How to Sew a Button: And Other Nifty Things Your Grandmother Knew (30 page)

Step 1:
Gather your equipment. You can round up all of it on your own or visit a home brew supply store (online or in person) and pick up a starter kit for about $65. Totally worth it! Here’s what you need:

• One 3-to 4-gallon stockpot
  

• One long metal spoon
  

• One 6-to 6½-gallon glass carboy (one of those giant bottles that spring water typically comes in) with a cap
  

• One 5-gallon (or larger) plastic bucket
  

• 6 feet of clear plastic tubing (about 3/8 inch in diameter)
  

• One air lock
  

• One rubber stopper with a hole in the middle (like a doughnut)
  

• One funnel
  

• One thermometer
  

• Some bleach
  

• One empty milk or wine jug
  

• A shot of vodka (two, if you want one)
  

• 60 12-ounce beer bottles
  

• 60 new bottle caps
  

• One bottle capper
  

Step 2:
Gather your ingredients. Only four things go into most beers: water, malt, hops, and yeast. (You’ll also need some corn sugar for bottling.) For a basic bitter, pick up 5 pounds light or amber malt extract, 2 ounces Cascade pellet hops, a package of ale yeast, and, while you’re at it, some corn sugar.

Step 3:
Wash your fermentation equipment, and then do your best to sanitize it, or your beer will spoil. Here’s how: Fill your carboy with water, add 5 tablespoons bleach, and give a good swishing. Then fill a pot (or sink) with another gallon of water, add 1 tablespoon bleach, and drop in your thermometer, funnel, carboy cap, rubber tubing, rubber stopper, and a pair of rubber gloves. Let everything sit for 20 minutes, then rinse it all with hot (or even boiling) water. From now on, touch these items only while wearing your sanitized rubber gloves.

Step 4:
Now, the fun part: Brew your beer! Heat 1½ gallons water in your pot, and once it’s steaming hot, add your malt extract and 1 ounce hops, stirring constantly until it dissolves. Then bring your kettle to a full rolling boil. (Keep an eye on it, or it will bubble over.) After 40 minutes, add ½ ounce hops to round out the flavor. Boil for another 17 minutes. Add the remaining ½ ounce hops for aroma, and boil for 3 more minutes.

Step 5:
Pop the funnel into your carboy, and pour in 3 gallons spring water.

Step 6:
Stir your pot’s contents, now known as the wort, into a good swirl, so the hops form a neat cone in the center. Then very carefully pour all the wort into the carboy, stopping before the hops pour out, too. Seal the carboy with a cap, and swirl vigorously until the water and wort are thoroughly mixed. If the carboy isn’t filled up
to where the neck narrows, top it off with more cold spring water and swirl again.

Step 7:
Remove the cap, dip in your sterilized thermometer, and read the temp. If it’s 78 degrees or cooler, sprinkle in the yeast. If it’s warmer than 78 degrees, fill your tub or sink with cold water and a few ice cubes, and chill your carboy. (No double-dipping with your thermometer; sanitize it again before taking the next reading.)

Step 8:
Once you’ve added the yeast, plug the carboy with your rubber stopper (the one with a hole in the middle) and slide in your plastic tubing (or fermentation hose). (Go easy, no need to jam it so far down that it touches your beer.) Put the other end of the hose into an old milk jug (or wine bottle, pot, or bucket, doesn’t matter) filled a quarter of the way with water and a few drops of bleach. (It’ll catch any runoff without allowing unsanitary air to blow back into the fermenter.)

Step 9:
Chill out for 2 to 3 days and observe. During this time, your beer is going to bubble like crazy. It may even push some foam out the tube and into your runover jug. That’s just the yeast, converting the malt’s yummy sugars into alcohol and carbon dioxide.

Step 10:
Once your beer stops bubbling, sanitize your fermentation lock. Then remove the hose and pop in the lock. Fill it with water, or even better, vodka. Air will be able to escape but bacteria won’t be able to enter.

Step 11:
Now, the hard part: waiting. Store your carboy in a dark, room-temperature place (like a closet), and let it sit for 2 weeks. Pass the time by dreaming up a name for your creation and, if you’d like, making bottle labels.

Step 12:
Get ready to bottle your beer! First, wash and then sanitize your bottles, caps, plastic tubing (again), and 5-gallon plastic bucket
by filling your tub with water, adding 1 tablespoon bleach for every gallon, and letting everything soak for 20 minutes. Rinse the bottles with boiling water, and then drain your bottles upside down on a drying rack.

