Hesitant Heart (6 page)

“Precisely on time.” Saul chuckled as he hopped in the car. “This is what I love about Dominant men. We’re so damn controlling. Structured.”

Aaron didn’t want to analyze what he was. He’d done enough of that over the years. “I suppose one could look at it like that.” Aaron pulled away from the curb and steered the car down toward Wilshire Boulevard.

“Oh dear.”

He detected Saul glancing at him in his peripheral vision.

“What?”

“I take it that the towel boy wasn’t interested?”

Aaron gripped the wheel tighter. “Why would you say such a thing?”

“Well, there was your invitation to speak on the subject at the pansy club for one thing. And I know you well enough by now to sense one of your moods has come on. Did he reject you?”

He remained focused on the road. They had never discussed Sam before any of the craziness of earlier in the day, so he couldn’t imagine what Saul was talking about.

“No, on the contrary…” He drew in a deep breath then cleared his throat. “Perhaps we can continue this at Walter’s? I think I might need a gin or two tonight.”

“Oh dear, indeed.”

* * * *

Sam thought about going out and getting something to eat. He wasn’t hungry, but it would at least give him something to do other than stare out the window and try not to cry. Would he ever see Aaron again? He’d promised to let Sam pay him back for the hotel, yet he’d left without giving Sam his number or address.

Maybe he’ll be at the bathhouse.

The thought of ever going back to the Temple of Eros petrified him. However, the thought of never seeing Aaron again terrified him even more. He wasn’t even sure he understood why. The feelings that were piled on top of one another inside him weren’t ones he’d ever had before—not anywhere near as strong, at least.

There had been stirrings of want when his penis would get hard, and there had even been one boy who he’d wanted to kiss very badly. They were both only fifteen and Sam had thought that Gerald had very pretty eyes. He’d thought if he told him so, then Gerald would want a kiss. Instead he’d called Sam a fairy and punched him in the mouth. Sam was fairly sure it was around then that his father had figured out the truth about him.

I miss my mother. And Nadine.

If his mother had known that he wasn’t a normal boy, she’d certainly never acted like it. She’d always given him hugs and told him that he was good and smart. And Nadine was only eight years old. She adored Sam and Sam adored her. He’d let her help him when he’d taken care of his plants in the greenhouse—yet another thing his father had said made him a sissy. Sam had never wanted to go hunting or fishing with his father. The times his father had forced him, Sam had only embarrassed him by not being good at it, so his father had stopped taking him.

He wished his mother had been able to stop his father from pushing him around and smacking him in the face so much or telling him how bad he was. How Sam wasn’t really a man and that he would give the family a bad name unless he performed his duty as the eldest son. It hurt him even more because he knew that he smacked her too. He was filled with guilt that he hadn’t been able to help her, running away instead.

‘Go, sweetheart. Don’t stay here and let him destroy you. Don’t worry. You will always be in my heart.’

There was no way to stop it. The tears rolled down his cheeks. Thinking about his mother and little Nadine made the pain of losing Aaron even sharper. Even if he hadn’t known the beautiful man for very long, there was something about him that beckoned to Sam. The short time they’d spent talking, finally talking for the first time, Sam had believed even stronger than before that he should be with Aaron. The way Aaron had spoken about giving up control to another person had shocked Sam at first, but as he’d contemplated it, there was something so right about it that Sam had immediately pictured giving himself to Aaron.

But he didn’t want me.

There was so much about the world and people that Sam didn’t understand. His father had only allowed Sam to have the information that he parceled out. If it didn’t fit in with his agenda, Sam didn’t need to know about it. It had only added to Sam’s insecurities and belief that there was something wrong with him. Through his mother’s encouragement and his own determination, Sam had set out on his own. He’d been so angry with his father at the end before he left, that he’d sworn to himself he would find other people like him—Sam would prove that his father was wrong. He
was
a normal man.

* * * *

“Ahh, yes.” Saul licked his lips and closed his eyes before opening them again and regarding Aaron. “I’ve needed that spot of gin all day. Now, where were we? Of course, the towel boy. What in heaven’s name is going on with you and him?”

