Holt's Holding (19 page)

Keeping the lights off, I reached for the remote to the
IPod still in the dock of the Bose and hit play.

Wine in hand, I walked to the large windows and allowed my
thoughts to flow.

The song spoke my thoughts…
“Dangerous
power.” by Gabriel & Dresden.

I stood there for what seemed like hours watching the city
below.

Something needed to change.
 
I no longer had a taste for this game I had been playing.
 
Ally’s memory, and her words a constant.
 
Flooded me.
Yes,
something needed to change. I
couldn’t
and would not
play Sebastian’s game…which meant I would be quitting my job come Monday…It was
also time for me to move out of the city. I had planned to renew the lease, but
now, I knew staying here
wouldn’t
help me. This was my
wake up call. Sam, shot in front of me was too much.

I knew now that my resolve was always one of protection…I
needed to protect my heart…my Ally. I
couldn’t
continue on this path and do that.

Ignoring the roar of the door slamming
into the wall.
I heard the laughter of what was obviously a
one nighter and Charlie…each hot for the other. I paid them no mind and
didn’t
move. Within a few minutes, the door slammed shut and
they made their way into Julie’s room.

After about thirty minutes, a satisfied Charlie quietly
walked from the room closing the door as softly as he could. I still
didn’t
turn to him and focused out to the street below.

He opened the fridge and the light brightened the room.

I sensed that he finally spotted me. The close of the
fridge door was slow. He walked over and stopped behind me knocking over the
three bottle of wine I clearly went thru.

“Shit Lillian…you drank all those?”

I said nothing my eyes fixed and still pooling tears that I
hadn’t
realized were ever constantly flowing down my
face.

Knowing he was standing next to me, I was still startled
when he touched me and trembled.

“Lillian…
are
you ok?”

I
didn’t
answer.

“Are you mad at me for the other night?”

“No” I whispered.

I heard my phone buzz…I assumed it was Julie. I had texted
her informing her that I would be moving out this week.

Charlie picked up my phone and read the message.

“You’re moving?”

“Yes.” I replied staring out the window.

“Please tell me that I didn’t cause this? Julie will have
my balls.”

I turned to him, “Why do men think the world revolves
around them?”

He sucked in a deep breath and placed his hand to my cheek…

“You’ve been crying Lillian…what happened?”

“My friend was shot Friday night…it was a wakeup call
Charlie…one I was in need of.”

“I’m so sorry Lillian” he tried to pull me to him.

“Don’t Charlie” I placed my hand to his chest.
 
Stepping slightly away from
him.

“Lillian…please let me be here for you.”
 
He asked with such care.

A woman’s voice called his name…he released a sigh and
stepped back releasing any attempts to hold me.

“I think you’re being summoned, better get to her.”
 

“I can and should get rid of her.”

“But why would you Charlie? Certainly not for me…I don’t
want you to.”
 
And
I didn’t.
 
I had so much to work through,
I was grateful for the first time in days, my mind was so preoccupied, that his
presence
didn’t
faze me.

I walked from his stunned expression, with my almost empty
fourth bottle of wine, to my room, making sure I closed my door behind me.

I sat at my bed looking out the window…I was drunk and
numb…always numb…pathetic.
 
I was
actually wallowing in my own mess.
 
I got
over my head.
 
Lord, I wish my life had
been different, normal.
 

All the words and adjectives that
had
been used
to describe me circled my mind…the tears continued down…

I
wasn’t
sure what had happened,
but it felt like my heart ached for the first time in seven years…my heart
ached.

The bottle now empty, I dropped it to the floor and lay
down on my bed. My eyes sore and unable to produce a single tear.
 
Lying on my side, I found myself just staring
out in the dark.

I felt the bed shift…his weight came down and pulled me to
him. His cologne was a dead giveaway.
 
Charlie.

I
didn’t
protest. I wanted to
be held
…it had been so long since I had been…since I needed
to be held.
 
He pulled the covers up over
us wrapping in his warmth.

“I’m here Lillian…I won’t let you go until you need me
to.”
 
He whispered behind me with
conviction and kissed the back of my head.
 
“I’m not sure what happened, but don’t move out.”

“I need to Charlie.
 
I need to get away from…”
 
I
paused catching my words.
 
“I just need
to change some things in my life.
 
I
can’t
keep going down this path.
 
I don’t even think I want it anymore.”

“I’m not really sure what it is in your life that you feel
like you need to change, but if I may, follow your instincts.
 
If they are telling you to change your path,
then there is probably a good reason for it.
 
But
, don’t run away.
 
Running never solves anything.”
 
He sighed.
 
“Trust me; I know a thing or two about running away.”

“I’m not running away Charlie.
 
I
don’t
run, nor do
I give up.
 
However, right now, I just
want it to end.
 
I want to be free of my
past.
 
I want normal Charlie.”

“You’re not normal
Lillian,
I say
this in a good way.
 
The moment I saw in
the kitchen, I sensed you were so much more,
”
 
he
paused and I sensed him thinking
over his words.
 
