Igniting the Wild Sparks (56 page)

After stopping at my apartment to dump off my dirty clothes, I repack my suitcase until it’s stuffed. I’m moving in with Finn. I want him to see that. I find a box and start throwing some bathroom things into it that I’ll need for the week. I don’t know how much I should take with me since it looks like we’ll be moving to Baltimore. We’ll still need to talk, but I’m doing exactly what I said I would. I have to accept that he’s not going to marry me. For now, maybe. I just know that I can’t be without him. I knew it before I proposed, but I briefly forgot after he said no. We’re in this together, no matter what. We still have our obstacles, but we’ll be together. We’ll get past them. Therapy might be a good thing for him. He’s done it before, so it won’t be something entirely new. It might just bring us closer, too. Maybe I’ll even work through my own shit once and for all.

Shortly before sunset, I pull into Finn’s complex, and see his car. I’m now afraid he might be drinking. If he’s drunk, I’ll have to deal with it. It’s his way of coping, but he can’t keep doing it. He’s going to turn into an alcoholic, if he’s not considered one now. I don’t know how much he drinks when we’re apart. We won’t be anymore, though.

I try to hurriedly lift my suitcase out of my trunk, but like at my apartment, lifting it gives me a s
tabbing pain up through my stomach and into my ribs. I gasp and it tips over. Rubbing my stomach, I take a couple deep breaths until the pain subsides. That was dumb.

Picking it up, I wheel it over to the bottom of the porch steps and go back for the box, which is much lighter. I lock my car, stuff my keys into my pocket and take the box up to the door. Trying the handle, it’s unlocked so I slowly open it to not give him a heart attack at bursting through it. I look around the kitchen and living room. His jacket is on the chair, so he must be in the shower or watching TV in his room…or drinking in his room. Shit.

As I walk to the hall, I hear Finn’s voice, so I stop and listen. Is he on the phone? He’s not talking, though. It sounds like he’s…moaning. Oh, shit. Is he doing what I think he’s doing? I can’t just walk in on him. That would be mortifying for me and I’m sure he would be embarrassed for once in his life.

I glance around the hallway and decide to sneak back out to the living room when I hear him loudly growl, “
Come on! Damn it!”
  I now hear his hard breathing, so I know he’s definitely
busy
. Shit! I’m so intruding. As I take a step away from the door, I hear,
“Faster!”
This is so awkward. I didn’t even know he talked to himself while doing this.

I hold onto the box as I quietly turn, but then I’m stopped again. His voice is a low, breathy whine, like he’s in pain.
“Fuck, don’t leave me!”

Now I’m concerned. I
anxiously swallow and slowly walk to his bedroom door. Tentatively, I take a peek, not sure what I’m going to see. Past the door, I see Finn lying on his bed, propped on his elbows, like at the hotel and before the kite festival. Is he hurt? I’m standing out here like an idiot! I take another step and that’s when the platinum blonde hair between his legs comes into view, and it’s not his magical blonde/brown I’m used to seeing there. His pants are down and there’s a woman crouched over his crotch, her head is erratically bobbing. Even though I’m frozen, I’m somehow able to walk further into the room.

I can only see what’s going on
, but I can’t fathom what’s actually happening beyond what actually is. I feel like I’m reporting from a crime scene and I’m stating the facts. From this angle, I see it’s Cara. Her eyes are closed and she’s sucking on Finn Wilder’s penis.

My
boyfriend.
My
dick.
Our
bed.

Holy fuck.

My stunned gaze slides up. Finn’s hands are clenched into fists, his arm muscles strained. His face is the most interesting part of all. His head is slack over the bed, eyes are tightly closed; his jaw is rigorously tense from gritting his teeth—despite the stress relief obviously going on—and his Adam’s apple looks like it’s a small boat battling a stormy sea as he brokenly moans.

Cara has Finn’s half
hearted erection in her mouth while he bucks his hips up to her face. Her lips are moving up and down his shaft while her tongue flicks over his tip, the very same tip that teases me. The same shaft that has given me endless orgasms. The same and only one I took into my own mouth for the first time ever. The same one he said was all
mine
and buried inside of me as he professed his undying love to me, how he can’t get enough of me, told me he was falling even more in love with me, and confessed to wanting to be my husband.

What’s happening? I blink as I watch. I want to grasp reality, but I can’t absorb in my brain what’s going on right in front of my face, other than what I just described.

Then suddenly, Finn growls again,
“Come on!”
and that snaps me to the now.

The box slips out of my hand and onto the floor in a loud crash as I hear a scream. I’m not sure whose scream it was. It didn’t sound like mine.

Finn’s eyes pop open and he raises his head as Cara flinches and falls to the floor. Finn’s gleaming dick is the only thing that looks uncaring that I’m in here.

“Oh, my God!” I despondently yell.

“Becks!” He scrambles as I spin around and run out of the apartment. It feels like slow-motion as I run down the hall, to the living room, yanking open the front door, flying over the porch and stumbling down the stairs.

I can hear him yelling from inside, “Becks!” My hands are shaking so terribly that I can’t get my keys out of my jean shorts pocket. I’m desperate. I look over to his car, but his keys aren’t in it. Yeah. I’d steal his
fucking Mustang.

Fuck, I can’t stay here!
Stomping and growling in frustration, I frantically keep trying to dig into my pocket, but I still can’t get my shaking hand into it. I urgently try my door handle again. Why in the hell did I lock it?
Shit!

I frenziedly look to the landscaping for anything to break my window, just so I can at least unlock it and get in my car, but there’s nothing and I hear noise from within his apartment.

