Heaven in Hedonism (The Sinful Series Book 3) (4 page)

“Well, there’s that route, I suppose, but have you noticed all you would be missing if you did it that way?” She looked at me earnestly with those gorgeous eyes of hers. “Honestly, I can’t imagine going through all of that without Ben. He was my rock and my teddy bear.” She smiled while she spoke. “I want this for you. All of it.”

“Impossible.” I shrugged. “There’s no way.”

“Ah, but there is,” she murmured as she leaned in. “I’ll tell you a secret.”

Smirking, I asked, “Oh, and what’s that?”

“The trick…is to get over it.”

My brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“It’s different for everyone. For me, it was what’s his name. He was my defining moment. Letting him go, letting go of my past, it made room for the love of my life.” As I stared at her, she radiated happiness and peace.

Oh, how I wanted that. “So what do I have to get over?” I asked.

Reaching over, Sin took my hand in hers. “You know,” she whispered.

Yanking my hand back, I could feel the panic rising in my throat. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes you do. I’ve always known. We went to the same high school. We hung out in the same crowd. And after, when everyone else turned away, you turned to me. Remember?” she asked, willing me to understand.

“You knew.” Blinded by tears, I pulled over on the side of the road and bolted from the cab. My breakfast was threatening a repeat performance. Sure enough, by the time I reached the rear of the truck, I was puking on the shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Sin asked, carefully exiting the vehicle.

Nodding, I pointed for her to back away. “Fine. Just gimme a minute. And a napkin. Try the glove box. Maybe a mint.” I looked at her sheepishly.

Mostly ignoring everything I said, she pulled a tissue from her purse. “Here,” she said as she passed it to me. “I’m pretty sure I have some Tic Tacs in here too.” Digging deeper, I could hear all kinds of noise.

“What do you have in that thing?” I joked.

“Everything.” Finally her hand emerged with the small plastic container. “Ta da!”

Snatching it from her, I emptied about half the container into my hand and slammed them into my mouth. After sucking and chewing for a moment, I mumbled, “Thank you.”

Slowly, we walked back to our respective sides of the vehicle. As soon as we were seated, I was acutely aware of her eyes on me. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I pleaded.

With a sigh, she said, “I’ve let you get away without talking about it for years. When it first happened, I knew it was too painful, but now, it’s become this festering wound. Andrew was your defining moment. Time to rise from the ashes, babe.”

An involuntary shiver ran through me. “How did he define me?” I whimpered. This was the scariest conversation I’d ever had. I liked it so much better when I was the strong one, the one in the right. Everything lately had just felt so wrong.

“Seriously?” Her eyes widened. “How about you suddenly became a lesbian?”

Tears poured down my face. “That’s not fair. That’s just when I knew,” I said weakly.

“I’ve let you make that claim for years. I almost believed you, but ever since we met Ben, you’ve been different, like you wished you had someone like him.” She smiled wistfully. “We all do. And you deserve that kind of love too. You know that, right?”

Shaking my head, I asked, “How could any man love me? How could I love any man after…that.”

We were driving again. We had made it as far as Sin’s ridiculously long driveway. In a few minutes we’d be at the house. I wasn’t ready to be around her staff yet. Lucy would try to coddle me. I hated coddling, especially when I needed it.

“Well, you could start by talking about it, letting go, and learning to love yourself.” More Sin wisdom.

“Who are you? The Dalai fucking Lama?” I swiped at the tears.

“It was still a new concept back then. No one understood it. You get that right? You know you weren’t asking for it. It was date rape.” The look on her face was intent.

“I was a virgin and a cheerleader. Those two things didn’t go together junior year. And when this star football player wanted to take me to the drive in, I was so excited. I probably would have slept with him…”

Shaking her head, she said, “But not like that. He forced you, took away your choice. It shouldn’t have been like that.”

