Into the Nothing (Broken Outlaw Series Book 1) (17 page)

“Nah, I’m good. Promise.” He takes the shot, slamming it quickly back down to the bar top, and he exhales loudly. It’s not long before he catches my scowl. His cockeyed smile and glazed over eyes make it apparent my look isn’t going to be very effective.

T
hat look. That look right there is exactly why Paige hasn’t left my mind for weeks. The little pout, the darting eyebrows, the judging eyes. They’re certainly intended to be serious, but it just makes my damn heart explode.

The corner of her mouth quivers, a sure sign that a smile is dying to break loose.

“Just one more, I swear,” I say in my best little kid voice. The liquor is kicking in, drowning out all apprehension of singing in front of others—for now, at least. The only thing I can even see in this moment is Paige. Everything else around me is just a blur.

“
One
more, mister. That’s it!” She turns and heads toward one of several small tables in front of the stage. Right in the middle, like I asked. An employee taps the mic and calls out a slow 1-2-3. A confident, long-haired country singer type stands backstage looking out among the crowd as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.
Lucky fuck.

Paige glances back at me. Lifting an eyebrow, she shoves the other chair out with her foot, inviting me to join her. Reluctantly, I do.

The first three acts are good.
Really
good. And as I wait for them to call me to the stage for my go at it, I feel as if the blood just might burst from the top of my head. A lump sits heavy in my throat, so much that it makes it hard to swallow. Paige’s hand sits on my knee, squeezing, as it has been for the first three sets. It does little to quell the nerves that make me feel as if I may spontaneously combust at any moment.

I hear my name called. I know it’s my name, but it sounds distorted, like it’s coming from a mile away. I don’t move. My eyes are fixated on the center of the small oak table. Maybe if I stare long enough I’ll disappear.

Paige squeezes my knee and then nudges me with her elbow.

“Xander,” she says, “you’re up.”

I still don’t move. Panic sets in. I can feel a tight constriction in my chest. My breathing feels thick and arduous.

“Xander, baby, you’re up.” I snap out of my daze and look over at Paige. She appears genuinely concerned. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” I wipe a sleeve across my forehead and rise to my feet, grabbing my guitar case from the ground.

“Are you sure? You don’t have to do this. We can leave.” I look into her eyes. Nothing but sincerity and concern. I’m drunk enough to block out everything else now. All I have to do is focus on her.

“I got this. I’m only singing for you, right? And you’ll stay right here? Right where you are until I’m done?”

“I won’t move a muscle, babe.” She winks then brings both hands together to welcome me to the stage. After a brief hesitation, I make my ascent. A few of the other patrons join her in clapping, making the bar not seem completely depressing, but most sit back with blank stares on their faces and an air of arrogance surrounding them. I fight to block them out. I try to see only her.

Once on the stage, the lights are bright and hot as hell, though I can’t say whether it’s the nerves or the lights making me sweat so profusely. Peering through the beams of light out at the crowd, I can’t see anything in particular, just distorted figures.
Has it been an hour I’ve been up here?
It sure fucking feels like it right now.

I strum a chord awkwardly. Feedback from the amps causes the crowd, which seems to have doubled in size since we got here, to release a collective groan. There’s a random ‘you got this’ from the crowd. Then I hear heckling from the back of the room. I squint through the stage lights to see Cody and Benji leaning against the bar, beers in one hand, the other cupped to their mouths. My heart sinks. As if this could get any worse.

I strum again and it sounds just as awkward. Apparently, my nerves have overtaken my fingers. It feels as if they aren’t even a part of me anymore. Benji boos loudly. Just as I’m about to retreat back down the stage, I finally spot Paige just where I left her, looking sweetly up at me.

Feeling in my fingers returns. My heart slows. The crowd around her completely disappears this time. It’s only the two of us in the guesthouse. I’m singing for her—and only her. I repeat the words as if they are my mantra. I strum again, perfectly this time. The beautiful sound fills the bar, bouncing from wall to wall, silencing the crowd.

Another chord. Flawless. I’m regaining control. I complete the intro and transition right into the first verse. As I prepare to sing, it feels like the words may never escape my lips. But they do. And they do for her.

I’ve found my way through.

Caught the waves, the ocean blue

I lose myself sometimes too,

But I am me.

Here I am
.

