Just Stay (17 page)

For several seconds afterwards, they just stand there, the arm Seb uses to lean against the wall shaking slightly, and Evan's fingers loosen their grip. Seb does close his eyes then, moving his head down to lean his forehead against Evan's shoulder. He can hear Evan breathing heavily by his ear, holding onto him as though he might fall over, otherwise.

"Shit," he says, sounding completely exhausted. "Where did that come from?"

Seb shakes his head weakly, trying to even out his breathing.

"I don't know," he says, sounding just as wrecked as Evan. Then Evan chuckles.

"Well, whatever it was," he says. "I like it."

Seb smiles tiredly against Evan's skin.

"I'm glad," he says, and feels a pleased shudder as Evan pulls his fingers through his hair. Seb looks up then, and Evan smiles at him. Seb's wet hair is plastered to his forehead, and Evan pushes it back gently, Seb leaning into his touch.

"You okay there, big guy?" Evan says, almost teasingly, and Seb resists the urge to shake his head at his apparent compulsion to always joke away any tension or awkwardness, but he still can't help but smile.

"Yeah," he says, removing his hand from the wall behind Evan and taking a step back, until he ends up right underneath the showerhead. Evan just looks at him, and Seb holds out his hand and gently grabs Evan's wrist. He pulls him closer, Evan lets him, and Seb put his arms around him, as they stand underneath the running, hot water.

"I'm definitely okay," he says, and Evan smiles, sighing happily as Seb leans in and kisses him.

♦

Evan decides that he doesn't want to see his father. At least, not yet, not now. He doesn't do a very good job of explaining why to Seb, but as far as Seb understands, Evan hasn't seen his dad in months, and he's mad enough as it is about Jake accepting his help. Evan also knows, though, that Jake has a point. It doesn't change anything, doesn't change or excuse the way their father has been their whole lives, but maybe an attempt at making amends is worth some consideration. Seb tries not to have an opinion of his own; he has no right to, and even if he did, he has a feeling that he would have a hard time being objective.

Evan
does
want to see the new apartment, though, where Jake and Sophie have just moved in, so he and Seb are going over to visit later that night. Jake has assured him that their dad will be gone by then, in case Evan doesn't want to see him, and it's almost dark by the time they leave.

Seb is sitting in the passenger seat of the vintage car that Evan worships and adores to the point where it's almost unhealthy, and he glances over at Evan, as he drives. There is music playing at a low volume, and Seb glances at the collection of cassette tapes which he knows lies hidden in the glove compartment.

"You ever thought of updating this thing?" he asks casually, and Evan glances at him.

"What do you mean?" he says, and there is a hint of a warning in his voice.
Don't you dare insult my car
, it says.

"I don't know," Seb says, opening the glove compartment and picking up a random tape. "An iPod, maybe? Or even a CD-player?"

Then Evan actually narrows his eyes a bit, eyes shifting between Seb and the road. It really isn't far at all to Jake and Sophie's new place, but still.

"Don't listen to him, baby," Evan says, actually stroking the dashboard of his car. "You're perfect."

Seb scoffs, but can't help but smile as he shakes his head.

"Dude," he says. "It's getting a bit creepy."

"He's just jealous," Evan says soothingly to the car, and Seb makes a face.

"Yeah," he says. "Not getting any less creepy."

"Don't give me that," Evan says lightly. "I've seen the way you look at that Benjamin guy."

Seb frowns.

"I think you mean Benedict," he says. "And he's Sherlock, which trumps everything."

Evan shakes his head in mock lament.

"I don't know," he says, sounding concerned. "Sherlock is fictional, which makes it creepy."

Seb is unable to come up with a witty response. Instead, he just glares at Evan, who glances at him and gives him a smile that's borderline mischievous.

"You're an asshole," Seb mutters, and Evan laughs.

"I know," he says. "You love it."

"God help me, I do."

They soon reach the apartment building where Jake and Sophie have made their new home, and they get out of the car, Evan locking it behind them.

"This it?" Seb says, and Evan nods as he slides up next to him. Seb looks up at the building, which is only five stories high.

"Yup," he says, and then pulls Seb briefly to his side and kisses his temple, in that affectionate way Seb has come to love. "Let's go."

