Just Stay (18 page)

It's when they stop in front of the building where Seb is having his lecture that Seb realizes he was wrong.

"I'll see you later, okay?" he says, and Evan nods, with a small smile. Then Seb moves to kiss him. And Evan pulls away. Just like last time, he jerks away just the tiniest bit, enough for Seb to stop in mid-motion, and he glances around them, looking uncomfortable. Seb just stands there, dumbstruck. He isn't even sure which emotion is more dominant right now; hurt or anger or confusion.

"Yeah," Evan says after a second or so, looking back at Seb. He smiles again, oddly stiff, and then looks at his watch. "I gotta go. But yeah, I'll see you later."

And then, just like that, he turns around and leaves. And Seb watches him go, feeling oddly numb.

It isn't until a group of students rushes past him, no doubt hurrying to the same lecture he's going to, that Seb actually starts moving again. He shuffles inside, finds his lecture hall, and takes his seat. And he feels the strangest, sinking feeling inside, something that feels a lot like shame and hurt. It makes him want to hide.

"Hey." Evan's voice snaps Seb out of his thoughts.

He's standing by a fountain, it's after lunch, and he and Evan decided to meet here. He slowly looks up as Evan slides up next to him, and Evan's smile is so warm and affectionate and genuine that for a moment, Seb forgets all about this morning. But he doesn't kiss him, doesn't even try. He's not quite ready for the rejection he feels certain would follow. And any hope he had of Evan maybe doing it instead is completely snuffed out when Evan just jerks his head.

"Shall we?" he says, and Seb just looks at him.

"You're doing it again," he says, his voice low, and Evan frowns.

"What?" he asks, but Seb just shakes his head.

"Never mind."

They start walking, and Seb can tell that Evan is uncomfortable, all the way to Seb's dorm. They don't really talk, and Seb can't help but wonder if Evan is uncomfortable because Seb is clearly in a weird mood, or because they are around people. Because apparently, Seb has realized, Evan doesn't want to show their relationship to anyone. At least, judging from the way he looks around to see if the coast is clear, before even attempting to kiss Seb or even make the slightest affectionate move.

Seb thinks back to the other day, when Evan first acted like that. It was the first time they were together in public, since becoming a couple, and Seb remembers being so shocked at Evan pulling back like that. But then he checked to see that no one was around, and then he kissed Seb. Then he took Seb's hand, and Seb almost forgot about it. Almost. Even as they were standing outside that bar, Evan was affectionate, kissing him and letting himself be kissed. So Seb hasn't really thought about it. But now, he remembers why. There was pretty much no one else around then, and therefore no one there to see.

It's incredible how painful it is for Seb to think about, to even think about Evan not wanting to touch him, even. Even now, as they walk, any casual bystander would be convinced that they're only friends, walking together. And it hurts Seb so much. More than he wants to admit.

It isn't until they reach Seb's dorm room that Evan actually says something.

"What's wrong?" he asks, as Seb makes his way into the room and dumps his bag on the floor. Seb turns to him.

"What?" he asks, knowing that he's convincing no one. Evan frowns slightly.

"You're acting weird," he says, and Seb grits his teeth.

"Yeah, well," he says lamely. "You tell me."

Evan's frown deepens then, and he moves closer.

"I don't know what you're saying," he says, sounding honestly bewildered. "Did something happen? Did I do something?"

Seb looks right at him, wondering if he looks as hurt and numb as he feels.

"More like the other way around," he says, and he swears that the smallest hint of comprehension shows in those green eyes. "I wasn't aware that being with me was so horrible. You could have said something."

He can't help being sarcastic, as usual, and he kind of hates himself for it. But his words make Evan's expression change.

"Seb, I know, alright?" he says. "It's not you. I just... I'm not―"

"Not what?"

Seb is fully aware, even in this state, that he's probably being unfair. But he can't help it. This has been creeping up on him for some time, this fear, this nagging idea that Evan is simply too good to be true. It's as though he has been waiting for him to realize how bad an idea this is, and that he'll break Seb's heart, when he does. And he doesn't want that.

"It's just a bit new, alright?" Evan tries. "And around people, I freak out a bit."

