Heart of Glass (14 page)

“
How am I going to keep my
hands off you for three whole weeks?” Ben moaned, as he stroked the
soft skin down my side.

“
You’ll just have to do the
best you can, Tiger,” I said, adjusting the top on my bikini to
give my boob a little more sun.

Ben’s eyes sparked as if he
wanted to rip the bikini off and see just how far down my tan
really went. “You’re not making it any easier by doing that. You
look like one of those sirens from Greek mythology; lying in wait
on the rocks, enticing me to drown in the pool of love.”

Unexpectedly, he leapt up
and walked to the edge of the pool. “I’m hot. I think I’ll go for a
swim.”

He dived into the deepest
part of the water and I could see him shiver as it’s chill hit the
heat of his skin.

“
What’s the water
like?”

“
It’s cold but it feels
good. You coming in?”

“
Will you keep me
warm?”

“
Could I
resist?”

I stood up and walked to the
side of the pool, diving in. The bubbles rushed up my nose as I
swam deep under the water, surfacing close to Ben’s face. My cheeks
and eyelashes were dewy and I blinked the droplets away.

“
Hi.”

A wave of self-consciousness
came over me as I stared into his eyes. I could feel the
nervousness knotting up my stomach. It was as if we were meeting
all over again. I was Brooke Shields and he was Christopher Atkins
and the Blue Lagoon was the only thing between us. I stared at his
mouth, beaded with water and turning blue from the cold, and I
traced a finger over it, longing for my lips in that tender
place.

“
Hey,” he said, slipping
his arms around my waist, floating me closer, as my arms and legs
wrapped around him. His hands wandered into the triangle of my
bikini top and my stomach lurched in that now familiar sensation of
desire. “I didn’t realise how much I’ve missed you until
now.”

My smile was timid as I
pushed wet strands of hair from my forehead. His mere closeness was
sending me into a spin. “I missed you, too. Christmas was horrid
without you.”

Ben squeezed me tighter and
I clung to him, moving myself against his torso. His voice was
thick with emotion. “That bikini is a dangerous creation, it shows
way too much of your body… not that I’m complaining.”

“
Mum bought it for my
birthday.”

“
She obviously had no idea.
I could be locked up for what I’m thinking.”

Sinking down under his
grasp, I swam to the side of the pool, pulling myself out of the
water and into the sun. He did it every time. I didn’t know if I
was a girl or a woman when he was around.

“
Out you get Teddy,” I
smiled. “I have to give you your present.”

Ben climbed out of the water
and threw himself onto the towel beside me. “Are you avoiding me?
Or was that little game some new torture strategy you’ve devised to
send me crazy?”

“
Don’t be
silly.”

Delving into my backpack, I
pulled out a brightly coloured package, tied with a gold
ribbon.

“
I hope you like
it.”

“
What is it?”

“
Well, that’s a dumb
question. It’s a Christmas present, silly.”

He shook the gift but it
made no sound so he tossed the ribbon aside and ripped the paper
open. His brow furrowed as he studied the soft fur of the toy
cat.

“
I hope you don’t think
it’s too girly but you keep calling me Pussycat, so I bought it for
you to cuddle when you can’t have me….” I bit the corner of my lip.
“You don’t like it do you?”

He began to laugh. “I love
it.”

“
Then what’s so
funny?”

“
Just wait till you see
your present.”

My present turned out to be
a teddy, a blonde furry teddy wearing a navy t-shirt like the one
Ben so often favoured. It was a sign. We were meant to be
together.

***

Later on, the gang organised
a game of “spotlight.” It was a tradition to play after dinner,
when the adults were indulging in red wine.

“
You’re kidding aren’t
you?” Ben said, looking disgusted when I told him of the plan. “I’m
only doing this so we can be alone. So you’d better find us a good
hiding place.”

I winked and motioned him to
follow. There was no doubt our hiding place would be the best. The
very thought of being alone in the dark with Ben was enough to spur
me on.

We tiptoed past Sally, who
was in charge of the spotlight first and down to the rocky area
where the creek mouth meandered into the ocean and down onto the
beach. The current there was fast, and the waves had pounded
relentlessly onto the shore during the day, causing a sudden dip in
the sand. It was the perfect place to hide. Lying on our stomachs,
we held our breath, waiting for the ideal moment when it would be
safe to race across the sand to home base.

“
It’s a beautiful night,” I
whispered.

Ben’s arm crept around my
shoulders as his body moved closer. “Yes, it is.”

We’d been trying to be alone
for days but more and more I found we were being interrupted or
watched. It was as if the adults were taking turns to keep an eye
out.

“
Let’s forget the game; I
don’t want to play anymore. I want to play with you.”

My lips curved to a smile,
and rolling over on top of him, I put them to his. He had the
softest lips. “We’ll have to watch when everyone else goes back
home or Mum will be after us.”

“
I don’t know if I can
manage that. It’s hard to concentrate on two things at once.” His
hands had crept inside my big fluffy jumper, untying the bikini
top, as his lips played against the lobe of my ear.

“
Why, what else are you
doing?”

“
I’m trying to seduce you,
if you’d shut up for a minute. God, you talk a lot.”

“
You could always find
something else for me to do.”

He needed no further
encouragement. His lips were on mine, his hands probing. Travelling
the silky journey along my body and into my bikini bottoms, he
continued to tease. He could sense my arousal building, as he
slipped his finger inside me and deepened the kiss.

“
Please Bella, please,” he
begged. “Let me make love to you. This is torture.”

“
No,” I panted. “Not
here.”