I didn’t know what to say. We parked in front of the house. George rushed out to come gather our bags, but Sin kindly sent him away. Staring into the distance, I was instantly transported back to that night. I wore a skirt. Why didn’t I wear jeans? Why did I have to make it easy on him? I let him kiss me. I may have even kissed back. From there, it just grew more intense. He was everywhere all at once. He had me pinned in the back seat and I was so weak, so thin, all of ninety pounds soaking wet. Of course, I was scared, so I wasn’t wet. He didn’t care. He seemed deaf to my pleas. I pushed him. I punched him. His grip on me only tightened. The harder I fought, the more it hurt, until finally, I stopped fighting. I just lay there and allowed it to happen. He tried to kiss me when he dropped me off. He promised to call, told me I was awesome. I was numb. Luckily it was one of the nights my mom worked. Now that I was older, she didn’t worry about leaving me alone after dark as much. So I showered in peace. I never mentioned it to her. I wasn’t sure she would have known how to help me anyway. After all, Andrew came from a very powerful family. We weren’t. I tried to talk to Natalie, my former best friend.

Looking at Sin, I said, “Natalie said I was making it up. She said I was just ashamed to admit I wanted it. Everyone wanted Andrew. Why would he have to force himself on anyone?” I sniffled. “Then it was all over school. Andrew was privately furious with me, and publicly made fun of me. I quit cheerleading. I quit everything. That’s when
our
friendship grew. I thought you might not know, since you never brought it up. I needed to be around someone who didn’t hate me or worse…pity me. It was one of the many reasons you were so easy to be around. You never cared what anyone thought. You were my hero. Maybe you still are. And suddenly, that money I had been saving all along had a new purpose. We left and never went back. It was therapy and revenge…my happiness.”

“I know,” Sin murmured into my hair while she hugged me. “Only you aren’t happy anymore. And those walls you built to protect yourself have become a prison.”

My eyes widened. There was more truth to her words than she knew. “I’ve stopped sleeping.”

“So you’ve decided to take some time off and get back to yourself. I think that’s a great idea. What are you doing for the rest of your vacation?” she asked me. “No evasive techniques this time.”

Turning my glassy eyes to her, I said simply, “I’m going to Hedonism.”

“You still love to shock me, don’t you?” Sin asked me later while we were lounging around the pool.

“Eh, I do love to see those eyes about bulge from their sockets,” I admitted, smiling over at her from behind my sunglasses.

We had unpacked her and worked on the nursery for several hours before I saw the color beginning to drain from her face. It took some convincing, but with George and Lucy’s help, I was able to get her to relax by the pool with a chocolate milk. Apparently, this motherhood thing came with a ton of responsibilities. She had to pump every couple of hours. The need to do so was what initially had us rushing from the truck. Her shirt had two growing wet spots. It made me laugh and she figured it was a small price to pay to give me some joy. Then she was shouting something about not wasting liquid gold and locked herself in the downstairs powder room. When I walked by the door, I heard a motor running. In the past, I would have suspected a vibrator, but now that she was all mature and motherly, I was going to guess it was her breast pump.

When she finally emerged, she was happier, more relaxed than I had seen in hours, and carrying a baggie of cream colored milky liquid. Walking to the kitchen she grabbed a permanent marker and wrote the date and time on a label she found on a sheet in her purse before peeling it off. “Just feeding the twins,” she had commented while I watched.

“By emptying the girls.” I teased.

“Yup. It’s sexy.”

“Well, you look tired. You just gave birth yesterday. Let’s rest a bit, then I’ll drive you back to the hospital to deliver the milk and snuggle the babies.”

“No, I need to start laundry,” she began.

“I’ll do the laundry,” Lucy piped in.

“Then what will I do?” she asked.

“There are several really lonely looking lounge chairs out back.” George suggested.

“Go get changed into one of your maternity suits,” I ordered.

This was how we ended out back beside the pool. It didn’t take long for the sunshine and cool water to have the desired effect on both of us. Only while I was busy relaxing and letting my guard down, she was apparently planning and plotting.

“Who are you going with?” Sin asked me as I took a sip of the sweet tea Lucy had made me.

Her words startled me and had me spluttering. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I said, even as I realized she could immediately see through both my words and tone.

“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “Let’s try this again. You have never traveled alone, H. Jolie Ward. Who are you going with?”

“Wow. You are serious. You never use most of my name,” I joked. “And I love how you channeled your best mommy voice on me. You are a natural.”

“Thank you,” she said crisply. “Now stop avoiding the question.”

“There’s no getting out of this?” I asked as I batted my eyelashes at her. “You know, I can be quite charming, I’ve been told.”

“Who’s lying to you now?” she asked.

“That was mean!”

“You know I’m teasing, but seriously, answer the question.” Her eyes studied me for a reaction.

