Heart of Glass (12 page)

From the study the insistent
ringing of the phone interrupted my thoughts. It was
Prue.

“
Are you looking at the
‘Ben’ box again? It’s obsessive, you know.”

“
Of course not!” I lied. “I
put that away days ago.”

Okay, so it was minutes ago
but as if I was going to tell her that.

“
Good.” There were some
queer munching noises on the other end of the line and then a
swallow. “Sorry, I was finishing my lunch.”

Of course. What else would
she be doing if she wasn’t pashing Paul. I could have killed myself
in despair and she wouldn’t find out until she finished her hot
dog.

“
What’s up anyway?” I
asked.

“
We’ve decided you need
crisis intervention. Moping in your room won’t bring Ben back. So,
Jen and I are taking you out for coffee and cake in the
park.”

“
Will there be retail
therapy?” If she said yes, I’d already decided to turn her down. An
afternoon of shopping with Prue was worse than having all your
teeth pulled at once. I’d always hated it.

“
No. I know you hate it but
there will be lots of love from your friends.”

“
Okay. I’ll meet you there
in an hour.”

I put on the stereo and set
it to replay. I had enough time to listen to ‘Babe’ once more
before I went to catch the bus.

***

Prue and Jen did their best
to avoid the ‘B’ word but after exhausting every other topic, we
came back to the only thing we wanted to talk about
anyway.

“
Ben’s gone to Melbourne,”
Prue said. She couldn’t even meet my eyes when she said his name.
“He has a three year contract with the Cats.”

“
How d’you find this stuff
out?”

“
Lucy,” she stated, not
worried that the mere mention of that name made me want to slit my
wrists. “She’s gloating big time that her baby’s father is going to
be a huge football star. Apparently, he hasn’t asked her to move
there with him yet but she knows it’s only a matter of
time.”

And wouldn’t that just make
my day! I thought. All Lucy’s talk of friendship had been abandoned
when her true target was within range. She didn’t care if she
crushed me to a pulp to get it. I studied my hot chips and pushed
them aside.

“
I hope they’re very happy
together.”

Jen put her hand over mine.
“You don’t mean that do you?”

“
Of course, I don’t mean
it. I want to scratch her eyes out! What do you think?”

God, I needed some new
friends. They weren’t even good at consolation.

“
The club have made
arrangements for him to fast track his Year 12 and then go to Uni
to do architecture,” Prue continued.

“
That’s good. At least I’ll
never have to see either of them again.”

Jen cleared her throat.
“Well, not really. Lucy and her parents had the meeting with Mother
Imelda yesterday, and she’s allowed to stay at school until a few
weeks before her due date.”

“
What? Has she no
conscience at all? Not only has she ruined my life but also I get
the agony of being reminded every day. I’m going to kill
myself!”

“
She seems really
happy.”

“
Yeah, well I’m not and
nobody cares less,” I declared. “Why is it that everything has to
be about her?”

And I wasn’t happy. I saw
Lucy at school and I couldn’t talk to her, I couldn’t say her name
or even look at her blossoming body, knowing Ben had done that to
her. But she swanned around, her silly ninnies fawning over her and
getting her everything she needed. Once again, Lucy had managed to
turn shit into gold.

***

Frustrated at Lucy’s ever
increasing popularity and trying desperately to avoid her and her
‘bump’, I joined the drama club with the St Peter’s boys. I was a
shoo-in for the part of Juliet in the school production of Romeo
and Juliet, I decided. My whole life was a tragedy anyway, so I
wouldn’t need to act.

The Head of Drama must have
agreed, for somehow I got the role. Over the moon, I threw myself
into learning my lines before we began rehearsals. It was fun and
it kept me from dwelling on stuff that was no longer my concern. It
gave me an outlet for my misery and a bit of fun that didn’t
involve talking about boys. At last, things seemed to be looking
up.

On the afternoon of the
first rehearsal, I met Andrew - my Romeo.

“
I’m Andrew,” he said,
coming to sit on the bench beside me. “I can’t believe we’ve never
met before.”

 “
I guess our schools
are bigger than we think, huh?” As I smiled up into his sea green
eyes I realised what a good idea drama had been. If hot chips
didn’t take your mind off a lost love, this boy certainly would.
His tall, lean presence in a room with those wide shoulders and big
dark eyes was enough to make any girl’s heart flutter. The best
part was that if I squinted enough, he looked a bit like Ben.
Playing Juliet to his Romeo was going to be pleasant if nothing
else.

Within a few weeks, I was
feeling much happier indeed. Then one day, as we were engrossed in
a rehearsal for the bedroom scene, Prue came rushing to the side of
the stage.

“
Bella. You need to come
now.”

I opened a serene eye and
dragged myself out of Andrew’s arms. This had better be good, I
thought.

“
What’s wrong?”

“
There’s been an accident.
Lucy fell!”

Like the spiteful cow I
could sometimes be, I suddenly wished she’d been pushed. Not all
incidents in the school needed to be about her and that damn baby.
I pulled myself together and tried to sound Christian. “Is she all
right?”

Prue began to cry. “Don’t
know. Mother Imelda called an ambulance. Lucy’s
unconscious.”

“
Come on,” I said, tossing
poor Andrew off the bed and to the floor with a thud. “Let’s see
what we can find out.”

It was four days before we
were allowed to see her. Lucy’s mother, with all the authority of
the Queen of England, had declared her hospital room off limits. I
wondered if this included Ben. He had to be there
somewhere.

In my new Christian way, I’d
decided to try to put my jealousy aside and forgive yet
again.

“
You feeling any better?” I
asked, as we sat at her bedside admiring the enormous egg shaped
lump on her forehead.

