Heart of Glass (35 page)

He pulled himself to his
knees and cupped my face in his hands. “I am happy.”

I searched his face. He was
lying. He wasn’t happy. He was upset. “Then why do you look like
your dog died?”

“
Because I’ve waited five
years to hear you say that. I can’t believe you’ve finally
realised.”

He placed the smallest of
kisses on my mouth. My lip wobbled. Damn him. Now I was going to
cry. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”

“
Don’t you remember what I
said the last time I saw you, before I went back to
Melbourne?”

I looked at him. Was this a
trick question? I could remember practically every conversation
we’d ever had. They were scripted into a romantic comedy inside my
head with the perfect soundtrack of love songs.

“
Of course, I remember. You
said you loved me but I told you to go. I didn’t want you back. You
hurt me a lot.”

“
No, not at Tim’s wedding.
At the hospital, after the overdose.”

I struggled with
comprehension. The only memory I had from that time was of Mum and
Dad looking peaked and worn as they sat by my bed. “You weren’t at
the hospital.”

“
I was. You opened your
eyes and spoke to me. You smiled and said you missed
me.”

I had missed him. I’d missed
him every day he’d been gone but none of this made any sense. It
was all part of the realisation that I loved Ben and couldn’t live
without him. It wasn’t real. “But that was a dream…?"

“
No. I was there. Your Mum
rang me and I flew in straight away. I sat with you for three
days.”

“
It wasn’t a fantasy,
then?”

“
No.”

“
Not even the part where
you jumped on the hospital bed and we had wild makeup
sex?”

Ben smiled. “I think that
part was a dream but we can play doctors and nurses if you
like.”

I sat for a moment and let
it all sink in. It was hard to comprehend that what I'd thought for
all this time was really true. Tangled memories flirted with my
brain. “You said you’d love me forever but you wouldn’t come back
to me unless I asked you to.”

“
Yes.”

I straddled Ben’s lap and
wrapped my arms around him, laughing, though not sure if in delight
or hysteria. “I thought it was my subconscious trying to tell me
something. I thought it was a dream.” Then I stopped. “Did you mean
it?”

“
Every word.”

“
And you won’t accept
anything less?”

His face was serious.
“No.”

“
Well, I s’pose you leave
me no choice.”

He sat still, waiting, not
even breathing.

Gathering my thoughts I
gazed into his beautiful blue eyes, “I love you Ben, I want you
back, and I never want you to be without you again.”

He laughed and pushed me
back to the pillow. “You won’t, Pussycat. All I want is
you.”

Chapter 23

NEVER TEAR US
APART

Don’t ask me what you know
is true

Don’t have to tell you, I
love your precious heart

I was standing, You were
there

Two worlds collided and
they will never tear us apart

INXS

Our love was new. It was new
all over again, like we’d met for the first time, and to the dismay
of everyone who knew us we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
My fingers would regularly be caught seeking his, roaming his thigh
or rubbing against his arm. I wanted to squeeze him and hold him. I
wanted to have sex all the time. Ben was no better. He was like a
giant octopus, grabbing and cuddling me at every opportunity,
whispering endearments in my ear or against my hair.

“
Is that you?” Ben asked,
as we lay in bed late one afternoon.

My stomach let out a
replying growl.

“
All this sex is making me
ravenous,” I giggled.

“
Let’s go down to the strip
and get something.”

“
All right, but I’d rather
stay home and eat you.”

Dressed and holding hands,
we wandered down to the parking bay where Ben’s black convertible
was parked in front of my car.

“
Can I drive?” I asked,
jumping into the driver’s seat and fingering the wheel.

“
No way,” he said, as he
lifted me over and deposited me into the passenger seat.

“
Why not? I love your car.
It’s so cute.”

“
Cars are not cute and
you’re the worst driver I’ve ever seen. There’s no way you’re
getting your hands on this baby.” He turned the key in the ignition
and closed his eyes for a second listening to the rhythmic purr of
the engine.

“
One day you’ll change your
mind.”

“
Yeah,” he laughed, “and
one day Miss Universe will give me a private swimsuit
show.”

“
Not while I’m
alive.”

He directed the car out into
the traffic. “That goes ditto for you driving this car,
Pussycat.”

***

The cramps came on at eleven
that night, a ferocious gnawing in my stomach, a drumming of my
insides, like nothing I’d ever experienced. I shouldn’t have been
surprised; Ben had said I’d eaten like a pig at dinner. Clutching
my stomach, I curled into the foetal position, willing the vomit to
stay put.

Rising to sit on the edge of
the bed, the feeling got worse. My heart thumped and I felt dizzy.
I looked over to where Ben was sleeping soundly beside me, his
white golden hair was tangled on the pillow, his face peaceful. I
was loathed to wake him by crawling from the bed but the twisting
spasms were more than I could handle. I ran for the
bathroom.

As I climbed back into bed,
Ben stirred.

“
Bel’?”

“
Mmm. Stomach ache,” I said
curling into his arms. “Go back to sleep.”

“
I love you,” he murmured,
already half asleep “and one day I’m going to marry
you.”

“
It’s only been a few days,
marriage is a lifetime,” I whispered back. The idea, while
romantic, was downright ridiculous. People didn’t know those sorts
of things after a few days. Did they?

I stared into the dimness of
early morning light, “How do you know?”

“
Because I do. One day
we’ll get married and you’ll be mine, forever.”

“
I already am. I have been
since the moment we met.”

