Heaven in Hedonism (The Sinful Series Book 3) (3 page)

“Hold up,” she said seriously. In the background I could hear the rustling of sheets and the sound of a motor. “I’m sitting up. It takes a minute,” she grumbled.

“Thank you, Sin, because I need more guilt.” I sighed heavily while watching the door. Mac could come in any moment.

“What’s up with you? This is not my Jolie,” she complained.

“I’m not anyone’s Jolie. I’m all grown up and on my own.”

She was quiet a moment before speaking softly. “You don’t have to be, you know? You could find love, if you’d stop pushing people away so well.”

“Let’s not talk about this love crap. It works for you and Ben. It’s a great look for you, but for me, it’s a lot more complicated.”

“Can’t find the right girl?” she asked. Sin never minced words.

“Can’t find any girl. I’ve lost interest.”

Chuckling, she said, “Well, maybe you are looking in all the wrong places. Maybe it’s time to reconsider your stance on guys.”

“Gah,” I moaned. “Mac would love to hear you say that.”

Immediately I realized my mistake. I could almost hear her grab onto those words. “Who’s Mac?” Her tone of voice left no doubt as to how interested she was in the answer.

“My boss. And it would be wildly cliché. Nope. He’s completely wrong…wrong gender, wrong age, wrong style, just wrong wrong wrong.” As I spoke, my head was shaking emphatically. Too bad she couldn’t see it.

“Right. Sometimes, Jolie, all wrong is completely right. I think they taught us that in math, something about a bunch of negatives making a positive, or some crap like that.”

Letting out a hollow laugh, I said, “Hire a tutor for the twins when they get to higher level math. You could never wrap your pretty little head around those numbers.”

“Yeah, well, you could never wrap your head around your own emotions. You have always been fantastic at doling out advice to me. And it was some good advice. Really. Look at me. Now, it’s your turn,” she said in a way that suggested she was just gearing up. “Physician, heal thyself.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I grumbled.

“It means think about all those harsh words you’ve had for me throughout the years and apply them to your own life. Before you regret it.”

In the background, I could hear Ben’s voice. “Hey, gorgeous, I’ve brought your ride. Time to go love on those babies.”

“Jolie, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”

“Hey, give them some love from me!” I called, hoping she heard me before she ended the call.

Then as an afterthought, I sent her a text message.

Me: Do you think I try to shock people to keep them away?

Her response was quick and succinct.

Sin: Definitely.

Well, enough said, I guess. Leaning over my desk, I held my head in my hands. Nothing was going the way I expected. When I told Sin it was time to stop running, maybe I only meant her. Maybe I was not ready to settle down. I was still living in an apartment after all this time, even when I had the credit and the cash to purchase some incredible real estate. I was about ready to quit this job without a plan in mind. At the moment, I had zero interest in dating. Hell, I’d even stopped masturbating and I’d been doing that since I was twelve. What. The. Hell.

The chair on the other side of my desk creaked. Immediately, I stiffened and swiped at my eyes before meeting the face of the only other person in the office tonight. Fuck. It was Mac. His face was the picture of concern. His mannerisms, the quiet way he moved, the gentleness of his touch when he laid a hand on my arm, the slight pout to his lips made me cry harder.

“Have I told you how much I hate you?” I asked him in frustration. “Could I not have a minute?”

Shaking his head, his grasp on my arm tightened. “Why are you crying? You should never cry alone.”

“Well, my boss,” I began in an effort to joke and deflect. It was my way. Mac saw through it.

“Really. What’s bothering you, not Just Jolie?” A smile played at the corner of his lips at what was obviously his attempt at lightening the mood.

“Not just?” I asked, brightening some, even if I wanted to fight it.

“Yeah. There is so much more to you. And I want to know all of it.” Even if he meant it in the most innocent of ways, his words had the opposite effect.

“Time to call it a night, I think,” I mumbled as I pushed back my chair and stood.

“You’ve just got here,” he said exasperated. “How am I supposed to calculate your pay for this?” He stood across from me, arms in the air as though he was genuinely confused.