It's customary to bring along some kind of housewarming gift, but Evan hasn't really gone out of his way to get one. Seb suggested a bottle of wine, because that's what people seem to bring when visiting someone's new home, but he knew as he said it that that isn't really Evan's style. And Evan knows that too, and ended up bringing a six pack of beer.

They make their way up to the fourth floor, where they find the right apartment and ring the doorbell. Seb is standing rather close to Evan, out of habit, and absently touches his hand. Evan does the same; neither of them really notices when they do that, it's just something they do, for comfort.

After only a few seconds, the door opens, and they're greeted by Jake. He smiles when he sees them, but Seb immediately notices something off about his expression. He looks oddly tense, kind of surprised even, and Seb glances at Evan. He noticed it, too.

"Hey, Jake," he says, his voice not betraying anything. "Wanna invite us in?"

Jake opens his mouth to reply, suddenly looking a bit uncomfortable, and Seb feels himself tense up. None of them has time to react, though, before a voice is heard from inside.

"Jake?" it says. "Who is it?"

Seb has never seen Evan so tense before. His jaw clenches, his eyes actually widen a bit, and his back straightens noticeably. Seb doesn't miss how he even whips his hand away from his, as though wanting to put more distance between the two of them.

Jake's expression changes, as well; he looks tense and uncomfortable, and the look in his eyes when he glances at Evan is an apologetic one. And then, someone shows up behind Jake, making him step away slightly from the door.

Seb can see how Evan swallows hard; he's not sure if anyone else would have noticed. He wants to take his hand and comfort him, but he has an overwhelming feeling that it would be a bad idea, right now.

"Evan," the stranger says, his expression changing as he spots him. And even without Evan saying anything, Seb knows who this is.

"Hey, dad," Evan says, sounding stiff. His father just looks at him for a few moments, before turning to Seb, something Seb is completely unprepared for. He's so used to going unseen, that he hadn't really thought about Evan's dad actually seeing him.

"Who's this?" Evan's father asks, and Evan glances at Seb.

"This is Seb," he says, sounding oddly young, like he's de-aging in the presence of his father. "He's... he's a friend."

Seb does not expect to feel such a sharp pain in his stomach at Evan's use of the word
friend
, but he contains it, showing nothing on the surface. He has a very good poker face, after all. And he knows that the circumstances here are special. He'll just have to deal with it.

"Seb," Evan says, glancing at him, then at his dad. "This is my father, Peter Matthews."

Seb keeps his eyes on Evan's father―Peter. He looks as though he's actually younger than he looks, prematurely aged by sorrow and bad habits. He's got dark hair and rough stubble to match, and most of all, he looks
tired.
Seb has no trouble imagining him having a drinking problem, and he can see the harder planes in his expression that reinforce what Evan has told him about him. But he can also see the crinkles around his eyes, just like the ones Evan has, and that at least once upon a time, he must have smiled a lot. Just like Evan.

Peter holds out his hand, and Seb shakes it, eyes fixed on Peter's. They resemble Evan's, too, but they are much sadder, and harder.

Peter lets go of his hand and looks at him for a few seconds. Then he gives a half-smile that may have looked awkward, or just generally expressionless.

"A bit scrawny, aren't you?" he says, and Seb resists the overwhelming urge to raise his eyebrows. He has been pretty much neutral concerning this man so far, but at that comment, he suddenly decides that he doesn't like him. He doesn't like him, and he has about a hundred smart-ass comments to throw back at him, not because his feelings are hurt, but because he just can't bear people who are so impolite. Especially not people who don't even know him.

But Seb says nothing; it isn't worth it. Instead, he manages a look that's one he has perfected over the years―the look of silent judgment. He knows it makes his face hard and his normally kind, blue eyes surprisingly condescending, or bored, if nothing else, and for several seconds, no one says anything. Then, finally, Peter clears his throat a bit, and looks at Jake. Seb finds the man's sudden discomfort immensely satisfying.

"Well, I'm gonna go," Peter says. Seb notices that he is indeed fully dressed, as though he really was just about to leave. "Thanks for having me."

"Thanks for the help, dad," Jake says, and reciprocates the one-armed hug his father gives him. Peter throws a glance back into the apartment and smiles warmly, something that looks a bit odd on his haggard face. Seb wonders how often he has reason to smile like that.

