Hostage (8 page)

R
OWAN
WAS
strangely nervous when he made his way back to Astrin’s room. What would he find? Why did he care? He didn’t care. He still hated Astrin and yet…. Somehow, when he heard what had happened in the night, when he thought of those clear green eyes closed forever, something gripped him, something that was uncomfortable and alien. Concern? Fear?

And now it was back, burning in the pit of his stomach, making him feel faint and slightly ill. What if something had gone wrong again? What if Astrin were dead? What if he weren’t the same anymore? What if…?

“What the hell…?” Rowan mumbled to himself, grinding his teeth and setting his lips. “I’m
not
going to start going soft over that stupid…. I’m just not. I hate him. I still hate him. I’m going to hate him forever.” He paused, his natural honesty forcing him to reconsider. “Okay, so I’ve started to stop
really
hating him, but I’m never going to like him… never. No one can make me like him. He’s just too different, too lucky, too spoiled, and too stupid.”

Continuing the mantra, Rowan squared his shoulders and entered the infirmary. He paused outside the door to Astrin’s room, nervous again, until he heard the rumble of voices inside and curiosity overtook him.

Astrin was sitting up in bed, looking pale and ill, with dark circles under his eyes. They were duller than Rowan remembered but otherwise the same.

“Rowan,” Ragnor said, drawing Rowan’s attention away from the wan prince. Ragnor gazed steadily at him across the bed. Although he had a smile on his face, Rowan was sure it was for Astrin’s benefit only, because his eyes were steely. “I was wondering what was taking you so long. Astrin has surely had enough of my prattling and is ready for some lighter companionship.” Ragnor touched Astrin’s shoulder, drawing the young man’s attention back from Rowan. “Are you feeling up to breakfast?”

Astrin looked doubtful. “I feel sick,” he stated simply.

“Yes, I can understand that, but it will help if you eat something. You haven’t eaten in a while, so it will make you feel stronger.”

“I’ll try.” Astrin shrugged, licking his lips tentatively, as Ragnor handed him a piece of toast from the tray at the side of the bed. He chewed carefully, making a face, then swallowed with difficulty and looked as if he were about to throw it straight back up.

However, by the time the whole slice was finished, he looked better and, smiling, reached eagerly for another. Ragnor nodded, satisfied, and drew Rowan to the side as Astrin continued to munch.

“Be careful with him today. He’s stable now, but he was very ill last night. Treat him gently, and if he gets ill again like he did yesterday, call me immediately.”

“Are you sure I should be taking him out?” Rowan asked, alarmed. Ragnor patted his arm.

“Fresh air and exercise will do him good. He’s been asleep for too long, and after today, for who knows how much longer. Try to make sure he has a nice day, Rowan. The chances are he will remember this, and we want relations to remain cordial between our Houses.”

“But… I—I haven’t been very nice to him.”

“Then make it up to him today.”

“But I still don’t like him,” Rowan protested. “And what if he starts asking questions again? I panic and say stupid things.”

“Then don’t panic and don’t say stupid things. Divert him and put him off.”

“But I can’t. His eyes… he… when he looks at me, I can’t….”

“Then try harder. Take care of him, Rowan. You’ve come a long way in the last two days—go further today.”

Rowan sighed, knowing when he was beaten, and if he was being honest with himself, he wanted to spend time with Astrin. Somewhere along the way, something had changed and now he had to keep reminding himself to hate Astrin because the truth was, he didn’t….

“I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all that any man can promise. Do what you want today. Take him out and try to find something that will please him. Bring him back after dinner.”

“What then?”

“Then he is no longer your concern, and I will take responsibility for his care, myself.”

“I won’t see him again?”

“As your hostage, no. In the future, as equals, undoubtedly yes.”

Rowan was pleased. It was a relief he’d no longer be required to take care of the prince. He wasn’t quite sure why he was so relieved. All he could think of was Astrin’s body still in the bed—and trembling in his arms in the shower. No, this was pointless. It was a chore to babysit. He was pleased. End of the story. No need to question why.

Astrin was on his third piece of toast and looked a lot better. Rowan sat down in the chair and watched him, chewing thoughtfully on his own breakfast.

“What’s wrong? Do I have butter on my nose?”

“What?”