Sighing, I tried to figure out how to explain it in a way that made sense to both of us. Honestly, I was still working on rationalizing my rash decision. “Mac. He’s my boss. And we’re staying in separate rooms. Doesn’t count. We both just needed to get away and he didn’t want to travel alone either.” I shrugged, hoping I had covered all my bases and she’d leave it alone. Just to be certain, I threw in a new distraction. “Oh, and I hope you don’t mind, but I snagged a few tampons from under your sink. We’ll have to stop at the pharmacy while we’re out.”

“No worries. I wanted to go there anyway. I have a pain script to fill that I forgot all about until the hospital meds wore off.” She smiled at me. “As for Mac, I need to meet him.”

“Well, I don’t see that happening.” Instead of being satisfied, she continued to stare at me. “There’s no reason to meet. He’s nobody.”

“Sometimes a nobody becomes somebody super important.” Then she felt her breasts. “Time to pump.”

Standing, I reached over and offered her a hand. With a smile, she took it. She stood up with a whimper.

“You haven’t turned me off to a baby,” I said seriously. “I have a much higher pain tolerance than you do.”

Laying a hand on my shoulder, she said sadly, “I know.” Then she walked into the house to collect her liquid gold.

*  *  *

An hour later, we had filled her prescription, picked up my feminine hygiene products, and parked at the hospital. As we walked in, Sin turned to me and said, “You’re going to have to help me with the twins. Maybe you can bottle feed one while I nurse the other.”

My heart pounded in my chest. For a moment, the constant ache dulled. “Twist my arm,” I joked.

Sin’s normally stylish purse was replaced with a stylish cooler. Stopping at the desk, she showed her pink and blue bracelets so that we could be buzzed in. Then we headed directly to the sinks to wash for three minutes before we could see them.

“Remember when you used to wear diamond bracelets?” I asked, nodding at her wrist.

“Yup.”

“You seem far more proud of these than you ever did of those,” I noted.

“Oh, I am. Anyone with money can have diamonds, but me, I made babies with my soul mate. What could be more special?” She smiled warmly.

Sin was right. Though she didn’t say it directly, I understood what was implied. Anyone could make a baby, too, but only a select few could make love babies. The ache was back. A frozen pop would never do. Slowly, I could feel my dream slipping away. “We may never be able to raise our babies together,” I commented.

Squeezing my arm, she murmured, “Don’t give up so quickly. Life has a way of surprising us.”

“It’s funny, but these last few days, I’ve been thinking about motherhood more and more.  I can’t see a man in my future, but I can’t imagine life without a baby to love.  Does that make any sense?”  Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe I was admitting all this.

“I hear what you’re saying, but I still believe you’re going to have it all.  Just like me.”  Sin smiled warmly.  She really did believe what she was saying.

Then we walked into the NICU. It was much different being on that side of the glass. There was more noise, the beeping of the monitors, the strange pops and motors of the machines. How any baby could get rest in that place was beyond me. Seconds later, we were beside the twins and they were passed out. Their nurse came over and Sin passed her the milk.

“Thank you!” she chirped. “And who’s this?” she asked while smiling at me.

“This is Jolie,” I said, confident the woman needed more adult interaction. I glanced at the twins. “So, you drug them, right?” I may have smiled, but I was only half joking.

“No, ma’am,” she said, the smiling façade never breaking. “These little ones learn to sleep through anything.

“Ah, I see.”

“Jolie and I talked,” Sin began, “and I’ll nurse one while she bottle feeds the other, if you don’t mind.”

“Well, we can give that a try. Are you planning on strictly nursing?” the nurse wondered.

“No. I want Ben to be able to feed them too. I figured they could take turns nursing and he’d always have a baby to bottle feed breast milk.”

I marveled over her. Obviously they had this all figured out. If I had twins, I’d feel overwhelmed. Or…maybe I wouldn’t if I had help like she did. Soon we were sitting in rockers across from one another in between the isolettes. Sin was doing a fine job of discreetly nursing Jolie while I was bottle-feeding Brendan.

“I could do this all day,” I murmured. He had one hand wrapped around my pinky. “I’m pretty sure this little guy made me believe in love at first sight. Now, if I could only feel that for someone closer to my age.”

Sin laughed. “Oh, babies are easy to love. And I really believe that if you just open your heart, you could feel this romantic, passionate love for someone.” She let out a slow blissful sigh. “I never thought I’d want this. Now, I can’t imagine my life without Ben and our babies.”