I reached over and pressed a
button on the clock radio to check the time. 97FM was on. Never
Tear Us Apart was playing and Ben’s hand reached out for mine. I
knew what he was thinking without him saying a word. I knew,
because I was thinking it too.

“
No matter what happens,”
he said, “I’ll never leave you. I love you more than the
world.”

It was comforting to know
how he felt but life had a way of dishing out shit where I was
involved and sometimes the pile was just too high to get over.
Nothing lasted forever, not even the popularity of Michael
Jackson.

“
You shouldn’t make
promises about the future,” I said. “We could be dead
tomorrow.”

“
If you die, I’m going with
you. I won’t let you go again.”

“
That’s very Shakespearean
of you, but who would look after the children? Do you want them to
be orphans?” I teased.

“
I don’t want children, all
I want is you.”

“
But what if I were
pregnant now?”

“
But you’re not,” he said,
letting his hand play under the doona.

“
But what if I
was?”

“
Then we’d need to do
something about it,” he said as he trailed kisses along my cheek. I
could tell he wasn’t into the conversation. He was trying to
distract me.

“
I didn’t say I don’t want
babies, ever. I just don’t want to share you with anybody,
especially a screaming baby who’ll take up all your time. I want to
make love to you all night long with no interruptions.” He bent his
head to my stomach and pulled my singlet up to lick around my
navel. “Besides, think of all the fun we can have
practicing.”

I winced. It hurt where he
nibbled along my torso. It made me feel crampy and nauseous all
over again. “Well, in that case we’ll need loads of practise
because I want our children to be perfect,” I whispered.

Chapter 24

LIVE TO TELL

A man can tell a thousand
lies

I’ve learnt my lesson
well

Hope I live to tell the
secret I have learned

Till then

It will burn inside of
me

Madonna

A month or so later Ben,
Prue, Justin and I were sitting in the theatre bar of the Regent,
waiting for Coops, Phil and Leigh to arrive. We had tickets for an
evening performance of the musical Phil had done the set designs
for. It was a far cry from the lanky private school boy I’d met in
my first days at Uni. He was successful and happy, his future
bright. Ben, now nicknamed ‘the octopus’, was as usual, all over me
like a rash and Prue, while happy for us was utterly revolted by
our constant need for each other.

“
Will you two please stop
it with the kissing and stuff. It’s nauseating to have to watch it
every minute of the day,” she said, screwing up her
nose.

“
Sorry,” I smirked, “but
it’s no worse than you’ve been in the past.”

“
When? In 1980? I don’t
think high school counts.”

Justin looked up from the
bio he was reading in the show program. “Phil’s head is never gonna
fit through the door after this, guys,” he said. “Have you read
this review?”

“
He’ll be like that guy who
had to be cut out of his house because he was too fat to get out,
except it will be his head not his body,” I laughed.

At that moment, Phil walked
through the door. “Geez, stab me in the back as soon as I’m out of
the room,” he joked, pulling up a stool and motioning Leigh to
sit.

Coops, who’d followed the
pair, leant across. His lips were cold on my cheek. “Bella,” he
said.

I reached up, kissing his
cheek. “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you,” I said. I could
feel the tension in his body as I wrapped my arms around him and
hugged him tight. We needed to be friends again. Our whole
relationship depended on the way he behaved towards Ben and I
watched intently as he reached out to shake Ben’s hand.

“
Ben.”

“
Hey, Coops.”

He settled onto a stool next
to Justin. His face was thinner and paler, his eyes shaded with
brooding circles. He didn’t look like my Coops at all.

“
How are you?” I
asked.

“
Better. You?”

“
I’m great, things are
great.”

Coops looked at me
critically. “You’re very pale.”

I sighed. “Honestly, I’m
fine. I’ve been having a bit of trouble sleeping, that’s
all.”

Coops nodded and stared
across the bar like a sulky child as if to signal the conversation
was over. I gazed into my drink. Why did he have to make it so
hard? I wasn’t going to drop Ben. Not even if Richard Gere himself
came walking in.

A dinner-suited usher came
to the door, ringing the large theatre bell. Five minutes till
curtain up. Phil stood and put his glass on the bar. “Let’s go
guys.”

“
Oh my God, Phil, this is
awesome,” I said, hopping down from my stool. “Oh gosh.”

I held my head as a wave of
dizziness rippled through me.

Ben was at my side.
“Bella?”

“
I’m alright. I must’ve got
up too quickly.” Since Uni days, I had been prone to occasional
bouts of nausea and illness but I’d never done anything about it. I
put it down to a side effect of my drug use. “I’ll just go to the
ladies…..”

“
I’ll go with her,” Prue
said.

As soon as the toilet door
was shut, she turned on me. “What’s going on with you? Coops is
right. You look like crap.” Her eyes were like globes. “Oh…my…God!
You’re pregnant.”

“
Don’t be silly. It’s a
tummy bug.” I leant against the basin, trying to hold it together
without passing out. I couldn’t be pregnant. I couldn’t.

“
But it’s been going on for
weeks.”

“
I told you, I’m fine. It’s
not constant.”

“
Neither is morning
sickness, you moron. For heavens sake, buy a pregnancy test and put
us all out of our misery.”

I looked down at my stomach;
still trying it’s best to ruin my evening. It gurgled rudely and I
felt faint again. “What do you mean?”

“
We’ve seen the signs,
including Ben. I don’t need to jog your memory, do I? The poor guy
is probably dying.”

I stared into the reflection
of the mirror. Prue was looking back at me, her face deadly
serious. “Do you think he wants to go through that again?” she
said.