Hesitant Heart (7 page)

“There now, shh. I’ve got you. I’m not leaving again.”

“T-thank you.” His breath hitched on a sob. “Thank you for coming back.”

The press of a kiss against his head caused him to sigh and lean back to nuzzle Aaron.

“Go to sleep now, little Sam.”

“Okay, Aaron.”

“Good boy.”

He was enveloped in Aaron’s strength, his heat. His scent was clean and masculine. It called to Sam the way everything else about Aaron did—with the promise of paradise. Being so close to Aaron made his organ hard, made him wish Aaron would touch it. But simply being held in the comfort of Aaron’s arms while they lay together was better than anything that had ever happened to him before, so he was grateful and did as Aaron had told him. He went to sleep.

* * * *

Some muffled voices and rattling woke him up. It took a moment for him to realize where he was. Then he remembered the hotel and figured it must have been other guests and that maybe the room service cart had also been rolling by. He was very hot and couldn’t move.

Aaron.

His beautiful man had come back for him and had held him all night. It was a miracle and he was filled with joy. Then he noticed something else. There was something hard pressed to his ass. He wriggled against it but froze when he understood what it was.

“Oh!”

Aaron stirred then tightened his arms around him.

“Good morning, little Sam.”

“Good morning.” He was back to chewing again, but it couldn’t be helped. There was too much happening. “Are you going to fuck me now?”

Aaron made a snorting sound, almost as if he were trying not to laugh. “No Sam. I’m not going to fuck you now.”

“Don’t you want to fuck me?”

“Oh dear Lord.”

Aaron unwrapped himself from Sam and for a moment, Sam thought he might leave again.

“Are you going?” He hadn’t been able to prevent the edge of desperation in his voice.

Already out of bed and standing, Aaron peered down at Sam.

“What did I tell you last night?”

Sam’s cheeks heated. “That you weren’t leaving.”

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” His voice had been very small.

“Good.”

He stroked Sam’s head a few times. Aaron had taken on the soothing tone that he’d used the day before when Sam had fainted. He loved it when Aaron talked like that.

“You won’t ever have to worry about me leaving. It’s me that’s more worried about you staying, but we’ll talk about all of that later on today.”

“I’ll always stay with you. I told you that yesterday too.”

Aaron arched his eyebrows as if in surprise. “I like hearing that conviction in your voice, the surety. But we have much to discuss before you can say that for sure.”

Sam squirmed, frustrated by the way Aaron spoke to him.

“I also told you that I’m an adult. I know what I mean, how I feel.” He’d shocked himself with his forceful tone.

There was that twinkle in Aaron’s eye as he kept an even expression. “Of course you are. I’m not bringing that into question. But you’re going to learn a lot about me today, little Sam—things you know nothing of. In addition, I
will
demand complete obedience to me in exchange for assuming all of your care, both emotional and physical. You will be mine. We will go into the specifics of what that means later on as well.”

“Is that the control thing you told me about?”

“Yes, it is.”

“But you’re still going to fuck me, right?”

He’d never said that word before—let alone several times in a row—but since it seemed as though the men in Hollywood used it a lot, he thought it might make him seem more grown up. Aaron held the back of his hand against his lips, his eyes crinkling. At last he let his hand fall away and he took a deep breath.

“Don’t fret, little Sam. You will be fucked. But I won’t promise it will happen today. I need to find out more about my sweet boy first.”

Sam grinned, his face flushed only from happiness, not from embarrassment. Aaron wanted him, had said he was his. He still wasn’t completely sure what the whole thing about fucking was as he’d only heard about boys doing it with girls. Since he didn’t have the hole that babies came out of, he would have to wait and ask Aaron if what Louis had said was true. When Louis had told Sam that men used other men’s backside for that, it had seemed very strange. But he trusted Aaron, and Aaron would tell him the truth.

Aaron smiled back at him and Sam couldn’t help himself. He jumped from the bed then ran over to him, throwing himself into Aaron’s arms.

“Ah, sweet little Sam. Let’s get showered and dressed, then we can get some breakfast before I take you home.”

Sam looked up from where he’d had his face buried in the dark curls on Aaron’s bare chest.

“Home?” He held his breath in anticipation.

