Heart of Glass (11 page)

“
What’s up honey? I can
tell something’s wrong?”

With a lip that wouldn’t
stop wobbling, I told her about Ben’s phone call. Mum’s face was
the same colour is had been the day I'd announced I was giving up
French in favour of Drama. “What do you mean you’re not going to
the ball? I thought everything was organised? That dress cost your
father a fortune, not to mention the shoes and the ticket and the
hair appointment. I knew that boy would let you down.”

“
It’s not like that….it’s
not his fault.”

I tried my best to explain
the truth of the situation, or what I knew it to be, but it was
difficult to do without becoming emotional. I was so cross and
upset that a childish tantrum was not out of the
question.

“
You know that your father
and I believe Ben is too old for you, Bella, but he always behaves
responsibly when he comes to visit. I think something must be done
to resolve the situation.”

I hoped that meant something
good. Mum and I weren’t often on the same wavelength when it came
to conflict resolution.

“
I’m going to ring his
parents and see if we can’t find a compromise that will make us all
happy.”

I beamed, hugging Mum close,
something I had not done in a very long time. Sometimes, she could
be so surprising, almost human.

***

Whatever Mum had said to The
Dragon it worked, for three nights later, there we were, twirling
across the dance floor. All eyes were on us, and no wonder. Ben
looked divine in his dinner suit, his blonde hair luminous against
the black of his jacket, his tanned skin more obvious with a white
shirt and tie. I could see the envy on the other girls’ faces. They
would have committed acts of gross indecency to get what I had, but
there wasn’t a chance in hell. Ben was mine.

“
All the girls are watching
you. You look so handsome tonight.” I kissed his shoulder as he
swept me around the floor. “I feel as if I should pinch myself.
It’s like a dream.”

“
Well, every guy here is
checking you out, too. I’m gonna to have to keep a close eye on
you, I think.”

We danced on, and for a
while Ben was quiet. His hand was firm and reassuring in the small
of my back, sliding every now and then to touch my bottom when the
chaperones backs were turned. “You look like an angel, and you’re
my angel.”

I must have been an angel,
for real life could never be so perfect.

That night I became the
temptress. My pink satin gown was floor length, strapless, and
fitted tightly to my torso, exposing my chest in a most alluring
way, or so the shop assistant had remarked. I would have preferred
‘drop dead sexy’ but with Mum being cast in the role of Nazi dress
code enforcer, ‘alluring’ was all I could hope for. Whatever, I
knew as soon as I saw it that I had to have that dress and from the
looks Ben was giving me I could see I’d been right.

“
I can’t wait to get you
alone,” he said. “If I don’t get that dress off you soon I’m going
to go crazy.”

As we gazed into each
other’s eyes, I could feel the spell being woven around us. It was
a powerful feeling and I know Ben felt it too. I could have asked
him to give up his dreams and he would have done it. Nothing and no
one else mattered in the world.

***

The sound of the music from
the ballroom disappeared and my magical night dissolved in a puddle
around my silver sandals.

“
Are you for real?” I
stared, open mouthed into Lucy’s reflection in the mirror. It’d
taken some serious persuasion to get her to agree to come to the
Ball, she’d been determined to stay at home, and God, I wished she
had.

Lucy’s face was sober.
“There’s no other explanation. I’ve missed three times. I’m
pregnant for sure.”

I didn’t know what to say
but I couldn’t help feeling that she’d received her just deserts.
She had behaved badly and had used Dan to make Ben jealous. “Have
you told Dan yet?”

“
No, I was hoping it would
be a false alarm.”

Lucy’s face crumpled and she
began to sob, huge tears plopping onto the bodice of her gown.
Resting her forearms on the basin, she threw her head down on them,
her body tortured with emotion. “Besides, I can’t tell him. It … it
might be Ben’s.”

My face
shattered.

“
But you used
contraception, didn’t you?”

“
Well, I s’pose
so.”

I grabbed her shoulders,
shaking her. “Shit, Lucy, think! This is important. Can’t you even
remember being with Ben?”

