Hold Me Never (Holding Never) (18 page)

He takes a step closer. “What do you want, Zoey?”
he asks in a low, ragged voice.

“
I...I want you to take me.”

His eyes flare, but I rush on. “I want you to
make me, not a virgin. On my birthday.”
My last birthday.

The last of my bravado and words finally sputter out. I
drop my eyes, unable to look up at him any longer. My eyes suddenly
swim with tears.

“
Zoey.”

I look away.

“
Zoey, this...” Jaxon breathes out a sigh.
“Zoey, look at me. Please.”

He holds my chin to force me to meet his gaze. I
squeeze my eyes shut. I don't know what I will see. What have I
just said? I can't take it back. I don't want to, but still...I
have never ever said anything like that, to anyone! Stupid, stupid,
stupid! Reckless and feckless. Nothing to lose, yeah right.
Nothing except my pride.

I don't think I can bear to see his mocking smile, to
see the pity and disbelief in his eyes.

“
Zoey...I need you to look at me,” he says
in an aching voice.

Painfully, I open my eyes. He holds my face in both his
hands and for an infinite moment, his eyes search mine earnestly,
intensely, heartbreakingly. What is he searching for? Doubt?
Regret? Confusion?

“
Zoey,” he says at last. “Your
virginity is a very precious gift.”

“
And I want to give it to you,” I whisper.

“
Why.”

My eyes suddenly brim with tears. “I don't want
it taken by a monster! I won't allow it!” I answer fiercely.
“I won't.”

He looks so sad at my words.

With a heavy sigh, he releases me. “I am sorry,
Zoey.”

I stumble back.

Panting, I gape at him.

I open and shut my mouth a couple more times before I
realize what he is saying.

He is rejecting me? After kissing me and holding me and
telling me how precious I am, he is refusing me? The jerk is playing
with me! Spinning me around like a damn toy! He must be laughing so
hard inside, laughing at my naivety and stupidity!

My humiliation boils to rage. “You are sorry?
You're sorry?” I spit. Burning with shame and fury, I plant
both my palms on his chest and shove him backwards. Hard. “You!”
I snarl. “You delivered me to this hellhole! On your horse!
Did you forget that? I'm here because of you! You owe me,
Commander. You owe me this!”

“
I owe you more than this,” he says quietly.

“
Damn right you do. I hate you. I hate you...so
much.” My voice cracks. “I will die hating you!”

“
No, Zoey, it's not...”

I laugh harshly, hysterically. “Yeah. It's not
you, it's me. That's the classic line.”

I turn and jab blindly at the lift button. “I
have to go. Mam Mallisa is waiting.”

He takes my arm but I shake it off and sneer, “Why
are you still lurking around the Palace?”
Surely it's not
because of me.
“Shouldn't you be gone?”

“
The Commanders are rotated for palace duty.
So...”

“
When do you leave?”

“
Soon.”

I stab the lift button again. He'll be gone soon, maybe
tomorrow, and I may be dead the day after. Maybe sooner.

The lift door opens and I say calmly over my shoulder,
“Then...leave.”
Leave me.
“And go to
hell!”

I pound my fist repeatedly into the buttons on the panel
until the lift door closes in his face.

God, I have never been so humiliated. Oh wait, I have.
But that was not my fault. I didn't ask for that humiliation. I was
forced to endure it, with clamps to force my eyes open and cuffs to
pull my arms over my head so that I am helpless to fight and resist.

But this time, I brought the humiliation on myself. I
walked right up to Jaxon's face, and asked him to fuck me. And what
did he say to me? He said I am sorry. I am fucking sorry, that's
what he said.

Who the fuck is he anyway? Who the hell does he think
he is?

Why should I give my virginity to him?

I will find someone else. Any one.

I. Hate. Him.

“
I am sorry too,” I swallow painfully. “I
am sorry I ever felt anything for you!”

The lift door opens, and somehow I manage to fumble into
the Grooming Room. Swiping angrily at my eyes, I give my head a firm
shake and force Jaxon out of my mind. The lights in the Grooming
Room are on, and I can hear the sound of water.

“
Hello?” I clear my throat, seeing a few
gray uniforms at the sinks washing the towels. “Mam Mallisa
wants everyone upstairs! I think she wants you to take measurements
for new costumes.”

I make it to the mirrored room upstairs with the
Matrons. The girls are rehearsing their dance moves, and Mam Mallisa
seems pleased by their progress. So pleased that she somehow forgets
to berate me for my tardiness.

Still simmering with shame and anger, I absently touch
the small stud on my earlobe as I stand in line for my measurements
to be taken by the Matrons.

Jaxon had kept my mother's earring all these years.

Even with his injured shoulder and knowing the risks, he
had gone back that night. He hadn't found me, but he found something
that he hoped he would one day be able to return to me.

What am I to make of this man?

He kissed me.

And he refused me.

He tried to help me.

And he hurt me.

He cared to come back for me.

And he captured me.

I should hate him.

But I want him.

No, I don't! I hate him.

I do. I hate him, with every fiber of my being.

After we have been measured, the training resumes. I go
through the rehearsal with a trance-like fluidity which ironically
fits the mood of the dance just fine. Mam Mallisa seems oddly
pleased with my performance.

“
Lovely,” she nods approvingly as she weaves
through our midst to correct our steps and postures. “Just
beautiful.” I can faintly make out her thin smile as I spin on
the spot. When I look into the mirrored walls, I don't see myself.
I see Jaxon giving me the earring, putting it on for me so tenderly,
holding my face achingly in both his hands, our hearts connecting as
he gazes into my soul.