They’d arrived early enough before the typically boisterous speakeasy was in full swing. The jazz band was still setting up and only a handful of tables were filled. Aaron and Saul sat perched on a couple of stools at the large mahogany bar at one end of the room. Aaron thought he’d heard a story about the grand Victorian piece being rescued from a hotel prior to the beginning of Prohibition.

“There’s nothing going on with him, which is as it should be.”

“Oh? If you were so certain of that, then you wouldn’t have asked me to come here with you before heading straight to the club.”

Bastard.

“Is it that you think you’re too old for him?” Saul raised one eyebrow.

Aaron latched onto that. “Yes. Much too old. He obviously has a case of puppy love.”

“I see.” Saul appeared even more intrigued, narrowing his eyes and leaning forward as if a grand revelation had just occurred.

“What?”

“It’s been quite obvious from the first that he’s taken a shine to you. I know you don’t typically engage young men, but maybe you should reconsider when there is such a lovely one begging for your attentions?”

Aaron groaned, resisting the urge to run a hand through his freshly greased hair. “That’s just it Saul. He would have no idea what he was begging for. He’s unspoiled and would likely be terrified if he knew what my abnormal tendencies are. There’s no point in corrupting him.”

There was a strong choking sound and Aaron turned to Saul with concern. He patted him on the back heartily as Saul continued to sputter and cough.

“Are you all right?”

Saul slammed his empty glass down then wiped his chin. The anger in his eyes was clear and Aaron realized that it was directed at him. After giving Aaron one more irritated glare, he signaled to the bartender for another drink.

“I don’t understand, Saul. What did I say?”

“I do believe I’ve just had an epiphany as to why you become so moody all the time.”

“Oh?” Aaron’s own irritation was growing. “And why is that?”

Saul leaned in again. “Didn’t you hear what you just said? You declared yourself to be abnormal. You talked of corrupting this young man by teaching him our way of life. Nothing was mentioned of the possibility of freeing him, guiding him. Or showing him the power he could achieve through submission. Nothing was said about loving him.” Saul snorted then took a healthy swallow of his newly poured gin before setting the glass down. He steeled his gaze before speaking again. “I take it that you believe me to be abnormal as well?”

“No! I… No, Saul. God no.”

Aaron lowered his head, frowning, awash with a confounding mixture of emotions. He looked up to Saul, had a lot of respect for him. He’d witnessed several times where Saul had helped people out, gone out his way for others who didn’t always repay the kindness. They’d met years back the first time Aaron had come to Los Angeles and Saul had always welcomed him as though they were the best of friends, whenever Aaron had been in town. And here he’d gone and insulted the man.

Saul laid his hand gently on Aaron’s arm.

“Is that what troubles you? That there’s something inherently wrong with you because of your deep-seated desires?”

Aaron placed his head in his hand, his elbow propped up on the bar. “So many times over the years…it’s… When I hire men for my pleasure and I want to tie them up or beat them, so many have called me filth, degenerate, freak. Even those who love men as we do.”

Saul shook his head, sighing. “I still don’t understand why you hire men to give you what so many would offer freely. Stay off the streets when you seek a partner. Come to the club instead. Surround yourself with those who understand the needs we were born with. There’s nothing abnormal about them.”

Aaron considered his friend’s words. “I suppose it’s simpler if I pay someone to give me what I want. It’s not as if I would ever find a permanent companion either way.”

Saul chuckled and Aaron couldn’t understand what he thought was so damn funny.

“And why is that? Because it hasn’t happened before, therefore it
never
can?”

Saul’s words made him uncomfortable to the point where he fidgeted in his seat as if he were the epitome of a very naughty submissive.

“No.” He pursed his lips. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Let’s go back to the original topic, shall we? How does the towel boy figure into all of this?”

“Sam. His name is Sam.”

“And?”

“It’s pointless, Saul. I had hoped you would talk some sense into me tonight by telling me that it was best if I left him alone. That you would tell me he’s too young, too innocent and that I’ll only get my heart broken.”