“Let me make it easy for you. Don’t pay me for today. Hell, you can charge me for the cocoa, if you want. I don’t need the money. I don’t need the job.” I headed toward the exit.

“Jolie, don’t quit on me,” he said shrilly. He caught up to me once more and placed a hand on my shoulder.

Whipping around, my natural response was to throw my hands up and get in a fighting stance. When he stepped back, I dropped my hands and one lone tear made its way down my cheek. “Why not? I’m completely miserable.”

Slowly he closed the distance between us. “I don’t think it’s the job,” he said quietly. “I think this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. What do you normally do in a situation like this, when you are this unhappy?”

A mirthless laugh escaped my lips. “Simple. I move.”

“Okay, so not that. Do you want to take a few days off? A week? You tell me.” There was a desperate edge to his voice. “I need you on this project, Jolie, but I need you happy even more.”

Shaking my head, I looked at him. “When have you ever known me to be happy?”

His eyes darted back and forth. Apparently he was thinking on that. “There have been times, at the beginning.”

“Eh, this place was all shiny and new. It doesn’t count. And I was mostly happy for Sin anyway.”

“So, what’s the next best thing to quitting? How can we get you happy again?” His blue green eyes pierced through my very best shields. Powerless to look away, I met his gaze and shrugged. “There has to be something.
Think
,” he urged.

So, I did. One thought kept recurring in my mind. My whole life had become a case of what would Sin do? Then it hit me. “I need to go away for a week, or two.” The idea took hold, the merit growing. “I’ll get my head right.” Then I frowned.

“What’s wrong now?” he asked, sounding more than a little exasperated.

His tone made me smile.
Why do I derive such pleasure from upsetting him? “
I’ve never traveled alone,” I whispered, looking down at the floor. When I met his eyes once more, mine were glassy with tears threatening to spill over. This must be PMS. I never got this emotional.

“Okay, how about this. You take two weeks off,” he said. From the way he was running his hand through his hair, I could tell he was making this up as he went along. From the look on his face, whatever he was about to pull out of his butt was a doozy. “This first week, you’re on your own. The second week, however, we’ll travel together.”

Opening my mouth, I prepared a series of objections. “Why would I travel with you?” I spluttered. Yet even as I asked, I realized I kind of really wanted to. I didn’t want to go away all by myself. Sure, that last cruise, I might as well have been on my own, but always in the back of my mind, I knew Sin was there, knew I could find her if I needed her. For ten years, that had been our way. I wasn’t ready to be alone, to travel without a companion. Ah, but the fighter in me wasn’t going to just tap out. He’d have to work for this.

“I haven’t taken a vacation in years. Like you, it’s not because I can’t afford one, it’s because I didn’t want to travel alone.” His words struck me with their sincerity.

“Don’t you have friends?” I asked incredulously.

“Of course I do. No friends. Preposterous.”

The way the words sounded with his accent had me smiling. “Right. So they don’t have money. You couldn’t afford to pay. What?” He squirmed under my scrutiny.

“Could we just pick a destination?” he asked exasperated.

Making a face, I shrugged. “Sure. Why not?” I already had an idea in mind. The minute he offered, it had popped into my head out of nowhere. It was a test. The best test ever. “Negril,” I said simply.

“Ah, Jamaica mon,” he said, trying to alter his accent. The effect was quite charming. “Shall I make the arrangements?” He was relaxing and perking up, which was why I went for the kill.

“Nope. I’ve got it covered. I’m impressed.” By now I could scarcely hide my smirk.

“Why’s that?” he asked as he walked me toward the building’s exit.

“I didn’t think you’d be that amenable to going to Hedonism.” Then I winked at him as I walked through the door he currently held open for me.

His eyes bulged. “What’s Hedonism?”

Patting him on the shoulder, I said, “You’re a computer geek. You figure it out. And if you change your mind, call me or drop me a text.” I think I half expected him to balk, but he didn’t. He barely flinched.

“That won’t happen. I’ll call you in a few days to see when I need to pick you up.” He continued walking by my side.

“What are you doing?” I asked, throwing my hands up in the air.

