Heart of Glass (30 page)

***

Everywhere I went, Ben was
the hot topic of conversation. It made me uneasy. Okay, so he was a
celebrity ex-footballer. He was good looking. He’d been on TV and
won awards. Okay. Okay. I didn’t want to hear it. All I wanted was
to get on with life. It seemed my friends were determined to hamper
to my efforts.

“
So, you know Ben James?
How come you never told me you hung out with celebs?” Coops asked,
as we hopped into the lift, holding hands. He’d come to pick me up
from work, and we were to head out to Mac’s Bistro for a romantic
dinner for two, though how sitting down to a kilo of New York cut
eye fillet and a beer could be romantic was beyond me. I was happy
to be alone with him. We were always with the gang.

“
You’ve met him,
then?”

“
The other night. Seems
like a good bloke.”

“
Hmm. I’ve known him since
I was in Year 10 but I haven’t seen him since Jen’s wedding in
first year Uni.”

Coops looked ahead of him,
at the door. It was a strange sort of etiquette, the one that
dictated people never look at each other while in the lift. “Is he
any different?”

“
He didn’t have facial hair
when I knew him but apart from that he looks the same. All the
girls at school used to drool over his hair.”

“
Justin said he was
drooling over you.”

I made a mental note to slap
Justin the next time I saw him. The last thing I needed was another
paranoid boyfriend. My own chaotic feelings were enough to deal
with. One minute I was happy to see Ben again and the next I wanted
him to leave. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to strangle him for the
things he’d done or kiss him.

“
Was he?” I said, “Can’t
say I noticed. Anyway, people always check each other out to see
how they’ve changed. I look heaps different to the way I did when I
was fifteen. I was such a nerd.”

“
I can’t imagine you ever
being a nerd.” His face was serious. “Did you go out with
him?”

“
I did, but it was a long
time ago. I’ve changed. I’m not fifteen anymore.”

He laughed, pulling me into
his arms. “Lucky for me…. or I’d be up on charges."

The little devil inside
whispered in my ear…and Ben would still be your lover.

***

“
Why didn’t you tell me
Ben’s back?” Prue looked at me from over the top of her mug. Her
voice was cool but I could by the clench of her hand on the mug
that she was building up to throw a fit.

“
How did you
know?”

“
It doesn’t matter how I
know. What I want to know is why you didn’t say anything. Are you
trying to pretend he doesn’t exist?”

I sipped my coffee and tried
to pretend her question didn’t exist. “Did Justin tell
you?”

“
Yes. He said you nearly
fell into your drink when you saw him.”

“
I was shocked. What did he
expect? And I didn’t tell you because there’s nothing to tell. Ben
shares a flat with Justin. End of story.”

I put my roll down on the
plate and tried to loosen my shoulders. Since Ben had come back
into my life they were so tight, I couldn’t relax. I was always on
my guard, waiting for him to pounce but he didn’t. What annoyed me
the most was that I didn’t know if I was happy about his lack of
pouncing or not, and dealing with confusion on a daily basis was
not something I longed to do.

“
You could no more be
friends with Ben than I could be Miss World. If you two aren’t
lovers you’re nothing.”

“
Don’t remind me. I’m
living it every night when I go to sleep.”

“
What?”

“
I’ve been having this
dream, where Ben comes to me in the hospital but I never see the
ending. I always wake up. It’s getting more pornographic every time
I have it.”

“
So, what’re you going to
do about it?”

“
The same as you’ve been
doing since you fell in love with Justin four years ago.
Nothing.”

“
Oh, cut me to the core,
you cow. You know I threw myself at him but he wasn’t interested.
Besides, my love life is not the topic. I want to know what you’re
going to do about Ben.”

“
Nothing at all. He’s been
back for a month. He’s met Coops, he’s seen we’re happy and he
hasn’t made a single move. He hasn’t even mentioned the
past.”

“
That’s weird. I would’ve
thought he’d be chasing you ‘round the bed by now.”

“
Hmm, well he’s not. I
think he wants to be friends.”

“
As if.”

I groaned into my lunch.
“It’s so frustrating not knowing what’s going on inside his
head.”

“
Oh, I think we both know
what’s going on inside his head.”

***

The easiest thing to do, I
decided, was to avoid Ben. If I didn’t see him, I wouldn’t think
about him. He’d be like the Easter eggs I had stashed in the top of
the pantry to remove temptation. Somewhere inside my hallucinatory
brain, it sounded like a solid plan. So I stopped dropping by the
Inn to chat with Nick. I signed up for a wine appreciation class. I
even passed up invitations to Justin’s place, unless I knew Ben
wasn’t there or I was with Coops, of course. He was my shield, my
force field against the alien invader. And such a darling Luke
Skywalker he made with his light sabre at the ready to protect my
honour. It was pointless though. Nothing worked.

It wasn’t long before Justin
became suspicious. He knew me too well. So, having lured me to his
place with the suggestion of freshly brewed coffee, pizza and an
afternoon of Saturday Night Fever on video, he knew had me captive.
There was nowhere to hide.

“
You’re going to have to be
in a room with him at some stage.”

“
I don’t want to be in a
room with him, I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I’m only being
nice to him because he’s your housemate. Now, shut up and watch the
movie.” Justin had no idea how much damage such thoughts could do
to all of us.

He laughed as he went to the
kitchen. “Look, I don’t know what’s going on but it’s only a matter
of time before I find out.”

“
There’s nothing ‘going
on’, as you put it. You, of all people should know that I don’t do
that any more. Dangerous Liaisons is no longer my favourite movie,
despite the fact that I would have loved to be the Michele Pfeiffer
character. She had awesome costumes.”

“
I know you wouldn’t cheat
on Coops, Bella, but the look on your face every time you see Ben
is priceless.”

