Heart of Glass (26 page)

He came closer, revealing a
silver foil resting in his palm. His musty scent was heady. I was
already drugged. “It’s only half, enough to make you loose. It
can’t hurt.”

I stared, transfixed, at his
palm. The morally conscious side of me was screaming that I didn’t
need drugs to have a good time. The curious girl was telling me to
go ahead and try. Mark had said he’d take care of me and he was
used to this sort of thing.

“
How do I do
it?”

“
Like this.”

He undid the foil and tipped
some of the yellowish powder onto the back of his hand. Covering
his left nostril with his finger he put the powder to his right and
inhaled. I watched him for any outward sign of change but there was
none. He wiped the excess powder from his nose and took my hand in
his.

“
Now it’s your turn. You
won’t feel it instantly, but the rush is intense. Your mouth’ll go
a bit dry at first and you’ll want to drink heaps, but don’t worry.
I’ll look after you.”

He could see that I was
anxious and held my hand gently, kissing my palm as he looked into
my eyes. Turning my hand over, he made a small mound on the back
near my knuckle and held it to my nostril. My hand was trembling
and he held it while I snorted.

“
What do we do now?” I
asked.

Taking my hand, he placed it
on his erection. “I’d have thought that would be
obvious.”

***

The night had peaked when
finally, we lay spent. The light from the moon shone through the
bedroom window. Mark’s eyes were covered by the tint of the shadows
as he lay with his arm around my shoulder, resting but not asleep.
He had been right, I reflected, the sex had been incredible. My
senses had been heightened to a level where his every touch was
extraordinary and I had been insatiable for it. I had found
pleasure in the simplest of acts – his licking of my toes, sucking
my fingers, biting me from my ankles to my shoulder
blades.

The speed had made me feel
attractive and beautiful, uninhibited and up for almost anything he
proposed. I never wanted to get out of that bed, to eat or to live
again, unless Mark was at my side. That was the problem.

Touching each of his eyelids
with my lips, I roused him from his rest. His eyes opened lazily
and a satisfied smile stretched across his chiseled face. He only
had to look at me to know I wanted more.

“
Told you, didn’t
I?”

“
You did and you were
right. But you’ll be sorry; I’ll never have enough now. Sex was
great before but that was awesome.”

“
You’re a dirty
bitch.”

“
And you’re Jim Morrison,
the lizard king.” He was. He was the Lizard King – fluid, sensual,
relentlessly using that tongue of his to exact the most pleasure.
So debauched. The bottom had fallen out of the ride and I didn’t
care. I was sliding into oblivion.

“
What’s the rest of my
surprise? You said there were two parts.”

“
I wrote you a
song.”

“
Do I want to hear it or is
it one of those songs men sing in the pub after footy?”

Mark looked serious. “No,
it’s a love song. I haven’t written anything in over a year. You’re
my muse.”

“
Is that the speed talking
or you?”

“
Me.”

Mark picked up his guitar
from beside the bed and cleared his throat. The tune was slow and
melodic, the lyrics impassioned and poetic, filled with
longing.

I sat still, truly
overwhelmed that I could be the catalyst for a thing of such
beauty. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

I took the guitar from him
and put it down on the floor. I crawled across the bed and laid my
head on his naked thigh. It was warm and sinuous.

“
I think you have heaps of
talent, I admire that you can create something so awesome. I wish I
could do that.” I smiled up at him with adoring eyes and for the
first time in as long as I could remember felt something like love
bursting from my heart.

Chapter 19

PLEASURE &
PAIN

It’s a fine line between
pleasure and pain

You’ve done it once you can
do it again

The Divinyls

With Mark, I lived the fine
line between pleasure and pain. Not wanting him but needing. Living
with the guilt but loving it at the same time. Wishing that sex
were normal and boring again, instead of the drug induced
gymnastics routine it had become and yet craving it more and more.
I often lay in bed, usually recovering from some massive hangover,
listening to the Divinyls and imagining that song had been written
for me. Cleverly, I thought, I’d learnt how to divide my time into
little pieces, giving some to Dean, a bit to school, a bit to the
boys and a lot to Mark. I had given away everything I had, without
even realising. It was my fault. I'd got on for the ride. Now, it
was spinning out of control and I was powerless to stop it until it
reached the end.

As I stood in the pub one
night, I wondered why everyone was staring. It couldn’t be the
constant fidgeting of my fingers over the buttons of my blouse and
it wasn’t because my pupils were dilated or that my normally pale
skin had taken on the pallor of a dirty ashtray. Yes, my tights
didn’t match the rest of my outfit and there was a huge hole in
them that began at my thigh and was working it’s way to my foot. I
knew I looked like a heap of crap but what did it matter? I was the
Queen of the Universe. So why?

I was drinking furiously and
had been blithering on like an idiot about bullshit that nobody was
the least bit interested in. Still, it was interesting to me
because I was Bella, the centre of the cosmos, the most interesting
girl in the world. At least that was what the speed told me every
time I dropped another line. Anxious, I frowned and sucked on my
cigarette while I watched the boys. Something was up. There was a
secret and they weren’t sharing. It’d better not have been about
me.

Dean put his hand on my
shoulder and I jumped. “Are you alright, Annabelle?”

No, I’m stoned, you fuckwit!
I thought.

“
Of course I’m alright,” I
snapped, heaving my shoulders up in an attempt to look straight,
“And will you stop staring, you’re giving me the
creeps.”

“
I’m not staring, I’m
concerned. Have you taken something?”

“
Don’t be ridiculous, you
know I don’t do drugs. I’m perfectly alright. Now, I’m going to
dance….Coming?”