“
I don’t know. We were
drunk, I can’t remember.”

Oh. Well that was fabulous!
I could have wrung her little Barbie neck until her head popped
off.

“
Let’s ask Ben. He must
remember. I can’t imagine he’d be so careless.”

Lucy continued to sob. “It‘s
hopeless. I just don’t know what to do. My parents are going to
kill me.”

That was if I didn’t do it
first, the silly cow! My face twisted in anger, but I tried to hold
it together, to behave as Mum would in a crisis, when all I wanted
to do was smack Lucy’s face. I rubbed her heaving shoulders but my
hands prickled wanting to tighten around the sinuous skin of her
neck.

“
Is there something I could
do? Shall I go and get Ben?”

“
I don’t think so. You
know, it feels good to tell somebody at last. It was beginning to
eat me up.” Lucy dabbed her red eyes with her hanky and looked at
her reflection in the mirror. She took a lipgloss from her purse
and rubbed it over her lips attempting to repair some of the
damage. How could she be so composed? My life was about to end and
she was putting on lipgloss!

“
You have to tell
him.”

“
I know. But I don’t know
how.”

“
What about if I come with
you? Will that help? You have to do it now, though.”

Our hands locked together,
we left the toilets. I could feel Lucy’s palm, clammy with sweat,
as we approached the boys who were waiting for us in the foyer. I
gave it a tiny squeeze of reassurance thinking that I was more of a
saint than an angel for putting up with her all this
time.

“
I’m here for you,” I
whispered. “You can do this.”

We walked over to where Dan
and Ben were sitting on the planter box sharing a private joke. I
was reluctant to spoil the evening. The news that Lucy was about to
break would wipe the smile off Ben’s face for a very long
time.

“
You’re kidding, right?”
Ben searched her face for a sign that she may be playing a cruel
joke.

“
I’m positive. The thing is
I don’t know whether you’re the father or Dan.”

Dan was angry. “I used a
condom, if that’s what you mean, Lucy. Don’t you
remember?”

“
Not really, but if you say
so. What about you Ben? I was too drunk the night we were together.
I can’t remember a thing.”

Typical! I thought. If I’d
had sex with Ben there was no way on Earth I’d forget
it.

Ben’s finger rubbed across
his jaw. “I did as well, but the last time we did it, it broke. You
laughed and told me not to worry.”

Dan flopped down beside Ben.
“Fuck!”

“
I think that’s something
of an understatement given the circumstances.”

Ben put his head into his
hands, silent for the longest time. “When’s it due?”

“
June.”

“
Shit,” Dan
muttered.

“
So, it’s not too late to
have an abortion?”

Yes, what a great idea, I
thought. Who gives a shit about Catholic morality?

“
No, but I’d be cutting it
fine and anyway I don’t have the money. I’m not sure what I want to
do. I just want it to go away.”

I snorted. I couldn’t help
it. Maybe she should have thought of that before she screwed my
boyfriend.

“
I’ll support you whatever
you decide Lucy, but I won’t marry you and I’m not ready for kids.
I don’t even like them,” Ben said. “Have you told your
parents?”

“
I wanted to tell you
first.”

“
I s’pose we had best go
together and break the news then. I’ll come with you in the
morning.”

He was as responsible as
Lucy. He had to face the music.

***

We lay side by side on our
backs in the dark unable to speak. We had the blanket; we had the
darkness and stars. We even had the champagne. The dress designed
to drive him wild with my breasts bursting out all Elizabethan-like
had been perfect. But how could I contemplate sex now? How could I
have ever thought my life would be perfect?

The woollen car rug that Ben
had dragged onto the grass was warm beneath us and I could feel the
heat from his body as it grazed the edge of mine. Our fingers were
entwined, as were our hearts, even though I felt as if mine were
breaking. The silence was all around us like a death shroud thrown
over our heads. When Ben had promised me a night to remember, I
hadn’t been expecting an explosion.

