In a Latitude of Temperance (The Adventures of Ichabod Temperance Book 5) (20 page)

Bam! “I.” Bam! “Owe.” Bam! “You.” Bam! “A.” Bam! “Bro.” Bam! “Ken.” Bam! “Neck.” Bam! “Dag.” Bam! “Ger.” Bam!

Bam! “Good.” Bam! “Luck.” Bam! “Pay.” Bam! “Ing.” Bam! “That.” Bam! “Debt.” Bam! “Count.” Bam! “O.” Bam! “Nyx.” Bam! “’U.” Bam! “La.” Bam! “Be.” Bam! “Cause.” Bam! “This.” Bam! “Time.” Bam! “I.” Bam! “Will.” Bam! “Make.” Bam! “Your.” Bam! “Death.” Bam! “Perm.” Bam! “A.” Bam! “Nent.” Bam!

“Ach! Be careful Herr NightSkulker, mein Chicago newspaper friend, Carl Coalshack. Do not underestimate the elegantly happy Count ChauckOola! His seductive chocolate flavoured goodness ist misleading!”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Van Heksink, I can handle this old fella. Now come along peacefully there sir, I don’t want to have to... woah! Ow! Okay! Okay! You got me! You got me!Lighten up, old-timer!”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“I do indeed have you, Mr. Coalshack. Fortunately, I keep a few packets of sugar in my vest pocket, just in case such an opportunity as this arises and I am afforded the chance of a midnight snack involving a nice bowl of wholesome blood.”
mnk, mnk, mnk

“Watch out, Ruby Leiquour! That mop-headed toady assistant makes as if he would put his hands on your luscious body!”

“Hah! Thanks, Perpetua. There, now I have you in my red-nailed clutches my innocent little, Polack morsel. I might share a bite of you with my friend when I free her from the filthy hands of the dirty Dutch boy.”

“  
!
   ”

“Like, I’ll save you, Roemin! Let him go, Big Red. That guy is like almost my boyfrien...”

“Gotcha! Hold on there, Blondie! Just settle down, twig girl, there’s a whole lotta EvilEyra holding onto you!”

“Unh! Let me go, you overdeveloped hag! Unh!”

“Ach! Look there, Miss Nicotina. The two biggest men in the fight prepare to engage in zee combatz!”

“Herr Metzger, was it? Prepare yourself my American friend with the German accent. I shall make your death quick and painless as I pierce your heart with this rapier.”

“Nein, Herr Baron Kristopher Leigh, I prefer to spin away from your thrust and at the same time draw and employ my own weapon!”

“A hammer? What are you going to do with that short handled sledge Ham... ow! My hand! I think you broke it knocking the sword from my hand!”

“Ja. Behave Baron Leigh, und I vill not pound you into a mushy paste.”

“I agree to your terms, my hammer wielding friend.”

“Ach! I think Trevor Dagger and Count Onyx’Ula have finally tired of punching each other in the face and have opted to throttle each other in mutual strangulation. That good looking scoundrel, Count Lank Fangella, looks as if he vill puts zee moves on zee Plumtartt pheasant.”

“Hah! That is one charming vampire, I can tell you! That mortal woman does not stand a chance against his charms.”

“Persephone, my darling, let us not fight. No, I think that you and I may get along most pleasantly, my dear. Under the NonArctica moon, we shall make beautiful music together.”

“I say, you are a devilishly good looking man; however, I believe I prefer to fling you over my shoulder thusly and hold an excruciatingly painful armbar on you instead, eh hem? I say, my word, rather, hear, hear.”

“I reckon that leaves you to me, Count Sezami. I sure do hate to whoop up on you, sir. You have been a real fine gentleman, this whole adventure.”

“Ha, ha! Thank you, Ichabod! As humans go, I count you among my favourites. Now I think it is time to crunch some hard numbers on your human skull. It’s one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and away we go! I give you the old ‘one-two’ punch combination. Ha, ha! Vaughn! Two! Three more times! The way my punches multiply, they add up to your defeat! Ha, ha! What ist this! You slip behind and jump on my back? Gahg! What is that horrible smell? Get that disgusting thing off of me!”

“Sorry Count Sezami. I prepared a garlic poultice back on Tierra del Fuego. I’m gonna cling to your back and hold this stinky pudding in a threatening manner over your face in the hopes that you will not make me suffocate you with it.”

