In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (12 page)

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arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf, arf

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“My word, animals that far exceed a thousand pounds and are proven to be  developed into killing machines with great fangs that rival their sabre toothed evolutionary cousin? And it sounds as if these adorable land sharks are accompanied by eight thousand pound, twenty foot, carnivorous cousins? Is this a correct summation?”

“Si, Senorita.”

“Thank you, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn. I say, Mr. Temperance? Would you be a dear chappie, and do a little, how do you like to say, reconnoitering?”

“Yes, Ma’am. If you think I otter.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

The infuriatingly imbecilic Ichabod Temperance braves the howling winds to go see what sounds to be approaching our position.

arf, arf,
arunf,
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arunf,
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arunf,
arf

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arunf,
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arunf,
arf

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arunf,
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arunf,
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arunf,
arf

Wonderful! He has made a quick trip of his reconnaissance.

“Well, I snook a peek around this here rock we’re all hiding behind, and there’s a whole slew o’ them oversized, super fanged, heavy eater, Leopard Seals swiftly coming this way. Eight of ’em, it looks like. Them big ol’ Elephant Seals are not far behind, but there was too many to count.”

“Ha, ha! Counting! This I like, but these circumstances I do not like. Ha, ha. Being shredded and mauled by this horde of flippered foe is a most unpleasant way to go! Ha, ha!”

“Yessir, Count Sezami, sir. I figure we got about thirty seconds before the Leopards find us.”

“I say, if anyone has any suggestions, please do not hesitate to offer them. My word, most assuredly, yes.”

“Heh,heh,heh, h-h-h-why do we sit here? Why do we not flee for our lives? Henh...”

“That gale bae maeking moovement, nae aempoosible, ye’ silly twit. We could no moore outrun these beasties than we could a thoroughbred race horse. It was aulle we could do to drag ourselves to this spot behoind the roock. Oye say we stand ’ere an’ make a goood accountin’ o’ oourselves, aye.”

“Heh,heh,heh, h-we could throw them the crew to feast on vhile zee rest of us sneakzy avay! Henh!”

“My word, that is grossly unacceptable, Mr. WrenneFeyldde. Mr. Temperance, do you have any suggestions?”

“Yes Ma’am. Let’s get Mr. Cogito off this litter and disassemble it real quick. We can at least fight with the spars and boards. Let’s hop to it folks, cause the circus is in town!”

ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!!
I say.
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Mr. Temperance!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Yes, Ma’am!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Isn’t it ironic?
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
What’s that
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Miss Plumtartt?
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
I normally
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
very strongly advocate
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
not doing
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
exactly
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
what you are doing
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
In fact
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I am a founding member
ARF!ARF!ARF!
of a society
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
specifically chartered
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
against this activity
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
but now I say
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Club that seal, baby!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Yes, Ma’am!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
BonBon, voyage
ARF!ARF!ARF!
my super assessor friend
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Ha, ha!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
As I tick down the seconds
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of our existence
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I say farewell to you
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Count
ARF!ARF!
ha, ha!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Ohhhh. As the clubs
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are being eaten away
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
I think I hear
ARF!ARF!
the arrival
ARF!ARF!ARF!
of our Elephant Seal
ARF!
contingent
ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!ARUNF!
Should we try singing
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
to keep our spirits up?
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
Blast ye’ Icky
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!

ARF!ARF!
Oye’ll kill ye’ meself
ARF!ARF!ARF!

ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
if ye’ sings a note!
ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!ARF!
Fight ye’ blooody idiot!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!
Yessir!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!ARUNF!ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!ARF!
ARUNF!
ARF!

Krack-POW! Krack-POW! Krack-POW!

The hideous monsters fall back from what are apparently some well aimed rifle shots across the beam of the seals’ whiskers. The mighty brutes rear back and with only a moments hesitation, turn about and flop away.

“Look, Count ChauckOolaux, I count more than twenty riflemen, braving the harsh weather with their weapons poised on the hillside behind us.”

“Ha, ha, yes, Count Sezami, but what is this I see? It is a figure of authority that moves before the line of men to survey our position. This iron leader does so with quite a haughty stance I am thinking, my Count.”

“Gee whillikers, mister, thanks for saving us. We were in a heck of a jam. And thanks for not slaughtering those animals, too, sir! That was kind of you!”

“Hauh, hauh, hauh” laughs a husky female voice, thick and sultry. “It was not with a thought to seal conservation, little, hu, man. My orders are to retrieve your bodies alive, and unharmed, if possible. Had we drawn blood upon the creatures, they would have no doubt gone into a killing frenzy, devouring you all, even my undead associates.”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“Your timing is impeccable as alvays, my dear most womanly child!”