Step 13:
In a small pot, boil 2 cups water, add 5 ounces corn sugar (about ¾ cup), and stir until dissolved.

Step 14:
Plunk your carboy on your countertop and remove the fermentation lock.

Step 15:
Place the sanitized bucket on the floor below the carboy, and dump in the corn sugar mixture.

Step 16:
Grab your hose, fill it with spring water, and cover the ends with your thumbs.

Step 17:
Dunk one end of the hose into your beer and let the other end drain into the bucket. The rest of your beer will magically follow. Let all but the last ½ inch or so transfer to the bucket. This process, known as racking, helps separate your delicious beer from all the goopy sediment at the bottom.

Step 18:
Plunk your beer-filled bucket on the countertop, and place your dry, sterilized bottles on the floor beneath it. Sterilize your tubing once more (for good measure), then fill it again with spring water, put your thumbs over the ends, dip one end into your beer and hold the other end below until your brew starts flowing.

Step 19:
Put your hose into a bottle (all the way to the bottom), and fill to within an inch of the top. Pinch or bend the hose to stop the flow. Repeat, until all your bottles are full.

Step 20:
Place your caps on each bottle (try not to touch their insides) and squeeze shut with your bottle-capper. If you’ve made labels, stick them on now.

Step 21:
Store bottles at room temperature for 10 more days.

Step 22:
Chill your home brew, and then drink up! Guaranteed, it’ll be the best-tasting thing you’ve ever put to your lips.

• If you don’t want to buy beer bottles, ask a local bar to save their empties for you, or take a walk on recycling day.
  

• For other recipes, check the Web or ask your home brew supply store. Oftentimes, they’ll sell ingredients in kits, based on the kind of beer (stout, lager, porter, etc.) you’d like to brew.
  

Step 1:
Fill your shiny silver cocktail shaker with ice. Begin salivating.

Step 2:
Add 2 ounces bourbon.

Step 3:
Add 1 ounce sweet vermouth.

Step 4:
Add 5 to 6 dashes Angostura bitters.

Step 5:
Stir vigorously, wiping drool from your chin with shirtsleeve.

Step 6:
Strain into a cocktail glass, and add a cherry, if you please.

Step 1:
Pour 2 ounces gin over ice in a tall shaker.

Step 2:
Add 1 ounce dry vermouth.

Step 3:
Now for the secret, often overlooked, ingredient: Add a dash of orange bitters.

Step 4:
Stir like crazy, until your shaker is sweating. (If you start sweating, too, then you know you’re stirring
too
vigorously. Reel it in a bit.)

Step 5:
Run a lemon twist around the edge of the glass.

Step 6:
Pour your deliciousness into the glass through a strainer.

Step 7:
Add your lemon twist by grasping both ends, gently turning hands in opposite directions until it spritzes into your cocktail. Then drop it in.

• Sip your cocktails from small 2-to 3-ounce glasses, not giant fishbowls.
  

• Chill your glasses ahead of time by filling them with ice and water until you’re ready to pour.
  

• Put on some music. Drinking while talking or dancing or singing is fun. Drinking in silence or while watching the boob tube is much less so.
  

Step 1:
Plan your event. This one’s a no-brainer, but before you invite any of your friends, you’ll obviously need to figure out the date, location, and time of your party.

Step 2:
Make a guest list. Consider the location of your fete. You don’t want the space to be too crowded (sweaty!) or too empty (awkward!). Give your guest list a once-over to make sure you haven’t missed anyone important to you. Then consider how your crew will mix and mingle, and make any necessary adjustments. You don’t want to end up with, say, one single among a group of married couples, one man among a group of women, or one Fox newser among a group of MSNBCers.

Step 3:
Choose your vibe. The invitation sets the tone of the entire event, so select one that best conveys the energy of the affair. Hands down, paper invitations, sent by mail, are always the most fun to receive. If it’s a more casual affair, or you have less time to plan, e-mail or telephone invitations will do just fine.

Step 4:
Two to three weeks before the party (or longer if it’s a wedding or an event that requires travel), extend a personal invitation to each potential guest. (You may, of course, group couples and families together on one invitation.) Your goal is to make every possible attendee feel special, so don’t lump everyone together in a mass e-mail; that’s a quick way to make no one feel valued. Be sure to tell your invitees who is hosting the party, the location, the starting time, and, if you’d like, the ending time. Be prepared with directions, if necessary. And set a date by which you request their reply (regrets
and
acceptances). Usually a week’s notice is enough to give you time to plan accordingly.