“Okay, Ichabod! Don’t do anything hasty my friend! I think I miscalculated your skills as a fighter. I shall clear my slate of numbered offenses I would perpetrate against you.”

“Ach! Did you see all that, Miss Nicotina? We have witnessed all these battles in the matter of a few seconds! All the combatants now are locked down in a manner in which one of each pair is ready to slay one or the other. Only one pair remains to be resolved! How they relax in knowing expectation that this is the foregone outcome. Our battle is to be finalized by combat between the amazing Vampyrellah, and our own bad girl gone good, Mademoiselle DeeDee Gauzot!”

“Mademoiselle DeeDee Gauzot, I am so honored to be the individual who dispatches your misguided interference into the endless gulf of death. Good-bye, my dear.”

“Oh, oui! An honor to be sure I am thinking, too! But it is I who shall have the pleasure of slaying you, my polar princess pin-up. Shall we begin?”

“Ach! Look how a space is cleared in the middle of this ice castle’s grand entrance hall. The two vomens, how zhey move in a panther’s prowl in a circle, each sizing up the other, trying to look for some weakness to exploit while maintaining an air of cold indifference.”

“I perceive you have been working out, Mademoiselle.”

“Oh, oui! Merci for noticing, Vampyrellah. You appear well prepared for our little Tango I think, too!”

“Woo, hoo! Come on, Mademoiselle Gauzot! You can take her!”

“Yowza! Get her, Vampyrellah! Destroy that misguided Canadian vampire. Yay!”

“Ach! As one female warrior assumes a fighting stance, her counterpart takes on a canceling stance and the participants back away to make a fresh approach. This time they do not reset. The femmes’ fatales’ edge ever closer across the open space until only three feet of space exists between their closest foot. As this no man’s point of no return is crossed, the fight is engaged. I think our fellow spectators have decided to drop their demeanors of aloof and dignified manner to raucously cheer, as if at a sporting event of some kind, for their favoured combatant.”

“I can barely follow the action, Van Heksink. As I fire up another cigar’ella, my mind reels at the action that is displayed before my droopy eyes. They fight as if they are the pinwheels of a child...”

“Or zee vindmills of zee Netherlands!”

“Yeah, whatever, in the way they add high torque spins to their punches and in the strange manner of fighting, with their feet. Most of these are blocked or avoided, but no! Vampyrellah has landed a decisive booted heel to the jaw of Mademoiselle Gauzot, kicking her to the ground, and almost knocking her out! Looks like the party is up for you and yours, Dutchie.”

“Ach! Not so fast! Look how the lovely French-Canadian nimbly gets back to her feet and neatly slips around behind Vampyrellah to cinch in a secure waist lock.”

“Oui! I have you now, my beaucoup sexified opponent. With a short jump forward and a thrust of my own shapely hips, I leverage you up high and over my head I think, oui! Wah-Haiyyeee-Yaw!”

“No! That cursed Mademoiselle DeeDee Gauzot has lifted our beautiful ultimo vampiress in the air. Arching her back and standing on her tippy-toes, the French-Canadian she-devil throws our vampire champion backwards, dumping Vampyrellah hard on the back of her head! Our black-haired super vixen is knocked loopy by the devastating maneuver!”

“A well executed ‘Swiss Soufflé’, I am thinking. Oui! And now I shall pull a protective handkerchief over my face to guard me from the horrible fumes as I too apply a garlic poultice with my protective gloved hands to a position before Mademoiselle Vampyrellah’s dismayed face. Oui!”

“This has been an admirable attempt to beat our forces, my friends, but as you can see, everyone is completely entangled in combat and we now find all eleven pairs of fighters in mutually neutralized positions, except for me. I see that five of my companions hold five of our invasion force. The invasion force holds five of my companions. Dagger and Onyx’Ula would appear to cancel each other out. To help remedy the situation and reassert advantage to our side, I shall make a visit to our enemies and quickly kill the annoyance of this rude opposition.”

“I’m not going to let you do that, Count Drauchulau.”

“Hey, Van Heksink, did I really just hear that penguin speak?”

“Ja, Frau Nicotina. Now I am afraid that things could get ugly.”

“Good evening, Herr Penguin. Please forgive my manners. I have never spoken with a talking animal before. Am I to understand that you are a penguin of elevated intelligence due to the visit of the Revelatory Comet seven years ago?”