“Ha, ha! I cannot believe my two eyes! Is this reality, or a vision of fantasy? Ha, ha!”

“Hauh, hauh, hauh, Count Sezami, you know very well that I am a real vision of fantasy.”

The figure, and though concealed beneath a voluminous thick fur coat, there is no denying that a most impressive figure dwells within, surveys her audience whom she has narrowly saved from being eaten alive. Showing a brazen contempt for her severe environment, the tall woman recklessly throws her raiment in the air to be carried away with the racing wind. The brazen female stands with her pale skin bare; unflinching in the sub-freezing temperatures and punishing wind. Throwing back her head, the woman releases her thick black hair to whip violently about in the erratic gusts. Laughing at our shock, she boldly allows us to soak in the savage beauty of her fearsome, glorious form.

High heeled black boots follow the curves of her legs to the tops of her calves. At this point, we, the lucky few to behold the wondrous sight, are invited to continue our visual caress up the milky, though powerful thighs. I personally prefer a caramel tone to my ladies, but for this incredible specimen, I shall make the creamy white chocolate exception.

I vould not mind putting my chocolate kisses all over this eye candy.

Apart from the boots, all she wears is a highly stressed, red monokini. The voluptuous assets and remarkable mammalian attributes of this legend are barely restrained by the skimpy costume.

“Ha, ha! Count me amongst your biggest fans, my dear! I can think of no one I would rather be saved from horrible death by than the inestimable,”

“Vampyrellah!”

---

“Get the mechanical ‘Walruses’ in the stable!” I order the human slaves under my command. “If we have another flipper freeze up, I’ll eat your hearts!”

“Da, Miztress Vampyrellah!”

“Be sure to service their spine joints and grease the control levers for the reciprocating spring servo arms. That clockwork requires your constant attention, focus and devotion. Attend to those gears and cogs as the single purpose of your miserable existence, you worms!”

“Da, Miztress Vampyrellah!”

“You crewmen of the
‘Stoker’
are now assigned to the forces here in ‘Little Transylvania’.”

“Da, Miztress Vampyrellah!”

“Take the tin man to the machine shop and get him in working order with all dispatch. Our newfound guests shall accompany me to the main building.”

“Da, Miztress Vampyrellah!”

“I like the way you dispatch your men, Vampyrellah.”

“I bet you do, Trevor Dagger.”

“That’s the way to put that punk in his place, sister.”

“You and I are old history, Count Onyx’Ula. You need to let go.”

“Truly, Senorita, you have scorned the advances of these others so that you and I may make the beautiful music together.”

“Get some fresh material, Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn, I’ve heard that one a thousand times.”

“Tee, hee! Mae bonnie great boosty lass ‘wearin’ the ultimate in skimpy loongeries, has given me the honour o’ baein’ her favoured beau. Tee, hee!”

“You’re cute, Pol. I might keep you in mind as a maybe.”

“Aye! Tee, hee!”

“Ha, ha! I am at the top of the beautiful Vampyrellah’s list! Ha, ha! I am number one! Ah, hahahahahaha!”

“Oh, Count Sezami, I prefer to think of you as a trusted uncle.”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“Sweet! Then you may think of me as your untrustworthy uncle!”
mnk, mnk, mnk

“Count ChauckOolaux, you precocious, hazel sugarplum! I could just eat you up!”

“Heh,heh,heh, h-h-h-may I open the door for you, Meeztress Vampyrellah?”

“No, WrenneWorm, I prefer to stride forward and kick the two great heavy oaken doors that bar the portal to part the heavy gates hard enough to slam into the walls on either side as I throw my chosen slave before me thusly:
”

Wham!

Bam!

plop.

“Thanky, Ma’am.”

“Just sit there and be quiet, Ickzi. I will let you know when I am ready for you.”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Mizress Vampyraellah, Ma’am.”

“My word, I do not think I care for that very much, I must say.”

“You are welcome to the remains when I am through with him, human woman.”

“I say, Mr. Temperance, get up off the floor and join me, please.”

“But I was told to just sit here and be quiet, Miss Plumtartt.”

“Mr. Temperance!”

“Da, Miss Plumtartt, I mean, Mistress Plumtartt, oops, I mean, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”

Hauh, hauh, hauh. Let the thirsty eyes that populate this vast, banquet hall drink deeply of the intoxicating beauty that is my luscious body’s magnificence. My vampire space girl uniform, with its strategically placed red ribbons of fabric, is designed to be of the most utilitarian of designs, but it also works well to enthrall all who fall in my presence; the males with hopeless desire and the females with wonder, admiration and jealousy.