“I’m a gentleman. It’s dark. I’m walking you to your car. Got it? And I’m not backing out, no matter how much you try to shock me or scare me away. Understand?” Arms crossed over his chest, he made a stern face.

“Whatever. We’ll see.” Shaking my head, I added, “I don’t know why I’ve suddenly become your little project. We have nothing in common.” With that, I pulled out my keys and unlocked the door of my truck. Once seated inside, I rolled down the window.

Smiling, he asked, “Is this yours?” Sticking the key in the ignition, I simply nodded. “Well, then we have more in common than you think.” Then he started to walk back into the building.

“Hey!” I yelled. “What’s that mean?”

Hands raised, he laughed. “I guess you’ll just have to wait and see!” he yelled back across the parking lot.

When I reached my apartment, I knew just what to do. It was funny that in taking a break from my job, I had suddenly found my sense of purpose. Getting online, I booked the reservations for Hedonism, selecting two suites and requesting that they be near each other. Surely, Mac didn’t expect us to share a bed. Even if he did, I had seen to it we wouldn’t be. I was in rush to prove myself and maybe ensure that he didn’t have time to change his mind. There were a lot of boxes to check before paying, and I couldn’t be bothered to read them all. What I did catch was the checklist. Scanning the list, it seemed pretty basic, but we’d have to bring our birth certificates to present at check-in. Then I booked our flight. We would be flying overnight, which was my favorite. There was nothing like waking up in our destination. Already, I was feeling so much better. Time to text Mac.

Me: Reservations are made. Flight is scheduled. Pick me up Sunday night at 7. Don’t forget your birth certificate in addition to that passport.

Setting the phone down, I went over to my stove to start the water. I never did finish my hot chocolate at the office. Then I left it on my desk. There would be cocoa before I went to bed. By the time I had the water on the burner, my phone had chimed.

Mac: Sounds great. See you then
.


I had to look twice. Seriously. He ended his message with a smiley face. I couldn’t think of a time that I had ever done that to anyone. What the hell was I doing with this man? How was I going to survive a week in another country with him? Well, we weren’t sharing a room, which meant I could share my bed with anyone. That should help. A smile spread across my face as I imagined the people I could meet at Hedonism.

Of course, now I had a week to kill in the meantime. Then the smile turned to a frown. It was more like five days, really. Sin. I needed her. Tilting my head, I considered maybe she needed me too. Suddenly I knew where I’d go in the morning. Feeling somewhat calmer, I made my drink and added enough whole milk to ensure I could drink it rapidly. There was no need to savor it. Instead, I needed sleep. It had been far too long. A warm chocolaty belly was a step in the right direction, but an orgasm would really help me reach my destination so much faster.

Setting the empty mug in the sink, I filled it with water to make for an easier clean in the morning. It gave me an idea. The bed hadn’t been working for me at all lately, but maybe the shower would yield the release I needed. Heading out of the kitchen, I walked straight into my bedroom, peeled off my clothes, and tossed them into the laundry basket I had on the floor of my closet. I was average height for a female and lean, often too skinny. Lately, food had lost all flavor, just like my life. There was no spice in it, just a bland existence. It made me feel pathetic.

Walking into the bathroom, I avoided looking in the mirror and instead went directly to the shower. Turning the faucet on, I made it as hot as I could stand it. Stepping into the stream, I let the steam hit me and savored the feel of the water as it rolled down my body. Smoothing my hair back, I reached for the body wash. As usual, I had worked up a decent sweat while punching the bag in the gym. It had felt great, but washing all that away felt better. Popping the top of the soap, I squeezed a healthy dollop into my palm before replacing the bottle in the shower caddy. Rubbing my hands together, I slathered the gel over my arms and shoulders before gliding over my flat stomach and sliding up my narrow sides until I reached my chest.

Some women had breasts. I had nubbins, these tiny elevations topped by a dark peach peak. Never would I be more than a handful, I was barely a palmful. Still, I had always loved how sensitive and responsive those nipples were. The water had washed away the bubbles, but still I was tugging the hard knobs until I could feel the familiar warmth spreading inside me. Slowly, my right hand moved down between my thighs. At first I was simply cleaning, but soon the movement had changed. My fingers knew what to do, finding my clitoris, rubbing just right above it.