“That’s right, Count Drauchulau. Ever since the passing of the Revelatory Comet, I have made it my mission to protect this earth to the best of my abilities. I am not going to allow you to manipulate her axis orientation. This is where you and your mad plans are brought to a stop.”

“Your name please, my dapper hero?”

“I have adapted a human name. I also hold the rank of special operations officer with several of the world’s intelligence bureaus. These few people know me as Agent P.T. Piston.”

“Thank you, Herr Piston. You are large for a penguin. You are a ‘King’ penguin, are you not?”

“I am, Count. The distinctive orange crest on my throat and in my cheeks is a dead giveaway.”

“Poor choice of words, mein Herr Piston.”

“You just keep telling yourself that, Count Drauchulau.”

mnk, mnk, mnk
“Surely you do not take this animal as an equal to yourself, my illustrious Count Drauchulau? He is barely three feet tall! I doubt if he weighs more than thirty-five pounds!”
mnk, mnk, mnk

“My dear Count ChauckOolaux, I am afraid that you are taken in by his limited physique and diminutive size. He is, indeed, the most splendid example of
Aptenodytes forsteri
I have ever been privileged to witness.
You, however, do not, see the same flare of deadly intent that I see burning in his merciless black eyes. I have slain man and beast for a thousand years, but I have never faced a foe with the cold eyes of confidence with which this worthy opponent now surveys me. I remove my cape with a great flourish as I do not want its interference in this coming battle.”

“Give that foully fowl ornithological menace the bird, Count Drauchulau!”

“Come on, P. T.! Planet Earth is counting on you!”

“Ach! Count Drauchulau takes a quick and vicious kick at Herr Piston!”

“Enh! That blasted bird has slid on his stomach right under Count Drauchulau’s foot!”

“Ja! Und as he toboggans by he has reached out with his flipper to swing around and throw Count Drauchulau down upon his face with dreadful impact!”

“Eek! The awful penguin immediately follows his leg sweep with a deadly beak assault against Count Drauchulau’s face that he is barely able to roll away from!”

“Yay, P. T.! Get him, buddy!”

“Shut up, Temperance, I don’t need your inane encouragements.”

“Oops, right, sorry, Sir.”

“Ach! Count Drauchulau ist not going to fall for that trick again. He approaches the perilous penguin more carefully now.”

“Oh, that dastardly penguin! Now that treacherous bird flings himself into the shins of our elegant leader to drop him to the ground a second time!”

“Ach! But this time he does not allow the formidable count Drauchulau to regain his feet! Herr Agent Piston has maintained a grip on Count Drauchulau’s legs and rolled up the back of the Count while he ist on the ground. Grabbing one of the Count’s hands as he rolls past with his rear flippers gives P. T. the leverage to hold the ultimate vampire in place on the ground. The audaciousness of this reckless secret agent! He savagely taunts the defeated Drauchulau by repeatedly slapping the back of the Count’s head with his smooth, penguin wings before snapping his beak around one of the Count’s ears.”

“Ooooowwww!”Okay, take it easy! You’re going to bite my ear off!”

It is difficult to understand what that bird is saying as his beak is clamped securely on Count Drauchulau’s left ear.

“Res, rIe rill rip rour rear roff an’ reat rit!”

“Augh! I am an immortal vampire! I shall regenerate a new ear. Oowww!”

“Ret ready roo re-renerate, rount. RI’m ra rungry rird. RIe ret rIe ran reat rou raster ran rou ran re-renerate.”

“Augh! You horrible bird. I am sorry my friends, I cannot stand it! This penguin has bested me. We must desist in our plans.”

“Ha, ha! No, Count Drauchulau, listen. I hear the approach of slow, footsteps accompanied by the tell-tale tap of a countering cane. Who is it that stealthily comes to us through this icy mansion?”

“Augh. Herr Agent Piston! Please release me. I do not wish my master to see me in such a debilitated state. I beg you, spare me the shame of this indignity.”

“I say, your master? We were under the impression that you were the top of the vampire chain of hierarchy, Count Drauchulau.”

“No, Fraulein Plumtartt. That is what we would have you and the world believe, but there is another, older, wiser, wilder and more ancient one than I. Shield your eyes, puny mortals; greatness arrives.”