HIM (11 page)

They have to be.

              After I was finished with purging a few minutes later Jensen ran warm water on a small cloth and dabbed my forehead with it on the couch.  I’d washed my mouth out with mouthwash at least a half a dozen times, along with brushing my teeth another three and now had a glass of water in my hand.  I felt the weakest I’d ever been around Jensen.  But at the same time felt the strongest.

How does that make sense?

              “Avalon,” Jensen cautioned, “I know you’ve told me a lot already, but I just have one more question.”

              “Will it make me throw up again?” I asked with light humor.

He chuckled.  “No, I don’t think so.”  He ran his fingers through his hair.  “Why would you stay here, Ava?”

“Stay where?”

“The beach house.  You’re hurting yourself by being here.  I mean, have you even set foot in your bedroom since that night?”

I winced involuntarily.  “No.”

“See what I’m saying?”

“I guess…I know this is his house.”

“What did you just say?”

“This is…
his
house.  What he did to me here can’t be erased with a new coat of paint or another house party.  His bad energy is everywhere.  In the walls…in the floorboards…in my bed.”

“What did your mother say when you told her you were coming here?” he asked, eyes narrowed.

“She wanted me to go,” I said.  “I don’t know if it was because she was tired of me sulking around the house or to get over whatever it was I had experienced here.”  I shrugged.  “I never told her I’d been…well…you know.”

“And Tory?  How does she feel about it?”

“Her and I never really talked about it,” I said honestly.

“Regardless as to what either of their intentions are with you being here you shouldn’t be living in this house.  It’s not good for your mental or physical health.”  He squeezed my hand.  His was so warm against my semi-cold skin.

              “I have nowhere else to go.”  I shrugged.

              “You could stay with me,” he said with absolutely no trepidation.

I stopped breathing for a moment.  How could I do that?  How could I stay with him – a man I had only met a few weeks beforehand – even though I strangely felt like I’d known him my whole life?

              “We can tell Tory together.  I’m sure she’ll understand,” he said.  “I have a guest room and half-bath in my apartment so you’d have your privacy and space.  I don’t throw parties,” he chuckled, “so you won’t have to worry about noise or a smelly mess.”

Already it sounded like a better place to live compared to where I was currently residing.  Tory had a party twice, sometimes three times a week.  Plus, her side of the house was a wreck and always smelled like old beer.  It got a bit nauseating after awhile.

              “But I barely know you,” was all I could manage.  I knew it was a terrible excuse, especially because we both knew we couldn’t stay away from each other.  This was the best situation; I was just too stubborn to admit it to him . . . and myself.

              “Do you trust me?” he asked, looking into my eyes.  His were like icicles; like the most stunning of winter.

“Yes.”  As crazy as it seemed, I did.  Not completely but enough to know that if something were to happen to me he’d be there in a hurry.

“And do you believe I won’t let anything happen to you?”  He caught my chin with his index finger so I could look directly into his eyes.

I bit my bottom lip and said, “Yes”.

His cheekbones were chiseled to perfection and I couldn’t help myself; I had to touch them.  I placed my hand on his face, feeling his marble-like cheek.  He nuzzled his cheek into the palm of my hand.

“I won’t hurt you, Avalon.  Please believe that.”  Although I hadn’t known Jensen Marx for too long – because he had saved my life somehow, in some way – I believed him with every fiber of my being.

It was all too sudden, it seemed.

Everything was moving so fast; not giving me enough time to gasp for air.  Nothing felt real.  But Jensen did.  He was real to me.  He had taken care of me without batting an eye.  It seemed too good to be true although I’d rather not think about how untrue it seemed.

              Jensen was right.  That house.  That room.  That area.  It didn’t – couldn’t – belong to me anymore. 
His
presence was everywhere I looked in that summer home, regardless if I went into my bedroom or not . . . which I hadn’t done since last year anyway.

              Shouldn’t that alone have turned me away from going back there?  Shouldn’t I have told Tory I couldn’t live with her in that house anymore?  Shouldn’t I have explained to my mother that I could not walk into that space ever again?

No, I could not.  Because if I had, I would have never met Jensen – the kindest, sweetest, most gentle man I’d ever encountered in my life.  And now he was helping me with the
him
situation.  He
didn’t belong to me – and never did.  For the time being I was trying to figure myself out – what I wanted from life and what it had to offer, even if I was ill fatedly forced to an eternity of thinking of him regardless.

              But a future with Jensen seemed unreal and unplanned, maybe on some level unimaginable . . . only for the fact that he was perfect in every way and I had to admit that intimidated me quite a bit.  I wasn’t used to being close with a man since what happened last year.  I didn’t know how to handle this new situation.  I didn’t know what the crazy future held for Jensen and I.  Only G-d knew that.