I am sorry.

I owe you more than this.

The words echo all around me, staying with me all
through the grueling dance rehearsal, and long after we have been
herded back to the dungeon.

Even in my cell, I hear his voice.

In the dark, I hear him still.

I turn to my side and throw the blanket over my head.

His voice and face finally dim and recede from me as I
fall haltingly into a fitful sleep.

But this restless sleep doesn't last long.

My eyes snap wide open under the blanket when I hear
that telltale click.

The sound of my cell door opening.

I freeze at the sound of soft footsteps. Someone is in
my cell.

The footsteps come nearer and stop at the side of my
mattress.

I hold my breath and tense. My fists are tightly
clenched, my muscles coiled to spring into action.

I gasp and let out a startled cry as sturdy arms tunnel
under my knees and body and lift me from my mattress.

The blanket falls away. With a shout, my fists connect
with a powerful jaw and shoulder.

“
Ouch.”

I cease my blind assault and blink up at the shadowy
figure.

“
Jaxon? What the hell...” I struggle
feebly in his arms.

He carries me out of my cell, and the door closes
quietly behind us.

“
W-what do you think you're doing?” I
demand, trying to kick him but my legs are dangling from his arm.
“Where are you taking me?”

He pauses a moment, before saying softly, “To my
bed.”

I start, my hand slipping from Jaxon's shoulder. I stop
breathing, suddenly aware of the proximity of our bodies.

I drag in a breath. “Why.”

“
Because I want you. And I am going to lose my
mind, if I don't touch you.”

I am only vaguely aware that he is carrying me up the
stairs, out of the dungeon, past the Grooming Room and straight to
that huge elevator. What I am fully aware of is Jaxon's hot breath
against my neck, his arms around me, the scorching desire in his
eyes. The heat between our bodies is consuming me alive, and the low
searing heat spreading through my body is agonizing.

As the lift starts to rise, I inhale sharply, my chest
constricting around my pounding heart. “Jaxon,” I
whisper.

“
Just say no,” he grits out. His eyes blaze
and I feel his arms tighten around me. “Just say no,” he
whispers.
And kill me
.

My body is tingling with anticipation and nervousness.
Tonight, will be my first time. I don't really know what to expect.
Pain? Pleasure? Is it going to hurt bad? I've never taken a man
into my body. I have never made love, never had sex before.

“
W-what are you going to do?” I ask
stupidly. “To me?”

“
I am going to take you, Zoey,” he says, his
voice steady despite the desire raging in his eyes. “I am
going to take you, so completely and madly. I'm going to make you
scream and drive myself mad. I am going to make love to you, over
and over again, until I am utterly, completely mad.” He makes a
strangled sound as he struggles to speak. “You told me to go
to hell, but I am already in hell, Zoey. I am already in hell.”

The lift door opens at the top floor, and he pauses a
moment, as if giving me a chance to change my mind. I wrap my arms
tighter around his neck, wanting to be in his arms forever.

But the want only magnifies the stark truth.

Tonight is all we have. He can hold me only for
tonight.

He can hold me never.

I shiver suddenly, and Jaxon presses me closer as he
carries me out of the lift and towards a closed door at the end of
the short corridor. Pushing the door open with his shoulder, he
steps into a spacious, carpeted bedroom.

“
You sleep here? You live here?” My tone
is incredulous.

“
This room is for the Commander who is on rotation
to the Palace. I don't live here.”

“
Yes.”
You leave soon.

We pass a long sofa, a work desk and deeper in the room
I spy a big, wide bed with black covers.

“
Just say no, and I'll stop,” he repeats.
It's almost like a mantra that he is reciting to himself.

Like he is willing himself to stop. But failing.

Closing his eyes, his grip loosens around me. Is he
letting me go? Now?

“
No.” I jerk, and he puts me down
immediately on the lush carpet in the middle of his bedroom. “No!”
I stagger back, almost losing my footing. Jaxon's hand shoots out
to steady me and I instantly grab his arm and pull myself back to
him, careening back into his arms.

Just a few seconds out of his embrace and it was
tortuous. The sudden, sharp ache that I felt away from him was
unbearable.

“
No. I want this!” I breathe fiercely,
looking straight into his eyes, my fingers shaking on his powerful
biceps.

His brown eyes seem to darken with an unquenchable
thirst, and I can feel his hot breath on my neck, down my body. The
heat spreads through every nerve in my body, gathering between my
thighs. I begin to tremble, as he slowly lowers his face to me.

Murmuring my name, he trails his lips from my ear down
my jaw, my neck, my chin and hovers above my mouth. My lips have
already parted for him, but he doesn't kiss me. Not immediately.
Instead, he leans in and whispers my name against every part of my
face. Like he wants me to know that it is me he wants, that it is me
he is taking and not some random girl. A sharp, irrational stab of
jealousy spears through my heart, as I imagine a faceless woman in
his arms. He is a man after all. He must have had other women,
other women who are more experienced, more skilful, more beautiful
and better than me. I turn my face away from him suddenly, almost
angrily.

“
Zoey?”

I swallow painfully. “This is not your first
time, is it?”

“
No,” he says softly after a beat.

I bite my lip hard. “It is mine.”

“
I know.”

His hands fall away from me. “I'm sorry. Your
first time should be with someone you love. Not with a stranger.
Like me.”

“
You're not a stranger,” I blurt out. When
he smiles sadly, I carry on without thinking, “Was your first
time with...someone you love?” Why do I sound so hurt?