HIM (10 page)

              I thought about it for a moment.  “Now that I’m thinking about it this
is
pretty strange.”

              “I see your body for what it is – beautifully breathtaking.  But I would never ask to have sex with you before marriage.  It goes against my morals.  As I’ve mentioned before I follow Judaism in the ways that I can.  This is one way.”

              I was stunned.  “I completely agree.”  Even though I technically was no longer a virgin I had always wanted to wait for marriage.  But
he
took that experience away from me . . . .

              “So you see what I’m saying by being old fashioned.”

              “I do.”

He put his hands under the water.  When they reappeared they held his boxer briefs.  Jensen’s presence became very hard to ignore.  He was naked right in front of me.  I refused to allow my eyes to look below the surface of the water.

“You don’t have to take off your bra and panties but I prefer to swim in the nude,” he confessed with an adorable grin.  I’d never met a man so sure of himself and what he wanted before.  He wasn’t cocky in the slightest but simply extremely self-aware and confident.  He exuded confidence like no one I’d ever seen before.

              With poise he turned around and began to do laps around the pond.  I stared at him, frozen in position.  He was so beautiful.  Every contour of his body was flawless, perfect.  I was aware of how odd I looked gawking at him unreservedly.  I wanted to be next to him.

              With a deep breath I took off my panties throwing them by the boulder.  And then my bra came off. I threw them, too.  I was exposed.  More exposed than I had ever been with a man . . . that I could remember.  I watched as Jensen swam over to me.

“Just for the record I’ve never seen a naked woman before you.  And my G-d you’re breathtaking.”

              I felt heat rise up to my cheeks.  “Thank you, Jensen.”

              “Care to swim?” he asked, finding my hand below the water, never taking his eyes off of my face.

              “Sure,” I answered, shaking a bit from nervousness.  And then we began to swim together side by side.  The air had gradually become cooler and the water was very warm.  The contradiction felt wonderful on my skin.

              I splashed Jensen a couple times and he did the same back.  We laughed and chased each other around the pond, flirtatiously smiling at one another – some of the beautiful coy fish coming into view.  After a long while of swimming and playing I became a bit tired so I stopped.  Instead watched as Jensen swam a few more laps back and forth.

              Once he was done he gracefully swam over to me, tickling my sides.  That’s when I remembered we were both completely naked.  Jensen was aware of this, too.  He stared into my eyes – his, a piercing shade of blue, even in the darkness.  Most of the candles had burnt out around us so the only light shining down on the pond was from the moon.

              Jensen quickly glanced at my body, a look of pure elation on his flawless face.  His hand traced my collarbone, the necklace.  He lingered there for some time . . . then moved his way to my shoulder . . . then down my arm.  My goose bumps had goose bumps.  With his other hand his index finger nudged my chin to look up at him once more.

              “You’re beyond perfect to me,” he exhaled.  “You’re beyond perfect
for
me.”  And with that his warm, soft lips pressed against mine.  I had reached a level of peace I’d never thought I’d ever experience.  It was almost euphoric.  My guard had chosen to fall from my mind and body.  His lips were like magic.

*      *      *

Two days had gone by since my last encounter with Jensen Marx.

I hadn’t seen or heard from him since.  I didn’t know if that was good or not.  Although I was still unsure by what had happened, I’ll admit I missed him terribly.  Every thought that popped into my head was of him.  I hadn’t called him.  I didn’t know if I should.  But today I felt was the right time for me to do something about this – to find some answers for myself.  What had really happened and why I couldn’t get over it.

Tory began to worry about me.  I hadn’t told her what happened but she could tell something was bugging me.  I guessed after what went on last year she didn’t want to pry into anymore of my personal business, unless I was ready to dish, that was.

I begrudgingly took out my cell, staring at the screen.

To call or not to call, that is the question.

Tory was out all day and wouldn’t be back until about nine and then she would be headed off to a party with the Drunken Trio.  She’d been going to double the amount of parties than usual; how that was even possible I hadn’t a clue.  But she managed.  I knew this was her way of getting over Adam – partying till she died.  She asked if I wanted to go but I declined.  So I had the whole house to myself; the perfect time to talk to Jensen.  No unplanned interruptions – nothing to distract me from the situation at hand:  What had happened two nights ago on my date with him.

