Heart of Glass (33 page)

“
Nice job. I think we’d
better get you home,” he said, standing and sweeping me into his
arms.

“
But what about Coops and
the others?”

Ben opened the door to a
taxi and deposited me in the back seat. “I’ll tell them, you wait
there…and don’t talk to anyone!”

“
Ha, ha.”

As I watched Ben stride
across the footpath and disappear into 41, without so much as a
grumble from the people who had been waiting so patiently, I knew
something major had happened. I had tried to deny the way I felt
out of some twisted sense of loyalty to Coops. Over and over, I had
told myself that I was a grown up who was content with what she
had. But the truth was, I was lying. There was no other man for me,
there never had been. When Ben held me in his arms, I’d felt the
surge of love I’d craved for eight long years and I wanted it back.
I loved Coops, I always would, but not the way I loved
Ben.

***

“
What’s wrong?” Coops and I
were lying on the sofa, cuddling in the moonlight, listening to
Carole King’s Tapestry Album, which he hated with a passion. I knew
he was only listening because he felt sorry for me; he would never
have acquiesced to my pleas if I’d been fit and healthy. My foot
was propped up on a cushion on the coffee table and everyone was my
slave. Sometimes it was nice when the whole world revolved around
me.

The noise I’d heard that
night and the resulting pain had come from a snapped tendon, or so
the delightful young doctor had told me before he asked me out to
dinner. It wasn’t from the cracked bone in my foot. I was
fortunate, he’d said, that it wouldn’t require surgery, merely
‘rest and easy on the exercise for six weeks.’

I’d begged off going to the
bar earlier that night, saying my foot ached, so Coops and I had
stayed in. Surprisingly, he’d agreed to this without a fuss, but I
think it was because he thought there’d be sex involved. Sex was
the last thing on my mind. All I could think about was Ben and the
dream. It had returned with a vengeance.

Since the night at 41, I’d
woken up in a cold sweat on more than one occasion. It was the same
dream, only it turned into a nightmare that reminded me of a
raunchy hospital scene from a porn flick I’d seen once. How could I
tell Coops I’d been having orgasms in my sleep but he wasn’t the
man giving them to me?

Feeling glum, I sighed as I
stared up at the ceiling. Everywhere I turned, I saw his face, he
haunted my nights and every minute of my day was filled with a sort
of excited dread that he would make some move and I would be
powerless to resist. I had begun to ring Justin incessantly, on the
off chance that Ben might answer the phone and it was lucky I
couldn’t get behind the wheel or I would have done drive by’s of
his work, just ‘popping in’ because I was in the neighbourhood. He
was becoming an obsession. I had to tell Coops.

“
I think we have a
problem,” I said.

A tall, blonde problem, to
be precise.

Coops bristled. “You’re not
doing speed again?”

I shuffled onto my shoulder,
to face him, wondering how he could even entertain the thought. I
was an invalid for God’s sake, not a drug addict. It had been an
eternity since the episode with Mark but it always seemed to lurk
in the back of his mind. He couldn’t get past it. And this problem
was far bigger than anything speed could fix.

“
What is it?” he asked
quietly, not looking at me. His hand was squeezing mine so tight; I
could feel the trepidation building inside him.

“
It’s Ben.”

Coops bit his lip and
waited. His arm curved around my shoulder and he held me, as he
felt my body begin to shudder with tears. I had thought about it
for weeks, already knowing the solution but too scared to put it
into action. The night at 41 had only confirmed it.

“
Do I want to know what
you’re going to say?”

“
God, I feel like such a
bitch.”

“
Have you been sleeping
with him?” I felt him tense.

It was a natural assumption.
I hadn’t been the poster girl for monogamy before we got together.
“Oh God, no! I would never do that to you. I love you too much to
ever fool around on you.”

“
What then?”

I lay my head against his
chest. He’d been there for me through all the bad times and all the
times I’d behaved like a drama queen. It was breaking my heart to
have to utter the words but I couldn’t hurt Coops the way I’d hurt
Dean.

“
I think we should break
up.”

“
I don’t
understand.”

“
We’ve been friends for a
long time. I owe you some sort of explanation and if I’ve learnt
anything over the past few years it’s that keeping secrets, hiding
the truth and trying to deny your feelings doesn’t work. It always
ends in tears.”

“
Why?”

I looked at him. Why should
we break up? Why does it end in tears? Why do I love Ben and not
you?

“
Ben was my lover, my first
lover. We have a connection. He promised he would never leave
me.”

“
We have a connection
too.”

It was true, I reflected,
Coops and I did have a special bond that even Justin didn’t
understand but it wasn’t enough, not this time. I had to make him
see.

“
Ben and I were together
for a long time and then he moved away. Things happened,” I
continued, “and circumstances changed but even after all this time
the feeling between us is as strong as ever. I’ve tried to deny it
but it’s there. I can see it in his eyes and I can feel it every
time I look at him.”

“
So we’re through, you want
Ben and not me?” I could see the hurt growing, spreading over his
handsome face.

“
I don’t know what I want,
but what I’m saying is…..I don’t think it’s fair to go on being
with you if I can’t give you all my love.” I struggled with the
words. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done and yet deep down I
knew it was right. Justin had told me to do what was
right.

His eyes sparked with anger.
Coops never got angry. “For years, since the night in the garden,
I’ve wanted you and I knew you wanted me too. I’ve watched you fall
for other guys and helped you pick up the pieces. Now it’s our turn
and you’re going to toss it aside on a dream of the
past.”

He smashed the cushion with
his fist. “I don’t get you, Bella. Why do you destroy everything?
Don’t you want to be happy?”