Benji and Cody heckle louder now. After a quick snap of her head in their direction, Paige looks to me again and smiles. It’s all I need to continue.

I’ve found my way to you.

Somehow, still so lost, still so confused.

But if I could be that man for you.

That’s what I’ll be

Here I am.

It’s in the way she looks at me.

Her eyes, they see things I can’t see.

Her faith brings out the best in me.

So here I am.

It’s in my past, this path, unkept.

And after all the tears and questions left

You were there

So here I am.

I finish the song and wait for an onslaught of boos. I can see it so clearly in my head. They’ll boo me until I’m laughed off the stage. I’ll hang my head, pick up the pieces of my shattered dignity and drag my ass back to the house. But there are no boos beyond the two idiots in the back. In fact, the applause is more than I could have ever imagined. My focus is only on one person in this room though, and her smile, wide as can be, is like a lighthouse through a storm. It’s clarity.

It’s everything.

My time is up, but the crowd wants an encore. I spot the bar owner watching from the side of the stage and he gives me the okay. Benji and Cody’s boos have gotten progressively louder in an effort to drown out the applause and calls for more. My eyes dart in their direction and I glare, then smile because I know exactly what to play.

“This one’s for the two dumbasses in the back. To everyone else, thanks for your kindness. I’ve never done anything like this before.” I wink at my two ‘friends’ by the bar and begin strumming again. They’ve stopped booing and now look as if they may rush the stage at any moment. I know they won’t, though. Damn, how I wish they would.

Have I been here far too long now?

There’s no respect here anymore.

And if I tell you that I’m leaving,

Would it be like it was before?

We can’t all be perfect too.

You’ve kept that crown for a while.

If you knew what I’ve lived through.

Would you still be in denial?

I’ve felt these four walls close around me.

Hands clenched tightly ‘round my neck.

I’ve felt the weight of all your bullshit.

And taken it from off my back.

We can’t all be just like you,

But we can wear your plastic smile.

I could bullshit my way through too,

But I could never touch your style…

I finish the song with a round of applause. The nerves I felt before have now given way to a near euphoria. A box is checked on the bucket list and, more importantly, I have the desire to do it again. And I owe it all to one girl.

I find Paige in the crowd. She stands and claps wildly. I make my way toward her as the next musician takes the stage. In one fluid motion, I drop my guitar case, sweep her into my arms and carelessly kiss her. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know who’s watching. I just know that never have I had a moment so perfect in my life, a natural high that seems to surge throughout my body.

“You wanna get out of here?” I whisper into her ear. She nods, the smile still stamped on her face.

Just as we exit the bar, I’m pushed from behind, nearly falling face first to the pavement. I stumble but catch myself and turn to see Cody with balled up fists and gritted teeth.

“Motherfucker, you think you can come into my town and pull some bullshit MMA games on me, insult me and take
my
girl? Do you know who the fuck you are dealing with?” Cody’s face has turned a shade of red I haven’t seen since my father’s when he’d beat on my mom in a heroin-induced rage. I need to get Paige out of here.

“Listen, you hit me first. I came to your trailer to talk, not fight. That shit’s on you. You came in tonight and started heckling me. I’m not playing these games with you, man.” The multiple shots begin to make peaceful resolve an improbability. The more I look at him, the more I want to fuck his world up.

“Two things you gotta remember. This town…”—I point to the main street behind us—“is not yours. And she”—I gesture at Paige—“is not your girl.”

Cody’s lackey blocks the door with his back keeping anyone from coming out. I hand my guitar case to Paige and motion toward the Chevelle.

“Are you sure?” she asks, hesitating.

“Yeah, babe.” She heads toward the car, but Cody takes a few steps along with her. I do the same, acting as a blockade between them. I follow her all the way to the car until she’s able to get in.

Suddenly, Cody’s bloodshot eyes shift from me to the road behind us. His tense shoulders drop a bit. His balled hands unfurl. I glance back, keeping him in my peripheral, and see what caught his attention. A police cruiser drives by slowly, and the cop’s eyes are locked on us. I see my exit. Though I’d like to wreck this guy—both of them for that matter—I have to be smart.

I climb into the passenger side and Paige immediately backs out of the parking spot. Cody still eyeballs the cruiser as it creeps along, and then he looks back at us, cursing under his breath. I smile and flash a middle finger as they fade in the rearview.