“The way you were looking at me. It makes me feel weird.”

Rowan laughed. “What do you mean?”

“I feel…. It’s like you were looking inside me and….” Astrin took a breath. “I can’t see anything inside me. I feel… empty… blank. There’s nothing there. I know… I know I’ve been ill and when I’m better it will come back, but right now? I’m not quite sure how to handle it. And then you… you look at me like you know me. You look and see what I can’t see—who I am, what my life was like—and it feels… weird.”

Rowan smiled. “You’ll get used to it.”

“The man…. The other man, I don’t remember his name.”

“Ragnor.”

“Whatever. He told me you’re my friend. Is that true? It’s just that… somehow you don’t feel like a friend.”

Rowan opened his mouth, then closed it again, swallowing.

“I haven’t been a very good friend. In fact I’ve been a terrible friend… but I’ll make it up to you. I’ll be your friend now.”

Astrin narrowed his eyes and bit his lip thoughtfully. “Do you know me well?”

Rowan shook his head. “I thought I did, but it turns out I don’t. I don’t really know you at all.”

Astrin continued to stare with that puzzled frown. Then he laughed lightly. “You’re weird.”

“So are you. You’re a freak, Raphael.”

“Raphael?”

“That’s your name—Astrin Raphael.”

Again Astrin frowned, then shook his head. “That should mean something to me, shouldn’t it? My name. Who I am. But it means nothing, nothing at all. I’m no one.” He sighed and lay back on the pillows, a tear squeezing from the corner of his eye.

“Hey… no feeling sorry for yourself. I’m under strict orders to get you up and active today, and I’m not having a sniveling brat hanging around with me.”

Astrin looked up with wide eyes, but Rowan was smiling, which teased out a small smile in return.

“I don’t think I want to get up. I don’t feel well.”

“Of course you don’t. You’ve been horribly ill—sometimes all over me, but you’re better now, and if Ragnor says you can get up, then get up you will, whether you want to or not.”

Without meaning to there was an edge of the old enmity in his voice, and Rowan sighed internally. Being a friend to Astrin was going to be much harder than being an enemy ever was.

Frowning doubtfully, Astrin sighed and nodded. “All right. If it’s doctor’s orders, I suppose I have to comply. What do you want me to do?”

“Shower first. You stink.”

Astrin’s eyes widened again, and Rowan shook his head in exasperation. “Don’t you ever know when I’m fooling with you? You do realize, of course, that with such an easy target I’m going to be teasing you to death all day.”

For a moment Astrin looked uncertain, and then he laughed. It was the first time Rowan had heard him laugh properly, and he liked it.

“Come on, let’s get on with this. It’s a beautiful day, so I think we should start with a walk in the gardens. Then we can go to the games room, play some games, and have lunch… then we’ll see.”

“Okay.”

Astrin seemed stronger than he had been the day before, but as soon as he was upright he doubled over with a gasp.

“What’s wrong?”

“It hurts.”

“Let me help you.”

“No… no, I can…. Please, leave me.”

Panting, Astrin leaned against the wall, his arms wrapped around his chest. A few moments later, he slid down the wall to sit on the floor, hugging his knees tightly.

Rowan watched helplessly, his heart pounding. Knowing what had happened to Astrin the night before, he couldn’t stop the fluttering panic that churned his stomach. He left Astrin as long as he could stand it, then knelt in front of him. Astrin’s shining blond hair cascaded over his hands and knees, shutting him away, and Rowan was completely lost, not knowing what to do.

Eventually, when his soft “Astrin” was ignored, he reached out and touched the silky hair. Astrin jumped and snapped his head up sharply. His face was streaked with tears but still impossibly beautiful and, Rowan suddenly realized, ravaged by his recent treatment. Before he quite knew what he was doing, he’d reached out his hand and was wiping the tears from Astrin’s cheek.

“Don’t cry. It’s going to be all right.”

For a second Astrin froze, staring at Rowan; then he turned away.

“Don’t. Don’t hide. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” Rowan put a finger under Astrin’s chin and turned his head so he could look into the green eyes shadowed with pain and confusion. “I’m going to look after you now. I’ve been a bad friend, Astrin, but no more. I’m going to be a good friend now, and I’m going to look after you.”