“Becks!” Finn gusts through the front door and runs out onto the porch. Turning away from my car, I run down the sidewalk, but my hands aren’t the only things that are shaking. My legs won’t let me run any further. I wobble and drop like a bag of laundry. Hearing his frantic footsteps, I push myself back up, but as I stand, he grabs my left arm and whirls me to face him.

His face is horrified, unlike five minutes ago. “
What’re you doing here?”

“
Get your hands off me!” I push and shove him with my free hand, but he won’t let go.

“I didn’t… Shit! I didn’t mean to let that happen!”

I tearfully choke, “You looked like you were enjoying yourself. How could you do that, Finn?”

“I didn’t want to
!” His left hand agitatedly goes into his hair as he holds me with his right. “You said you were leaving me!”

I spit, “I’m sorry to disappoint you!”

“Becks!” I fight to escape as he tries to drag me to him. His button-down blue shirt is untucked and it’s covering his groin, thank God, but I can still imagine what’s underneath it.

“
Don’t fucking touch me! Your dick is still hard and wet from that skank!”

“I’m so sorry
!”

Remembering how he accused me of cheating on him, I seethe, “Did she make you come?
”

He booms, “No!”

I jerk on my arm, but his clamp is strong on my wrist. I scathingly say, “I’m sorry I interrupted you then! Go back and finish!”

“Becks!” he practically whines.

“Did you at least fantasize it was
me
giving it to you?” Our phrase-stealing game isn’t so fun right now.

“I don’t want her!
I just needed to not think about the pain, but I couldn’t! You’re
all
I was thinking about!”

“
Right. Because I’ve given you
so
many blow jobs! If you were thinking of me, you wouldn’t have done that!
My
mouth wasn’t the one sucking you off!” I darkly laugh. “And you know you’re starved for a blow job since I lack in that area of expertise! All you were thinking about was getting off and coming into that whore’s mouth!” I gasp at the sudden image I see of them together, and swiftly twist from him, violently gagging, but nothing comes up. I almost fall over from the effort, but he swoops to pick me up.

Finn
leans down to me and raptly says, “That’s
not
what I was thinking about. I imagined it was you. I only used her.”

Incited even more, I
straighten and punch his stomach, but it only manages to hurt my hand. “Damn you!” I shriek as I unexpectedly break free from him and run to my car, but he again stops me before I get there, trapping my arms with his.

He pleads, “Don’t leave!”

“You think I’m really going to stay? I just caught you fucking Cara’s mouth! I can’t
ever
un-see that! You were cheating on me!” I cry and grab my stomach, trying to catch my breath as he holds my back to his chest.

His beard rubs against my temple as he
calmly refutes, “I thought you were breaking up with me.”

“So you don’t even hesitate to invite her over for a fuck on our bed? Is that what you do? You fuck all your
Finnatics there?” I thrash against him, but his hold is unrelenting.

“No!”

“Was I only one meaningless fuck in your menagerie of whores?” I jump up and twist, but he moves with me and keeps me tight to his body.

“Never!”
His miserable tone switches to anger and he snarls,
“You’re
not
my whore!”

I slam my head against his chest and wail, “I feel like one now! I’m just another pussy for you! Another notch!” As I sob at that revelation, I
kick back at his legs, but he still doesn’t let go of me.

He
barks, “Don’t fucking say that!”

“All you did was fuck me! You used me because I eagerly opened my legs
for you whenever you snapped your fingers!”

Just like my nightmare.

“Never! I
always
make love to you!”

“Just like you
make love
to all those other obsessed Finnatics!”

“No! Only—”

“Don’t you lie to me!” I wail and punch down on his arms. He’s crushing my bruise, but the pain is actually welcomed compared to what my heart and soul are currently suffering through.

“It was a mistake!”

I stop struggling and ask, “How long has this been going on?” However, after what I just saw, I’m afraid of that answer.

“This was the
only
time.”

“How can I trust you? All you do is lie!”

“I swear to God this was it!”

“Once was enough!” I cry
and kick him again. “Let me go!”

He lowly says, “I’m
never
letting you go.” I feel his hard swallow against my head before he yells, “You were throwing me away! You told me you didn’t want me anymore!”

“I never said that!”
Squirming enough, I get my hand into my pocket, and shakily hit the buttons until the clicking of the doors unlocking and the headlights flash. Unexpectedly, Finn reaches down and swipes them out of my hand. He releases me and I angrily whirl around and try to snatch them from him.

He clutches them
in his fist and shakes his head. Total desperation colors his face. “You’re not leaving, Becks.”

“You think I’m going to stay here with you, an unfaithful bastard, your cheating dick and your fucking whore?”

He throws his other hand at the apartment. “I’ll get rid of her!”

I lunge for my keys, but he moves his hand out of the way like we’re on a playground. “Are you fucking serious? Give me my keys!”

“You’re not going anywhere! We need to talk!”

“Talk
? I’m not taking a number and sucking your dick next! Give me my keys!” I yell louder. I know we’re probably drawing an audience.
Oh, God.

His face falls. “
No. Please stay here.”

I cross my arms.
“I want the truth. Would you have fucked her if she had climbed on top of you instead?”

Lifting
his hands up, he puts them on top of his head. His eyes are disparaging as he whispers, “Not without a condom.”

Without thinking, I swiftly move and knee him hard in the balls
and he involuntarily recoils. Groaning, his hands go to his crotch and he crashes to the ground next to my car, dropping my keys. I pick them up, hovering over him.

I yelp, “Damn it! I loved you, Finn Wilder!”

On his knees at my feet with his head bowed, he painfully wheezes, “I love you.”