I pulled his twisted fists
of hands to me. The tears fell from my eyes and landed on his
shirt, next to his heart. “I want to be happy so badly but if I’m
making you unhappy then it will never work, don’t you see? I love
you Coops, but not the way you deserve to be loved. I never
realised until now. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt
you.”

“
Then why? You know I love
you.”

“
Please don’t say that, I
don’t deserve your love. You should go and find a nice girl who can
give you all the love you need.”

“
I don’t want another girl.
I want you. I thought that one day, maybe, we’d get
married.”

“
In your heart, you know
that’ll never happen, don’t you?” I whispered. “Please don’t hate
me; I’m trying to do the right thing.”

His voice was fractured, the
anguish in his face a burden for me to carry, “I know, and I could
never hate you. I only want you to be happy.”

“
Then let me go. Let me be
free.”

And that was how it
happened. As Carole King sang “It’s Too Late,” we set each other
free.

Chapter 22

ALL I WANT IS YOU

But all the promises we
make

From the cradle to the
grave

When all I want is
you

U2

For the first time ever,
since I’d found out that boys were not some strange alien species
from another planet, I was single. It was an odd feeling, like the
day I’d been admitted to the ‘Bra Club’ at school. I wanted to be
in that club, to wear a bra no matter what the cup size, but once
in the club I’d discovered it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. A
bra could be an annoying thing. So could being single.

On the night before the
removal of my crutches, I drank with Justin and Nick at the bar.
Coops and Ben were noticeably absent.

“
Why didn’t he come?” I
moaned into my glass.

“
Who? Ben or
Coops?”

“
Coops, you ninny. As if I
want Ben here.”

“
He’s hurt, Bella. He wants
to stay home and mourn the loss of the love of his
life.”

I smiled wanly. “Thanks.
You’re supposed to be cheering me up, not making it worse. Give us
two more, please Nick.”

Nick produced the tequila
bottle, reproachfully. “Drowning your sorrows in ‘slammers’ doesn’t
help,
Cara
. You
should know that.”

“
I’m not drowning my
sorrows, I’m celebrating not having crutches after
tomorrow.”

“
That’s
pathetic.”

“
I know, but Coops isn’t
the only one hurting,” I pouted. “I just want him to be my friend
again. I want our friendship back the way it was. I want the days
when we danced together, before this all began.”

Before Ben came back and
made me yearn all over again.

“
You want too much,” Justin
said. “Things change.”

Nick put his hand over mine,
his mouth curving mischievously in my ear, “what you want is a good
seeing-to. Why don’t you step around into my office and I’ll see
what I can do for you? Sex with crutches could be
kinky.”

“
Hmm…. Tempting, but like
Jus said Nick, times have changed. Unfortunately, you’re still a
dirty boy. I’m just not that dirty a girl anymore.”

“
Offer’s on the
table,
Cara
” he
smiled, as he went to serve another customer.

***

The exhilaration of being a
single woman lasted approximately six weeks, at which time my foot
was mended, the sympathy being forgotten along with the crutches,
and I was sick of my own company. I’d tried every diversion in the
book but I was lonely.

“
What am I going to do?” I
asked Prue, as we sat in our regular lunch spot at Mocha. It was
just like being back at school, sitting in that café. Everyone had
his or her designated area and nobody dared to stray. We were all
too chic and too busy sipping latte grandes to notice the poor sods
vying for the draughty table by the door, forgetting that once in
the dim dark past we were them.

“
God, you’re hopeless. You
gave up a good thing with Coops, who’s still desperately in love
with you by the way, because you thought you were in love with Ben.
Now you’re single, all you do is whine about it. Life isn’t meant
to be perfect.”

I was flabbergasted. All
that coming from a woman who had experienced nothing but perfection
in her life since birth. Her childhood had been filled with every
luxury a girl could ever desire, right down to the genuine cork
wedge shoes and faux fur bomber jacket she owned at age
eleven.

“
But I don’t understand it.
I thought he would’ve been round like a shot when he found out
about the split but I haven’t seen hide nor hair of
him.”

“
Maybe he wants to give you
some time alone?”

I frowned. “I’ve had enough
time alone. Now I want Ben.”

“
Then why don’t you stop
being such a baby and act more like the woman of the world you’re
always claiming to be?”

“
How?”

“
Why don’t you do what
you’ve done with every other man you’ve ever wanted?”

“
What? Flirt?” I laughed.
Somehow, I felt there had to be more to the game plan than
flirting.

“
No, dummy. Just hang
around, be yourself. If you do that Ben will come running, he
always has. The man can’t resist you.”

“
What if it’s not
enough?”

“
What do you
mean?”

“
What if I wait and he
never comes?”

“
Oh for God’s sake. If he
doesn’t come you can give it up and get on with your
life.”

I smiled wanly. What she
said was true but the idea of being without Ben was as foreign to
me as watching TV on a Saturday night. It would never
happen.

“
I think the trick here,”
she continued, “is to let him believe that it’s his idea. Men like
to think they have all the good ideas. That doesn’t mean to say
that you can’t help him along to that way of thinking. Subtly, of
course.”

We both knew that’d be
difficult. I was as subtle as a sledgehammer.

***

It was ten o’clock, late to
begin an evening of drinking but perfect for what I had in mind
when I walked into the bar a few nights later. The plan was simple.
I was going to hang around, putting my single self in Ben’s path at
every opportunity. Surely, if I flirted a little and smiled a lot,
it wouldn’t take too long till he began to froth at the mouth
again. If that failed, there was always Nick to make him jealous.
He loved to play games.