Her Secret, His Love-Child (10 page)

‘You’re as pretty as your mother. Do you know that?’

Katrina’s throat clogged with emotion.

Maybe he did care for her just a little bit. Maybe there
was
a chance he’d fall in love with her.

She heard Alex mutter something, but she couldn’t make out what it was. She then heard a couple of sounds she couldn’t decipher.

The next thing she knew, the bedroom door was flung back on its hinges. She jumped a foot in the air. ‘What the…?’ she gasped, bolting upright, her hand pressing against her chest. ‘You scared me half to death!’

‘Sorry.’ He paused for a heartbeat then said in a voice she barely recognised, ‘Sam’s sick. We need to take her to the hospital.’

For the first time Katrina noticed that their daughter was cradled in his arms.

She blinked rapidly.

Her brain felt as if it was encased in fog, yet at the same time it was as clear as it had ever been.

Because suddenly what had been bothering her just smacked her across the face. Alex was never as relaxed with his daughter as the man at the beach had been with his son.

It was a subtle thing, which explained why it had been so difficult to pin down. But it was there.

He was never entirely at ease with her. It wasn’t that he was tense, exactly, but he was never completely comfortable either.

Why?

Although she desperately wanted an answer to that question, now was not the time.

What Alex had just said cut through her thoughts like the blade of a knife cutting through butter. ‘What’s wrong with her? Are you sure it’s not just that she’s teething?’

‘No, it’s more than that. I’ll tell you as you get dressed. But we need to get moving. Now!’

The urgency in his voice spun Katrina into immediate action. She threw back the covers, hurried to the
wardrobe and grabbed the first article of clothing that came to hand.

‘Tell me,’ she ordered as she pulled on her jeans.

‘She has a fever. Her skin is blotchy. And she’s not focussing properly.’

The list of symptoms made her freeze before she started to shake so hard she thought she might fall into a million pieces. ‘What…what do you think is wrong with her?’

Alex shook his head, face grim. ‘I don’t know. But we need to get to the hospital as soon as possible.’

What followed was a nightmare.

They went immediately to the emergency department. As soon as they were inside, Alex said, ‘We need a doctor. Right now!’

He possessed such an air of authority that a nurse immediately snapped to attention. After the briefest of examinations, she took Samantha and hurried out of the waiting area into the main emergency-room.

Alex and Katrina followed through the swing doors and watched as the nurse handed her charge over to a female doctor in her mid-forties. The conversation was brief. Although they were too far away to hear what was being said, their body language and the sense of urgency that surrounded them suggested the initial prognosis was not good.

A shaft of fear speared through Katrina’s heart.

‘You can’t come in here,’ the nurse said, spying them a moment later. ‘You’ll have to stay in the waiting room.’

Alex took Katrina’s hand in his and squeezed it tight. The look he threw the nurse made her blink. ‘We’re not leaving.’

‘But, sir—’

‘We’re staying here.’ His tone brooked no argument; his face was hard and determined.

Alex and Katrina continued to hover in the background as Samantha was hooked up to an IV drip, and what appeared to be samples of blood were taken.

The longer they worked on her, the greater Katrina’s fear became. ‘If anything happens to Sam…’ she muttered.

Alex wrapped an arm around her waist. ‘Sam is going to be fine. The doctors know what they’re doing.’

Katrina certainly hoped so.

Each minute ticked by with mind-numbing slowness. Neither she nor Alex moved an inch, nor did they speak. Katrina wasn’t even sure they were breathing.

Eventually the female doctor hurried over to them. ‘I’m Dr Niven. You are the child’s parents?’

‘We are.’ It was Alex who replied, voice tense.

‘What’s her name?’

‘Samantha. Sam.’ Again, it was Alex who replied.

‘OK. Well, we suspect Sam has meningitis.’

The word gouged at Katrina like hungry teeth until she felt as though she were bleeding inside. A moan escaped her strangled throat and her knees collapsed beneath her. If Alex hadn’t been holding her, she would have fallen to the floor.