Lucy’s face was tearstained.
“Apart from this deformity on my head, I’m improving. But I have
this ache in my heart. It’s like a part of me is
missing.”

Welcome to my world, Lucy
Roberts. Feel some of my pain. I shook my head, trying to dispel
such mean thoughts.

“
Have you thought of a name
yet?” Prue asked.

“
I’m going to call her
Victoria, Victoria Kate Roberts. It was my grandma’s
name.”

“
It’s a beautiful
name.”

I looked down at her lying
in the bed, so small and frail, yet still so damn beautiful. I knew
I shouldn’t have asked and Prue would have kicked me under the bed
if she could have reached but I had to know. “Has Ben been to visit
you?”

“
He came straight after the
birth. I never expected him to. His parents were so angry with me.
I s’pose they’ll be pleased, now.” She turned her head to gaze out
the window, an attempt to hide that stubborn tear that would not
leave.

“
Is he staying for the
funeral?” I was grasping at straws but even a glimpse of Ben across
a sea of mourners would be enough.

“
No. I told him not to. He
was only hanging round out of a sense of duty. It’s you he should
be with.”

“
Do you think he’ll come
back?”

Lucy shrugged but her eyes
narrowed as she looked at me. “Are you asking for me or for
you?”

How could I answer? We both
knew I wanted Ben. I tried to move on but all I could think of was
him.  Even when I was in Andrew’s arms, I imagined it was
him.

We sat in silence for some
time, then Lucy took my cold hand and held it in her
own.

“
I was sorry about you and
Ben. I know I’ve never said it but I didn’t know what to say…
seeing as how it was my fault. Again. Are you coping
okay?”’

“
Not really. It hurts so
much, Lucy. I sent him away, and he’ll never come back. He’s gone,
forever.”

From the other side of the
bed, Prue scoffed, “I find that statement hard to believe. I saw
the two of you together before Christmas and I saw the way Ben
looked at you.”

“
That doesn’t matter now
does it? Everything’s changed. If he had wanted to see me he would
have called when he was here.”

“
Maybe he didn’t think it
was appropriate.”

“
Maybe he’s
scared.”

“
Of what?”

“
Of love, of getting
hurt….I don’t know, Bella, but I don’t think you’ve seen the last
of him.”

“
I don’t want to see him
again. He breaks my heart every time.”

“
Then you should forget
about him.”

“
I know, and I’m trying to…
Andrew Matthews asked me to go to the movies with him next
weekend.”

Lucy hoisted herself up in
the bed, her mouth wide open in surprise. The baby and Ben James
were forgotten, tossed aside like last season’s skirt. “You’re
kidding. He’s gorgeous.”

Prue swooned. “His shoulders
are glorious and the way his shirt always hangs out at the back of
his trousers makes him look so cute!”

“
I know and he’s a good
kisser too,” I added.

Lucy’s brow crinkled, “How
d’you know?”

“
He’s Romeo in the play,
you silly. Honestly, Lucy you never change!”

“
So, are you gonna
go?”

“
I guess so.”

“
He may be what you need to
get over this whole Ben thing.”

***

It seemed natural that
Andrew and I became a couple. Romeo and Juliet. Andrew and Bella.
And for a while everything was quiet. School was boring. Rehearsals
were fun and football on a Saturday afternoon was as predictable as
always. Then, about two months later, I heard the song again. I
should have known what was coming but, never imagining the
impossible could happen, I ignored it.

We were having a celebration
party, backstage after the play, and somebody put the song on the
stereo. God knows why, but my eyes welled and my lip began to
tremble in a rather indelicate way unbefitting my new celebrity
status as the star. I tugged on the corner of Andrew’s lacy sleeve
and motioned him to put his head towards me.

“
I’m going to the toilet,”
I said. “My head is aching.” Suddenly, it was bursting. That song
was messing with my brain.

“
Want me to
come?”

“
No, I think I can manage
these skirts by myself. Stay here, I’ll be back soon.”

He laughed. For the last two
weeks, Elizabethan clothing had been the story of our lives and
Andrew had proved far more capable putting on his hose than I was
with the voluminous skirts and veils.

I found the bathroom and
locked the door, drowning out the music. Pressing my forehead
against the cold tiles of the wall, I felt my heart pumping fit to
explode. Every time I heard that song, it happened. I would think
of Ben and the tears would come. I thought I was over him; I had
Andrew but no… my heart was only playing tricks again. It wasn’t
fair.

After a bit, I wandered
outside to get a breath. The night was prickly against my skin but
its quiet was relieving to the pounding in my head. Staring into
the darkness as I leant on the handrail, I breathed it in, feeling
my calm return. Who knew? Maybe my Romeo would be waiting below to
sweep my off my feet?

As I watched the twinkling
sky, my ears followed the sound of girlish giggling, and I noticed
a two heads in the shadows. Craning my neck, I saw the boy’s head
bent towards the wall as he whispered into the darkness. The girl’s
hand reached up to graze his shoulder and for some absurd reason, I
found myself squinting for a better look. It had been a long time
since I had felt that tingle of excitement. Andrew was good looking
and fun to be with but he just didn’t send those shivers down my
spine, not any more, not the way Ben had.

Sensing my gaze, the boy
looked around.

“
Bella?” he straightened in
recognition. “Bella.”

Leaving the girl, he ran
along the parapet towards me.

It was that song; that
bloody song. Why hadn’t I stayed inside where it was safe? I froze.
I looked up at him. His dimpled smile was huge as he reached out to
take my hand.

“
Ben.” Trembling, I pulled
away. My heart was charging around inside me. “What…. What’re you
doing here?”

“
I came to see
you.”

“
That’s a lie.” Turning on
my heels, I ran down the stairs and into the darkness.