Heart of Glass (27 page)

“
I don’t understand,” he
said, “…have you lost your mind?”

I hunched in a corner of the
sofa, curled in a foetal position, my dressing gown wrapped tightly
to hide the bruises.

“
No, but I do have a killer
headache, so if you could keep it down to a dull roar, there’s a
darling.” I was a barrier to his worry. Denial had replaced
independence as my strong suit.

“
Don’t you care that we saw
you shitfaced and having sex in an alley with that scum? Don’t you
care what you did to Dean?”

I knew he didn’t want to
hurt me but he must’ve felt someone had to say it. On and on he
went - blah, blah blah. All about my self-destructive behaviour
hurting us all, how I couldn’t see it.

“
I don’t want to talk about
it. I want to sleep.” I rolled to laying, presenting him with my
back, closing my eyes and praying if I ignored him for long enough
he might go away. But Justin was never one to give up. After all, I
was his best friend and if we couldn’t help each other when the
chips were down then what was the good of our
friendship.

“
You’re not going to sleep.
We need to talk.”

Grabbing me by the arm, he
yanked me towards the mirror in the bathroom, shoving my face at it
and pulling my gown from my shoulders to reveal the bruises up my
arms and across my torso and neck.

“
You think we haven’t seen
them? Go on….look! This is not you. This is the product of Mark’s
affection. He’s done the same thing to you as he does to everyone.
He’s sucked you dry and left you for dead.”

But he hadn’t left me for
dead, I knew exactly where he was.

I stared in the mirror.
“It’s nothing that a good night’s sleep won’t fix.”

“
And how long is it since
you’ve had that? All you do is drink and smoke and knock back
whatever drug it is that he’s feeding you. What are you taking by
the way?”

“
I do a bit of ‘speed’ now
and then. I can handle it.” I flicked my fingers into the air as if
to wave his concern away. “What’s the harm? It makes me feel
good.”

“
How are you paying for
it?”

“
I don’t.”

“
He gives it to you,
doesn’t he? Can’t you see you’re his slave? You’re whoring
yourself.”

Oh for fuck’s sake, I
thought. He had no idea.

“
I don’t think you
understand, Jus. Mark’s not like that at all. He’s highly strung.
He’s had lots of problems that he’s trying to work
through…”

“
And you’re helping
him?”

I stared at him indignantly,
quite ready to shut him out for the sake of my relationship with
Mark.

“
I’ve tried to understand.
We all have, but what ever it is that bothers you so much has taken
over your life. You’re not the beautiful girl I used to know
anymore and I don’t know if I can stand by and watch you do this to
yourself.”

“
And I don’t think it’s any
of your business.”

Justin paused as he reached
the door. “Do what you want to do. But remember we’re you’re
friends and you know where we are when you need us.”

“
I don’t need help. I don’t
need anybody.” And I shut the door behind him.

“
Is he gone?”

“
Yep. He was trying some
sort of ‘tough love’ shit on me.” I dragged myself into the
bedroom, lying down next to Mark on the bed. “I have a throbbing
headache, and I feel so sick.”

“
Come to Daddy, Blondie,”
he crooned. “I have just what you need to make you feel all
better.”

***

I sat in the Dean of
Students office, nervously rolling my hanky between my fingers and
hoping to God that he wouldn’t be able to tell I had just had a
snort before I arrived. I knew why he’d ushered me into the depths
of his hallowed sanctum, and frankly, I was shit scared. That was
one of the reasons I’d had a taste. Mark had said it was the only
way to stop the excessive shaking in my hands, which could happen
if you partied too hard.

Peering at me over the top
of his plastic rimmed spectacles, the only part of his wardrobe
that looked as if it’d been purchased within the last five years,
the old man rested his elbows on the blotter. His hands came
together prayer like, the fingertips touching in front of his
pursed lips, as he considered me. He shook his head, displeased
with my appearance.

I’d tried to cover my sallow
complexion with makeup but there was nothing I could do about the
glassy eyes. I wished he’d speak; the waiting was
murder.

After what seemed like an
age, the Dean cleared his throat. “We seem to have a
problem.”

I grimaced.

“
There’s been reports from
three of your tutors so far, and no doubt there’ll be more, of
missed lessons, incomplete assignments and indeed a number not
handed in at all. Prof. Phillips has also intimated to me, that
when you do attend classes you appear disinterested and lacking in
focus. You seem to be well on the way to failing in all your units,
in which case you would not be able to return next year to complete
your degree.”

He sat silently glaring at
me, as if waiting for some pearl of wisdom to spring from my mouth,
which would explain perfectly, and excuse, all my crimes. How could
I tell him I was having too much fun – drinking, snorting speed and
shagging myself senseless. I didn’t think he’d appreciate such
candor this early in the morning.

“
It’s also come to my
attention that you’ve come to classes on more than one occasion in
a rather inappropriate state, shall we say, and you’ve already been
warned by Dr. Evans and Prof. Sutton about such behaviour. It is
not acceptable at this University. We have a reputation to uphold.
Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“
I don’t know what to say,”
I muttered. It was always good to go for the sob story, I’d
prepared one earlier just in case. “I’ve had a lot of personal
stuff going on. I didn’t mean for it to interfere with my studies
but it did.”

The Dean’s wrinkled face
seemed to soften. “Normally, after repeated warnings, a student
showing such lack of commitment would be asked to reconsider their
place at the University, you understand…”

My face dropped. He was
serious, this wasn’t a game, he was going to kick me out on my cute
little arse. Steeling myself, as the tears began to mount, I looked
him in the eye, preparing myself for the worst. The reflection in
the window showed my skin developed an awful grayish tinge and I
was sure that I was going to throw up all over his beige carpet.
That’d be the icing on the cake.