‘Are you sure?’ Alex asked, his voice reed-thin.

Dr Niven shook her head. ‘No, we’re not. We’ve put her on antibiotics just in case. And we’ve taken a sample of her spinal fluid for testing. We’re going to rush the results through. We should know for certain in a couple of hours.’

‘And if it
is
meningitis?’ Alex asked.

Katrina’s heart leapt into her throat. She knew what he was asking and wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.

‘Then we’ll continue with the antibiotics and monitor her progress. There’s nothing more we can do.’

There’s nothing more we can do.

Why did those words have a ring of finality to them?

Katrina swayed but didn’t fall, Alex still holding her up.

‘There has to be something I can do.’ Alex was unable to hide his desperation. ‘I can pay for the best specialist there is. Just tell me their name and I’ll fly them in.’

‘I’m sure you can. But it’s not necessary. If it’s meningitis, the best treatment is antibiotics.’ The doctor patted his arm. ‘That and lots of love, of course.’

Alex nodded then half-urged, half-carried Katrina across to Samantha’s bed. He gently deposited her in a dull grey visitor’s chair. Katrina felt like a rag doll with no power of her own to function.

She was aware of Alex pulling up a chair beside her but she didn’t look at him; her entire focus was on their baby daughter.

Willing her to live.

Willing her to get better.

Alex stared at Samantha.

She looked lost in the adult-sized hospital bed with her little arm hooked up to the IV-drip.

They’d been waiting for what seemed like hours. A nurse came and went at regular intervals to check Samantha’s temperature, blood pressure and whatever else the monitor she was attached to registered.

Every time he asked the same question: ‘How is she?’

And every time the answer was the same: ‘There’s no change.’

Alex balled his hands into fists, his heart slamming against his ribcage. She looked so tiny and vulnerable. So young and defenceless.

A hollow formed in the pit of his stomach until it felt like a never-ending ravine filled with cold, whistling winds. Alex felt it pulling at him as if it was trying to suck the life out of him.

If Samantha died, Alex feared he’d disappear into the abyss for ever.

He couldn’t lose Samantha. He couldn’t let her die.

Fear beat on the inside of his skull with the force of a jackhammer.

Anxiety squeezed his heart with razor-sharp talons until he thought it might burst.

He wanted to jump to his feet and scream with rage. He wanted to howl at the gods for doing this to him.

He turned to Katrina. She looked shattered. Her face was pale and pinched, hands clenched so tightly together that her knuckles had turned white.

He placed a hand over her firmly woven fists. ‘She’ll be OK,’ he said, imbuing his voice with a confidence he was far from feeling inside.

‘If something happens to her…’

‘
Nothing
is going to happen to her.’ His eyes returned to Samantha who looked smaller and more fragile every time he looked at her. ‘She’s going to be OK. She
has
to be OK.’

Katrina was silent for a long moment and then she said quietly, ‘You love her, don’t you?’

His gut tightened. A lump the size and weight of a small bus formed in the back of his throat. ‘Yes, I love her.’

It was there with every beat of his heart and every breath that he breathed.

Katrina turned her hands over and squeezed his tight.

Despite the gravity of the situation the corners of his mouth lifted. ‘Aren’t you going to say “I told you so”?’

She shook her head. ‘No. I’m just glad…for both your sakes.’

So was Alex.

But as he looked at his gravely ill daughter Alex realised that he owed her some recompense.

He was a thief. A thief who had robbed Samantha of his heart. He’d spent time with her, done all the right things, but he’d been holding a part of himself back.

If Samantha died he would regret every minute he’d chosen not to give all of himself to her.

She had to live.

S
IX
hours later they were still sitting there.

Still waiting.

Alex had never felt so helpless. Tension compressed his spine until it felt half its normal length.

Katrina sat as still as a statue beside him.

Alex did the exact opposite. He sat forwards. Then backwards. Then forwards again. Rested his head in his hands. Raked his hands through his hair and around the back of his neck.