“Greetings, all of my colleagues and their retainers that are gathered in this spacious Hall!”

“Vampyrellah!” They all exuberantly call back to me. “Hooray!”

“My mission was a success, of course, and I have once again snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. In this case, those fang-filled jaws were accented with sabre teeth and tusk enhancement.”

“You know that you enjoy my every confidence at all times, Vampyrellah.”

“Thank you so much, Lank Fangella, you irresistible hunk of Transylvanian sophistication.”

Every part of my exquisite body tingles with a heightened sensitivity. I can easily track every conversation in this room of blathering fools. I shall make an aural surveillance of the Hall’s occupants. Let me first listen in on those three tuxedoed vampire males:

“Ha, ha! I count up to Thirteen, Thirteen, Lane of the Mockingbirds to find my old friend Grampa Louis! How are you, you old monster, you?”

“Oi vey, Count Sezami, do I have the troubles. I wake up in the middle of the day with an urge to urinate. What am I to do? Must I lay there in my casket doing the peepee dance until sundown? Is this a life for a dead man? Oi, shlaven.”

“Grampa Louis, Please introduce me to your elegant companion. This tall and noble gentleman who wears the badges of the seven arts.”

“Oi, so now I host. Forgive me for dropping the hammer in this introduction. Count Sezami, meet Baron Kristopher Leigh.”

“I am charmed,” rumbles the gentrified mountain. “I have counted the days until I could make your acquaintance.”

“Ha, ha! I rank that as the highest of compliments, Baron!”

Now I turn my attention to Pol Steele as he introduces himself to one of our oldest, and most respected of bloodsuckers.

“Hello there maester fauncey paunts vampire, chappie. Ye’ with yaer red clooak and hands aulle balled afore ye’ likes the claughwes o’ a bantam caught innae deep fraeze. Long curley nails protrueding frae the hand talons makes mae hesitant tae shake ’ands. Bhaughtte Oye’m drawn tae ye’ noone the less. Soompthing in yaer face is familiar tae mae. Ye’ ever baen tae Scotland, m’lad?”

The voice that replies to the Scot is as from far away, though they stand quite close to one another. The deep, rasping, echoey crackle that vibrates the answer back to the Scottish engineer has a quality to it that conjures the image of a hunchbacked retainer having difficulty shoving a resistant mausoleum’s stone door open while on a nefarious mission.

“N-
N-
N-
N-O-
O-
O-
O-
O-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o......
”

“Maybe it’s the way ye’ grows ye’ hair out and then folds it back in on itself frae the top. What’s ye’re name, laddie?”

“Count Ghierry Oldemann-n-
n-
n-
n-
n-
n-
n-
...”

“Oldman! Why one o’ mae cloosest maetes bae named Atticus Oldman. Aere ye related?”

“N-
N-
N-
N-O-
O-
O-
O-
O-O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o......
”

“Aye, that’s goood on account he’s a dodgy and oonscrupulous villain what nips intae mae rum when Oye’m nae watching him close.”

Do I sense vampiric romance in bloom with my hyper hearing? I attune my vampire/space-girl super ears toward a corner love seat.

“Hey! Could ya’ move your feets there, you old goat? Eh, sorry, pops. I mean, c’mon, give a girl a break. Sometimes movement is difficult in a dress this tight. Did you ever wear one? Nevermind, I don’t wanna know. I think I can get by you to sit down. It can be hard to get all this gal into this dress that I know must be shrinking because I can’t get any bigger. Whew, it’s hard to keep all of me in here sometimes. Oops! Get back in there girls. Ah, that’s better. I’ll just take a load off alongside you, mister. What did you say your name was you elegant, handsome Hungarian stud muffin you?”

“Good evening, my raven haired voluptuous settee companion. To have you squeeze and skootch by in front of me as you just did is the greatest thrill I have enjoyed in many years and I thank you, my jiggly beauty. Though I am many years your senior, I am very pleased to meet you, my lovely child. My name is Count Hela Gigalosi. And you, my perky and exuberant bombshell, vhat is your name?”

“Oh! Count Hela Gigalosi! I like the sound of that! I am so happy to introduce myself. ‘The Queen of every young boy’s Dream’, ‘The Hostess with the Mostest’, ‘The Mistress of the Dark’ I am EvilEyra.”

“How charming, EvilEyra, tell me, do you know that woman over there?”