Astrin frowned deeply and tried to turn his face away again.

“Don’t,” Rowan said. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong but… I just don’t… I don’t know what’s real anymore. Everything feels…
wrong
.” He started crying, and Rowan felt a stab of guilt as he realized Astrin was completely right.

“That’s understandable. You’re ill and not strong yet. You feel weak and… and not right. Come on, get up and have a shower. Things will seem better then. I’ll take you out in the sunshine, and it will be warm and fresh. You’ve been in this room too long.”

“Have I?”

Rowan nodded. “A long time.”

“How long?”

Rowan weighed the options and decided that, on balance, the truth was probably best. “Three months.”

“What…?” Astrin looked shaken. “That long? I must have been really ill. What’s wrong with me?”

Again Rowan faltered, then shook his head. “What am I, a doctor? Come on, get off your arse. I told you, a shower will make everything seem a lot better.”

“A… all right.”

Hesitantly Astrin held out his hand to Rowan, and their eyes locked as he let Rowan pull him to his feet. He winced and hunched, pressing his hand to his chest, then he straightened, still biting his lip.

“I’m okay.”

Rowan led Astrin into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Rowan’s heart was thumping with the prospect of helping Astrin as he had the day before. It didn’t appeal to him any more than it had then, but he had the strangest feeling he’d be horribly disappointed if he just turned and walked away.

“Can you manage on your own?”

Astrin thought about it and nodded. “I… think so.”

As expected, the disappointment was keen. He had to grit his teeth against a sharp response. He wanted to hurt Astrin. Old habits died hard. Fortunately, he was able to control himself, so he merely nodded and smiled, then turned to leave.

“Rowan…,” Astrin called, causing Rowan to turn back. “I’m not sure… I’m not sure if I can do it on my own. But… but you…. It feels… weird.”

Astrin was standing but leaning heavily against the counter. Rowan could see his hands shaking.

“I seem to remember you didn’t used to be so shy.”

“I… didn’t?” Astrin narrowed his eyes at him.

“Nope. Now, I don’t know about you, but I really don’t want to be stuck in this bathroom all day when the sun is shining and the birds are singing outside. So get your clothes off and your arse in that shower, quick smart.”

Astrin smiled shyly. “All right.”

Astrin struggled to get undressed but wouldn’t let Rowan help. Rowan watched with a smile on his face. This was just the kind of stubborn independence that had irritated him so much the day before. Today it didn’t irritate him at all.

When Astrin was done, he looked totally exhausted and couldn’t get up out of the chair, although he tried. He swore, frustrated with himself.

“It’s all right. I’ll help.” Quickly shucking his own clothes, Rowan hauled Astrin out of the chair. Once on his feet, Astrin groaned again and sagged against Rowan, his body tense and clenched with pain.

Rowan tightened his arm around Astrin and held him close until he relaxed. “You okay?” Astrin nodded but didn’t speak.

It felt very different than the day before as Rowan gently guided Astrin into the shower. Today the shower relaxed him too, and he rested his cheek on Astrin’s head, allowing himself to enjoy it. Reflexively Astrin put his arms around him, his head heavy on Rowan’s shoulder. Rowan was perfectly content—for about a minute, which was how long it took for what he was doing to hammer into his brain. He was standing in a shower, completely naked, in the embrace of another naked boy… and it wasn’t even one he liked.

Unlike the previous day, he’d not have dreamed of pushing Astrin away. Instead, he disentangled his arms gently and stepped away. Astrin looked a little dazed.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m getting cold. Do you want me to wash your hair?” Astrin smiled and nodded. “Dunk your head under the water, then.”

When it was wet, Astrin’s hair was darker and longer. It clung to his shoulders and streaked across his face, striping it with dark and light. Rowan was surprised to realize Astrin was slightly taller than he was. For some reason he’d always thought him to be small. He wasn’t so delicate either, when up this close.

Oh shit
, Rowan thought.
Just keep your eyes closed
.

“Okay, put your head back under the water and wash out the soap. You need to rub it when it’s under the water. Can you manage that?”

Astrin tried, but it exhausted him, and they had to maneuver so Rowan could do it for him. That meant getting close again, which was even worse, because Rowan could smell the fresh scent of the shampoo.