Finally, he’d had enough.

He jumped to his feet, hands clenched tightly at his sides. ‘I can’t stand this! I have to find out what’s going on.’

Katrina didn’t answer him. She didn’t look capable of it.

The look on her face gutted him. Swallowing hard, Alex gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before striding to the nurses’ station, where he demanded to see the doctor.

‘I want answers!’ he said, when Dr Niven finally appeared.

The look she gave him was measured and calm. ‘I
know you do. So do I. But we have to wait while pathology runs the tests. It shouldn’t be too long now.’

Alex shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn’t help it. ‘I just—’

The doctor placed a hand on his arm. ‘I know. You don’t have to explain.’

‘Alex…?’

The voice came from behind him.

Alex spun on his heel. He blinked. Then blinked again. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Because standing in front of him were his mother and brother.

‘Mum. Michael. What on earth are you doing here?’

Audrey Webber raised a brow, hands folded in front of her thickened waistline. ‘We’re here to support you, of course.’

‘I don’t understand.’ Alex shook his head, as if the action could clear his confusion. ‘How did you even know I was here?’

This time it was Michael who answered. ‘It was on the news. They said your daughter had been admitted to hospital. Is it true? Do you have a daughter?’

Alex nodded. Someone must have recognised him and leaked the story to the press.

What a terrible way for his family to have found out. He opened his mouth to apologise but his mother got in first.

‘Why didn’t you tell us?’ She held up a hand. ‘No, don’t answer that. It’s not important right now. How is she?’

‘She’s—’

‘Alex.’

This time it was Katrina’s voice saying his name. Alex froze. For a heartbeat he didn’t move. Then he spun towards the doorway.

‘What’s happened?’ He had to force the words past the constriction in his throat. ‘Is she worse?’ he asked, not at all sure he wanted to know the answer.

Even before she spoke Alex noticed Katrina’s shaky smile. ‘Sam’s started to respond to the treatment. The doctor is with her now.’

The relief was so powerful that his insides sagged. ‘Thank God for that!’ He turned to his mother and brother. ‘I have to go, but I’ll be back as soon as I can.’

Audrey pointed to the row of grey visitors’ chairs similar to the ones he and Katrina had been sitting on for so many hours. ‘You go and do what you have to do. Michael and I will wait here.’

Emotion rose up inside him like a tidal wave. Sweeping an arm around each of them he pulled them close. ‘Thank you,’ he said in a choked voice. ‘It means a lot to me that you’re here.’

He meant every word. His mother’s support in particular went straight to his heart, and he found himself blinking back tears as he strode to Katrina’s side.

He held her hand tightly as they approached the doctor.

‘The diagnosis of meningitis has been confirmed,’ Dr Niven said. ‘That’s the bad news. The good news is that the antibiotics have started to do their job. Sam’s vital signs are improving.’

‘How long before she’s out of danger?’ Alex asked. Although Samantha’s response to the antibiotics was fantastic news, he didn’t want to count his blessings too soon.

‘Another twelve hours should do it.’

Alex nodded.

‘I notice you have other family who have arrived. Please keep the visitors to two at a time.’ The doctor placed a hand on Alex’s arm. ‘You saved your daughter’s life with your quick action. It would have been too late if you’d left it to morning,’ she said before departing.

‘Oh, Alex,’ Katrina said ‘If you hadn’t…’

He didn’t want Katrina thinking about what might have happened. He didn’t want to go there himself.

‘But I did,’ he reassured her quickly.

And he always would.

The thought, which had ridden immediately on the back of the first, almost knocked the legs out from under him.

He felt as if he’d driven smack-bang into a brick wall at high speed. ‘Shattered’ would be an understatement.

He reeled backwards.

Katrina caught his arm and guided him towards a seat. ‘Alex! What is it?’

For a minute, he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t even breathe. The sound of his blood pounding at his temples was deafening.

‘Should I get the doctor?’ Katrina asked worriedly beside him.