“
Am I that
transparent?”

Justin wandered back in, and
handing me my mug, sat down on the floor beside me. He took a slice
of pizza from the box. “What’s the deal with you two, anyway? Was
he some guy you lusted after in school? And before you ask, I’ve
already quizzed Ben and Prue. You’ll be pleased to know that
neither of them would spill the beans.”

“
I don’t think I should
tell you anything, you’re such a dobber. It took ages to get Prue
off my back after you opened your big mouth.”

“
I was only filling her in
on the comings and goings of my week. It wasn’t a spy on Bella
session. I gave those up years ago. Far too boring!”

On the screen, John Travolta
was going through his moves. It was time to come clean.

“
Ben is special to me, he
was my first love and we had this on-off relationship. We have this
sort of bond thing, it’s hard to explain.”

“
You’re not going to throw
some sort of cosmic karma crap at me are you, because you know I
think that’s rubbish.”

“
I saved his
life.”

“
What? With your golden
lasso?”

I glared at him.

“
This is important, Jus.
I’ve loved Ben since forever but I’d resigned myself to the fact
that I’d never see him again. Now he’s here, being all as nice as
pie, with the let’s-be-friends stuff. I’m so confused. Ben’s not
like that at all. He always gets what he wants and in the past that
was me.”

“
Oh. I gather Coops is not
privy to this fact?”

“
No. I’ve been trying to
tell him for weeks but there’s no easy way without making it sound
like I want to jump Ben’s bones again.” The fact of the matter was
that I was becoming more unsure of how I felt as the weeks passed.
Until Ben had come back I was content, ready to settle down with
Coops, but his return had thrown my world into turmoil.

“
So from the way you’re
flicking that cigarette around, my guess is, jumping Ben’s bones is
what you want to do. Right?”

“
You don’t understand Jus’,
women turn orgasmic at the mention of his name, for God’s sake.
He’s irresistible. What am I s’posed to do?”

“
Buy a
vibrator?”

“
You’re not
helping…”

“
You could throw yourself
at him. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen you do
that.”

“
Don’t be disgusting…” I
was mortified that he could even think it of me now. In the time
since Coops and I had become a couple infidelity had become a dirty
word. “Oh God, I don’t know what I want and Ben’s driving me nuts.
He never ignores me. He’s definitely up to something. What do you
reckon?”

“
Ignoring could mean either
of two things. One, he might not want you anymore which I know
sounds ridiculous, given that all men find you sexy. But, like you
said, it was a long time ago and you were both young. He could be
over you. It does happen.”

I shuddered at the
thought.

“
What’s the second
reason?”

“
He doesn’t want to step on
Coops’ toes. Ben looks like the type of guy who wants to play fair
and everyone can see Coops is crazy for you. Has been for years.
From the day you two finally got it on, he’s had this fulfilled
look on his face.”

“
Shit.”

“
Is that because you’ve
burnt your tongue on the coffee, or have I said something that got
you thinking?”

“
Both,” I sighed and looked
out the window.

After a minute I spoke
again. “It can’t be because of Coops. I know Ben and when it comes
to love, he never plays fair. There must be something
else.”

“
Well, if there is, it’s
got me beat.”

“
Jus, do you remember when
I was in hospital?” I asked.

“
Yep. Although your period
of drug use and debauchery is a time I’d happily erase from my
memory. You were almost, dare I say it, slutty and you were so damn
skinny you could have been mistaken for a pencil.”

I shivered. His description
was a little too close to home. “I had this dream, then. Ben came.
He told me he’d love me forever. He was crying. Now, the dream’s
come back. It’s haunting me. D’you think it means
something?”

“
You love him?”

“
No, I love Coops, you know
I do.”

“
Then you’ve got to figure
out what you want. Coops won’t give you up without a fight. He’s
already sussed Ben was more than a friend.”

I shook my head, sadly. “I
don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt Coops. I love him so
much.”

“
Then you know what to
do.”

I hopped up and walked to
the door. “I have to go.”

“
Don’t you want to stay and
see the big dance off scene?”

I looked at him queerly.
“No. Coops’ll be back from footy and we’ve got a hot date with
bubble bath and a bottle of wine,” which was code for ‘Ben could be
home at any minute and I couldn’t face him.

Justin flicked the TV off
and stood to follow. He held the door open for me. “On a happier
note, this conversation shows how much you’ve grown up, Bella. You
would never have told me this stuff years ago. You’d have got
stoned.”

I smiled.

“
I know. I couldn’t talk
about it. I lost Ben and I searched for him. I looked and looked,
in all the wrong places. I realise that now. But he’s here and I
don’t know if I can do it again. I’m tired of being hurt and I’m
scared.”

Justin hugged me, that big
brotherly bear hug that never failed to warm my heart. “Don’t be.
We’re your friends and we’ll love you, no matter what, as long as
you do what you think is right.”

***

I thought about it for
weeks. I thought about Ben while I waited for him to appear at my
door. I thought about it as I snuggled on the couch at night with
Coops. I thought about those two so much it was a wonder my brain
didn’t implode. At last, I thought I had it figured out. Justin had
been right. Ben only wanted to be friends, and that was fine by me.
I could handle being friends. And I had Coops. He was my man. I
loved him. But then, something changed and it was only because of
my paranoia that I noticed it at all.

At first, I thought it was
coincidence. Then I saw that smile and I knew he was doing it on
purpose. The ignoring had mutated into a subtle form of torment
that only I was aware of. To everyone else he was a friendly,
charming guy but to me he was like a lion, toying with his prey
before he went in for the kill. I was the defenceless little mouse.
He’d begun to play the teasing game that I’d played with him years
before, twisting my words and thoughts in that smutty little way
that made me want him.