“
However, in this instance,
your tutors have spoken highly of you and come to your aid, so to
speak. It’s their belief that you’re an exceptional student and
that we’d be doing you a disservice were we to ask you to leave.
Your academic record does seem to support their argument.
Therefore, we’re willing to let you continue with your studies but
there will be conditions that you will have to adhere to. Any
deviation from said conditions will result in your studies being
discontinued immediately.”

I could feel the weight
lifting. I was allowed to stay. I wouldn’t have to face my parents
in disgrace. “What do I have to do?”

“
Submit all the assignments
you’ve missed during the semester, and resubmit those which were
incomplete. Your tutors have worked out a timetable of due dates
for these, so you can organize your time, it’s a great deal of
work.”

He slid a typed sheet
towards me and I glanced at the schedule. Great deal of work? There
was enough work on that list to keep me going until I was forty! I
could never do it!

“
Also understand that
because of your poor attendance record over the past months, that
no matter how high the quality of said assignments, you can achieve
no more than a passing level. This will be enough to get you into
your final year, and hopefully put you back on track. Are you
willing to undertake such a challenge, Annabelle?”

I looked at the list again
and smiled gratefully. “Yes. And thank you for letting me try. I
won’t disappoint you.”

“
Let’s hope the next time I
see you is when you collect your degree.”

I went home, I flushed the
speed down the loo. I worked like a dog, which I suppose was far
better than behaving like a dog as all my friends seemed to think I
was. The ultimatum had been the wakeup call I needed. I wasn’t
going to let myself down again. I needed to move on.

Clearing the bed-sit of all
the junk I’d accumulated was cathartic. I threw out clothes and
books I no longer needed and did a total revamp of my bedroom area,
just like in the old days. I even considered throwing the box of
‘Ben’ out along with the tape that Mark had made of his song but
reconsidered at the last moment. They were precious life memories
and I couldn’t forget my old life because I had a new one. It was
those things that made me who I was.

Standing with my hands on my
hips, I studied the orderly space with folded arms. I was ready to
resume my life. No more drugs and no more letting Mark wheedle and
bend me to his ways. The independent girl I used to be was going to
return. As of now.

After making a coffee, I sat
down on the sofa and picked up the phone. Filled with a sense of
trepidation, I dialled. Justin was first on the list.

“
I’m sorry, Jus. I’ve got
no excuse for my behaviour. I want to make it up to you,” I sobbed
into the phone with a rush of tears and remorse.

“
What happened? Last week
you wanted nothing to do with us.”

“
I had a wake up
call.”

“
Are you
alright?”

“
Yes, but I want my life
back. I don’t want to be a failure.” And it was true, I realised. I
did want my life back. I needed to be me, not a sex slave to the
Lizard King. But could I do it? Would I be able to have control and
Mark too?

I heard him smile into the
phone. “Welcome back, Bella. We’ve missed you.”

It was the same with Coops.
“I’m sorry,” I said, simply.

“
For what?”

“
You know… the drugs, the
sex, embarrassing you… having you chase me all over the city to
protect me. I was stupid. I didn’t see.”

He was silent for a minute.
“I only wanted to keep you safe. You know I love you.”

“
Yeah,” I smiled. “Me
too.”

A conversation with Dean,
however, was harder. It was always harder. His voice turned icy,
when he discovered it was me on the other end of the
line.

“
I know I hurt you. I’m so
sorry. I was a selfish cow.”

His tone remained frigid. “I
don’t want to go out with you anymore, if that’s what you’re after.
So you’re apologies won’t do any good. You lied to me and
humiliated me.”

“
Shit, Dean. I don’t expect
us to kiss and make up. It was over long before this.”

“
What do you want
then?”

“
I wanted to apologise. I
know it won’t change anything. I hope we can still be
friends.”

The sound that came back to
me could only be described as a grunt. “I don’t think that’ll ever
happen.”

***

In the midst of everything,
I threw myself back into my studies with my usual fanaticism. I
felt as if, at last, I had everything under control. The ride was
over. Yes, I’d spewed all over the place when the bottom dropped
out but I’d vowed never to take that ride again. From now on I was
only going on the nice safe rides, like the Ferris wheel. My
satisfaction was tenfold when I managed to turn in all of the
assignments that were late, including the poetry for Prof.
Philips.

Despite the fact that he
could only award me a Pass, Prof. Philips sang it’s praises. “This
is an incredible piece of work, I gather it’s something of a self
analysis?”

“
Maybe.”

He studied my face, still
pale and thin though I had taken not any drugs for weeks. “If this
is part of the reason for your problems earlier in the year, I
think I can say that you’ve helped me to understand a little more.
Do you feel better for writing it?”

“
Strangely enough, I
do.”

“
I thought so.” He coughed.
“Have you ever considered changing your major and becoming a
writer. I’m impressed by your style. I think your talent would be
wasted if you go into marketing as you intend.”

“
You think it’s that
good?”

He understood my work. That
type of praise was better than any chemical induced high. I’d
forgotten how much I missed it.

“
Yes, and with your
permission I’d like to send it to a friend of mine in Sydney for
his opinion. He’s in publishing. Have you got any other pieces I
can include so he can get a feel for your voice?”

I was taken aback. I’d
prepared myself for another rap over the knuckles, but not this.
This was too much. I began to cry.

“
Oh, my dear. I didn’t mean
to upset you.”

“
I know. It’s just that
nobody’s done anything nice for me in ages. I s’pose I haven’t
deserved it. They all assume I’m so strong and I can cope with
everything but I’m not. I’m sick of being used.”