‘No.’ He grabbed her arm. ‘Just give me a minute.’

She nodded and held his hand.

He dragged in a breath. Then another. And slowly his heartbeat returned to normal.

He flung himself against the rigid back of the chair. ‘God, I’ve been such a fool!’

Katrina shook her head, green eyes clearly confused. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘I know you don’t.’ He looked at the bed then back at Katrina. ‘I was petrified I was going to hurt her.’

She gasped, her body jerking against his side. Her eyes narrowed on his face. ‘What on earth are you talking about?’

‘My father’s blood runs through my veins. Something made him into a monster. I kept on thinking: what’s to say the same thing can’t happen to me?’

Katrina shook her head vehemently, her grip on his hand so tight her nails dug in to his flesh. ‘It wouldn’t happen.’

‘I know that now. But for a long time I thought it could.’

Her eyes flashed. ‘Is that why you had the vasectomy?’

Alex nodded. ‘My father was always telling me how much alike we were. Taunting me with it. And it’s true; we’re similar in lots of ways. I grew up believing that I’d turn out just like him.’

‘That’s abuse in its own right,’ Katrina said thoughtfully. ‘But, still, a vasectomy was a rather drastic measure to take when there was absolutely no evidence to support your theory,’ she said with a frown.

His gut twisted tight. And then again, even tighter. ‘There was evidence. Or, at least, I thought there was.’

‘Tell me.’

Alex ran a hand over his face. ‘Back then I was full of rage over what my father was doing to us. One day at school, my best friend said something I didn’t like. To this day, I can’t even remember what it was. I punched him in the face—so hard that I broke his nose.’

‘Oh, Alex,’ she said, her voice drenched with sadness.

Alex didn’t want her sympathy. But he did want her understanding. ‘But do you know what the worst thing was?’

She shook her head.

‘The worst thing was that on one level I enjoyed it. Oh, I was sorry that I’d hurt Jason, because we were mates and he was one of the few people who made my life bearable. But on another level it felt good—hitting him got rid of some of the pent-up anger. And suddenly I saw my father’s face when he hit me and I wondered whether I had the same look on my face when I hit Jason. And I thought: it’s
really
happening. I’m turning out exactly like my father. That was the day I decided to have the vasectomy. It seemed to be the only way to break the cycle.’

‘And that’s why you’ve been holding a part of yourself back with Sam during the last month,’ Katrina murmured as if she were speaking to herself.

Alex frowned. ‘I admit I’ve been cautious. And now you can understand why. But I didn’t think it was noticeable.’

‘It wasn’t entirely. I sensed something wasn’t quite right, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Until tonight.’

He raised an eyebrow.

‘When you carried Sam into our bedroom I suddenly realised you were never entirely at ease with her. Not the way you should be. After what you’ve just told me, my guess is that you were being over-cautious.’

Alex frowned again and then shook his head. ‘You could be right. I’m a fool.’

He didn’t believe in fate. He preferred to believe that a man could shape his own destiny. So why had he been stupid enough to believe that genetics could override his true nature?

‘I’m not going to disagree with you,’ she said, once again wielding the words as if they were a plank of wood she was hitting around his head.

The corners of his mouth turned up. ‘Little Miss Confrontation strikes again, does she?’

‘You’d better believe it. I can understand why you might have thought you could turn out like your father in the beginning. You were in an untenable situation. But, later, you should have known there wasn’t a chance of it happening.’

‘You sound very sure.’

‘That’s because I am. I know
you
.’ She tilted her head to one side. ‘Tell me something.’

His eyes narrowed on her face. ‘If I can.’

She waited for a moment before asking softly, ‘Did you try to take some of your brother’s beatings for him?’

Alex gasped. He couldn’t help it. ‘How did you know that?’

‘You mentioned that you’d tried to protect him. I simply guessed the rest.’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘Do you really think a man who’s prepared to do that would ever hurt anyone, let alone a defenceless child?’

Alex shook his head. ‘You’re a lot wiser than me.’