It didn’t take long, doing it my way right away. Part of me wondered if I’d be able to remain standing. This wasn’t the way I normally worked. My knees weakened, threatening to buckle. Leaning against the shower wall, I lowered myself until I was sitting on the edge with my legs spread wide. My fingers worked frantically until I felt it, that welcome release, the rolling waves within as my walls contracted. Part of me wished I had something inside me to tighten around, but then I shivered at a long hidden memory. No. Never again.

The calm that normally washed over me post orgasm had disappeared almost immediately. Why was my past bothering me so much lately? It had to be a combination of things…no Sin to keep me busy and a Mac keeping me constantly ill at ease. Somehow, I needed one good night of sleep. Really, I had to believe it would make all the difference in my attitude.

Drying off, I hung up my towel on the back of the door. Standing naked before the mirror, I combed out my hair. It was finally a shoulder length bob. After brushing my teeth, I reached for the lotions, one for my face, the other for my body. Though I was rubbing my hands over all the same places, it didn’t have nearly the effect it had in the shower. Now I was all business. Glancing at the clock, I saw it was minutes before midnight, time for bed. Pulling back the comforter for the first time in days, I luxuriated in the feeling of the sheets on my naked body, while willing sleep to come.

*  *  *

Just after three in the morning, a text came in. I know this because the damn chime woke me up. For as long as I could remember, I had never been woken up by the sound, which would be why it had never occurred to me to turn it off. Oh, and no one ever bothered me in the middle of the night. It was just damn rude. Guilt hit me for a moment as I considered it might be Sin with an emergency. Maybe the twins had taken a turn for the worse.

Tapping in my password, I swiped at the screen and accessed the offending message. It was Sin. She sent a picture of my namesake, taking her first bottle. Okay, it was impossible to be upset over that.

Me: Cute!

Then I went back to sleep. Half an hour later, the phone chimed once more. I loved Sin, but right now I loved sleep more. This time, it was Brendan being held by Ben.

Me: Nice

See what I did there? No exclamation. No conversation. It should be obvious by now that I was really not in the mood.

So at five in the morning when the phone chimed again, I seriously yanked it, cord and all, out of the wall, and threw it out the bedroom door into the living area without even leaving my bed. It felt good, for all of twelve seconds. Then the guilt set in and I climbed out of bed to retrieve the cell. Sure enough, it was Sin again. It was their first family portrait. Really, it was beautiful. It would have still been beautiful after breakfast. She could have sent it then. My text this time was much different.

Me: Love it. Would have loved it even better after 8am. Let me sleep and I’ll bring your favorite for breakfast. Text me again and I’ll eat it in front of you.

And that was how I achieved cell silence. Only I couldn’t fall back to sleep. The room was still dark. There was no noise. The temperature was perfect, not too hot or too cold. Still, I couldn’t manage to get comfortable, settle in, and rest again. Finally, I gave up and decided to get dressed for the day. Sadly, it was only seven in the morning when I wandered out to the kitchen in a sleep-deprived stupor.

Feeling slightly naughty, I called Sin. No subtle text messaging for her. After two rings, she answered. The first sound I heard was a yawn. Was it wrong that her obvious exhaustion brought me so much pleasure? Sorry, not sorry.

“Wake up, gorgeous,” I mumbled into the phone. “I couldn’t sleep, so I’m headed your way. Want the usual from Starbucks?”

“Mmhm,” she said without even opening her mouth. It was something I’d seen her do countless times before. Each time, it tickled me. She looked so sweet when she did it.

“See you in an hour.”

The drive was becoming more familiar to me. Stopping at the Starbucks near the hospital, I picked up our drinks and breakfast. Then, because I realized that Ben would probably want to join us, I took a stab in the dark and bought some extra food for him too. Again I managed to park far from the riffraff and walked into the building.