Gazing down on him with a warm smile, Aaron stroked his head again.

“Yes. Home.”

* * * *

They’d had a wonderful breakfast at a place called the Pig ’n Whistle in Hollywood. Then Aaron had stopped at a little market near where he lived and they’d picked up some cheeses, fruits and bread for later. Aaron had also bought him a cream soda. He’d told Sam they‘d always been his favorite and thought he might like to try one. His father had been very strict about sweets and modern nonsense that came packaged in bottles or cans.

When Sam really thought about it, his father had been very strict overall. Sam blamed the man for keeping him in the dark about so many things in life. If Sam had been given more freedom or guidance about the real world, he might seem less naïve and silly to Aaron—more like the adult he was in age.

By the time they’d reached Aaron’s home, Sam had been so excited he hadn’t been able to sit still. He’d even chewed on his lip again. Aaron’s gentle clasp on his arm as they’d driven had made Sam stop immediately.

Sam sat on the long, black velvet sofa in the main living area of Aaron’s home. The floors were made of wood and there were several Persian rugs scattered about. Other dark wood furniture, ornate and elegant, filled the room. There was one large Areca palm tree in a beautiful ceramic pot decorated in an Oriental floral design that sat in the corner. Sam had always wanted one, but his father had never let him. Every plant that he’d had in his greenhouse he’d had to find locally.

Aaron re-entered the room, wearing nothing but a satiny looking robe, his legs peeking out as he moved gracefully toward him. The garment was embroidered with dragons and other fanciful designs. His mother had one like it that his father had picked up for her from Chinatown on one of his many trips into downtown San Francisco. Sam had stared at Aaron’s body all morning back at the hotel, but other than hugs, there’d been no touching--not even when both of their organs had become hard. Sam hoped that if nothing else, they would at least do what he’d dreamed about from before.

I’d rather we touch each other’s parts instead.

“Here’s your soda, Sam.”

Aaron held it out to him.

“Thank you.”

He grasped the bottle, waiting to see what Aaron would do next. Even though Aaron was the one with very little clothing, Sam felt exposed as Aaron sat close, openly gazing at him.

“Before I can ask you to give yourself to me, you need to know everything so that you can make an informed decision.”

He wanted to tell Aaron that it wouldn’t matter what he said, but Aaron had already made it clear that he wanted to discuss some important things with Sam first. Sam wouldn’t interrupt him with too many questions. The sooner they got through what Aaron wanted to talk about, the sooner they could touch each other.

“Once you agree to give control over to me, I will expect you to obey everything I say, whether you agree with it or not. I won’t be unfair or cruel. Anything I ever do will be with your best interests kept in mind, even if you don’t understand what they are at the time. That’s why trust and honesty are so important. You need to be able to trust me so that you can let go and give yourself freely.”

Sam nodded eagerly as Aaron spoke.

“But there must also be absolute honestly between us. That’s what reinforces the trust. It’s also vital so that I’m aware of any and all things that might affect you—your feelings, your worries, issues that need to be resolved. How can I live up to my responsibility as your protector if I don’t have all the information about you?”

Sam’s gut clenched. He hadn’t thought about that. If he didn’t tell Aaron everything about why he’d left home, that would be dishonest. Maybe Aaron would change his mind. But what if he changed his mind once he found out what Sam’s problems were? He might decide that Sam was too much trouble.

“That’s what I’d suspected.”

Jerking his head up, Sam saw that Aaron gazed at him intently.

“W-what do you mean?”

“Come here, little Sam.” Aaron opened his arms, gesturing for him to come closer. “Don’t be afraid to tell me how you ended up here in Hollywood.”

Sam scooted into Aaron’s embrace. He wished he had his clothes off too. Resting his head on Aaron’s chest, he gradually relaxed as Aaron caressed his arm, sometimes making soothing circles on his shoulders.

“Smith isn’t really my last name. It’s Cunningham. I didn’t want to use it in case anyone came around asking about a Sam Cunningham.”

“You think they would?”

Sam shivered as if someone had walked over his grave. “My father’s reputation and political career will be destroyed if I don’t go back there and marry the girl who says I got her pregnant. He won’t ever stop. Gertrude’s father is one of the richest up north and he’s been supporting my father’s bid to get into congress.”