I debated what I should do for about a half hour before dialing Jensen’s number.  My hands shook so much that I could barely punch in the digits without messing up.  The ringing began.  I wanted to hang up.

              “Hello?” he answered after the first ring like he’d been waiting by the phone.

              “Jensen?”  My heart stopped momentarily waiting for him to speak again.

              “Avalon,” he sighed heavily.  “How are you?”

              “Alright, and you?”

              “I’ve seen better days,” he chuckled.  The sound immediately warmed my heart.

             
I miss you.  I need you.  I want you.  But I think I’m afraid of you so I don’t want to be near you.  At least not yet.

              “Oh,” was all I could think of to say.

              There was nothing but silence on both ends for a moment.  He and I seemed to share awkward silences more often than I wanted.

              “Work has been alright,” he mumbled.  “Usual chores, different day.”

              “That sucks.”

              “Ha.  Yeah, I guess that does suck.”

              “Yep.”

              There was another long silence between us.

              “So why did you choose to call, Avalon?”

              “Why haven’t
you
called?  Or come by to see me?” I pestered.

              “I didn’t think you’d want to see me after what happened.”  He took a deep breath, cleared his throat and exhaled.  “We need to sort this out.  I’m dropping by your house in a few.”

              “Um.”

              “Is that okay?”

              “Sure?”

Click
.

The brief phone conversation ended.  But there was an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.  And it was growing.

He rang the doorbell.

Once.

Twice.

Three times.

I wanted to run and hide, to disappear.  I wanted a meteor shower to come crashing down on this house.  Not destroying it, just blocking the doorway and every window so I couldn’t get out and Jensen couldn’t get in.  The bell tolled once more.  I sucked in a deep breath and let my head hang, staring at my sock-covered feet.  Just to make sure it was Jensen I peered through the peephole.  And just like I didn’t want he was there.

              He bit his lip furiously and knocked this time.  I cautioned myself as I opened the front door to the blue house.  When I saw him, saw all of him – matted hair, bags underneath his eyes, skin a shade lighter than usual, clothes wrinkled – I gasped.  He looked a wreck!

              “Ava,” he smiled and walked in.  It was hard to look at him with clothes on again.  The last time I saw him he had been completely naked surrounded by a body of moonlit water.  I closed the door behind him and we walked into the living room and out of the foyer.  Without another word Jensen sat on the couch.

              “Um,” I uttered, unsure of what to say.  He seemed to be admiring a smoky gray vase on the table in front of him.  He cracked his knuckles with multiple little popping sounds.  “Jensen,” I choked – his name burned my throat.  “Did you come here to admire my living room or to talk to me?”  He stared blankly at me.  “I don’t understand what all of this is.”

              “What all of
what
is?” he chuckled with no emotion, not looking in my direction.  His eyes were fixated on a giant black and white picture of a single blossomed rose.  He cleared his throat and then looked at me.

              “
This
,” I said, pointing towards him, then myself.  “Why you came here.”

              He ran his fingers through his hair and meekly smiled at me.  “Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

              I shook my head and sighed.  “You went too far the other night.”

              “I know I did.  And I’m so sorry for that, Avalon.  Really, I am.”  His voice was filled with morose, eyes saddened.  He stood up to stand in front of me, gazing into my eyes.  “If I could go back and change what happened I would.”

              “But you can’t.”

              “I know I can’t.  You have every right to be angry with me.  I don’t blame you,” he sighed.  “I should have kissed you one time and that would have been it.  That’s all I planned on doing.  But it just felt so right and I didn’t think you’d mind considering you kissed me back the first time.”

              “That’s because all I wanted from you was
one
kiss.  One.  Perfect.  Kiss.”  I backed away from him folding my arms across my chest.  “Instead it turned into a make out session
almost
leading to other things.  I never wanted that to happen with you.  At least not like that and not so soon.  You went against your word.”

              “I completely understand that.  I am so unbelievably sorry, Ava.  Please…
please
forgive me.”  I’d never seen him look so upset before.

              “I don’t know if I can.”  I shook my head.  And then flashes of
him
appeared, reminding me why I’d been so scared to be with Jensen alone like that the other night; so vulnerable, weak.  I began to cry against my better judgment.