It didn’t take long for me to arrive at her room. When I pushed the door open, Sin was sobbing and Ben was trying to comfort her. Setting everything down on her hospital bed table, I moved in to give her the hug. My heart was in my throat, imagining the very worst, which would be the loss of a baby.

“What happened?” I asked, holding her tightly against me.

“I’m being discharged,” she managed in between hiccups.

Brow furrowed, I tried to figure out the down side. “That’s a good thing, Sin.” Looking at Ben, he shrugged helplessly before explaining.

“The twins need to be here a few more days,” he told me. “They need some time under the billi lights for jaundice. And they want to watch them without oxygen for a day or two. That’s all.”

Pushing her back slightly, I looked her in the eye. “This. This is why you are crying? I thought one of them had died, Sin. That was cruel.”

“But I can’t take them home with me!” she wailed.

“Get over it. You will. And when you do they will be healthy. Is the nursery ready?” I asked sternly.

Shaking her head, she admitted quietly, “I thought I had more time.”

“Well there. Now you have something to keep you busy. And we’ll come up and visit a couple of times a day.” Already I was formulating a plan.

“Wait. We?” Sin asked, brightening some.

“Yeah, I’m on vacation for two weeks. You get me for the first one, you lucky bitch.” I smiled widely at her.

Oh, but Sin never missed anything. Even with her post partum hormonal surge, she picked right up on the little tidbit I had left out. “What are you doing the other week?” she asked, wearing a knowing look.

Walking over to the bag on her table, I opened it and pulled out the pastries I had selected. Then I passed her the drink I knew she was dying for. “Bon appetite!” I announced.

Looking at me from the corner of her eyes, she asked, “Are you trying to distract me with food?”

Slowly, I responded, “Maybe. Is it working?”

Glancing over at Ben, she frowned. “For now.”

An hour later, we had finished all the food and started working on plans for the next week. Just after eleven in the morning, a nurse arrived with discharge instructions. Acting much happier than she was when I arrived, she prepared to go home.

“Listen, I need to head to the winery. We have an event this weekend and I’m going to be ridiculously busy right up to the last minute. Do you mind driving Sin home?” Ben asked while Sin was in the shower.

“I’d love to,” I said, a smile lighting up my face. “This may be one of the last times that I have the chance to be alone with her.” I winked.

“You know,” Ben began slowly, “you are so different than you were when we first met. Something has changed.”

“Yeah,” I admitted, “I wish I knew what it was.”

By noon, we were on our way. Sin had spent time with the twins. Ben had pulled me aside to express his gratitude for my presence. Me, I was pretty much taking it all in and feeling a bit wistful. Watching Ben and Sin together with the babies made me want things I never believed I could have. Apparently, I was too quiet.

“What’s up?” Sin asked, moving gingerly to look at me. “Damn, my vag hurts! I know what my problem is. So, what’s your excuse?”

I tried to play coy. “Nothing,” I said, the picture of calm.

“Right. Talk to me or I tell Ben your real name.” She crossed her arms over her chest.

“You wouldn’t dare!” I shrieked, glancing at her.

“Eyes on the road, He—”

“See that pothole up there?” I asked, interrupting her. “Say it and I’ll hit it.”

“God, you used to be so much fun! I thought I was the one who was supposed to get all lame now that I’m a wife and mother,” she complained.

Tears formed in my eyes. Shaking my head sadly, I sniffled. “I know.”

“Oh, is the air conditioning blowing in your face?” she asked uncomfortably.

“No, Sin. I’m crying. Damn, I thought you were over this by now,” I grumbled.

“I am. I was trying to help you, give you an out.” She explained.

Frowning, I said, “I don’t need an out. I’m perfectly fine with owning my feelings. I’m very complex. I’ll own all of them!”

Leaning onto my shoulder in the close cab of the Mini Cooper Truck, she murmured, “So what are you feeling now?”

“I think I’m a little jealous. Maybe I want a baby,” I said quietly.

Sitting up suddenly, she moaned in pain, then recovered to say, “You do realize that you would need to have sex with a man to do that, right?”

“You didn’t.” I snickered.