“Eh, we’ll see,” I said non-committally.

Even though my head was down studying her son, I could feel her eyes boring into me. “So, how long can you stay?” she asked quietly.

“Well, I’m leaving on Sunday evening. I was planning on going back to San Francisco on Saturday at the latest, getting my laundry caught up, that kind of thing.” Brendan had sucked down his entire bottle and now I was rolling him over on my lap to burp him.

“Could you stay until Sunday morning, or at least late Saturday night?” she asked, eyes twinkling with mischief. “Lucy will do your laundry if that helps.”

My lips pursed as I considered having someone other than me clean my underwear. “Nah. I’ll get it done on Sunday. I’ll just need to leave by lunch. Will that work?”

She nodded happily and switched breasts. Apparently Jolie was quite the little eater. Then a new thought occurred to me.

“Why do you want me to stay so badly?” I frowned while I awaited her answer.

A smile spread across her face. “We have an event Saturday, a wedding. I need to be able to take pictures. They hired me. Lucy can care for the babies, if they are home by then, but I could really use an assistant.”

I pictured her running around a venue taking photos. It could be a lot of work just being on her feet that long, forget about lugging the equipment. No doubt Ben would be busy in other areas. So, it was the very least I could do for her, acting as her pack mule. “Of course. I’d love to,” I said sincerely.

*  *  *

The week passed in a flurry of hospital trips broken up by Lucy’s amazing meals and some short walks around the vineyard. Sin had a really difficult time relaxing by the pool and seemed determined to lose the baby weight as quickly as she could, or die trying. I didn’t think I’d do that. As someone who had struggled her entire life to gain weight, I might enjoy the extra pounds.

Decorating for the wedding began on Friday evening. I helped as much as I could, careful to follow Sin’s exacting standards. The woman knew what she wanted. Of course, she had also probably met the bride and knew what she wanted as well. “Is she a bridezilla?” I asked in frustration after I was asked to retie the same bow on the back of one chair four times.

Shaking her head, Sin admitted, “It’s not her, it’s me. She has some pretty powerful connections and this could lead to a good deal more business. We have a living to make here.”

I smiled. “You’re both really well off. I can’t believe you still worry like that.”

Her brow furrowed. “I have to. This is our future, our children’s legacy. Family is everything.” She walked toward me. “And it’s more than that. All these people who work for the vineyard, even George and Lucy who run our home, they depend on us. It would be incredibly irresponsible for us to do anything to jeopardize their livelihoods. We need to be in a position to give them raises, bonuses, and perks.”

“Okay,” I mumbled. Her words had humbled me. “I’ll make the best bows ever.”

“The wedding party should be here later this evening. They are coming for the rehearsal around seven.” She spoke the words as she rushed about the enormous tasting room that was acting as the reception site.

“We’ll be ready,” I assured her.

Just then a text message chimed on my phone. It was Mac.

Mac: I haven’t heard from you for a few days. Ps. Are you gonna give me your address?

Me: You’re some kind of computer genius. Find me.

I chuckled, feeling pretty proud of myself. If it came down to it, and he couldn’t get it from HR on the late notice, I’d break down and give it to him. Right now, however, I wanted to make him work for it. Without another thought, I puttered around setting up centerpieces. Moments later, there was a tap on my shoulder. Whirling around with a smile on my face, I was shocked to see the tapper was Mac.

Instantly, my smile faded. “Well, that was ridiculous. How did you find me so quickly?”

Throwing his head back in laughter, he finally smiled and said, “Blame it on a happy coincidence.”

“What’s happy about it?” I asked, frowning.

“You’re here, I’m here.”

“Right. And the coincidence would be?”

His blue-green eyes sparkled. “You’re here. I’m here. Seems like it was meant to be.” He looked about and realized I was working. “So you took a vacation from working as a computer programmer to work as wedding planner?”

It was my turn to laugh. When I finished, I explained. “No, my best friend’s husband owns the winery. She’s just had twins and needed some help.”

“Ah, the reason you were at the hospital.” He nodded in understanding.

Suddenly, the moment felt uncomfortable. I knew how to talk to him in the office, but now I had no idea what to say to him out in public. “So, don’t you have a rehearsal?” I guessed.

Shaking his head, he smirked. “For a female, you lack even the basest of curiosities. Don’t you even care whose wedding it is?”