"Bye, Sophie," he says, and Seb hears her reply from inside.

Then, finally, Peter turns to Evan, who's still just standing there, stiff as a board.

"Good to see you, son," Peter says. He looks for a moment as though he wants to hug Evan, but decides against it. Instead, he just claps his hand on his shoulder and gives him a tight smile. Evan doesn't say anything, and with that, Peter makes his way past him and into the hallway. A few seconds later, they hear the sound of the elevator doors closing, and Evan visibly relaxes. He looks at Jake.

"Evan, I'm so sorry," his brother says, clearly meaning it. "He stayed longer than we thought, it just sort of happened. I forgot to call you, I'm sorry."

Evan doesn't say anything, just gives Jake a look that says it's alright, and Jake sets his face in a concerned frown, instead of a worried one. Evan looks at Seb then, his expression oddly ashamed.

"Sorry," he says, his voice low, and Seb hesitates for a split second, before taking his hand.

"It's okay," he says, kissing his cheek. The words don't feel entirely true, though.

He realizes that Evan can't just tell his father, just like that, but Seb feels weirdly betrayed, all the same. The selfish, petty part of him does. And he's reminded of the other day, when he went to find Evan outside his lecture hall. He tried to kiss him, and Evan pulled away, only accepting the kiss once everyone else was out of sight. Seb doesn't like it. But right now, it doesn't matter, and he doesn't want to make Evan feel worse.

"Brought you a housewarming gift," Seb says instead, in a lighter tone, as they enter the apartment and Jake closes the door behind them. He turns to Jake, who raises his eyebrows.

"Really?" Jake says, and Evan holds out the six pack of beer.

"Here you go, little brother," he says, his trademark cockiness coming back into his voice. Jake smiles and shakes his head as he accepts the beer, taking it from Evan's hand.

"Isn't wine usually the way to go?" he says, and Seb cocks his head at Evan.

"That's what I said," he points out. "But it's too fancy, apparently."

Sophie shows up then, and she smiles as she sees them.

"Welcome," she says, giving both Evan and Seb a kiss on the cheek. Then she looks at the beer in Jake's hand, before turning to Evan.

"Beer?" she says, still wearing her dimpled smile. "Really?"

"Wine's too fancy," Jake explains, and Seb nods.

"What?" Evan says defensively. "He didn't bring anything!"

He gestures at Seb, who just raises his eyebrows.

"I'm not obligated to," he says, before turning to Jake and Sophie. "Or, you know, I could just give you a man-sized cactus or something, sometime."

Jake laughs then, Sophie joining in.

"I think we're good," he says. "Beer's fine."

He makes his way into the kitchen with Sophie, and Seb turns to Evan, who's lingering a bit by the door.

"You okay?" he says, when Jake and Sophie are out of earshot, and Evan hesitates for a moment, before nodding.

"Yeah," he says. He looks down at their entwined hands. "I'm sorry my dad's such an asshole."

Seb quirks a smile and lifts up their hands to kiss Evan's, and Evan looks at him, green eyes soft.

"Nothing I can't handle," Seb says, and Evan smiles softly. Seb returns the smile, and Evan kisses him gently on the lips.

"You're awesome," he whispers, and Seb squeezes his hand.

"So are you."

Chapter 13

Self-defense

Evan and Seb both have early lectures the next day, and seeing as how they slept at Evan's place, they go together, making their way toward the school buildings. There's barely anyone around this early in the morning, not at Evan's dorm, but Seb is still uncomfortably aware of how Evan seems to actually look around them, as though making sure the coast is clear, before leaving.

He tries not to think about it, though, and tries not to think about how Evan has done that before. When Seb showed up at the end of his lecture the other day, Evan actually pulled away from a kiss, looking uncomfortable. And last night, when unexpectedly meeting his dad, he deliberately kept his distance from Seb, referring to him as a
friend
. Seb tries not to think about it, tries not to let it get to him.

That is, until they reach their destination.

They're not much for hand-holding, at least not while walking. Seb assumes it's because they have spent about ninety percent of their time together alone, in Evan's room, or Seb's, or with Jake and Sophie, and therefore simply haven't gotten into the habit of it. And on the walk here, he disregarded Evan's reluctance to hold his hand as something unconscious, something he did without thinking about it, because it's not a habit.