His concern was justified, I
supposed. I had been behaving in a most peculiar way – missing
dates, making ridiculous excuses and so nervy. I used to be so easy
going but the whole time division thing was difficult. I couldn’t
remember who I was or where I was meant to be. I couldn’t control
it, I snapped without warning and the more wired I got, the more
paranoid I became. I’d given up eating and sleeping, in favour of
all night sessions with Mark, which would disappear into days of
unconsciousness that I had no recollection of, apart from when I
woke up a few days later to find myself sleeping in squalor. The
horrid thing was, I didn’t care. Everyone hated me and I didn’t
care. All I cared about was sex and drugs and never having to think
about losing Ben ever again.

And to make matters worse,
everyone was talking behind my back; I knew they were, I had heard
them as I came back from the toilet earlier on.

“
Do you know what’s wrong
with her?” Dean had asked Justin. I had cocked my head, straining
to hear from my position behind a tall guy next to them.

“
She’s pushing herself hard
this year, she wants to do well – maybe she’s tired?”

Yes, I was tired! Being
Queen of the Universe was a very tiring occupation, especially when
your subjects were staging a rebellion.

Coops wasn’t fooled. “She’s
not tired, she’s strung out.”

“
But where would she get
drugs from? Why would she even do it?”

Justin shrugged, “She’s
unhappy, she’s been unhappy ever since I’ve known her really. The
frivolity is an act. Deep down she hurts.”

Well, he had that right. But
since I’d met Mark things had been better, the pain was
less.

“
We need to do
something.”

Behind the tall guy, I
cringed. My friends were going to exorcise me like Linda Blair and
I was going to spew green stuff all over them. Why couldn’t they
leave me alone?

“
I think she’s seeing
someone,” Dean said.

I froze. He knew.
Shit.

“
She’s become quite the
liar of late.”

The alarm bells rang in my
ears. Drug addicts are great liars.

Coops looked over to the
dance floor. “It’s Mark.”

Oh God.

They knew. They all knew and
they were out to get me. So what does a girl do when all her boys
have got it in for her? I went straight back to the bar, got
drunker, did a line or two and forgot about them all. Then I went
in search of Mark.

***

My breath was short and
rapid against his cheek as he pushed me into the icy stone of the
wall.

“
I couldn’t wait for
another minute. I had to have you inside me,” I whispered. I was
Queen of the Universe, after all. I could do as I
pleased.

“
What about the
others?”

“
They know.” I rubbed
myself against him, desperate. “Give it to me, now. I need you
now.”

He pulled my top across my
shoulder and buried his head in my neck, trapping me against the
sandstone. He bit into me, leaving an ugly red mark. My skeletal
body shuddered uncontrollably against his. “Fuck, Bella. How
much’ve you had?”

“
I was bored, and anyway,
there’s heaps left for you, so shut up and fuck me.”

Closing my eyes, I could
hear a buzz inside my head and I blocked it out, concentrating on
the sensation of my elbows grating against the rough bricks of the
wall as Mark moved his mouth to my body. His hands roamed
aggressively across my breasts and down towards my skirt which had
assumed a life of it’s own and had taken up residence somewhere
around my hips. His tongue licked my nipples.

“
Yes, yes,” I panted, as he
moved my knickers aside and thrust his fingers into me.

“
You’re a dirty little
girl,” he said.

“
Hurry.”

Lifting me against the wall,
he pushed himself between my legs. My weight meant nothing to him
now, I was so light he could’ve tossed me into the air and spun me
like a pancake. I was so stoned he could’ve asked me to do anything
and I’d have agreed. Drunk, I was just a flirt. Stoned, I was
sluttish and I didn’t give a shit.

Mark began to thrust,
driving himself into me, devouring me with the bloody need of a
vampire. “You want it like this?”

“
Just do it, take me to
heaven.”

Suddenly, a voice cried out
from further down the lane. Immobile, I felt the passion drain from
my body. “What the hell is going on?”

Dean came walking into the
alley towards us, followed closely by Coops and the others. I could
feel Mark adjusting his clothes, straightening himself.

“
I’ll handle it,” he
whispered, leaning against me protectively, shielding my half-naked
body from view.

“
I thought it was pretty
obvious. I was fucking your girlfriend.”

Dean came closer. His face
was livid and purplish. His fists, tight with rage.
“Annabelle?”

I hid my face in Mark’s
shoulder. I couldn’t face him.

“
Bella?” Coops
asked.

“
I’m fine.”

“
He’s not hurting
you?”

You mean is he raping me? I
suppose it could’ve looked that way to the untrained
eye.

“
No.”

“
How long’s this been going
on?” Dean looked broken. That was all I needed. Now I felt like a
bitch. I wanted to rush to him, to tell him it wasn’t meant to end
like this but I couldn’t. Instead I stood, screened behind Mark’s
chest as he continued to press against me, holding me
back.

“
That’s irrelevant,” Mark
sneered.

“
Why,Bella?”

“
Bella was feeling the need
for a little adventure. Apparently, you’re too boring for her,
mate.”

“
Is that true?”

“
I’m sorry, Dean. I
couldn’t help it. I tried so hard.” It sounded feeble, pathetic,
but I didn’t know what else to say.

Dean’s face was only
centimetres from Mark’s. His eyes sparked angrily, his voice was
shaking. “I don’t know what you’ve done to her to make her like
this, but if you hurt her, I’ll kill you.”

***

The next day, Justin
appeared at my door. I winced at the repulsion I saw in his face.
He hated my guts. Everyone hated me. I was a bad girl. That was why
Ben had never come back. He hated me too.