              My mother’s high-pitched voice popped into my head:  “G-d only wants people to know what they know for a reason, Avalon,” she’d said.  “If He wanted us to know more, He would have given us that knowledge.  Don’t go snooping around places your nose shouldn’t be.  Focus on your life and what you’re meant to do.  Don’t stress yourself out with the things G-d has already taken care of behind closed doors.”

              My mom and I didn’t have the best relationship.  It got worse after my dad passed away.  I mean, she hadn’t even called me since the first night I got to Empire – not like I’d attempted to contact her in any way either.  But that was how our relationship went, I guess.  We cared for each other but from a distance.  A long distance.

              It just sort of blew my mind how her words of wisdom stuck in my head like that.  She gave me that little speech when I was twelve.  I forget what I wanted to know but she was right to tell me what she did.  I could apply that statement to anything I didn’t know but wanted to know.  What was the good in knowing something beforehand anyway?  Okay, so if I could change the future, awesome.  But since I wasn’t a psychic and would never go to one there was no point in coming up with all these different scenarios of how my life with Jensen would or wouldn’t turn out.

              “You fixed this up nice,” Jensen said, standing in the doorway of the guest room – my new bedroom – in awe.  I had transformed his shabby, unused room into my own little haven; a place to get away from it all . . . which was something I desperately needed.  Jensen had taken me shopping to get some new things earlier this morning.  I was so grateful to him for doing that for me.

              One wall was completely covered in black lace – behind it, eggshell white paint; the trim an even brighter white, while the windows had sheer gray curtains.  A desk, on the larger side, was covered with black fabric – my laptop, some books, a chic rectangular silver lamp, and an iron tree branch rod was perched on the wall by the door when you walked in – a white ottoman below.  My full size bed was the focal point of the room – a simple charcoal gray comforter set with black and white pillows; a nightstand on either side along with a shabby-chic white plush rug.  I had a couple shelves filled with all my books from the beach house, which Tory and Jensen graciously gathered for me.  On the far end of the room beside a decent sized walk-in closet was a small vanity with makeup products and a giant vase filled with fresh white roses.

I have to admit, my room looks stunning.

“Thanks,” I commented, blushing.  “You can come in if you’d like.”  I felt a little awkward inviting him into a room in his own apartment.

He walked in, pulling me in by the waist.  “How did you manage to get all of this done so quickly?”

“Not sure.  Maybe I’m adopting some of your traits,” I teased.

              He smirked, glancing at his watch.  “I actually have to get to work,” he frowned.  “But tonight, we can spend hours in here.”

             
Is he suggesting something?

              “Sounds great.”  I smiled and he returned the favor.  Things were turning around already.

              “I’ll be back by five.”

              “Okay,” I understood.  “Have a nice time.”

              “Ha, yeah,” he snorted.  Before leaving, he blew me a kiss and didn’t move away from the doorframe until he saw I caught it in my hand.  A couple minutes later I saw him drive down the road in his Mustang with a broad smile on his face.

              I sighed as I lay down on my bed thinking about how my life had changed drastically since I’d met Jensen.  Not only did I feel better about myself but had also found someone to confide in, in a place I felt safe.

Jensen lived in Apartment B13 in Applegate Apartments in downtown Empire, quite a safe neighborhood.  He told me his neighbors weren’t rowdy so I shouldn’t be expecting a bunch of noise.

His apartment was calming – beige, white, black, gray and small touches of metal tones here and there filled the space – even the guest bathroom, which was right across from my room.  Jensen’s bedroom was down the hall and to the left . . . with the master bathroom, which held the shower – the shower I would be using during my stay.  Across his room were the kitchen, small nook and the living room – a large abstract painting hanging above the couch.  He was such a typical guy – big screen TV, plush couches made for long nights watching a football game.

Does he even like football?

Many shelves filled with books on tourism and Judaism was to the right of the TV.  Every piece of furniture coordinated with each other, giving the place a sense of harmony and security.  He had a couple plants that were still alive.  At least someone in this world knew how to keep things living.  Growing up I stayed rooted in the same house for seventeen years with no living greenery.  My mother killed cactus.

The area I lived in was very diverse.  I didn’t necessarily love it there but I tolerated it.  When I heard Tory had gotten a beach house as her graduation present in Michigan and offered for me to live with her over the summer, I jumped at the chance to move in.  And now here I was living in a handsome man’s home just two years after that.  My mother would freak if she found out where I was.  Tory, on the other hand, found this situation to be very helpful to me.

“He’ll make you so happy, Ava, I’m sure of it,” she practically squealed.  “I’m really glad you’ll be able to have a fresh start!” Tory beamed.  “I know he’ll take care of you.”

She said I didn’t need to worry about hurting her feelings and that she was glad I wanted to get away.  She also mentioned she could withstand the post-breakup stage of her relationship with Adam without me in the house.  After all, we lived in a world full of technology.  She would get in contact me some other way to discuss things about what was going on.  She’d mentioned she wanted me to live a normal, incredibly happy life.  “You deserve it,” she said, hugging me as Jensen and I packed my things into his Mustang Convertible.