              “Whoa, Avalon,” Jensen cooed rocking me in his arms.  “Please don’t do this.  You don’t know how much it hurts me to know I hurt you.”

              “You didn’t hurt me,” I sighed in between tears.  “This really isn’t even about you,” I admitted.  Jensen hadn’t even come close to taking advantage of me.  I’d wanted to kiss him so I did.  I wanted to go skinny-dipping with him so I did.  I wanted to be around him so I was.  This was strictly about
him
and the mess he’d created stemming from that one, unforgettable experience.

              “Then what does this have to do with?” he whispered.

             
Am I really going to do this now?  What would be so wrong about not telling Jensen I’d been raped?

             
After I didn’t respond Jensen spoke, “Avalon?”

              No, this needs to happen.  He can’t be with me – all of me – until he knows the truth about my past.  Even if it’ll be painful to share and hard to hear.

              “I – I,” I stuttered and then cleared my throat.  “Jensen, I –,” I broke off again.  His hand stroked my right arm softly, barely touching my skin.  It tickled me slightly but not enough to make me laugh.  It was calming, comforting.  “I was –” My mouth tasted bitter.

              “Sweetheart, it’s alright,” Jensen said as he wiped a tear from my cheek.

              “There’s something you don’t know about me…and I think it’s time you did.”  I took a breath.  “Last year…I was ra – ped.”  The word broke in the middle but at least I got it out.  “Raped,” I repeated, the word coming out clearer.

              Jensen froze, eyes wide.  His hands got a bit tighter around mine.  I didn’t mind.  What I did mind, however, was when his face fell and his eyes got darker . . . like anger had washed through him.

              “That’s what happened?” he said through gritted teeth.  I nodded in response to his question.  He breathed deeply and then his face softened just a bit.  “I just…I can’t believe that happened to you.”  His voice was somber.

              “I can’t believe it happened to me either, honestly.”  Every day it seemed more like a nightmare than real life.

              “When did it happen, Avalon?” he asked quietly.  I took in a deep breath and shut my eyes.

              “Last year,” I mumbled.  “It happened last year.”  The steady rhythm of Jensen’s breathing stopped for a couple seconds.  “In the beach house.”

              “You mean this one?  The one you’re living in now?”

“Yes.”

I jogged my memory for a quick second thinking back to the night of the party.  For the first time in my life I would be sharing this story – this very personal story – with someone who miraculously came into my life when I needed him most.

              “It was the Fourth of July,” I started, “and Tory threw a party at our beach house.”

And just like that it felt as if I was there again.  I could hear the roaring music coming from the overpriced loud-speakers on the walls and see the hundreds of red cups sprawled throughout the house; along with twenty-five of my closest friends and a little over a hundred of Tory’s.  Everyone was allowed to bring as many guests as they liked.  It was the biggest party of the summer – almost five hundred people – and Tory was proud.  Empire didn’t even inhabit four hundred people altogether.  It was a shock to the town to say the least.

“I was at the party for one reason and one reason only,” I told Jensen.  “To be with…him.”

              “Wait,” Jensen said, startled.  “You
knew
this guy?”

              “Jensen…he was my boyfriend.”

Jensen’s face went pale; an odd look for him.  His shoulders were brooding, pensive as he looked at me.  Then he sat up straight waiting for me to continue.

              “At that point I was
so
in love with him,” I continued. “At least I thought I was.”  Saying those truthful words seared my throat.  “We’d been together for six months and things were going well.”  I seemed so much older – just a year later – than I had acted the previous year.  I had grown up a lot since that party.  Or rather, since that relationship.  “Everyone was having a great time at the party,” I continued.  “I couldn’t handle much alcohol.  I mean, first off I’m five-five, weighing a hundred and twenty-five pounds.  My body couldn’t tolerate it,” I repeated.  “Plus, I didn’t really drink to begin with…except for special occasions.”  Shabbat was basically it for me.

“Everyone was dancing and singing and drinking.”  I recalled the happy expressions on peoples’ faces although most of them were blurs now.  “But I needed some air.  The party scene had become so familiar to me but when I was with him I just wanted to relax.  So I went outside and sat on the sand.  He followed me outside.  He sat down behind me and started playing with my hair and tickling me to get me to come back inside.”  I cleared my throat and ran my hands through my long, wavy hair in nervousness.  “It was weird.  Something was off about him the entire night.  I guess I didn’t think anything of it because I was more wasted than I’d ever been in my whole life.”  I snickered, not believing how stupid I had actually been.

