How to Sew a Button: And Other Nifty Things Your Grandmother Knew (31 page)

• When making your guest list, figure about a 75 percent return rate.
  

• Unless it’s a superformal affair, don’t be shy about personalizing each invitation. Jot down a quick note, like, “I’d love to see you!” or “We miss you so much!” or “Hope you can come!”
  

Step 1:
Make a guest list, based on the number of people (and seats) you can comfortably squeeze around your dining table (or your living room and kitchen, if it’s a casual affair).

Step 2:
Choose a general theme for the evening (e.g., Italian, Indian, Saint Patrick’s Day, tropical). While you shouldn’t dictate exactly what you’d like your guests to bring, a little guidance is often appreciated. Not only will it make it easier for your friends to choose a recipe, but it’ll also help prevent any bad combos (e.g., sushi and fondue)—and bellyaches.

Step 3:
Figure out how many dishes you’d like the meal to include. At minimum, you’ll need an entrée (that’s your job), a side, a salad, and a dessert. Appetizers and wine would be lovely, too.

Step 4:
Extend a personal invitation to each of your guests, either in person or via telephone. Once you know whether they can attend, tell them the culinary theme of the meal and ask them to bring an appetizer, salad, side dish, or dessert. Any guests who are less handy in the kitchen (or pressed for time) can bring wine, bread, or a cheese plate. Be sure to check up front if anyone is vegetarian or has any food allergies.

Step 5:
Before guests arrive, prepare the entrée, set the table, and clear any counter space (or oven space) necessary for their dishes. Set up a bar area, with ice, cups, corkscrews, and any beverages you’re providing. Be prepared with any extra serving containers, ladles, tongs, or spatulas you might need to serve the feast. Turn on some tunes, plunk some flowers in a few vases, and light a few candles.

Step 6:
When your pals arrive, give hugs and smooches, ask them what deliciousness they’ve brought and what, if any, further preparation is required. Then introduce them to your other friends and point them to the bar.

Step 7:
Sit down, eat, drink, and be merry!

Step 8:
Slip into the kitchen and wash your guests’ dishes so you can return them at the evening’s end. If you have any leftovers, offer them to the chef of the dish. Oftentimes, they’ll let you keep them, but you shouldn’t assume they’re yours.

• Keep a roll of masking tape and pen handy, and write the name of the owner on her respective dish, so you know whom to give what to.
  

• Though you may rely on your guests to bring wine, definitely keep a couple of bottles handy to get the party started. You never want your guests to go thirsty, especially if your wine-bringer is late. Also, some guests may not drink alcohol, so have some tasty bevies for them, too.
  

• If you plan on hosting three or fewer guests, prepare the evening’s entrée and allow the others to bring only wine or dessert. Potlucks generally work best for larger groups, but feel rather stingy for smaller gatherings.
  

Step 1:
Figure out who has the higher rank or level of authority. You’ve got all of a split second to make your choice, so don’t dillydally. Your boss, for example, trumps your buddy. Your lover trumps your neighbor. If it’s unclear, pick whoever is older.

Step 2:
Name the more distinguished party, and present to her the underparty. Include any relevant information she might like to know. “Ms. President, may I present June Cleaver, my neighbor.” You can also substitute “have you met” for “may I present.” On less formal occasions, feel free to simply say both parties’ names back-to-back. “Laverne DeFazzio, Shirley Feeney.”

Step 3:
You’re finished! No need to do the reverse introduction or repeat names. Your peeps already have all they need to know.

• If you’re introducing one person to a group, address the person closest to you and present the newcomer to her. “Barb, this is my colleague, Nicki.” Then move around the group, simply naming each of the members.
  

• Don’t be bossy. Try to avoid making statements like “You must meet” or “Please shake hands with.” No one likes being told what to do.
  

• If there’s an awkward silence after you make the introduction, help your friends along by letting them know what they have in common, but keep it flattering. Rather than “Jo, have you met Blair? I think you both have hemorrhoids,” say, “Jo, have you met Blair? You both went to the same boarding school.”
  

Step 1:
Find a nice card, or make one, and grab a pen. Thank-you cards should always be handwritten. It’s more personal.

Step 2:
Address the recipient by name: “Dear Matilda.”

Step 3:
Offer thanks for the gift, meal, helping hand, whatever. Begin the sentence with “Thank you for …” or “I’m so grateful for. …”

Step 4:
State, in simple terms, why the gift or gesture touched you. (If it’s a present you haven’t put to use yet, say what you plan to do with it in the future.) Think, “Your pecan pie was so delicious. It was just what I needed after a hard day.” Or “I plan to use the money to fulfill my lifelong dream of traveling to Paris this summer.”

Step 5:
Express your gratitude for the gift giver. After all, her presence in your life is more important than her presents in your life, right? Try something like, “You’re always so thoughtful” or “I’m so grateful to have such a generous friend.”

Step 6:
Sign off. Try, “With love,” “fondly,” or “warmly,” and then your name.

Step 7:
Lick it, address it, stamp it, and send it!

• Keep it short. A few heartfelt sentences will do.
  

• Don’t get all highfalutin with your language. Write how you speak. Otherwise the receiver may suspect that the real you has been abducted by aliens.
  

• Be swift. The sooner you send your card, the more meaningful it will be.
  

Step 1:
Divide players into two equal teams of two or more, and grab some paper, pencils, two hats (or bowls or baskets), a score pad, and a stopwatch. Select a neutral timekeeper, or just take turns minding the clock.

Step 2:
Ask each player to write down a phrase on a slip of paper. (If you have a bazillion people playing, teams can come up with, say, five or so phrases collectively.) Once the phrases have been chosen, fold the papers and toss them into your own team’s hat. If you’d like, you may agree, in advance, on certain categories, like famous people, songs, quotes, plays, movies, or books.

Step 3:
Flip a coin (or thumb wrestle or, if it’s that kind of party, mud wrestle) to decide which team goes first, and then select one person on the winning team to draw a phrase from the opposing team’s hat. Shh, keep it secret! Give that person a few seconds to gather her thoughts, and then say “Go” and start the timer. Set a have-mercy max of three minutes per round.

Step 4:
Without making a peep, the lucky player must now act out the chosen phrase until her teammates correctly guess it. (Aside
from letting out whelps of laughter, the other team should remain mum during this guessing phase.)

Step 5:
If the team correctly shouts out the phrase, cheer and then jot down the amount of time it took them to do so. If their three minutes expire before they’ve gotten it, moan and jot down three minutes as their score. Take turns, alternating between teams and actors, until you’ve played all the slips of paper (or are too tired or too tipsy to proceed). The team with the lowest score wins.