‘No. You’ve just been a bit too harsh with yourself; I believe that’s a common trait of high achievers.’ She nodded towards the doorway. ‘I think you may have been a bit harsh with your mother, too. What say you introduce us?’

Alex clasped her hand in his and led her out to the waiting area. On the way he sent up a silent prayer of thanks.

Not just because Samantha was on the mend. But also for giving him Katrina.

Once he’d only seen her beauty, but now he could see her strength and intelligence.

Alex admired her more and more with every day that passed. If he had chosen a mother for his child, he could not have chosen more perfectly.

His two girls.

His two
special
girls.

How could a man get so lucky?

For the next twelve days they kept a constant vigil at Samantha’s bedside, taking it in turns to eat, shower and sleep.

On the third day, Alex found himself alone with his mother in the hospital cafeteria, where they had queued to buy coffees to take back upstairs.

That morning Samantha had been pronounced out of danger and at Alex’s insistence had been moved into her own private room.

‘I meant what I said the other day,’ Alex said. ‘I really appreciate you being here for me.’

Audrey’s eyes—the same eyes that Alex, Michael and Samantha had all inherited—met his. ‘Like I wasn’t before? Is that what you’re saying?’

Alex shifted uncomfortably. ‘Mum…’

She laid a hand on his arm. ‘It’s OK, Alex. I know what you think, and I understand. But just remember that your memories are those of a young, frightened boy, and an angry and just-as-frightened teenager.’

Alex took her arm and led her to an empty table. Pulling out one of the inevitably grey plastic chairs that dotted the public areas of the hospital he motioned for her to sit down.

When they were both seated, he said, ‘Tell me.’

Alex wasn’t sure why he was prepared to listen to his mother’s version of events after so many years.

Maybe it was because Samantha’s illness had reminded him that life was short.

Maybe it was because he’d made such a terrible mistake when Katrina had told him she was pregnant and he was prepared to accept he might have made a similar mistake with his mother.

And maybe it was because realising he was nothing like his father had somehow had a cathartic effect. It certainly felt as if a void had opened up between him and the past. The memories were still there, but they couldn’t hurt him any more.

They talked for over an hour. When they finally left the cafeteria, Alex felt they’d taken the first tentative steps towards putting the past behind them.

On the eighth day, Alex found himself alone with Michael at Samantha’s bedside.

Just that morning Samantha had given them her first smile since falling ill. Katrina had cried; Alex had felt like joining her.

Michael gestured to his niece with a bony hand. ‘Why didn’t you tell us about her, bro?’

Alex shook his head. ‘I’m not sure. I guess I didn’t want to taint her with our past.’

Michael punched him on the arm. ‘Hey, aren’t you the one who keeps on telling me the past is in the past and that we should leave it there and move on?’

Alex nodded gravely. ‘I am. I guess I’m not good at taking my own advice.’

Then, without planning on doing it, Alex found himself admitting to Michael what he had so far only
admitted to himself and Katrina—that he had been terrified of turning out like their father.

Michael’s reaction was to laugh his head off. When he finally managed to speak, he said, ‘You’re as screwed up as I am.’

Looking at his brother long and hard, Alex shook his head. ‘I’m not any more. What about you?’

They both knew Alex was referring to Michael’s drug addiction.

For the first time since the conversation started, Michael looked away. ‘It’s not that easy, bro.’

‘I know it’s not. But promise me you’ll think about it.’

Michael nodded.

It wasn’t a very enthusiastic nod, but it was still the first time Michael had agreed to consider getting help. Although he knew there was still a long way to go, Alex knew this was a hugely positive step forward. He punched his brother on the arm. ‘Good man.’

Just then Katrina came in and shooed Michael out.

A feeling of peace settled over Alex. Katrina was his rock. He didn’t know how he would have got through this ordeal without her at his side.

In fact, he didn’t know what he would do without her, full stop.

On the thirteenth day, Samantha was well enough to go home.

The morning after their return from the hospital, Katrina woke slowly.