              “I told him I wasn’t feeling too great, especially when I started seeing
four
of him,” I chuckled with little-to-no emotion.  “So he helped me inside…nicely at first – through the back of the house.  But then he started getting rougher as we got closer to my room.  I just assumed he didn’t want to cause a scene by going through the partiers, so I didn’t say anything to anyone,” I winced.  “He laid me down on the bed.  He told me he’d take care of me because he
loved me so much
,” I said sarcastically.  “And like an idiot I believed him.”

I took a shallow breath while attempting to calm my nerves.  Jensen gently caressed my cheek with his fingers.

              I remembered when
he’d
kissed me on the forehead and told me to rest.  “I just figured he would stay in the room with me until I woke up.  But the second I closed my eyes I felt a slight tugging on my skirt.  I opened them and saw him…ready to attack…like an animal,” I said.  Tears began to fall and Jensen wiped away as many as he could ever so gently.

              “That’s when I knew something wasn’t right,” I stated, noticing that my fingers were shaking.  “My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.  I tried speaking but I couldn’t and I was falling in and out of consciousness.  The music was blasting too loud for anyone to hear what was going on upstairs.  I felt trapped.”

              Jensen shook his head and held me tight against him, running his hands gently through my hair.  I clung to him and sobbed.

              “Honestly…I was planning on losing it to him…on our wedding night,” I shared.  “We had discussed marriage for the first time the night before.  Serious marriage plans.  Not just talking about it for fun.  He told me he loved me.  That’s why when he started pulling down my skirt I was confused.  I thought he wanted to wait until after we got married.  I thought I was dreaming or hallucinating.  But after some common sense sunk into my brain I realized it was real.”

              “Oh, Avalon,” Jensen breathed, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

              “At that moment I tried fighting back…best I could, anyway.  I scratched him across the face and he bled.  I remember…the blood was all over my hands.”  I shivered, staring down at my shaking fingers.  “He slapped me across my face – hard – and I began to cry, which prevented me from seeing.  I couldn’t breathe either.  He was
choking
me…both hands tight around my neck.”

I remembered the feeling of being suffocated.  It resembled some of the nightmares I’d had over the course of the year.

              “Blood was everywhere.  On my clothes, on…
his
clothes.”  I shuddered.  “He kept telling me to ‘
stay still!
’”  I could tell Jensen was on edge by his body language.  “I did as he said.  He looked at me with these…
eyes
.  These…haunting…green eyes.”  I tried shaking the memory off but my mind needed to finish replaying the event.  “There’s a single, sickening phrase I’ll never, ever…no matter how hard I try…forget…‘
Good girl
’, he’d said.  He got what he wanted.  I was a virgin…and he took that away from me without my consent.”

              My voice shook as I realized how angry I actually was.  “Being raped isn’t an easy thing to go through.  It’s not like I just lied there, he did his thing and I was left unharmed. It doesn’t work that way!  Words can’t describe what I experienced.  I thought I was going to die, Jensen.  I really thought I was going to die!  Not only because I had been raped but also because it was the brutal and sadistic way it came about.  I came out of that experience mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually abused…changed. 
I loved him.
  And he treated me like I was nothing.  Like I was trash.”

Jensen was silent, staring into my eyes with a forcefulness I felt in my bones.

“How could someone do that to someone they love?” I asked, so nauseated and overwhelmed with emotion.  I felt something distasteful rise up into my throat.  I covered my mouth, quickly ran to the bathroom and vomited – Jensen by my side – holding my hair while rubbing my back.

“I just don’t understand what caused him to do that,” I cried into the toilet bowl, Jensen patting my back and holding my long hair so that it was out of my way.  It was a revolting sight and the smell was even worse.  But I was glad Jensen was there with me.

              “It’s okay, Avalon.  Everything’s going to be alright, sweetheart.”  Although I was embarrassing myself in the worst way imaginable from the memory of the criminal I had once called my boyfriend, I knew he was right.  From now on things would be better.