to kiss and urge me on. “It might hurt a bit but only at
first.”

I was shaking. I could feel
him easing into me. If only he would say he loved me, everything
would be fine. “You won’t forget me when you go back to Melbourne,
will you? This isn’t just sex is it?” Why didn’t he say it? Why
couldn’t he ever say the words?

He pushed himself a little
further in. “You’re mine, Bella, and I’ll never let you
go.”

Chapter 13

IN THE FLESH

Darlin’ darlin’
darlin’

I cant wait to see you
remembrin’ your love

Is nothing without you in
the flesh

Blondie

February
14
th
, Valentine’s
Day. I wandered exhausted up the hill, the sun beating down on my
school hat, my bag heavy with homework. My new shoes had given me
blisters on my heels that were threatening to take a trip down to
my toes if I didn’t take them off soon and my stockings were
sticking to my legs. So far, the New Year had heralded nothing but
positives. Hopefully, Valentines Day would bring
another.

Stopping at the mailbox, I
dropped my bag with a thud and lifted the lid. There was a lot of
mail. On the top of the pile was a large envelope, too big for the
letterbox it had been folded in half. I flattened it against my leg
and read the label. Seeing my name on the front, I ripped at it
with the type of enthusiasm I reserved for the last day of school.
It had to be from Ben.

The writing inside, though
disguised, read

‘
Happy Valentines Day,
Pussycat xxx’

Nobody but Ben ever called
me that. I kissed the spot where he’d scrawled the words. I was one
happy girl.

Closing the front door, I
rifled through the rest of the mail before putting it on the hall
table. To my surprise, there was another envelope for me and the
address had been typed. I stuck nail into the seal and pulled out
the handwritten sheets, no idea what it was all about.

Dearest Bella,

I hope you get this in time
for Valentine’s Day. I won’t be able to call you so I thought I
would write. Do you like your card? Every word is true, my darling
Bella. I can’t wait to see you again. I’ve been so lonely here in
Melbourne without you. All I have is Uni and football but that
doesn’t satisfy me, not the way you do. You make me laugh,
Pussycat. You are my life.

I love you Bella. Please
love me back.

Ben x

I stared at the words,
mesmerised. He loved me.

***

I was nauseous with
excitement for my first meeting with Ben in three months. I wanted
to show him I had hadn’t changed, that I was the same girl he’d
made love to in the meadow, despite the schoolgirl tag. My hair was
the same, hanging down my back and decorated with small braids and
colourful glass beads. It had taken hours to achieve and would take
minutes to ruin once Ben threw me onto the bed in a fit of passion,
at least that’s what I hoped he’d do. My dress was the long,
flowing, batik type that I favoured at the time and had bought in
bulk, having discovered that batik was cheap and the little bell
thingies really jingled when you moved. It drove Mum
insane.

“
Oh, for heaven’s sake,
Bella,” she said, “You’re not going out in that thing are you? You
look like a refugee! The jumper is at least two sizes too
big.”

I shrugged. “It’s Ben’s and
I like it.”

All morning long, I drifted
around in my bedroom, listening to my favourite Blondie album and
playing ‘In the Flesh’ over and over. Debbie Harry was right. I
couldn’t wait to see Ben, I couldn’t resist him. I wasn’t deaf dumb
or blind. And now the time had come.

Breathless with
anticipation, I jumped the bus to the city. I felt so grown up,
like one of those girls in the ‘Razzamataz’ ads. I was young,
carefree and it was a beautiful day. Swinging my bag, I strolled
along in the sunshine, humming ‘In the Flesh.’ I thought about how
Ben’s body had felt the last time I had seen him. I longed to feel
him again. I smiled at the people I passed; it was a fabulous day.
Could people tell was going to meet my love? Was it written all
over my face?

As I reached the corner
waiting for the lights to change, I looked around. The cafes were
overflowing onto the footpath. People bustled along, Saturday
shopping in hand. Everyone was loving the sunny autumn day. Then I
saw him. Ben. He was coming out of a café across the street,
looking his most devastating. The mere sight of that body made me
quiver, I wanted to feel his skin against mine, to have him again.
Ironic, that I’d spent so much time avoiding sex and now all I
could think about was his body and what it could do to me. I raised
my hand, trying to catch his attention but he didn’t notice. He was
standing on the opposite curb.

While I waited, a tall
blonde girl came out of the café too, shoving her wallet into her
oversized shoulder bag. Her blonde hair hung in a silky sheath
around her shoulders, which were bared to the afternoon sun in a
skimpy white peasant top. In two strides, she had reached the curb
too, and linked her arm through Ben’s. I was puzzled. Then,
experiencing a moment of clarity, a sense of foreboding swept
through me, as I watched Ben turn and smile into her eyes, dropping
a kiss on her forehead, just like he did to me. He’d whined and
pressured me for almost two years to have sex with him and the
minute I’d given in, he’d moved on to…..on to …. Bo
Derek!

The lights changed. The
people around me began to walk in all directions, jostling me as
they went. I was rooted to the spot. I couldn’t move. My legs felt
like blocks of stone, too heavy to lift and my eyes were saucers,
glued the couple who had stepped off the curb and were walking
towards me. Helpless, I reached out to the pole beside me, trying
to control the dizziness that was surrounding me in waves as I
wretched into the gutter. Please don’t let me faint, I thought. Not
here, not in front of them. Already I was head to foot in vomit, to
lie unconscious in it would be the icing on the cake. I looked up.
Oh God, they were coming my way.