Saul knocked back the rest of his drink. “I see. I hate to disappoint you, but I’m not going to tell you any such thing.” Cracking his knuckles as if he were about to tackle a big job, Saul then folded his hands on the counter of the bar. “The boy is clearly over the moon about you. You’re obviously smitten with him, so we’ve established those two facts. His age? I don’t see the issue. His inexperience? Could be an issue, but you won’t know until you open yourself up to him—until you risk that someone who you aren’t
paying
and who you genuinely want might reject you, call you a deviant or any of those other names. Because then it would hurt even more than it does when the other person doesn’t matter to you.”

“Shit.”

Aaron had muttered it to himself, but Saul had apparently heard anyway.

“Yes, old sport. It is shit sometimes. But ‘tis the way of life.” He chuckled heartily and slapped his knee as if something had suddenly occurred to him. “Oh dear. I should have you speak with Vincent. Your situation reminds me of something similar he went through several months back.”

“Isn’t that your friend who runs Global Studios?”

“Did run. He recently resigned.”

“Oh? I hope there wasn’t any trouble?”

“Only the type of trouble he’s needed for years. He gave up the stress and long hours at the studio in order to spend more time with his submissive lover. The submissive who had never heard of such a thing as sadism and masochism before. Knew nothing of bondage or submission. And who also happens to be almost twenty years younger than Vincent. They’re making plans to move up north right now to be together all the time. Never have I seen two people so devoted and in love. Juan would perish without the guidance of Vincent and Vincent would never survive the loss of Juan.”

Aaron had sucked in a harsh breath as Saul had explained Vincent’s situation. It was eerily similar. But what had really resonated with him was how much his own fear had kept him from embracing his true nature and taking the chance that he could find genuine love by opening himself up to the possibility of failure. How terrified Vincent must have been. He was sure of it, because he was positively terrified himself.

Saul had watched him with interest as he’d mulled over what his friend had said.

“Let me ask you something. Who’s taking care of your boy right now? Is he safe? Happy? What if he meets another man tomorrow—one who’s not as concerned as you are with his well-being? What if that man takes his innocence then casts him aside?”

Fury rose in Aaron, his face heating as he smashed his fist on the bar. “That
won’t
happen.” Beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead, his upper lip. Anxiety ate at his gut. “Goddamn you, Saul.”

“Puts it all in perspective, eh, old sport?”

“Saul, I need to—”

“I’ll get a cab.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize to me. Save it for that sweet thing you abandoned.”

Aaron quirked the corner of his mouth. “Bastard.”

Saul gave a half-hearted shrug. “So I’ve been told. Once you have him trained properly, I expect to see you showing him off at the club.”

Aaron stood then gathered his suit coat. “Oh, really?” He placed a hand on Saul’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

“Any time, old sport. Now go take care of your boy.”

Chapter Five

It was impossible for Sam to sleep, despite being exhausted. Drained. The whole day had been upsetting and stressful. There’d been moments of happiness and hope, but that had all been destroyed as soon as Aaron had walked out the door—walked out of his life. Another hot tear spilled down his cheek, landing on the pillow. The case was still damp from the many that had fallen before.

A sound at the door caused him to tense.

Someone’s breaking in!

His heart thumped wildly, his mouth going dry as he held his breath in fear. Maybe if he lay very still, they wouldn’t notice him. They would take the ten dollars he’d left on the table and go away. He squeezed his eyes shut as if that could protect him from being seen. From where he lay on his side he wouldn’t be able to see what was going on anyway.

He’d thought he’d heard the click of the key in the lock before the door opened. There were some shuffling noises behind him. Then he felt the covers lift and the mattress dip as he gasped in shock, ready to cry out.

“Shh, little Sam. It’s me.”

He was instantly gathered into Aaron’s embrace, the powerful man wrapping his body around Sam’s back, tucking him closer by draping one long leg across Sam’s limbs. Sam clutched at his arms, his tears beginning anew.