He barely ever talked about his car but I could tell he loved it.  I couldn’t blame him; it was beautiful.  “Burns fuel like you wouldn’t believe,” Jensen said to me as we drove to his apartment –
our
apartment, I meant.

Although I was only a guest here Jensen made it apparent that his home was just as much mine – even though he was paying all the rent.  I offered to get a job but he said he wouldn’t have that.  I protested but again he wouldn’t give in.  At least not just yet.

I didn’t like the idea of mooching off of people.  It bothered me a bit, especially after living in Tory’s beach house for absolutely nothing; although her situation was quite different from Jensen’s.  Regardless, I felt a little uneasy about that as well.

              Staring at the light gray ceiling of my new domain I breathed in deeply through my nose and exhaled through my mouth several times, allowing my mind and body to unwind.  It was currently eleven o’clock.  Jensen would be home in a little more than six hours.  That gave me enough time to take a shower, go for a run, give myself a much-needed manicure and prepare some sort of surprise dinner for Jensen.  I was already feeling the change in myself – the splendid buzz no alcohol or drug could achieve.

              I leisurely closed my eyelids, allowing myself – mind and body – to unwind into a puddle of drowsiness.  But the minute I shut them something didn’t feel right – like someone was watching me.  Not up close but from a distance.

              I opened my eyes and pulled back the curtains to the window.  No one was there.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  I was letting my paranoia get the best of me once more.  I was in a new place not too far away from Tory – it didn’t matter.  It was still new.  And I hadn’t gotten used to it yet.

              I needed rest.  My body had been constantly moving since I’d shared my secret with Jensen.  I was exhausted.  Again, I shut my heavy lids, imagining Jensen was with me, holding me in his arms; but was disturbed by the sudden ringing of my phone.  I twitched in response, grabbed the phone and answered.

“Hi, Tory,” I said with a yawn.

“Someone seems a bit tired.”  Her bubbly voice seemed drowsier than usual.

“Just a little bit.”

“Have you been
busy
with Jensen?”  She said busy like she would say
sex
.  And I knew that’s what she was implying.

“You, of all people should know Jensen’s not like that.”  I yawned again.  “And neither am I.”

“I was only kidding, Ava.”

“Sure you were,” I mumbled.

“So anyway,” she continued, “how’s the bachelor-pad?  Manly as ever?”

“I fixed it up,” I said, looking around my room.

“Oh no.  You didn’t cover the house in funky animal prints and fake plants, did you?” she chuckled.

“I think you’ve mistaken me for my mother, Tory,” I giggled.

“Did you accomplish what you wanted with your room?” she asked curiously.

“Yep.”

“I can’t wait to see it!  The beach house isn’t the same without you, Avalon,” she moped.  I pictured her frowning on the other end.

“I know,” I sighed.

“But I get why you did it,” she said.  “And I don’t blame you.  I would’ve done the same thing.”  I smiled to myself for leaving that house.  As much as I enjoyed being around my best friend I also needed space of my own where I could finally breathe – to get away from where the horrific tragedy had arose.

“Anyway,” I sighed again, stifling another yawn, “how are you holding up?  You know…with the Adam
situation?”

There was a brief pause.  “
Eh
,” she moaned.  “We haven’t talked in forever and I feel like he’s never coming back.”

I could’ve told you that.  Oh wait, I already did.

“Everything happens for a reason,” I reminded her, allowing the yawn to escape.

“Wow, Ava, you seem really tired.  I’ll let you go.  Get some rest.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’ll call again later.  Maybe I’ll stop by if I choose not to go to a party tonight.”

Or hang out with the Drunken Trio.

“You know you’ll be going to that party,” I laughed.

“True.”  She was way too predictable for her own good.  “So I guess I’ll see you around soon then.”

“See you soon.”

“Ciao, Ava.”

I hung up.  Right as I put the phone down, I shut my heavy eyelids and drifted off into dreamland.

              Or maybe it was nightmare-land.  I couldn’t tell.  There were too many dark hues surrounding me.  It felt as if I were in a foggy haze and couldn’t escape the gloomy colors that were up ahead.  I was now in water and my clothes were sticking to my freezing body.  My lips quivered in response to the gusting wind headed my way.  I couldn’t feel the ground beneath the souls of my feet and that struck panic in me.  I used my arms and legs to paddle somewhere –
anywhere
– to get to a destination that didn’t exist.

People always said the journey was better than the destination.  My take on that was people were wrong.  I would have loved being on dry land . . . even if an enormous beast was out to get me.  At least I’d be able to feel the floor underneath me as I ran away from it.

Here, something could pop up and grab me – pulling me under until I couldn’t see whatever thing I was hoping to lay my eyes on.  And no surprise, something grabbed my ankle.  Pulling me down . . . down . . . down . . . to oblivion.  I tried with all my might to swim upward but I was still being dragged deeper into darkness.