During his story, he’d expected Aaron to stiffen, or stop touching him or maybe even move away from him. But he’d never slowed or halted his movements. He’d kept his strokes light and reassuring as Sam had spoken.

“Look at me, little Sam.”

Aaron tipped his chin up with one finger. “I’m going to ask, even though I’m sure of the answer already. Did you get that girl pregnant?”

“No! I swear. I told you I don’t do things with girls,
ever
.”

“Keep your voice down, Sam.” Aaron’s own voice had remained calm and low.

“Sorry.”

He lowered his eyes, even though Aaron still kept Sam’s chin tipped up.

“You’re forgiven. See? We’ve started already.”

Sam smiled, allowing his gaze to lock with Aaron’s again.

“So that means I have to watch out for your father and others who might be working for him. Thank you for telling me that, Sam. I’ll have you write out everything about your situation—names, descriptions and so on—before we go to bed tonight.”

His chest felt lighter and he was almost giddy from relief. Aaron would take care of it. He didn’t need to worry.

“Is there anything else you’ve hidden from me, Sam?”

“Nothing about that.”

“Oh? Then about what?”

He started to chew before he could stop himself.

“Sam…”

The chewing stopped instantly. Aaron jostled him.

“Talk to me. I need to know everything about you.”

“I’ve never… I don’t know…”

Aaron lifted Sam onto his lap then arranged him so they could look at one another as Sam spoke.

“There. That’s better. Now, little Sam, is this about sex?”

Oh, but his face heated so much. What if Aaron thought he was dirty because of how much he wanted sex? Or what if he didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t know
how
to do sex things? Aaron had been right again. Because Aaron and Sam had only had the chance to be together for a day, he didn’t know whether to be worried or not. But all he had to do was tell the truth and Aaron would take care of it for him.

“Yes.” He’d barely been able to squeeze that one word out.

“What is it about sex that worries you? It’s okay, whatever you say. We don’t have to do anything like that until you get to know me better and feel more comfortable.”

“Oh, I feel very comfortable with you. I want sex right away. But…” Sam frowned. He wasn’t sure how to explain it right. “Well… I’ve never done anything. Not with a girl or a boy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and I really want you to like me.”

Aaron had only raised his eyebrows slightly as Sam had spoken, so he was pretty sure that the older man wasn’t upset over what Sam had just said.

“I see. Let me ask you this. What makes you excited?”

“You do.”

Aaron chuckled lightly. “That’s very kind. But before you ever knew me, what made you excited? Made you want to have sex?”

Sam considered Aaron’s words. There was the time with Gerald, of course, but he hadn’t thought about doing anything other than kissing him. He thought way back. A memory crossed his mind and he heated again. It wasn’t anything he wanted Aaron to find out—he would think there was something very weird about Sam. That was what his friend had thought that day when he’d pointed and laughed at him.

“Sam.”

His voice had almost been a whisper. Sam glanced up at Aaron.

“Tell me. Now.”

Sam couldn’t stop his lip from quivering. “You’ll think I’m a freak.”

Aaron kissed his forehead before pulling back to lock gazes with him again.

“No I won’t. Tell me.”

Swallowing hard, Sam then took a deep breath before beginning. “I had a friend who liked to play Cowboys and Indians with me all the time. One day, I was the cowboy and I’d been captured.” Sam had to swallow again, his stomach tightening at the awful admission he was about to make. It was something he’d never spoken of to anyone. “We’d snuck some of my father’s rope out of the shed and he tied me to the tree. He wrapped it around me and when he tightened it, when his fingers brushed over the places where the rope dug into me, I…I got excited. He might not have noticed, but I…” Sam couldn’t say it. He lowered his eyes.

“You came from being tied up?”

Sam glanced back up, confused. “Came?”

“You climaxed. Spilled your seed.”

He couldn’t believe he’d just told Aaron that. What had he been thinking? He
was
a freak. He’d tried so hard to forget about that day, to shove it down inside where it couldn’t ever be seen. Except for the times when there’d been rope, or silk cords, or other things he liked to touch. Sometimes if no one was around, he would wrap them around his hand or wrist, imagine what it would be like to have someone do that to him again.