He squeezed my hand. “I’m
sorry.”

“
I can’t talk Ben, I have
no words.” I closed my eyes, unable to look at him, trying to
decide how I felt and what I should do. Someone had to be the
sensible one and I guessed it was me.

“
But what’re we going to
do? What will happen to us?”

I turned my head away. 
He already new the answer.  He didn’t need me to tell
him.

Forever had passed when the
morning sun lifted its head from slumber and began the new day. It
rose into the sky; only its radiant light was seen at first as it
moved from behind the distant foothills. The night was done but a
new day was beginning. A day where Ben would be gone from my life,
forever. I studied his face as he dozed. His long dark lashes
rested upon his cheeks. Soft stubble had appeared around his chin
and his hair was a jumble of untidy blonde strands. He was mine,
but we could never be together. There was a baby to consider. I had
to set him free. He needed to know his child and take care of
it.

Leaning closer, allowing his
body to protect me from the early morning chill I reached up and
ran a finger down the side of his face wanting to remember him in
that peaceful state.

“
Wake up, sleepy head. The
sun’s coming up.”

He ran a knuckle over his
lids. “I wasn’t asleep. I was resting my eyes. Have you been
watching me?”

“
Mmm. I’ve never seen how
you look in the morning. It’s nice. You look like a big
teddy.”

He squeezed my body closer
to his own. “You look the same as always, completely
sexy.”

“
Don’t say
that.”

“
Why? It’s
true.”

“
You have to look after
Lucy. You can’t leave her.”

“
I know, but I want
you.”

“
I don’t see how that can
happen.”

“
So this is the end?” He
looked at me in disbelief, but what else could I do? I was only
sixteen. My life was not going to be about sorrow and
pain.

“
I guess so, but maybe one
day we’ll be together.” Silent, I gathered our things and made
ready to leave. Then, kissing him, I took his hand and led him
towards the car. “Come on, Teddy. The sun is up. It’s the start of
a new day.”

He got into the driver’s
seat and revved the engine. The radio, never off, flared to life
and I could hear Paul McCartney lamenting a lost love… “The long
and winding road that leads to your door...”

I looked at Ben and began to
cry.

Chapter 10

BREAKIN’ UP IS HARD TO
DO

Don’t take your love away
from me

Don’t you leave my heart in
misery

Cause if you go then I’ll
be blue, ‘cause breaking up is hard to do.

The Partridge
Family

What was it that David
Cassidy once said? Breaking up is hard to do? If only I'd taken
heed of his words when I'd sat glued to the ‘Partridge Family’ at
age eleven wishing those burgundy velvet vests and pirate shirts
were my own, I might never have gotten myself into such a strange
predicament. But then, Ben wouldn’t have been part of my life
either.

On the floor of the bedroom,
a large shoebox filled with mementoes sat at my feet. I stared,
consumed, at the pink and purple sequins I had glued into heart
shapes around the border. What a waste of time that had been.
Lifting the lid, I pulled out the card Ben had given me for my
birthday, fingering its cute picture. There were the letters he had
written too and the photo of us at the Christmas Ball. We looked so
happy, so in love. And now he was gone forever. His duty was to
Lucy and the baby. God, I wanted her to die a slow and torturous
death, the cow, or at least become fat and bloated from the
pregnancy and lose her figure forever.

I pulled the tissue out from
my sleeve; blowing my nose that was already so raw I may as well
have used sandpaper. What was I going to do with all this stuff?
Maybe I could invite the girls over for a ceremonial burning. Who
was I kidding? I never wanted to see Lucy again. I’d rather have
gone swimming in a tank of razor-toothed piranhas than have her
flouncing around our house telling me about how wonderful
everything was now that she had Ben and I didn’t. I sighed with
sadness. One last thing to go in the box and I would be free of him
forever. Reaching to the back of my neck, I found the clasp and
undid the love heart necklace. All he ever did was hurt me but now
it was over. Thank God, I hadn’t had sex with him.