“You are amazing, strong
and confident.
 
You have me guessing, not
many have me doing that.
 
You scare
me.”
 
His last statement, his confession,
had me hold my breath.

“You scare me too.”
 
I sighed.
 
“But, I just can’t go
there, not with you.”
 
I whispered.

I could feel his body tense a bit.
 
“What is it that prevents you?
 
Why are you holding back?”

“If you, if only I could tell you…”
 
I closed my eyes and my heart sped up.
 
Shit,
I’m
drunk and
I can’t open up to him.
 
If understood
who I was he
wouldn’t
be holding me like a man in
love.
 
“I’m not good for you Charlie, too
much baggage.”
 
I sighed.

“I could say the same about myself Lillian.
 
I understand baggage, and secrets I have a
shit load.
 
But tonight, it doesn’t
matter to me; I don’t care about your past.”

I turned into Charlie wrapping my arm around him. He kissed
my forehead long and hard. I raised my eyes meeting his.

I trembled and my breath hitched. His eyes wide,
appraising, his hand rubbing at my jaw just to pause under my chin. I lifted it
up to him on my own.

“Are you sure?” he breathed in shock.

I raised my lips slow and gently to his.
 
Trembling, I knew I
shouldn’t
allow this…but I want to …I needed to…It didn’t matter that it was him…I just
needed to feel. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this.
 
I grazed his lips with mine, panic threatened
as my body shuddered in fear.
 
My resolve
was greater then the fear.
 
Opening my
eyes, I felt trapped in his.
 
The light
from the street was just enough that I could see his.

His lips took charge of mine and consumed me. His kiss
started slow then turned urgent, as if he needed it as much as I did.
 
And
I needed.
 
I needed him tonight.
 
The need was so different and foreign.

It was a hunger that I had not afforded myself…a drug and I
wanted more.
 
I let go.

Our bodies moved along the others in a rhythm all our
own…there was no struggle for control it was a give and take equally matched.

Stripping the clothes off our bodies…we were entering
uncharted territory for both of us. This was no longer fucking…I could feel the
tremble release thru him as he held me up facing me, we were holding on to each
other my legs wrapped around him as he lifted me over his erection…He paused,
 
his eyes lost and searching deeply into
mine.
 
Geez, this was more than I had
anticipated.
 
My heart ached and the
tremble had me shaking.
 
His hands,
sensing my doubt and fear, rubbed my back, holding me securely, the way a man
holds a woman, when
he’s
in love.
 
Oh my god, could this me love?
 
The way he looked at me, had me thinking it
might be.
 
His lips on mine had me.
 

Damn, I had no control with him.
 
I wanted him to consume me, all of me.
 
I knew this was a lie, as he had no clue,
who
I was, yet I knew him.
 
I knew who he really was.
 
I knew
who he was to me.
 
Enemy and fantasy
wrapped up into one.

“I never had sex with that woman Lillian…I sent her
home...” his word
weren’t
necessary.
 
I reached down between our bodies, his
erected cock, was firm, hard and waiting.
 
Lifting myself around his waist, I poised him at my aching entranced and
dropped down slowly, easing him in.
 
Throwing
my head back in ecstasy, he was what my body and soul craved.
 
Taking him completely, I reached around his
neck pulling him tight for support.
 
His
heart pounded hard against my chest.

I cupped his face and urgently kissed him easing my body
down to his taking him in.

My tears fell down and within seconds, I met my climax…but
this was unlike any climax…this was different …it was freeing and cathartic…and
what I had denied for so long.

He
wasn’t
fucking me…he was
actually making love to me and I knew the difference…

“Fuck, Lillian, you feel like heaven.”
 
He rasped in my ear.

“Charlie,” I moaned in ecstasy, I wanted him to call me by
my real name.
 
Crap!
 
He was the first
person,
I ever wanted to hear to my first name screamed out in pleasure.
 
I was lost in him.
 
The walls I had built were falling in a quick
mess of ruble.
 
Each thrust, each claim
of my mouth, had me undone.
 
My climax,
deep and reverent clamped hard around him
;
freeing.
 
My control with him, willingly
abandoned just for him.
 
This was so new
to me.
 
The thunder of my heart had me
completely undone in this moment with him.
 
There was no pull to run away, to hide from him.
 
I lost myself in him.
 
My body, now his to control I was conceding
for now.
 
Moving up and down his cock, my
arms gripped around his shoulders for support as his hands dug into the sides
of my hips, bruising them with his hold.
 

Adjusting he lowered me down to the bed, as his movements
increased and his body trembled.
 
Pressing his body hard into mine, I felt trapped and secure.
 
He consumed every part of me.
 
My body withered in pleasure under his.
 
The tempo increased and his cock buried to
the hilt.
 
The harder he
thrusted
, the deeper I felt him.

I knew tomorrow would come and my resolve would return, but
for one night, I wanted to lose myself in my feelings, I wanted to lose myself
in him.
 

My enemy, my fantasy.