"I think we both know," Seb says, rather dryly, "that if I'd been a girl, it wouldn't be a problem."

Evan stops talking then. Instead, he just swallows hard, suddenly looking worried, a bit anxious, even. But Seb doesn't relent.

"I know," Evan says. "I know, but it's not you, I promise."

"Really?" Seb says, frowning, sounding doubtful and annoyed. "Are you sure? 'Cause from where I'm standing, it really does look like I'm the fucking problem."

"Seb, it's not you―"

"Well, what does it matter, anyway?" Seb throws his hands up in helpless exasperation. He sounds angrier than he means to. "It's not like you're gonna stay."

Evan frowns at him, confused surprise on his face, replacing the anxious expression he just had.

"What?" he says, disbelieving. But Seb practically ignores him, and just keeps going. His voice has almost risen to yelling, now.

"I have no illusions about what this is," he says, gesturing vaguely between the two of them. "I know that it's fine right now, but that eventually, you're gonna leave. Eventually, you're just gonna realize that this isn't what you want, that it was a bad idea, and you're gonna leave."

Seb is vaguely aware of how he just used the same words Evan used that time, when Seb confronted him about that kiss.
It was a bad idea.

Evan just stares at him, with an expression as though Seb just punched him in the face.

"What the fuck are you saying?" he says, sounding angry and quietly shocked, at the same time.

"Don't give me that!" Seb is properly angry now. He isn't sure why, but he can't stop himself. "You're the one settling, in this relationship. You're the one who's by some miracle chosen to be with me, but I know that's not gonna last. And if you can't even let other people see it, what we have, then how much could it possibly mean to you, anyway?"

"Seb―"

"You ruined everything, you know that?" Seb can't stop. He's breathing a bit heavier, now. He can't stop spewing this, can't stop hurtling out every ounce of doubt he has ever had about this relationship. He hates himself for it, but he can't stop. "I was fine! Alone, yes, but I was fine. And then you came along, and fucked it all up."

Evan just looks at him. It's unusual to see a guy like him with an expression like that. The confused, surprised hurt in those eyes is enough to break Seb's heart several times over, especially knowing that he's the one who's causing it. But he can't care right now, he doesn't have the energy to. Instead, all he manages to care about is saving himself, protecting himself. And that means pushing Evan away. Evan, who is hurting him.

"That's really how you feel?" Evan's anger has quickly subsided, and instead, his voice sounds oddly subdued and sad. Weak. It's painful to hear.

No
, Seb thinks frantically.
I love you. I need you. Please, don't go. Please.

"Yes. I want you to go."

Seb is shocked at how resolute his own voice sounds, when he's practically screaming in panic on the inside. He doesn't want Evan to go, doesn't want to push him away. But he is so scared. He's so terrified, in a way he has never been before, and he doesn't know what to do. Evan is going to leave anyway. Seb might as well pull away, before he does.

Evan just looks at him for several seconds. It's hard to determine the expression on his face. But then again, he tends to switch over to anger when he doesn't know what to do or how to act, and he's trying to do that right now. But the pain is still there, still horribly present in those eyes, and it makes Seb want to pull him closer and kiss him and make sure he never has to be in pain again.

But Seb is too scared. And he's ashamed of just how scared he is.

Evan takes a deep breath. It shakes slightly, and he swallows hard, before looking down at the floor.

"Right," he says, his voice thick. Then he looks up at Seb again, his eyes pleading, as though waiting for Seb to say something, anything. But Seb says nothing.

Seb doesn't move a muscle as Evan makes his way past him. He doesn't even look when he hears the door open behind him, followed by a few moments of silence, before it closes again. And somehow, he can
feel
the absence of Evan, can feel how he simply isn't there anymore. It feels cold. Hollow.

Seb looks down at his hands. They're starting to shake ever so slightly, and he clenches them into fists. He's surprised when a wet drop lands on his skin, and he sighs.
Damn it
. He's crying. Barely, and quietly, but it's there.

Seb squeezes his eyes shut stubbornly, takes a deep breath. This is for the best. He needs to protect himself. It would only have been a matter of time before this happened, anyway. At least, that's what he keeps telling himself.