“
Why not? I know you’ll
like it. It feels so much better than this.” He looked along the
length of my body and into my eyes as his head went down between my
legs, his tongue propelling me into an ecstasy I could not explain.
He tempted me, inviting me to take the next step, demonstrating the
pleasure available but never quite pushing me over the
edge.

“
Come on,” he whispered. “I
want to feel you moan.”

Was he deaf? I was sure I
was already moaning already. I grabbed at his shoulders, my body
writhing. “God Ben, stop. I can’t take any more.”

“
Let go.  Enjoy
it.  Let me make love to you. I know you want to.”

He licked again, teasing me
with his tongue and finger.

“
Oh God. Please, Ben
please, stop.”

“
Not until you beg. Not
until you say yes.”

But it was too late. I’d
found the peak of ecstasy in a way I never knew existed.

Frustrated but not defeated,
Ben wrapped me in his arms, allowing me time to regain my senses,
before he launched the second assault. First, he went for the
pleasure angle.

“
Did you enjoy
that?”

“
You know I did. You know
exactly what to do but I don’t want to have sex here.”

He toyed with my emotions.
“You won’t get pregnant, I won’t let it happen, I promise. Why
won’t you trust me?”

“
I do trust
you.”

Finally, he went for the
jugular. “If you really loved me you’d let me do it.”

It was a low blow but I was
ready. “I do love you, but I don’t want to do it on the
beach.”

“
You can’t keep doing this
to me Bella, it’s not fair.”

“
I don’t know what else I
can do.”

Decisively, his eyes never
leaving mine, he unzipped his fly, took my hand and placed it
inside his pants. “Yes, you do, we’ve talked about it. If you won’t
let me make love to you, then this is the least you can do. I’m not
getting any pleasure any more.  All I’m getting is
frustrated.”

I stared into his face,
filled with emotion. I wanted to please him. He was right. Our
relationship wasn’t strong enough to cope with me behaving like an
infant all the time. It was only fair. Closing my eyes, moving
lower, I willed myself to try to do as he asked but the nausea was
churning inside me. I knew I was going to vomit. Swallowing, I
inched towards him, my eyes pinched closed. Maybe if I didn’t look
it wouldn’t be so bad.

But it was. Even with my
eyes squeezed tight, all I could see was Ben’s penis only
centimetres from my face. Tears welled up. “Please don’t make me,
Ben. Please. I can’t. I want to please you, I do but I can’t do
it.”

Ben’s face drained of
colour. His eyes were as black as thunder. “I can’t take any more
of this. You’re a tease. I used to think it was cute and sweet that
you were naive, now I think you do it for fun. I don’t want to
kiss. I want more. And if you won’t give it to me then leave me
alone. I don’t want you.”

I cringed. He was so angry.
“Please don’t be mad at me. Let me try again.”

“
No.”

Standing up, he adjusted his
pants and began to walk back across the beach. His shoulders were
rigid with tension and I rushed along behind him, ashamed of myself
for such a weak display.

“
Ben,” I sobbed, close to
hysterical. “Please don’t leave me. What about your
promise?”

He stopped in the sand and
turned, sighing as if his heart would break too. “I know I made a
promise, and I meant it. I’ll never leave you… but this fucking
holiday can’t be over soon enough.”

***

I found him on the beach
early the next morning. He was sitting on the sand watching the
waves, his knees pulled up to his chest, his chin resting heavily
on them. He looked pale, under his olive skin, and his eyes were
rimmed with red. His face was confused and twisted with a torment
that I had caused but it was no better for me. I sat down beside
him, determined to make myself understood but the words would not
come. Instead, my hand crept onto his knee.

“
I’m sorry.”

Ben turned to look at me. He
did not speak but his eyes were filled with a deep sorrow. I wanted
to cry. I wanted to hold him but the constant pressure of wanting
was the albatross on our shoulders. We were immobilized by
it.

“
Please Ben, say
something.”

He stood, still silent and
headed back towards the cottages; not noticing, or possibly
ignoring, the broken girl he’d left at the shore.

Chapter 12

LOTTA LOVE

It’s gonna take a lotta
love

To change the way things
are

Its gonna take a lotta
love

Or we wont get too
far

Neil Young

The afternoon sun shone high
in the sky. Sally and I were lying on the grass outside our
cottage, sharing a coke. We were alone; Ben was standing at the
corner between two of the cottages, leaning against a tree laughing
with two of the older girls. He’d been there for some time but had
made no move to speak to me. I hadn’t seen him all morning. He had
gone to the beach and then disappeared, treating me like something
unpleasant stuck on his shoe that he wanted to remove.

“
Have you and Ben had a
fight?” Sally asked.

“
Not really. I don’t
know.”

“
What happened? You’re
usually all over each other like a rash.”

“
Long story.”

“
I have all
afternoon.”

I watched Ben from the
corner of my eye. People were beginning to notice we were distant
with each other. It was like purgatory, this waiting and wanting
game, and the penance for my sin was to have him near but never to
be close again.

“
What did you fight
about?”

“
Sex.”

“
He must be really mad at
you to ignore you for three days. Have you been having sex with
him?”

“
No….but he’s putting
pressure on me.”

Sally nodded. “I know
exactly how you feel, but believe me, if you do it just because he
wants you to you’ll never forgive yourself. Don’t give in. Hold out
until you’re ready. It might be that you never do it with
Ben.”

“
But what if he dumps
me?”

“
If he dumps you, he’s a
bastard and you’ll be glad you never gave it to him.”

I glanced over to where he
stood. The girls were giggling, as he shared some joke, probably
about how frigid I was, with them. I scowled. Now he was punishing
me, trying to make me suffer.