“Oh, sure, Countsy Wountsy. I know every body. You mean the one with the extreme, hourglass figure? Her clingy black dress that pours down her body and then pools out around her feet like an organic vase made of ink? The one with her elbows tucked in, hands out, fingers flared as claws? The one with her not nearly as nice black hair as mine billowing around her staring face and glowing eyes that never blink?”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“Yeah, I thought so. Her name is Vampira. That old bat is a little on the eccentric side.”

“Her figure is much like that of a wasp. What is that she wears around her waist?”

“A bracelet.”

“I have never seen a frown drawn to such extreme limits. She has been standing for quite a while. I wonder why she does not sit down?”

“It’s gotta be that dress. Hey, sister, why don’t you take a load off, hunh? Here’s a hint from EvilEyra, just slit that knee binding, thigh constrictor up to your pelvic bone. Your gams will love you for it.”

“Hey, Count Hela Gigalosi, dig it! That tall slice of droolworthy humanity, the Spaniard, looks like he is going to try and put the moves on that stuck up brood of succubi over by the bar.”

“Signorinas, the magnificent beauty of you three most beguiling of womens is irresistible to me. Please forgive my forward behaviors as I intrude upon your cigarette smoking and snide, heated gossips so that I may introduce myself. I am Senor Diego Ignatio Ricardio MontelKahn. May I make so bold as to ask the names of you very beautiful, though aloof and indifferent, girls?”

“Insidia Gruessom” replies the morbidly unhappy blond.

“Ruby Leiquour” answers the beautiful, voluptuous redhead with a lick of her lips.

“Perpetua Nicotina” is delivered with a sneer by the condescending brunette.

“May I invite you to have something to eat?”

{chorus}

“We’re thinking about it.”

Those girls may need to be reminded of the command that these human prisoners are not on the menu. The miserable blond catches my eye and reads my intent.

“Enh, da, Vampyrellah. Enh!”

I now focus my hearing upon the American tinker and the aristocrat in the blue dress.

“I say, are those not some old companions of ours I see, Mr. Temperance, eh, hem?”

“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am, we do know that good looking and fashionable couple! Hey, Wolfgang, I mean, good evening Mr. Metzger and Mademoiselle Gauzot!”

“Good evening, Herr Icky! I am so happy to see you, mein friend! And the British beauty that is so packed with the brains and the other charms, Fraulein Plumtartt!”

“What is this? Oh! It is my bonnes amis Monsieur Ichabod Temperance and the beautiful Mademoiselle Persephone Plumtartt! I am delighted to see you, my charming friends! Oui!”

“Looks like you have allowed your hair to return to its more natural colouring, Mademoiselle Gauzot, Ma’am. I like it!”

“Oui, Monseur Ichabod Temperance, I have allowed it to transition from last season’s blond, to this year’s more natural brown that I am favouring I am thinking. Merci, for noticing, too, oui!”

“We got y’alls tellygrams back in Deazeezipitzo. Sounded like something mysterious was cooking. What’s up, Wolfie?”

“I do not vish to break a confidence...”

“No, no my considerate Wolfgang, we have no secrets from these trusted allies, oui?”

“Eh, hem, I say, on that point, Mademoiselle, recent events have required my bringing Mr. Temperance and our scientific coalition up to speed, as it were, on the existence of Nosferatu in this world. Moreover, he and the others are aware of the duodic nature involved within this species. That is, the ‘Good versus Evil’, so to speak, aspect, as it were. Yes, rather, however, I have been faithful in my vow of privacy. At this juncture I feel it to no longer be necessary.”

“Oh! Oui! Merci Beaucoup! I quite agree, Mademoiselle Persephone! Monsieur Temperance, I hope I do not shock you too much when I tell you this, I am the vampire, oui? The Nosferatu I am, but since I think you are a sweet boy, I think I will not slay you. Oui!”

“Gosh, Mademoiselle!”

“Indeed, Monsieur.”

“How about you, Wolfgang? Are you a hemoglobin gobbling Goblin too?”

“Nein, my friend, I am as wholesome, human und All-American as you, mein Alabama struedal. Mademoiselle was summoned here by a very old and respected vampire. As Mademoiselle’s servant, I vhas allowed to accompany her on this secretive gathering. It seems a preliminary force had moved in a year ago. Vhat changes they have wrought! They have used a small, but fantastically appointed private army of mercenaries from deep in the Carpathian Mountains to conquer, subjugate and conscript the local populace into doing their foul biddings. Though in this case their foul biddings included building this vonderful medieval castle we enjoy. They are in possession of advanced machineries that speed their construction processes. Hmmm. They cut the stone a little thin to my tastes. In the older castles, you see great, thick blocks of stone. Nowadays, though, zee construction materials seem to get skimpier and skimpier all the times.”