He feels a small, annoying sob hitch in his chest, and he presses his lips together.

Fuck
.

♦

It doesn't take long before Seb gets a visitor, just the next day. He suspects who it will be, and that's the only reason he forces himself to get up and open his dorm room door, when someone knocks.

"Hi, Seb." Sophie looks so pretty, her face and big eyes so soft and kind, as she waits outside his door when he opens it. She looks so pretty, and so very sad.

"Hey," Seb says. His voice sounds hoarser than usual. He's ashamed to admit that he has actually been crying; he can't remember crying like this before meeting Evan, not really. He thinks about how he felt after Evan kissed him for the first time, about what happened afterwards, and he thought that was the worst thing ever, at the time. He was wrong. This feeling is somehow much worse.

"Can I come in?" Sophie asks, and Seb just steps aside as she makes her way past him. She looks around his room, while Seb closes the door behind her.

"Jake sent you?" Seb says dryly, making his way over to his unmade bed. "Kind of surprised he didn't come, himself, this time."

Seb falls down onto his bed and resumes his activity of staring blankly into space, and he hears Sophie sigh.

"Don't be an ass," she says. It's odd how harsh the words sound, coming from that sweet face with that sweet voice, clashing horribly. It has more impact that way, Seb notices.

Sophie walks over to his bed and stops. Seb looks up at her, and catches that pointed look, making him scoot over just enough for her to sit down on the bed's edge. Seb stays on his back, lying down, staring at the ceiling.

"You okay?" Sophie asks, and Seb almost scoffs. But he doesn't. He's too tired.

"You know," Sophie says, when he doesn't answer. "This is becoming a pattern."

"What is?" Seb says flatly.

"This," Sophie says. "One of you storming out, then both of you ending up in a heap somewhere, feeling sorry for yourselves."

Seb actually glares at her then, but she doesn't flinch.

"It's getting stupid," she says. Seb looks back at the ceiling.

"Can I get Jake instead?" he says. "He sugarcoated it, at least."

"Sorry, no," Sophie says, not taking the least bit offense. "He's busy talking to his brother."

Seb practically feels his heart clench, and he swallows hard. Sophie notices, of course.

"What happened, exactly?" she asks. "I mean, you guys seemed fine the other night. What changed?"

Seb sighs and closes his eyes. He doesn't want to talk about it. He has had time to cool off and think about the whole thing, over and over, and it's painful. And he feels ashamed. He's ashamed of how he acted, ashamed of how he let his own, overwhelming insecurities ruin the best thing that has ever happened to him.

He's not planning on saying anything. He isn't planning on explaining, or defending himself, or anything at all. But still, for some reason, he opens his mouth. And the words he chokes out sum up everything.

"I fucked up."

Seb is almost embarrassed at the thickness of his voice, and he swallows hard, opening his eyes. It sounds stupid, but the words couldn't be more true. He fucked up. So badly.

Sophie sighs sympathetically and gently takes his wrist, conveying so much concern in just one touch.

"Tell me," she says, and Seb exhales heavily. He isn't sure he'll be able to talk without crying.

Fuck
. He
hates
this so much, hates feeling tears burn in his eyes. He never cries. It's all Evan's fault.

"I just fucked up," Seb says, slowly sitting up and swinging his legs over the bed's edge. He shakes his head and stares into space. His vision is slightly blurred from threatening tears. "Everything."

"It's okay, Seb," Sophie says softly, stroking his hair, much like a mother or a big sister would. "It's okay."

"No, you don't understand." Seb shakes his head, swallowing hard, trying to get rid of that lump in his throat. "I have no excuse. I just pushed, and... Now he's gone."

He looks down at his knees.

"It's not okay. Trust me."

Sophie seems to deliberate for a moment.

"Why?" she asks, and Seb looks up at her. "What happened?"

Seb hesitates.

"He was gonna leave, anyway," he says weakly. He hears how ridiculous the defense sounds, how irrational. But he doesn't care. "Eventually. They always do. Especially someone like him."

Sophie frowns a bit, confused.

"What do you mean?"

"You know," Seb tries. "Someone like him... Someone like him doesn't waste time with someone like me. I'm... mediocre. And he's..."